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A little something to let everyone know I’m still alive and doing well. This is of Ash and I at her birthday during her visit over the holidays. Once again, she picked Hooters, so my sister, nephew and I did our best to celebrate with Ash. Poor girl was still a bit sick and out of it from her cold meds but she managed.

I am happy. With a job I truly love and look forward to and enjoy the people I work with, a family feeling, how could I not? I’d say the pay is the only thing lagging but I know in time that will catch up to my needs. I would rather be struggling financially and love my job than financially set and hating my 8-5 daily life. Additionally, I get to use my skills and interests that I am passionate about and highly appreciated.

Sure, I miss Ash. Of course I do! As we discussed in our conversation yesterday, it’ll be months before I see her again (I just can’t afford a spring break ticket of $600 for her to come over a week when I’d have to work and only see her in the evenings). Yet she is so positive about our time apart, so it makes it much easier for me to remain positive. She plans what she wants to do, talks about things in details, but she also tells me about her time at school, what she’s learning, even singing the songs from her music class.

It is difficult knowing she’s growing and changing and I’m unable to see the majority of it, but I also know there will come a time when she will return to me. Ash reminded me that at least when she’s with me we can have more fun, less “non fun, boring tough things like school to worry about”. So that’s what we do! When things are right, I will fight for her return but until then, life must go on.

And it does! I have a new friend I’ve been spending most of my free time with, coffee at Starbucks, going dancing, watching movies. Sure beats staying online and in my room all the time, but I still enjoy my quiet time. Just not as often. In the past I’ve hesitated to write about what’s going on because they’re new to me, or I’m unsure how to start or what direction to go. Looks like I’m going to have to push myself and smack my own ass into action and writing.

I will give some periodic updates with a few pictures here and there, but if you’d like to read more on me, my struggles and well, anything else, please email your request and I will share my new location (but do understand I am still very selective as to who knows). Those who have followed me over the years, I know you, so don’t hesitate. It’s been nearly eight years, and as the ones who said it, they were right…I can’t stop writing.

]]> It’s that time of year again, and for my second time, I will be participating in the NAMIWalks for the Mind of America. This is NAMI’s signature walkathon event and is being held in Hemet, CA at Diamond Valley Lake Marina on October 27th, 2006. I will be walking with the same friend as last time and one more I convinced to come along, so our team (Panacea) will be a whopping three members. No matter, I know we’ll have a good time just like last year and I have a feeling there will be a much larger group of walkers this year.

Please support me in this walk, if not financially, then with encouragement and humor. . If you’re interested, visit the (very basic) Panacea Team Site where you can see who else is walking with me. There is also a link so you can donate online. Donating online is fast and secure, and I’ll get immediate notification via e-mail of your donation. Although the page will update how many donations have been received, I will also post updates on here periodically if I receive any.

I’ve never been one to ask for donations, sponsors and such, but I think I finally have a cause which interests me and actually affects me directly. The most important thing for someone with mental illness is medical care as I have found out far too many times over the years. I have my medication, but even still I pay for it out of pocket due to lack of resources. For those that don’t have access to help, I can’t even imagine how difficult it must be. A judge may see me as weak, or lesser than another because of this illness, but it has created a stronger and more determined soul out of me. So I will walk, to prove to myself I can, to show Ashleigh what her mother can do, and to do my part in bringing help to those who need it.

]]> I’m still around…adjusting, and dealing with a broken heart everyday. Thank goodness for work and for some new friends that have kept me going the last few weeks.

I am working on setting up a new domain to continue writing but it will be done anonymously. Those who requested or received my password earlier will get an email once it’s set up. For others who didn’t, write me and let me know who you are and I’ll consider. Please understand I do this because I no longer feel safe writing here, as I feel even my most deepest feelings could possibly be used against me in the future.

Losing a job because of a blog…that’s nothing. Losing your child? That’s just fucked up.  I will walk in the NAMI Walk this October, and I will continue to show how being bipolar is not a curse, it is not something which makes me “unfit”. My bipolar disorder and this site has brought me closer to so many people I never would’ve imagined meeting in person. Panacea HAS been my cure-all and has helped me greatly over its seven and a half years in existence.

]]> The okay part…Ash is with me until the 23rd. The crappy news…I was not awarded primary custody of Ashleigh, her dad was. Yeah. Needless to say I’m not in the greatest mood in my head, but I’m enjoying my time with Ash.

This blog was used against me as well as my bipolar disorder, both which I think have contributed and helped me in becoming a better mother for Ashleigh. Unfortunately, I have no heart left in my writing so will most likely take Panacea offline, as well as all pictures of Ash. I will not delete the domain, but any writing I do will be password protected so as to prevent any further use against me.

I am so very empty right now, I feel like everything I say here is in monotone and that’s because I have very little left in me. Thank you to everyone who supported me during this awful time and hopefully one day I’ll be as vibrant as I once was.

]]> I have so much on my mind lately but I don’t feel the need to share it with everyone at this time. For those of you who are regulars and wish to read, just comment or email me and I’ll forward the password to future locked posts.

This is my place, has been for seven years and then some, so what made me think I could let it go, even temporarily, I don’t know.

No matter, I’ll be exploding in words relatively soon…

]]> As mentioned in my last post, Ashleigh’s dad is fighting for complete custody of her in Texas. Unfortunately, this means she might not return in July like I’d planned, but I am hopeful everything works out for Ashleigh’s best interest and that she will return soon enough. Until then, I will most likely remain silent on here until the custody is settled. Yeah, I know, it’s not as if I was a regular writer as of late, so you won’t be missing much. Just know, I am around, can read comments, can be reached on MySpace, or Yahoo IM.

Meanwhile, I will be enjoying the most amazing job ever, working with two people that rock, and spending an exorbitant amount of time at the gym to soothe my mind.

Thank you all who have sent me supportive emails…it is very much appreciated.

]]> I love my job…it is what I’ve wanted for so long and I look forward to going to work each day. And yet today is hell, as I try to keep my focus. There’s nothing quite like waking up at 7am to someone knocking on your door and then serving papers. Ashleigh’s dad is going for full custody in Texas; apparently he thinks I can’t provide enough for her.

I don’t have it in me right now to say exactly what’s on my mind…I am so stunned and just trying to make it through the work day. Perhaps tonight I’ll have the energy but I have a feeling I’ll only collapse.

Thanks go out to the makers of Puffs with Aloe, my savior for the day.