That confidence I had yesterday?  Yeah, not so much today.

I’m pretty much in a state of panic today, unable to focus on diddlysquat.   Still kicking myself for not getting the phone number of any GIS classmates because holy crapola, nothing makes sense!!

Give me a the computer program (ArcGIS Suite), I can learn, easily, but this textbook, the “theory” part of the class…just not clicking.  I am not used to this!  All other courses I’ve had difficulty with have been because of time, not understanding or knowing how to do something.  This is the first time I’ve read questions over and over again and still, little comprehension.  And they’re due tomorrow and I fucked up by waiting last minute, so no help from the professor.

I’ve calculated how much it’ll affect my grade if I don’t do these, and I’ll pass, even with a B, but that’s a total cop out and I’m going to at least attempt.  Even if I fry my brain in the process.

I can feel it, the slight hummm as my brain races along and somehow, I am still in control. For now. Yet I know my trigger, I know a heavy workload with tons of deadlines can send me sliding into hypomania and skyrocketing to mania with little grace period or warning. I can DO this! That’s what I keep telling myself…

…as I make mental lists (rarely around paper or laptop to when they’re created) of papers to write, doctors to call, friends to remind I’m still alive, chapters to read, laundry to put away, resumes to send.

I have been a bit irritable lately, my road rage somewhat exaggerated, but the key thing of slowing my progression has been making myself decompress. If I didn’t close the laptop up for a few hours here and there, read a non-textbook, or do something creative, my brain would certainly explode, overheat.

So, wish me luck as I venture through the next and last month of this torturous semester, sans medication and complete with two full moons. This is when personal warning signs would be appropriate for public.

Looks like the culprit to my exhaustion is my extreme amount of time studying, doing homework and being creative. Apparently, major system overload.

So, I’m taking a much needed break from today’s studying and sharing two of my favorite sites that keep me sane or help with survival. I’d include more but I’ll be lucky if I make it through these without my brain skipping elsewhere.

• Quizlet - I hate flashcards. Mostly, because I have little restraint and tend to “cheat” and second-guess, defeating the whole studying technique. Quizlet rocks on this subject matter! Create sets of words/terminology, enter the definitions, learn, then test yourself. The testing is the key thing for me! This would’ve come in handy with all my anthropology courses but oh well, now I know (and knowing is half the battle…).
• Kaboodle - I discovered this wishlist site last year, but Bree reminded me of it again last month. Oooh, so helpful, especially since Amazon definitely doesn’t have everything I covet. Cue Kaboodle, a site where you can create as many wish lists as you want (or one, I suppose), with products from any site you wish. Add comments, priorities, tags and even comment on other members’ lists. Sure, I’ll never buy or get everything on these lists, but as many people know, organizing things calms me down, it makes me happy. Really. Plus, I’m a bookmark freak, especially when I obsess over something until I’m on to the next topic (boxing…hiking…and so on). Oh, another aspect, is the shopping or traveling feature, where you can post polls for other peoples’ input, or collect tons of info on possibilities, such as hotels, activities and such. Of course, you can also make some lists private, for your eyes only, like my sex goodies one. (view my oodles of lists)

Something is going on in this body of mine and I can’t figure just what…yet. I am so very tired! And here I sit, so exhausted, but my mind is running, still going. Sadly, even when I do fall asleep, my body wakes up long before the necessary amount of sleep has passed.

I completely missed my Saturday class and it didn’t occur to me until late last night. There were no “oh, crap, I missed class” thoughts at all throughout yesterday…very odd. But then, my attention span is dwindling. How I managed to squeeze out a paper in a few hours I’ll never know. The brick wall has been so prevalent in my mind this last week; when I attempt to concentrate there’s a silence, “static”, nothing. All those times I wished for the rapid thoughts and endless thoughts to cease I had no idea what I was requesting.

Even with the wall of nothingness I managed to accomplish multiple things this last week, some which seemed beyond possible. Amazing what I can do when I focus on how I feel, and what I want for myself, not others.

Now, someone, please, take this fucking rain and gray weather from Southern California. This is the coldest it’s been in the five years I’ve lived here. I don’t mind the cold so much but the clouds have got to go…I need my sun!

As I was about to close up here I realized my dreams are back lately. Hmm, perhaps they are the reason I am not receiving much rest in my sleep. They have been very blunt…

A person pulls a spider’s leg out
To watch it keep on moving and twitching.
-Crash Test Dummies, How Does a Duck Know?

I’m shaking my head at myself right now, wondering when I’ll ever learn to listen to the nagging voice screaming in my head “don’t say it!” One day, perhaps. But obviously, it wasn’t tonight.

I try so hard to express how I feel, what I’m thinking of but it seems all that comes out is insensitive or I completely miss the general idea. Or, as a couple times in the past, I’ve said exactly what’s on my mind and then wasn’t taken seriously.

I did it again, lied to myself, didn’t even realize it until tonight, and when I did, it was as if poisonous afterthought. Foolish, to even believe actions don’t mean anything, that I have the ability to separate feelings from touch.

It seems odd, only discovering now that the little things I’ve looked forward to, that make me smile and laugh are just that, little things; I don’t really know him. And I feel ashamed, for thinking I did, that the chit chat was enough, when really, I didn’t even know how to be honest, so I let it remain as it was.

I feel like an idiot and it sucks when I’m the only one at fault.

I sure wish I could understand what it’s like for other people who don’t have to experience the normal emotions of life in such a magnified way as I do.  Until then, I’m going back to hating my brain, my heart, and while I’m at it, my libido, because good god, that sure seems to fuck everything up when thrown into the bowl of mush.

(btw, that’s my head, banging against the wall)

I’m locked inside my head these days, tormented by the most inane ideas, thoughts, and their correlations with the little and big things I do. Goodness, if I could slow it all down to finish a complete and somewhat coherent post here I will be amazed.

Thus why the lack in posts as of late.

Ashleigh’s half-finished portrait has been put aside next to me, my most recent “ooh, I should do this”. Now if I could complete preparing and arranging my pictures and art upon my very white and bare walls I’d be thrilled. But I’d rather play computer word games which keep my mind happy with the “think quick” processes, meander along a local hiking trail (new shoes rock!), hit the gym for some bag punching (my upper cut kicks ass!), spin or weight training, or maybe, hey, stay up until 3:30AM baking banana bread as if it was a lost craft.

I certainly hope I can get this under control with a very busy eight weeks of classes coming up, but until then, I’ll continue falling asleep out of pure exhaustion, the laptop glowing by my side.

Grateful to be alive I can’t help but anticipate the sudden screeeeching halt or if I’m lucky, it’ll be a gradual thing but I’ll still be left flippety flopping around like a damn fish without the slimy fishbowl of water and blue deco rocks.

As I battled the moon’s force this last week I either remained inside and isolated, or tried to say as little as possible when in public. Words are definitely not my friend when in this state. I can’t quite explain how little control I have of what comes out at times and there have been tons, oodles, omgwaytoomany moments when words have only remained caged because I’ve sat on my hands (so I couldn’t type them) or I’ve thrown my phone to the other side of my room to keep from making “that” phone call. Yeah, you know. The one where all feelings, obsessions are professed at the most inopportune time.

*sigh*

Quick recap of my 30th birthday though it seems it was ages ago, not two weeks. An ex-coworker friend from the museum treated me to dinner at the Outback the weekend before and gave me an awesome Office Space Kit to match the Red Stapler I already possess, plus a $50 gift card. Totally unexpected as I was just looking forward to enjoying a dinner and chat. The day of, my roommate made me an awesome lemon cake which had lemonade in it that made it moist, melt in your mouth, make you want to orgasm yummy. I then made my way down to D’s new place in Spring Valley (an hour away, but at least we’re both in California now), and enjoyed some of the Absolut she gifted me along with dinner. She also gave me a small, bright blue, stuffed jackass which her man and son didn’t quite “get” but it had me laughing and remembering our University District days.

My sister and nephew sent me a card which told me to have a “fabulous day” and it was the perfect card, because I did have a fabulous time. No getting stupid-drunk, but I had a relaxing day and rolled into year thirty with a smile. No crisis here, and I’m not sure why so many have issues with this birthday. Another year, but I’m still the Alicia everyone loves (or hates), still horny as all hell (only increases as I go), and still feel like I’m playing dress-up and haven’t been caught yet.