“..if there is any kind of magic in this world, it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something.”  -Celine in Before Sunrise

If I could just turn my head inside out, zzzip, flip it all around for everyone to see then maybe I wouldn’t feel like I need to explain myself. I don’t want to explain, I just want to be, to exist without needing further details and diagrams, as if a child’s toy yanked from twist-ties and clamshell packaging only to require a multi-language instruction manual before use.

I want a lot of things. The hole I’m somewhat snug in right now doesn’t exist for the lack of desire.

Today I heard my baby crying over the phone because she missed her dad, she missed me and all I wanted was to give her a hug, to believe when I told her everything would be okay. I so badly wish to have a secure job so I can welcome Ash home in a few months, so she doesn’t have to wonder why I’m home so often lately, so she can go to and from school with only the worry of what kind of Sponge Bob Play Doh thing we’ll make that night. I wish she didn’t understand when I say I’m paying a bill that she asks “water or electric?” I want to provide for her the best in every way that I can. Yet I sit here, browsing ads, working on my resume, my gut squashed, my desire muffled with despair and wonder. But I can’t explain how heavy it is, so much that hours have wasted away while nothing is accomplished.

Oh, I want a lot of things. I want someone I can talk to about everything, nothing, someone that actually tells me they miss me, that tells me it’s okay to stop joking around and be simple, serious every now and then. To be comforted instead of the comforter. I want someone to be strong for me, to hold me, and I know their touch isn’t fleeting or for a purpose other than to say “It’s okay, I’m here”. But I am alone and I am left here wondering how long I can be the tough one, the determined soul that battles through everything when I just feel like collapsing in defeat.

I dance, move to the energetic beats, yet sit deflated as the last sound of each song fades. I want to be around someone, anyone, to laugh, to enjoy myself but at the same time I just want to hide away from everyone and do nothing.

It’s not that I don’t want to do something, that I am not motivated. It’s that I can’t get these lead weights off my body. I feel like I can’t breathe in this dark pit with the air so contaminated.

These sudden drops never get easier and I think each time is more difficult, more of a fight to survive in the darkest of holes. I know just hours ago I was feeling euphoric, flying with restless energy after an extensive workout but it seems unreachable at this hour.

If only I could cease caring about others, if I could flick off the switch of devastation that no one else can see. I ache at the idea of being anyone but myself, but am sickened at the notion of not being what I am. To want, enjoy, laugh, be made happy, I am a fucking mess and I just wish to say exactly what is on my mind, what I want, but I am unable. Oh, to discard filters and a conscience so I could experience what it’s like not to hesitate, to question every thought, each emotion. I am human, I want, but why do I think I can’t have?

I am withdrawing, inching back against pillows, the wall, the world and feel helpless to resist. I want to exclaim to all why I am this way but I can’t, because I don’t know, more accurately, don’t understand. I wish to explain to one why, what, but I can’t, self-mutilation of my tongue by a mental sword.

I am so cold, my insides a solid block of questions, doubt.

Show me what it’s like
to dream in black and white
so I can leave this world tonight.
-Unknown Soldier, Breaking Benjamin

Rest is what I need, my mind is deafening and in the darkest place I can recall and I want out.

My dreams have always been memorable. I can still recall the one as a child that repeated at least once a year, purple polka-dotted elephants flying around my room. Sometimes I have difficulty classifying if these are dreams or nightmares, but lately, I am definitely experiencing an extreme increase in disturbing dreams. Not nightmarish in that I’m not running from someone and actually, there’s no sense of distress, fear or danger. Well, more specifically, not on my part. Mm, perhaps I make no sense, but then again, I have yet to understand some of what has occurred during recent REM sessions.

I can still remember many details of one a few nights ago and while I have shared it with someone close, I am not too sure I am comfortable sharing it with the world. While I understand the overall message it was conveying, as it was pretty much explained to me at the end, I am quite disturbed at the images and process of how I got from the beginning to the end. To say it was a gory or twisted dream doesn’t even begin to explain how truly fucked up it was. Yet, I didn’t wake up scared, I woke up feeling refreshed, though a little lonely, happy, yet startled. I read gruesome books, I am not disgusted by bloodshed and gory movies but the detail and vivid imagery, surroundings and my lack of empathy was a rude awakening.

The past few nights since this dream (and I classify it as a dream because there was no perceived harm being done to me nor was I frightened) have been unreal. How else could I possibly describe the images I remember each time I awake, so full of detail, colors imprinted forever with the scene, the emotions so overwhelming I can’t shake them for hours?

I get it, at least I think I do. It’s as if my mind is bursting with these emotions that is must release them as quickly and passionately as possible. Each dream is engulfing and seem to focus so much I am saturated by my senses: I could see a person’s face as if one of my portraits and with each expression and as they moved their features were erased, redrawn or blended; I saw nothing but felt warmth, felt skin against skin, “felt” colors of warm reds mixed with purples, chilly blues and giggling shades of orange; I heard voices, soothing, repeating conversations from before, and my own, laughing, talking serious, intently discussing topics from idiots and lovers to insecurities and Gargoyles; I woke up this morning with the taste of melting ice cubes lingering as if I’d just reached the end of a beverage, yet remembering numerous other sour, sweet, bitter, and spicy tastes all mingled in a storyline.

I feel somewhat normal but very, very odd. Colorful and memorable dreams have always existed with me, but I can’t say I’ve ever experienced such a dramatic flurry. It is as if I’m waiting for the epiphany, the finale which explains all and provides answers to my flabbergasted questions. I have written the most disturbing one down but have yet to figure out how I might describe the dreams I briefly touched on above. All I have to do is close my eyes and remember, but I doubt my ability to express such realism with only words.

Once again, I am unemployed. Good god, it was not expected by anyone, but life goes on. I think more people were angered by the news than I was, but only because I wasn’t exactly happy with my situation and was relieved I was no longer dealing with it.

I still have a bit of anger left in me but most it was diffused yesterday and today as I beat the shit out of the bag at the gym. The most difficult about being let go on Monday is that I was never given a reason and as of yet, looks like I never will. Just that I was no longer needed. Bullshit. But hey…I will find something else, hopefully quickly.

And the cover letter writing starts, the days of “I can do this, I kick ass” mixed with “wtf am I doing, I can’t get a job”, but in time another experience will begin.

I know I have this amazing ability to pick myself up, laugh, keep going but it sure would be a relief to no longer need this skill. Challenges are great, they keep life interesting but sheesh, how about some positive challenge, eh?

Good news this week, though…I finally found a family doctor that listened to me and prescribed me something for my arthritis. My sleep has been incredibly peaceful and without pain the past few days, something I haven’t had in years.

So, currently I have plenty of time on my hands, even after all the job searching and pursuing. Call me, write me, message…bug me, ’cause I can only talk to myself so much!