So I overdid it at the gym this morning – it was to be expected. Typical of my eagerness to get back into my prior routine, it wasn’t the cardio but the chest press which kicked my weakening self. Having to build up to the strength I had before bronchitis is beyond frustrating. It sure is good to feel alive again, blood pumping, sweat dripping, fists punching, toes dancing, and triceps burning. Walks around the neighborhood never offered such satisfying results.

Considering work has become much less stressful as before, and my semester is coming close to an anti-climactic end, I am still an emotional whirlwind. Chalk it all up to personal dilemmas, feelings thriving when they’re supposed to have been muffled from the beginning. It’s difficult to mislead myself when it seems nearly all musical genres send the mind spinning, the gut unable to ignore an overwhelming desire for more than what exists. A full moon is no longer the singular cause for craziness, my behaviors, as I believe my craving for more than just physical connection is stronger each day.

Restless. I am extremely restless. My bed was my escape on Friday but eventually I was no longer enjoying the comfort of blankets and pillows but suffering the emptiness. Drawing is only a temporary relief, as my mind only dwells.

I have attempted to distract myself with no success. At times I am energized, overwhelmed with memories, smiles, a touch, I could roll around in my crisp sheets, a grin on my face covered by pillows. Other moments have me smothered by sadness – loneliness, emptiness – and I fall asleep wishing for dreams to fade by morning so as not to be reminded.

I haven’t exactly been “around” lately, mentally just going through the motions, but I’m edging my way back. Very slowly. A boost to my weekend last Saturday was the NAMI Walk that Ash and I participated in (tons of pictures at the link below) and then the article my friend, Diane wrote. So, check out the photos from Saturday and the Press-Enterprise article which includes a picture and quote from Ashleigh.

Tomorrow should be a good day off as I’m looking forward to sleeping and spending an extra day with Ash, maybe even getting in an bonus spinning session. I have so much I’ve wanted to say lately I just haven’t been able to get the words from the brain to the fingers on the screen. Soon.