My roommates’ kittens are play-fighting in the upstairs hallway, the ending of Saw 2 is still vivid in my mind and multiple gift wrapping masterpieces sit on the table waiting for presentation in the morning. I write this in preparation of internet access, my legs and lower back sore from my hour at the gym this evening. Oddly enough, only fifteen minutes were passed on the elliptical, with the remainder speaking to a boxing bag with forearms, elbows and Everlast-covered fists. How amazing it felt to finally return to the sweat, exhilaration and burn of a workout after a months’ absence due to illness. Today, was a good day, is still, and looks to be running well-oiled until my energy-drink induced alertness fades around the usual 2am-ish hour of the morn’.

Interesting how a single piece of video entertainment can get the mind running, preoccupied with moments previously believed as disregarded to the cobwebs of discarded emotions. Trigger. Unrelated triggers sneak in and I can only laugh at the absurdity, the reality that I approached and crossed my comfort line and enjoyed. Tart layers lead to the sweet, sweet candy. Yet I’ve poked a hole into the surface which once protected my desires, my slacking conscience.

Tired, I periodically rest my head along my elbow, considering sleep. Considering, only because my dreams have contained imagery I had believed to be discarded. Perhaps I should create visions regardless of potential reality and toss and turn with a smile on my face. Mmm, g’night.

A quick wine before I give in to my multiple medications and fall asleep.

It sucks a great deal when someone talks to you, acts like a friend yet soon as another specific person is around they completely ignore you. Sucks even worse when plans are made and then cancelled by the same someone when they had weeks in advance to schedule around the original event. I feel like a discarded stand-in.

I’m tired of people right now. I’m tired of telling myself “oh, they’re just having a bad day” when I know it’s entirely possible to treat people nicely when you’re having a shitty day because I DO IT ALL THE TIME. I poured wine for guests for two hours Saturday evening even though I had a fever and bronchitis, but I did it with a smile. And I didn’t even KNOW most of those people.

I maybe have the beginning of wrinkles but at least they’re from smiling and laughing, not scowling.

An article sits on the table next to my laptop awaiting analysis and an abstract and yet it has been untouched for hours. I sit with my fleece-warmed feet propped on the bench, headphones upon my ears and liquid caffeine on ice purposefully placed just-so to the right of my mouse. My mind is ready to write, to ooze out the confusion, questions and wonderment swishing inside the past few days. If only I could stop interrupting my own thoughts.

I am blunt. Very rarely have I ever been described as being subtle. My talent for creatively displaying my thoughts and opinions only exists on screen or paper, leaving face to face interactions somewhat entertaining at times. That said, when I want something, I go for it, and when I am interested in someone, I pursue. I am obvious and I definitely don’t know how to play shy. What keeps me from pressing someone against a wall and kissing them is only the surrounding world’s judgments and how such actions would create negative consequences.

As I’ve listened to my usual obsessive songs the past few hours, I’ve considered recent history. Does my assertiveness bother others? I’ve received mixed messages over the years and I suppose I’ll never reach any sense of understanding. But I do feel better, even if all I did was temporarily spout a thought or two.

Perhaps I’m a bit selfish, but there’s no sense in living a life if I’m not enjoying it and the pursuit of good things.

I hate my brain. Not dislike, not “really don’t like” but I hate, hate hate my brain. I would give up my ability to draw a detailed portrait just to understand my algebra without reading the instructions a minimum of five times. I would give up my diligence and my organizational skills to not freak out when given a word problem.

Today…not a good head day. Thanks to a reoccurring eye infection I was stuck wearing my lopsided, scratched glasses. Thus, I spent the day wanting to crawl into a hole, yet attempting to reach out and touch anything, everything, to be stable to feel comfortable and confident. When something is out of place in my world, something so simple as wearing my old prescription glasses instead of contacts, I am unstable. I feel like I’m in an old movie on jerky playback; I exist, but not quite how I should be. I am disconnected from the world, from myself. Today, I was so discombobulated I was very grateful to swim in my own projects and deal with very few questions.

Just as I was easing into a bit of normalcy, the power was shut off in the building and though we were left with lights, the alarms continued for two hours. Two hours of hell for my brain. Extremely sensitive to sounds of all types, what would drive anyone to kill, had me sitting at my desk unable to compose a thought, to see straight. I had to fight the urge to shake my head, to keep from twitching as the noises crept deeper and deeper inside, pulsating with my heartbeat. I wanted to bang my head against a wall, the desk, anything, just to turn it off.

Two hours later and my head is still ringing. I am unable to concentrate on my math, something I really must do as I am failing. But I write while watching the sunset, watching Ashleigh play outside, and I close my eyes in hopes of shutting out the noise, the distractions, the world.

I can only sit back and shake my head as I wonder what I’ve gotten myself into. Myself and the whole other team I manage to wrangle into cooperation next month.

As of today, I am the registered team leader of the Panacea Team for a walkathon next month. It is NAMIWalks for the Mind of America, NAMI’s signature walkathon event that is being held in Hemet, CA at Diamond Valley Lake Marina on November 4th, 2006. Just behind the museum where I work, actually, only 5k, which makes the walk manageable for me without having to do months of training so as not to die on the path with a serene lake in the background. For once I found out about such a thing before the event, not the week after.

I’ve never done a run, walk, hoppalong, whatever, before, so this will be my first. The most important factor in this is that while I would like to raise money via sponsors, I am doing this for me. Perhaps the only way to survive with bipolar disorder is to realize it still exhists even when it is repeatedly wished away. I woke up yesterday with the gradual sinking thoughts that it was indeed another day, another day of struggling to swallow my pills, another day to juggle.

Please support me in this walk, if not financially, then with encouragement and humor. I will have a coworker walking with me, one of my roommates, and hopefully a few more will succumb to my large-eyed pleading. If you’re interested, visit the (very basic) Panacea Team Site where you can see who else is walking with me. There is also a link so you can donate online. Donating online is fast and secure, and I’ll get immediate notification via e-mail of your donation. Although the page will update how many donations have been received, I will also post updates on here periodically. I’ve never been one to ask for donations, sponsors and such, but I think I finally have a cause which interests me and actually affects me directly.
I’m still wondering if I’m manic or something because the desire to participate in a walk is one thing but to actually follow through and step up as a team leader is something quite rare for me.

Oh yeah…it’s Mental Illness Awareness Week, October 1-7.

(and yes, the site is a still a bit wonky…I’m aware of that. I shall fix in time…)