Ash is curled up on the bed, snoring away and I wonder if she’s enjoying pleasant dreams or rehashing the car accident again as she did last night. Thanks to some muscle relaxer from my roommate I slept just dandy, even though Donilyn says I my speech was a bit slurred.

Today, I stopped pretending I wasn’t in pain and turned into a cranky, snappy mom, but Ash survived, even informing me she would leave me alone so I would be quiet. Nice. Nothing like a nifty car accident to spice up the household life.

Monday even, I was already in an off mood, driving around with Ash after picking her up, unsure where to go but definitely not wishing to go home. So, instead of going to the gym, I decided on some retail therapy and started a quest for Ashleigh’s new shoes. Completely unnecessary, we looked around and then headed into Temecula, a city I already despised. Stopped at a light just off the freeway, some Ashley Simpson reject with Homer Simpson slippers rear ended my rental car and pushed me into the Yukon in front of me.

Ash is fine, I am ok, though extremely sore on my left side and definitely not done feeling the pain, but that chick and her mother were beyond messed up. The girl had called her mom to come help her, yet when the lady showed up, it didn’t take long for the officers to realize she was drunk. Therefore, she was taken aside, tested, cuffed, and thrown in the patrol car. Meanwhile, the barely 16/17 daughter (chick who ran into me) freaked out, yelled some things about her mom, hopped in her car and drove off.

Comedic, I tell ya. If I wasn’t out in the freezing cold consoling a 4-year-old who was more scared than hurt. Granted, she lightened up a bit when the officers arrived. Of course, she was upset at first, as she thought cops only helped dead people, but after some clarification, Ash was all smiles.

I did miss a day of work today, since Enterprise snagged my rental car yesterday, but at least the at-fault’s insurance agency was on the ball and hooked me up with another one via Hertz. I disliked missing work today and Ash drove me bonkers, yapping all day long, so getting back to my routine tomorrow will be a relief.

I’m not thrilled with how I was earlier, on edge, antsy, and down right cranky, but the nearly permanent scowl has faded and my laugh crinkles have returned. The urge to chuck a large object across the room no longer exists, and I don’t feel so angry anymore. Sure, the anger is disappearing along with the pain, but it’s the somewhat resolved situation which has acted as a calming agent. While I thrive on chaos to some degree, the continuation of it becomes too much and I usually end up spinning in a world of curt words and little patience. Again, I am unhappy in such a state, and welcome the renewed calmness, even if it temporary for now.

I didn’t realize I was edging into the unknown sadness until Ash said “see, it made you smile” after one of her crazy antics. To have a four-year-old notice and attempt to shake the mood from me was too much of reality but now I am trying to do so myself, though unsuccessful thus far.

My weekend was exciting, full or drunken kareoke Friday night, anticipation and playfulness on Saturday, and some outdoor time with Ash and the roommates earlier. I was feeling so damn spiffy that the three and a half hours to drop Ash off as well as the over four hours home didn’t bother me too much. Yet right now I want to chuck my philosophy text out the window, tell Ashleigh to leave me alone and lock myself in the room. I’ve tried calling friends but can’t follow through…I feel disconnected but unsure of the reason. I miss people, smells, feelings, laughter, exhaustion, smiles, and simultaneously wish to remain in a personal bubble away from it all for days.

I’m on track with my meds, or so I thought, so I’m only left to wonder what’s brought this drastic change.  As I hear myself snap at Ash, I cringe, apologize and turn away, determined to refrain from crying.  I enjoy living where I do but can’t help but question whether my roommates view me as I see myself. Do they see the lack of control I feel or is it just me, ultra-sensitive and overreacting?

I question myself, my thoughts, movements, actions, and it’s not right, because I’m confident, I smile, I do what I do because I want to…except for today.  And I hate this, the second-guessing.  Nothing seems right, everything seems off, a miss-step, and I’m all wibble-wobbly, struggling for balance.

And I’m using “I” too much, a higher ratio of sentences starting with “I”, but I can’t help it. It’s all me, my mind, my thoughts on how I am running around in my head and the rest of the world is an afterthought, meaningless at this moment.

The layout and colors of this place will be changing around as I tinker with a new design.  Until it’s complete I’ll have some sort of pre-made theme installed so it’s not too painfull.  I think it’s about time for a new design, seeing has how it’s been over two years, maybe even three, since I put up a new one.  Talk about falling in a rutt! Anyhow, I’m working on something, and as always is the case with me, patience will be needed.

I love attention. It would be hypocritical if I were to deny it, therefore, let me say, today, was fabulous. I woke up to Ashleigh looking at me with a big grin saying “happy birthday momma! After my shower I had a phone call which added a spark to my morning, extended my smile. My office swarmed me with balloons, cards, gifts and birthday wishes in the ten steps it took to reach my desk, and I was even treated to lunch. After work Ash insisted that I have a cake, and even though she split it in half while “carefully” handling it, she enjoyed that cake as if it were her own.

I love it! I can’t stop smiling, my day has been beyond what I could hope for. Never do I expect anything, but every bit of acknowledgment or gifts are so very much appreciated. I was told today that my enthusiasm is like a child’s and I take that as a compliment. Each birthday I reach is another sign that I’m alive and kicking. And after eighteen years of forbidden birthday celebration, I’m going to soak up each one I get. True, I enjoy giving gifts on other special occasions, but for me, the thrill of receiving a gift never dies, whether it is expensive, hand-made, or a card. I hope I never lose the twinkle or spirit as it may be known, because if I do, perhaps it wouldn’t be worth the wait to reach another birthday.

I don’t feel any older, in fact, I feel healthier, more alive than I ever have before. Next year’s 30 isn’t quite as threatening as some would expect. Hell, I’m going to decide how old I feel! I know of those who live their young lives as if they’re old and fading, and those with a few (or twenty) more years than myself who rarely give off the reality of their ages. It is possible I’m quite clueless, as I have no idea how my life will be in the future, but as I progress each year, I won’t go quietly.

So, after all that reflection business, Happy Fucking Birthday to me! After this last year, I deserve it and I’m sure as hell going to celebrate it this weekend. Here’s hoping I don’t do anything stupid, but I’ll be drinking, so maybe that’s asking too much.

Yes, this stubborn writer is still squirming along online six years and counting. I’m still going, most likely because I have this extreme dislike for quitting, but also because I always have something to say, even when I can’t remember what it is (or it takes me a while).

I can only look back at my original trivial posts and realize how in some areas I have not changed, yet in a few ways I have. I enjoyed life before, but I didn’t take it and spin it around with passion as I do now. Oh, the worry I used to let corrupt my mind and now, partially thanks to living with someone who has perfected “winging it”, I take each day as I face it outside the sheets. There is the necessary concerns, financials, schooling, will Ash call the teacher a jackass, and so on, but they are not promenent.

In six years I have moved eight times, lived in five cities, two states and attempted my education at two schools with three majors. I have taken the spitballs of crappy days aimed in my direction and survived. My daughter is beautiful, smart, and a mini-me smartass leaving little more to desire in a perfect spawn. New friends and amazing people have inserted themselves in my life and I know I am loved, I am missed, and voices give cause to smile.

All this has happened for one reason, that being I have never seen an option other than to laugh, do what I need to do, rinse and repeat.

Ashleigh’s lastest piece of knowledge she has shared with me: “kissing isn’t ew if you love them”. That came from my barely four-year-old, the one who had a boy kissing her after only meeting thirty minutes earlier in the gym kids area. This is definitely going to be an interesting fourteen more years.

The past two weeks since has been tiresome but most rewarding at the same time. I pretty much get up, get Ash and myself ready, drop her off at preschool, go to work, run errands on lunch hour, pick Ash up, and either go home and eat, or head to the gym first, then eat and go to bed. Ash is better than any trainer out there, requesting the gym nearly every day, but it’s working to my benefit.

I believe I’m back on track meds wise but I still have my doubting moments where I consider discontinuing them. A stupid idea, nonetheless, it’s a staple in my thought process as I lay in bed thinking about the day’s dose I haven’t taken yet. This blissful “I’m happy” outlook is so refreshing but I always wonder if it’s me, or the meds, and I am not fond of the question. Admittedly, I don’t doubt as much as I used to, as it is only a tiny speck of an annoyance these days, but I look forward to the day when I don’t ponder the cause of my happiness.

I heard a song recently and it’s seaped into my mind as of late. Reminded of some of the recent struggles, but hell, jiggled the happy bug again and I smiled.

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know I’ll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride

I like that when I’ve had a long and crazy day a phone call gives me a thrill, that I am genuinely enjoying life, albeit tired. I love the moments when I am Ashliegh’s world, when I make her day with the last-minute save on “share day”, the surprise smoothie after the gym, or the “little blue man” tickle-fest at bed time. I am happy, but hearing a smile or seeing Ash light up adds a warmth which can not be duplicated.

Considering I was sent home from work Thursday and Friday and spent all day Saturday in bed, today wasn’t so bad. At least I wasn’t sick anymore when the iritable and crankyass hit thanks to my forgetfullness and lack of meds for four days. The tough part will be waiting the couple days for my system to straighten itself out as I get back on track and somewhat non-psycho again.

Ashleigh is back in California, so in reality, life is good, even with the minor details as illness, and jury duty tomorrow morning. We had some major struggles today, but this last week has been refreshing. My sleep has been extremely restful, even with her loud snoring, and the giggle/tickle-fests and coloring sessions make up for her selective hearing skills.

I really thought I had more on my mind, but I think all the frustrations and doubts have washed themselves out on their own. There are moments when I feel like I’ve forgotten how to be a parent or I feel guilty for desiring a break so soon but Ash doesn’t seem to mind me as her mother right now, even when I snag her Play Doh privileges.

While I’m here, some photos from February & March.

Anthro Links for my own future reference (ie: when I have time):

The Evolution Of Right And Left Handedness

Researcher studies how we learned to walk like man
Of course, now I can’t get “Walk Like A Man” out of my head and I haven’t even read the article.