Homework is one of my simple kits, but I love the color combination and the alpha. Oh yeah, and my little mini squares that took forever in a day to make because they had to be random. Yes, 2,304 random little squares because I refused to go the pattern way.

Anyhow, Homework is done. At least this assignment. Here’s my September Nifty Kit, better late than never: Homework.

Now, I’m going to sleep.

Mm, I was hoping to make a trip to San Diego tomorrow (Tuesday) but doesn’t look like it. This lack of a job thing has deminished the income, so unless someone is willing to share a drive with me, no go. If you’re in the Inland Empire area and interested, The Bradbury Press is playing at Canes tomorrow night at 9pm. Let me know if you’d like to make the trip as it’d definitely be more enjoyable with company.

Barely eleven and I’m ready for bed because apparently four hours sleep doesn’t quite cut it. G’night!

I am still a bit tired, but not feeling the drag and pull as of the last couple weeks. The cause for this I don’t really care, and if it was due to the “mental reset” I dealt with the past couple days, so be it. Either way, I woke up feeling good and ready to tackle the world. It’s been a few weeks too long since I felt that and I’m glad to be back at em.

It’s entertaining to look back on yesterday, reading, remembering. I have so many things going on right now (looking for a job, catching up with Cashew Style, excelling in my classes) but it was so refreshing to do whatever, sole intent on passing time. That point, I’d say I reached it around 2:30AM this morning, when I was sooo tired, so frustrated I wanted to cry yet laugh the next minute…it was some sort of high. As if once I reached it I knew it was worth it. Perhaps this is all “in my head” but oh well, the end result is all I’m looking for, screw the process.

Earlier this evening I took my make-up exam for Anthro and I feel I did exceptionally well. Unusual, as I typically have a few moments of freaking out when he hands them to me. This time, even with some minor tremors, completely unrelated and pre-existing, and a nagging headache, I calming read the exam, tackled each section as I went. I only faltered on a couple, but at least they were the minimal point ones and really, I’m not too concerned. Such a welcome feeling, instead of walking out and feeling like I failed.

There are many times I have felt the overwhelming failure and while it momentarily sucks, all I can do is try harder, do something different, do what I can until I succeed. The phone call to my mother to inform her I lost my job was not one I looked forward to. Other than the dreaded “Oh dear”, I knew she would be upset and concerned. Yet this time, I told her and left it at that and asked if I would be okay. She knows. She knows I’ve been in worse situations (7 months pregnant and suddenly without a job wasn’t exactly a positive moment), and my mom also knows somehow I make it.

It saddens me that at 65 my parents aren’t doing well financial and I’m unable to help them. So I do the best I can at the moment and I reassure them I’m okay, I haven’t thrown anything (to Dad, he laughs, but understands), and that I am still trying. Eventually, I will achieve my various goals (one of them just happened but will be announced in October) and even though I haven’t done it all by 28, life still exists and continues on for me. I may have been their most difficult child (in their words) but I’ll take that as a compliment.

Really, I am. I just feel like crap physically is all. But that’s okay, as I’m finally going to sleep, even for a measly four hours. Thank you to everyone who stayed up with me, I really can’t thank you enough! Now, I’m going to bed!

11:38AM and I really do live in the quietest section of the complex. What a bunch of dull people. I’m quite certain the patrolling officer was thrilled to see something going on at 4AM, seeing as how he backed up and watched me the whole time.

And the night/day continues. I’m exhausted, the extended walk did nothing but tire me out, and I nodded off while on the phone with Ash. I still need to study for a test tomorrow (yeeeeeaaaah), pick an archeological site to work with, and yeah, finish redoing my resume (the third version focusing on web skills). Here’s hoping I mark all these off by 3AM.

9PM on the dot and since I’m already fighting the urge to go snuggle with my pillows, I’ll begin my list of stuff I do to survive these hours. Mainly, as one more thing to do to keep me busy. Thirty hours from now I get to fall asleep but not only do I have to wait that long, I only get to sleep 4 hours once I do. Fun stuff! Feel free to message me on Yahoo over the night/day as I’ll need the extra entertainment. Help keep this woman awake!

I’ll be adding to this list as I make it through the night and tomorrow, hopefully finding enough tasks and items to interest me for another 27 hours.

I am not sure what this night will bring but it is going to be long. The earliest I may sleep is 3AM on Sunday, without any naps. I’ve pulled these nights before but under (hypo)mania or alcohol induced highs, not doctor’s orders. The depression that seemingly went away was only masked with the alcohol last weekend, so here I am, attempting something that worked years ago in hopes it will kick this fucking bastard from my system.

A part of me believes it’ll actually work, as I know it did five years ago, yet another bit of me feels I should just take additional medications because this is a load of crap. Oh, to be a patient which doesn’t question the pdoc, but I can not be that way, I question, I wonder and I want answers. Last week I quizzed him, why do the sleep dep instead of the drugs, and ten other questions. Each time he answered things made sense but I didn’t want them to.

I dislike this dance within my head so much, the dread I feel when my hands tremble. I’m afraid to call and let my pdoc know of the tremors and I wait, for the blood test on Monday, hoping, just hoping they go away.

Yesterday was difficult but I made it through the low, the lower, and I went to sleep with an upbeat attitude. Today has been hell. I did not want to get out of bed and only did so because the phone woke me and I had to go to the bathroom. Usually the endorphins kick me in gear, but an extensive workout at home and a brisk walk in the evening did nothing but weigh me down. The number of times I’ve wanted to cry but couldn’t, I have lost count.

It is a feeling of being lonely which overwhelms me. Yes, I am depressed, for no particular reason, and yet I am alone. I enjoy being single, I love the independence of being able to see whomever, to spend my time how I please, but I do miss having someone at home with me. It is times as now, when I’m experiencing such an unknown despair, that I wish had more than a green blanket for comfort.

I can count on myself to find another job, to pay the bills, attend classes, handle all I need to survive, including sex and good company. Yet I can not provide everything, and tonight is one more night I could use another sitting on the couch next to me. No words to be spoken, just the understanding in the silence which would muffle the despair within.

So what’s the superhero for writing really fast?

Heh, I’m still amazed. I managed to write a paper in four hours and it’s pretty decent, though bviously I’ll find out when the Prof. returns them next week. This one was regarding bipolar so while it seemed easy at first, it was difficult to write at times. The personal stuff is much more of a challenge than analyzing people or movies.

I do have a lot to write regarding this week but I am heading to class in a few. That, and I’d rather not write when there’s still a bit of anger residing within.

Considering I’m still in a fog from the weekend and I am newly unemployed, I’m in a wonderful mood. The sunburn is a bit of an inconvenience but at least it matches my hair.

Me love you long time.
That’s some funny ass shit.
Fuck you you fucking fuck.
Feeway!
You need some water.
Smells like horseshit.
Mo! Dude…Mo!

I am so spacey today but it beats the overwhelming desire to hide in a dark corner while overusing my tear ducts. The depression is there, more in a disconnected sense though. Sure, I’ve been battling the urges to rest my head on the desk and sleep, but I’ve also managed to squeeze some honest smiles out on this sullen face.

For now I will increase the lith and try to reach that happy serum level. Joy. If that doesn’t work in the next couple weeks then it’s time for sleep deprivation therapy. Hell if I know wtf is going on in my head right now but I’ll do what I can to live a coherant day. I was actually surprised my pdoc suggested the sleep dep but apparently he actually read waaay back in my chart and saw that it worked quite well for me five years ago. Kudos to him for that, as well as bonus points for his new hobby, physical anthropology. We actually had an interesting discussion on topics ranging from evolution to human origins. Y’all know those topics bring great pleasure to this lady, so it was a nice way to end what had originally been a stressfull visit.

Four more hours and I’ll be picking up Donilyn, so I won’t be around over the weekend. Thankfully, for a few days I’ll actually have a life.

I’m sitting here, waiting for my laundry to finish so I can finally head to sleep. Browsing the anthro articles I came across Schizophrenia ‘price for speech’? - a very brief yet interesting write up on the possible origins of Schizophrenia in relation to our speech capabilities.

I read it and see it as encouraging, because the more knowledge of an illness I would think the more equiped humans are to treat it. I suppose I should leave it alone as I’m not a psych major (thankfully), but I just don’t understand why Paul Corry would seem to take such offense to the possibility of a cause being discovered. Psychiatry and psychology wil not disappear because it is pinpointed how Schizophrenia originated. Just because anthropologists may learn what lead up to the developement of the mental illness doesn’t mean the current causes of the illness would be explained. The alleles which give rise to malaria are known but it is still prevalent, as are many other diseases, including the Stickler Syndrome I have.

Studying and learning about today’s Modern Humans is very helpful but it is also benefital to study the extinct as they tell a story we’d never know unless we searched. Like an old box of letters, clothing, memorabilia and other items from generations of a family, it’s about piecing together the past to understand the what/why/how of today.

Now I’m off to bed and hopefully when I read this over in the morning it all makes sense. I’m pretty sure I left out a whole string of sentences that would really explain the thoughts exploding in my head but I’m quite sure everyone is used to that by now.

As much as I want to run home to my bed, I would really enjoy a good dinner with a friend. Every day I rush home to bed or homework, rarely eating anything but some peanut butter toast for dinner. A nice sit-down dinner, just chatting, laughing about whatever meal, is all I desire.

Of course, I’d actually have to decide on where to go if this were to ever happen, and that’s an event in itself. Perhaps Donilyn and I will take a few moments to do so this weekend.

Can’t fucking think here. Well, I can think, just about tons of things and how I want to go back to bed.

I finally called and scheduled an appointment with my pdoc tomorrow morning before class. I hope the damn numbling/tingling feeling in my right hand and arm goes away by then as it’s quite difficult to type.

Not that I’m getting any work done of course. I came in to work a couple hours late and still can’t seem to accomplish anything. Hopefully I won’t fall asleep during class this evening as well.

Gah, this sucks. Lordy, how did I manage this before?

I’m fighting but not doing very good in this battle with gravity, doubt, worthlessness, and physical exhaustion. One foot, or in this case, finger, in front of the other and it takes twice as long to type.

Paper is…almost…done. Sooo close.

Of course, in my usual distraction technique, I was browsing my enormous mp3 folder, and came across a playlist I don’t recall creating. Superheroes. Really, all about heroes in some form. Interesting. I can’t help but wonder when this list was collected. Until I figure that out, here’s a couple of my favorites:

Superman Song
Greatest American Hero

Sing it!…”Believe it or not I’m walking on air, I never though I could feel so free-heee-heeeee!”

(right click and save as, these will be removed relatively soon)

For future reference when I’m not in the middle of writing two papers and studying for an exam, along with preparing for a weekend with my parner in crime.

Were Modern Humans Neighbors to Neanderthals?

Note to self: read tabbed articles in MHO book and email Ozilins.

Couldn’t help it, I had to read and this paragraph caught my attention:

The argument now is about whether Neanderthals were comic book characters — not-quite-bright, club-carrying, knuckle-draggers who couldn’t keep up with the invaders — or, instead, simply a different people who somehow got sideswiped into extinction for some other reason.

How the Neandertals disappeared may be the argument but whether they were “not-quite-bright, club-carrying, kunckle-draggers” is not even an issue. This generalized public opinion of Neathertals (no H) spawned from paleoantologist Marcellin Boule, and his incorrect interpretation of the Homo neanderthalensis (Neanderthal Man).

http://www.mnh.si.edu/anthro/humanorigins/ha/lachap.htm

I am running out of room on my mood chart, the lil’ bitty spaces allotted for today are full. See, there’s a box for Normal, and then Severe, Moderate and Mild for Mania or Depression. (thanks again, Angie) Not an issue usually, as I can mark down usually two or three significant moods, and I do it each time as a number, so I can follow the order in which these progress, not just from day to day but within the day, (additionally, I track levels of anxiety and irritability, and hours slept). Today has seven substantial changes, up down up down down up up up down. If I was being nitpicky like some previous pdocs have requested I’d have over ten. But I’m just noting the changes that aren’t triggered by something specific, the unpredictable swings.

This is all very weird to me. When I was diagnosed it was during a serious manic period, beyond the hypomania I tend to cling to as a friend lately. Most of my depression, as least what I recall (that’s a whole ‘nother thing) was experienced in my high school years after some lengthy hypo/manic episodes. Longer periods, what I was used to when good ole lithium came along. Since then it’s been only tiny bits of depression here and there (mostly after Ashleigh was born) and the constant battle of hypomania. Lithium tamed my mania for the most part but seemed to have wiped the lows away.

After battling it all minus the meds, I experienced some gah, can’t even describe it, mixed states a couple months ago and finally started the lithium again. It’s helped but it wasn’t until I increased this last time I noticed something of greater difference. Sure, my hypomania had been diminishing, I began to level. Yet now I’m experiencing more depression I’ve known in the last five years. I can write this, so matter of fact as I’m so damn disconnected from the world right now.

As of this moment it’s very mild, but this morning it was so overwhelming I took a break and sat in my car for fifteen minutes, crying. Hell if I know why. Just felt like I had to, so I did. I can completely handle crying for a reason. I may be inconsiderate and cold in some situations but others have me fighting the tears (usually when I’m frustrated and confused and unable to express my thoughts). But at least I know why I’m crying! Either way, these random urges to cry, they hurt. Give me a wall, I’ll punch it, find me an object, I’ll throw it, but I don’t have that desire as of late and it confuses me.

I type this out trying to make sense of everything and while I understand what is happening I am definitely not thrilled. I can understand why pdocs deal with noncompliant patients so often. It is frustrating and so tempting to say “fuck it” and go back to the insanity I’m used to. I don’t because I know where that got me last time but that doesn’t mean the thought isn’t within, poking, taunting me each chance it can.

I’m off to bed, even though I have oodles of designing left to do. I tried for hours to accomplish something and only a minute escaped as I moped in front of the non-responsive monitor. Of course, I somehow manage to squeeze these words out with little effort, yet one more thing I’ll never quite understand.

Doing better. OK. Still sucky, just not as sucky sucky as earlier.

And to think I dislike my mania. Eh. Would be a nice relief at this moment while I struggle to remain from this depression’s hold.

It has been at least two years since I’ve slipped to this point and it sucks. Nothing positive at all, especially not the urge to go back to sleep, nor the desire just walk out of the office and drive home. I’m pretty sure this is happening due to my lithium kicking in for the most part, therefor the mania is diminishing. I’d love to discuss this with my new pdoc but my next appointment isn’t until November. Perhaps some Lamictal or something additional will help if I’m still hovering below.

It took a longer glance at my mood chart on the door to notice how long ago the drop began. At least I’m used to my mania, I know what to expect. Don’t need a damn chart to tell me when I’m flighing high.