I feel my head just wanting to shut down, like this morning when I looked at the quiz. All those lines going every which way, I knew, but I had to cover the page and gradually move my hand to see them, one by one completing the quiz. This afternoon at work I have to keep getting up and walking to the kitchen, the bathroom, somewhere, to separate myself from the deposit slip, listings and statements.
I’m writing in hopes of clearing the chaos some but more to calm me down. I am so irritated, frustrated with something that I didn’t do, had no control over and I need to just start slowly. One, by one, check, check, check, ignore the laughing coworkers, the obnoxious vendors that won’t shut up and the phones ringing. One, by one, cleared, cleared, cleared.

I’ve taken my player out of the usb port and plugged the headphones in, blatantly ignoring the rest of the office. Is it so odd that I have certain procedures done in a specific way? Each deposit should match the day, print the listing in property consecutive order, staple the listing on top of the check copies…and so on. I don’t think it’s abnormal to have all these “ways” in which I carry out my day, my job, but apparently it’s not so normal to the coworkers. I’m trying to grasp the idea of doing this shit randomly and I just can NOT fathom, can not even imagine doing it any other way.
Everything in my life isn’t so exact, though I have some things organized enough to ignite laughter over my labeling fixation, my containers and trays for specifics, and my inability to finish something until I do it the right way.

I appreciate the help others try to give me when we’re busy but I don’t think they quite understand how it actually creates more difficulties. The five minutes someone saved me by doing the deposit has created a day’s worth of double-checking and screaming at my brain for hours.

I really should not be allowed in a store, let alone Target, when I am trying to sidetrack myself from studying. A simple trip for bobby pins and now I have purple tinges of hair.

Of course, I browse around for reviews of this stuff after I’ve placed it in my hair. I can kinda sorta see the plum (yes, that’s right purple), but I’ve read it shows more once the hair is dry. That, and while I was doing something out of the norm, I was chicken shit and didn’t use the whole can. No matter, I’m pretty sure I’ll still have a little surprise when I wake up for class in the morning. After I finish studying…

UPDATE: Woo hoo! It’s not that visible, only on a couple highlights. But now I think I’ll put the rest on tonight, heh.

For future reference:

Men, women and Darwin

A Society Without Husbands or Fathers: the Na of China

And here I thought I was doing just peachy. A week without anything odd, weird, and only a teeny tiny hint of tremors for a day. Yet today I’m irritable but not, in a sense that I’m just fine, then all of a sudden a specific sound while talking to someone and I have to go, immediately.

It’s been a productive day, with twelve papers finished (3 left), some laundry actually put away, and little bit of cleaning as well. Even after my far too many drinks last night with Genny, I slept for eight hours and woke up feeling great. But I’m feeling slightly edgy and not happy about that. When I can’t talk to my daughter because her distracted talking is causing my head to swirl, things aren’t quite as peachy as I’d like it.

And this fly that snuck in last night is still here, hovering, then landing on my papers, twitchin’ wings and flying off. Little shit…gah.

The day has flown way too quickly but I suppose that happens when I don’t fall asleep until 5:30AM and wake up in the afternoon.

See, my thoughts are jumpy, what’s with this? Eh. Okay, I’m heading back to Photoshop because for the first time in months it is not freaking out on me while creating a kit.

I won’t even go into the list of things I’m trying to accomplish this weekend, but I’ve already started whipping the list in shape. Not bad considering it’s barely noon on Saturday. Writings should be scarce, at least on here, though I will be working on my first paper at some point.

I wish the new gym was open NOW, because I’m energized, feel like having a good workout. Guess I’ll hope to retain this and enjoy a walk and small workout at home later.

Eh, not much, yah, warned ya. Once school starts, I’m not the chatty one, especially since I’m on meds as well. Back to the stale, “normal” Alicia. heh.

Earlier this week I discovered BRMC thanks to myspace (and a little bit of boredom). My brain is pretty occupied with my designs at the moment, but I had to drop in here and share them with ya. A mix of the good ole rock and some blues thrown in, and the harmonica is my favorite bit. Very addictive. Enjoy. Their newest album is up for listening on myspace.

I suppose my body is a tad worn out as of late, but I did not expect deal with the intense arthritic pain I experienced last night.

Last night I sat in a near scalding bath and sang songs over and over in my head in hopes of soothing my legs and arms and distract my mind. No amount of Advil, prescription strength ibu, or leftover vicodin, could ease the pain, the aches. Clickety clickety, I prepared my hot packs, wrapping them tightly around my ankles with little result.

I used to suffer nights and days of this pain a couple times a week, but it has dissipated since my move to California. While the sun does help, it does not rid me of my osteoarthritis, and so I still experience this a few times a year. On a daily basis I take nothing for pain, used to the ache in my wrists, the ankles and knees reminding me they’re there often. During the period I was not on my lithium I attempted to find some sort of pain medication for managing the extremely rough times. Nothing seemed to break down the sharpness, the jarring pain that occurred on its own schedule. Eventually I discovered Celebrex and grew to love it. I only used it once or twice a month and even though I dislike taking medicine in general, I was content and comfortable with such use.

The last few months have been difficult when dealing with the arthritis but not so much as the tooth pain, so I did my best to ignore. Now that I can no longer ignore, I am unable to take the one drug I know works. As I finally lay there on my bed at 3AM, exhausted, my naked body chilled from the bath, I attempted to smother my body in warmth, layers and layers of blankets, comforters and throws. Last night I would have traded the physical pain if I could, I would deal with hypomania, with depression, with the confusing mixed states, just to feel no pain, to sleep, peacefully. I am aware it is not an option, but the thought alone was enough to ease myself into sleep, restless as it was.

It is extremely difficult to concentrate on work when my brain is in lalaland. I’m not tired, just “out there”. My mind is stuck on someone and I’m horny….yet I have to go to class after work. Buggers.

Oh my….I can not stop laughing after reading this article. I’m sure there are some out there that don’t see the humor and would get affended but oh well, tough titties to them. Go ahead, read…it even includes illustrations. Heh.

As I mentioned, I saw my new pdoc. I also received the go ahead to up my dosage to 900mg, my last known dosage which placed me at my ideal serum level. Yah, I know I’ve mentioned this before and I suppose I should shut up seeing as how I have my spiffy meds but maaaaan, dry mouth sucks. I am on my second liter of water today and my tongue feels like I burned it on some hot soup.

Adjustment periods are difficult, though at least with lithium I don’t deal with some of the wacked ones. (I only kill my kidneys in the process…) Granted, this beats the full-blown tremors, which are only minor this time around, but sheeeesh.

And that I must. Nearly midnight and I am heading to bed (honest, Stacie, I promise). I’m exhausted, up this morning at 6, working at 7, met with a new pdoc at 11:30 (he’s cool, slight God complex but in a predictable and quite manageable way), worked until 8:30, enjoyed a relaxing conversation, somehow made it home, played catch up on Cashew Style stuff, and now, alas, I crash. If I’m asleep within the next thirty minutes I might actually get eight hours sleep. Believe me, it’ll be going on the mood chart.

So I’m on the phone with Ash and we’re talking about how she was sick and how for some reason she wants to use the bathroom…and she’s asking me if it’s okay, please, if she uses it when I get to Texas. And then she says

“pee is warm.”

Um…yeah. “Really.”

“Why is pee warm?”

“Because it’s warm inside our bodies”

“like the sun?”

And now we’re on to another topic already. Something about monster bandaids which…if they don’t have at Target she insists I try Wal-mart, and “then and only then try the grocery store”.

Just imagine: A roll of packing tape hanging on the table, an empty soda can, gunky scissors because I can’t find my good ones, an open container of mini-brads, tons of scrapbook paper scattered on the table, myself attempting to scrap standing up while listening to They Might Be Giants, and a fly. Yeah.

I’m still picking up from the disaster, don’t think I’ll ever find all the brads, and my skin is stinging from where I ripped off the tape. Really not looking forward to cleaning up the squashed fly between the table and tape.

I’d really like to know why every made such a huge deal about a root canal. They numbed me, gave me a shot, did the cleaning, drilling all that jazz (with this green “raincoat for the tooth” thingy), and that was it. A couple of ibu when I made it home and that has been the extent of the ordeal. I’ve experienced more pain and discomfort from biting my lip for goodness sake. I must say this temporary filling does feel a tad odd, with a texture reminiscent of a “cement mixer” shot.

But at least I had plenty of sleep Friday night, so much that I woke up at midnight and talked online until 5:30AM. Oy. Messed up my schedule but I’m back on track I believe. The place is looking a tad better, as I’ve been tackling this desk of mine (need to actually use it now that I’m studying again), and my table in hopes Sarah is well enough to come over for a gabfest and scrapbooking session.

I’ve been listening to the Smash Mouth album, Astro Lounge, and I can’t believe I had forgotten how their music is so full of energy. Completely brings back memories of working for CfC in Seattle, plugging away at my Filemaker databases until 11PM, this album oozing through my headphones. Ah, the good ole manic days.

Quite an uneventful weekend for me, which is a nice change. John has kept me posted on Ash who seems to have some viral bug and that recurring ear infection. I manage with her in Texas because it’s what I have to do, but when I know she’s in the hospital, sitting with her Daddy and she’s saying “I want my mommy”…it’s hard. I can’t do a damn thing over here but reassure her over the phone.

We’re both so excited for my trip to Texas but the trip home is going to suck. I just want to bring her back home, dammit. But I can’t, and so I wandered stores yesterday, looking for some clothes to bring her as a surprise (she’s a tomboy and princess wrapped up in one package). Today, I’ll work on a little gift album, a little something she can take with her to school or wherever. I do what I can, and we talk multiple times a day, but I can’t help but feel it’s never enough.

Off to file papers to “Stoned” and ignore the funny looks I’m getting for dancing like an idiot. Perhaps I’ll even get in a walk this weekend, soak up the warmth for the second day in a row.

I don’t know everything, I don’t claim to and if “I know nutting” about a topic I don’t pretend. Additional, I am also not one to say or do things just to please or shut someone up.

Needless to say, I find it extremely difficult to talk with someone who converses as if they’re the number one resource for everything or subjects in which they know little of. It can be quite humorous once I’ve moved pass the annoyance but still, it really lowers the credibility of the other person.

I could discuss design, scrapbooking, property management, sex, or acting stupid for hours as I excell at them. But say, sailing or cars, I haven’t a clue. Sailing, about all I know is there’s a boat, sails and water and it’s not that I’m not interested, it’s that I just don’t know. Cars, well, y’all know my experience with those, and while I can spot a funky transmission, that’s the extent of my automobile experience. I have no existing knowledge of these things, so why even bother pretending?

Sigh. On to placating. John knows all too well how much I dislike that bit. Even my three-year old can see through it! (”daddy’s just saying that because he’s watching Yankees and so I won’t cry”) It’s bullshit, wastes everyone’s time and attempting to appease only prolongs the inevitable.

Both of these issues or pieves or whatever you wish to label them pretty much relate to being real. Everyone knows it’s tough to keep up an image, to continue portraying what we think others wish to see. I used to do that. I spent too much time and energy in being someone besides myself. Screw trying to hide I’m a headcase, that I’m a horny lil’ creative freak who sometimes just likes to be by myself.

But the world thrives on steryotypes and assumptions and so many continue to base their reactions on what they expect others to do or be. Let others worry about what they do. Take a second to listen to what someone is saying before composing your reply in your mind. Really, say what you mean. If you’re upset with someone, tell them. If you’re happy, don’t hide it, and if you don’t know something, for goodness sake, please, just keep your mouth shut.

I don’t just come on here and bitch and whine without taking actions. Those close to me are all too aware of my inability to keep my thoughts to myself nor sit on my ass. I spoke with someone who had me wanting to crawl up a wall earlier, but when I called her on her so-called knowledge she laughed and fessed up. And now it’s a joke between us.

Perhaps I’ve been reflecting on things a bit too much lately but I sure feel better once I write of it all. Instead of letting the irritations and frustrations fester and take over my mind I get it out, and deal with the next aspect of life. I am aware not everyone approaches life in the same way nor agrees with what I say but I’m only concerned with mine. Selfish, I suppose, but oh well. We come out screaming for attention, might as well enjoy it while we’re here.

(kudos and bonus points to the person who knows what the title is referencing)

My first mp3 offering and it’s about a male appendage. Enjoy! And good luck getting it outta your head. I spent my morning class with it on repeat in my mind and a goofy grin on my face. Nothing like making them wonder. (right click and save perty please) And if you can’t tell by the name of the song, NOT WORK SAFE.

Da Vinci’s Notebook - Enormous Penis

Come on now, did you actually think I’d go to bed early like I planned? Sheesh, that never happens. I really was trying to. Then I realized I had laundry, and then someone replied on myspace and um, well, we were up on Yahoo gabbin’ all night about some of the oddest things.

It was interesting, discussing our high school but from the different years we attended, the orchestra instructor, all that fun stuff. Nice to see someone else who didn’t attend his reunion as well.

Anyhow, I crashed just about 3AM after hours of one-upping on the mp3 playlist. Ya know, the guilty pleasures we all hide in our music collection. My side aches from laughing so hard and I was in a daze during class, but definitely doing much better now that I’m at work.

For someone who isn’t a people person…I sure love some people. When I can just let go, be the nutjob that I am and I haven’t scared someone off, I am thrilled.

I’m not exactly sure why I get nervous but as everyone who knows me or even pretends to understand me probably already knows the appointment went just fine today. So my mind wigs out on me some. Eh.

Today was an exceptionally long day and not because I had so much to do. I started at the office around 7:30AM and by 9:30AM it felt like lunch time already. A little groggy, I made it to the appointment and then back to the office to work from 2:30-5PM…and on to class. I don’t believe I’ve found so many excuses to get up and walk, go upstairs and talk to tenants, check the mail, talk to my boss, all which aren’t really part of my job (save for the boss talkin’ bit).

Class wasn’t too bad though I managed to pick a seat next to an extremely negative woman. I usually sit in the front row, forcing me to say awake and alert and so I’m actually able to read the scrawl on the white board. It usually benefits me to sit up there as the instructors are aware of me and notice I’m paying attention (for the most part). Additionally, most obnoxious and annoying students gravitate to the back rows and I save myself the irritants. Earlier tonight I sat in the back on a whim, thinking hey, for once I’ll do something different. After two hours of listening to this woman gripe about the teacher, how tough she is, how oh god awful the writing exercise was and so on. So much for doing something different as I’m sitting in that front row next week.

I enjoyed the writing exercise, though it’s tough to write a page in ten minutes, and I just adore the instructor. She’s cute and spunky, does this lil’ crinkle thing with her nose when she’s trying to keep her glasses up and she’s full of attitude. I love it! She’ll be tough, busting our asses but I need that! I need a teacher with no exceptions, no way for me to squeeze an excuse in there for slacking off. Six papers, I can do this. Just write, right? (yes, I know, I’ll be bitching about the papers later, shush.)

A record time, I’m aware, but I’m heading to bed. After browsing my high school alumni online, finding an old friend and meeting someone I recognized, I’m off to slumberland. Well, and hopefully some couch pleasantries.

I received my U of W medical records in the mail yesterday and spent some time perusing them. It was extremely interesting to see my thoughts from only five years ago and there were many I was shocked to read. I didn’t remember the depression at all, but hypomania was still so vivid. So much so alive but just as much absent from my mind, it’s obvious how true it is that perception is not always reality.

I have an intake appointment this afternoon and I am nervous and anxious. The questions make my skin crawl and I cringe when I can’t remember dates nor specific medications of prior years. I am tired of describing the past, my idiocy, the repeated difficulties with work. Just when I think I can’t say anymore my inability to shut up kicks in gear and I ramble into sarcasm and poor attempts of self-depricating humor.

I am aware the pdocs and tdocs are only doing their jobs and I’m another patient in another busy day, but to me each visit, each pill is just one more ingredient to a moment of stability. Which, for some reason, scares me, though I strive for it every day. So I listen, answer and blather what I can and place trust with a stranger. I suppose everyone is a stranger at some point until you say hello and introduce yourselves. As with everything, you must start from somewhere.

I would like to sit along the beach at night, toes cooling in the sand, arms around my knees. To smell and taste the salty air, feel the cool wind and water spritz against my skin. Calming, my last moment I had with the ocean was, so brief but a rare connection and release I haven’t felt since.