I may have periodic typos and swear like a fucking drunk ass sailor that hasn’t had pussy in months, but at least I know how to capitalize a fucking word when it should be. JEEZE!

Ever been to a site that just annoyed you soooo much because someone couldn’t take the split second to hit the damn shift key? I have, was just there and I had to scream I was so damn frustrated. My grammar isn’t alway tip top and up to Andy Barker’s standards but you can bet my missplaced-Norwegian-in-Calfiornia white ass that I do my best to have my sentence structure and paragraphs make sense. Sure, the run on sentences exist, as do the drunken posts lackin in sense. It happens. But how someone could be proud of creating something with such disregard for how a language is written I have no idea.

Such a display screams ignorance, yet it’s most likely someone thinking they’re cute and “different”. Yeah, different, but so different they stand out to me as of little class. Showcasing such idiocy on a “business” site only screams unprofessional and will not have me as a customer.

I’m taking a break here at work and I have this calm feeling I’m not used to experiencing.

Sunny skies outside my office window will do that, and I am forever grateful I am the one with the view, even if it is of parked cars and a Del Taco.

Forty-eight hours and I’ll be on my way to Austin with Ashleigh. A couple days there and then three months without her. I’m not sure how I’ll manage, really. I’m aware I’ll miss her, but I am quite sure the overwhelming ability to get work done at home without explaining everything to Ash will be releaving in a sense.

Yet I’ll miss our conversations. She’s three and a half and I know some people would look negatively at our tv choices, but they instigate the most amazing dialogues with Ash. When we see ambulances or police officers and their vehicles she comments on how they’re helping people, protecting, taking care of sick or injured ones. She is fascinated with everything she watches and asks me questions and more questions and even more questions when I answer the other ones. It is frustrating and tiresome at times, but I am happy knowing she is constantly learning whether she likes to or not. Ash is not pacified with simple answers and actually seeks more complex ones. It’s as if she KNOWS there’s more to it all. And I like that, even when I just want her to be quite so I can think.

So, I suppose I will miss our daily conversations, but at least I know she’ll have them with John. She’s a lover of talking and I know she picked it up because John and I have a fascination with words ourselves. I imagine the day care she starts in next Monday will be very different for her and take some time to get used to, but much needed.

Add a new battery and blown fuse to my list of things I’ve had to do to my car but really can’t afford. I really, really, really hope this settlement regarding the accident brings me a decent amount of money so I can get out of this hole due to my car being squashed.

There are some decent people out there, though, and I met a couple of them last night. My battery was shot and I had to go get Ash and make it home somehow. Typical Alicia happenings. The couple in the suite next to my office helped me out and the wife drove me to get Ash and then home. Unbelievable. So unexpected it took me a minute to shake the “what the hell am I going to do now” panic. Sarah and Steve took me to get a battery and he installed it, so we’re good to go…for now. I have a feeling when I go to Texas this weekend a leave my car at the airport I’m going to come back to some small parts left, at the rate I’m going.

Don’t lie to me. Don’t get all wishy washy and do everything possible to NOT answer my question. Don’t promise you’re going to do something and then NOT DO IT. Believe me, I am the last customer you want to piss off.

I am furious. I need to throw something!

Oh yeah. Don’t fucking ignore me.

Ya know what sucks? What really beats the pride to a pulp?

When I defend a decision of mine to the ground, why I’m upset over something and I get others to realize that…and then things change and I start contemplating doing something I was originally set against.

I hate to think people consider me flaky, but I’m also not going to base my choices on what how others perceive me.

Anyhow, a lot of things are up in the air, being tossed around regarding work, relocating, school, and just about anything. Really makes it difficult to concentrate on other items such as the all important job.

I’m a strong believer in karma as well as taking responsibility for your actions. Raised in a household of religious beliefs that blamed an ominous evil being for the wrong in the world, I never understood why people couldn’t just admit and deal with their own actions. It also didn’t bode well with me that when something good and positive happened in my life it wasn’t because of my hard work and effort, it was because another being had allowed or deemed it so. I’ve fucked up many times, especially the first five years out on my own, but I dealt with the consequences, did my best to make it through and hopefully improve my situation as I went.

People annoy me, and many times I arrive at the conclusion when confronted with the idiots of the world that I hate people in general. It’s not quite true, but I don’t deal with people well, don’t like the egocentric attitudes displayed within a majority of this species (not just men, I think there are more female egos which exist). And I am much more content when I make it through a day without experiencing the idiocy of the world.

So here I am, somehow still surviving after the whole accident bit, already missing atrocious amount of money due to getting myself back to some form of normalcy as I had before the accident. I’m attempting this single mother thing (until Ash visits her dad for three months…soon, soon), and still recovering from a move I had two weeks to prepare for.

But I woke up this morning, took my shower, got online, sent a quote to potential new design client, woke up Ash, got her ready and continued with the rest of my day until now. Tonight, I’ll finish up one web project, start my June kit for Cashew Style, start working on some mock ups for a new client, and all that after spending some time with Ash, making dinner, eating at our big ass table I don’t ever want to part with, and helping her call her daddy a minimum of five times. Somewhere in there before I go to bed I’ll get in my dumbell reps and squats and I might even get a few hours sleep.

Yet I do it each day, varying of some sorts, but the level of “things to do” stays the same. I stopped apologizing to people for not calling or emailing because I’m not sorry for what I’m doing. I’m surviving, I’m doing every damn thing I can to keep life on kicking and give Ash the knowledge that I love her and would do anything for her. It’s called sacrifice and many mothers and fathers do it every day. I may complain here and there, comment on how tired I am, crack a joke about Ashleigh’s inability to shut up, but it’s life. Even if I didn’t create every little step that added up to this particular moment of my life, I can’t exactly go back and change anything either. I do struggle with the lack of control in my life. It is one thing to suffer from stupid mistakes on my part, but to have my life in chaos due to actions of other people, is different and at times I have a difficult time grasping. Most of the time it’s a huge pit of anger that resides in me and working it out can be quite mentally exhausting.

I’ve kind of lost my focus some, but it really is all about being responsible. I hear and read so many people, bitching and moaning, splashing around in their murky puddle of misery and “poor me” and I am so very tired of it. Yah, shit seems to happen to me, but as John always said (and irritates me ’cause he’s usually right), I get through it, things work out. But the thing is…it all doesn’t work out unless I do something to help it along. Sitting around, blaming someone else for my problems or ignoring the stupid mistakes I’ve made will get me nowhere.

We could change the future with every move we make
We create tomorrow with every breath we take
Every choice is a domino. Each one effects the rest
Work through one decision, fall upon the next
In this dance of the blind, each person plays their part while reeling through the dark
-Domino, The Bradbury Press

As much as I write and share within this domain, I still have my secrets. The pieces of my life that NO ONE knows about, the feelings I’ve never shared.

Visit Post Secret and you’ll realize that everyone has a secret. Thanks, Johnny for sharing the link. I read for a couple hours, amazed at how much emotion a simple postcard can express.

I have a feeling I’ll be mailing off a postcard in the near future.

I hadn’t mentioned yet, but I applied and was approved to sell my Cashew Style kits and products with Scrapbook-Elements. They’re the number one location to shop for digital elements and kits and I felt it was a good step in getting my name out in the digital scrapbooking world. I have limited time to spend out in the forums and making myself known in obnoxious ways, but I needed to do something. Sales are coming in on my own site at Cashew Style, but not as much as I would like.

In addition to the amazing customer service and attention SBE provides their customers, they also send out a monthly newsletter. Within the newsletter are various donations from a number of designers, free to the customers. Last night, Bree and I did the last minute thing and put together our freebies we’re offering. They’re not required by each designer, but as new designers for the store I feel these will really help us stand out and hopefully get the customers to at least look at our kits.

I’ve included the preview for my very mini pack, “It’s a guy thing”, an idea I went with on a whim when discovering the theme was Father’s Day, or Masculine. I really wanted to include Boobs or Hooters in the word paper but I refrained so as not to offend anyone.

I also have a couple things coming up with Cashew Style in the near future. One, Cashew Style will be sponsoring the digital team at Scrapbookers Anonymous for the month of June. I’ve always been a fan of Sherry, her design and scrapbooking skills and was happy to help out.

Additionally, Cashew Style will be a Featured Product in the Scrapbook Bytes newsletter for the month of August. The number one forum and gallery for digi scrappers, this should help my sales immensely and I look forward to seeing what their design team creates with my kits.

I wish I could get by with word and mouth only, but such is not the case. While I do have a great group of fans who return for my items each month, the digital scrapbooking world is very competitive. Add in that new “designers” are popping up each day, regardless of their quality, people are surrounded by so many names, styles, and products and it’s overwhelming. I take this seriously as a business, not a hobby, and I hope this attitude will get me where I’d like to be.

I think I’m allergic to the idea of quitting, the way I react, my body shivering at the thought. Design is in my bones, whether it’s on the web, a scrapbook layout, or my digital products. I love color, texture and expressing myself through these. When I switched my major from design and marketing to anthropology I did it because I love anthropology, but more as a form of preservation. I know creativity doesn’t not exist within me at all times; it comes and goes with my mania and depression. To ignore this fact would be painful down the road and create complications, so I went with my new love and obsession. At times I consider returning to design as my major but a part of me twitches as the thought. I work with Cashew Style because I love it and I continue with it even during the rough and doubting times because I know it’s a passion I need to feed. T

Today I start working with a client on her website, and following that I will be starting another online project. I will be paid, but I am only doing it because I want to, because a rush flows through me and I am excited at such a thought. And I know this desire won’t last long, so I’m going with it, utilzing what I can. I’m sure I will curse the lack of creativity in a few months, but until, I survive and create with what I can.

I’m aware I’m a little late in the day, but I wanted to send out a quick note to all mothers…Happy Mothers Day. And to all the Dads which take on the roll, the wishes extend to you.

Here’s to surviving another year to enjoy the endearing and wonderful moments. Such as the conversation Ash and I had just a few minutes ago.

“Mom, did you hear me fart? Say ‘nice fart, Ashleigh’”.

“Nice fart, Ashleigh”

“Thank you mom, it was a good one.”

“Goodnight, Ashleigh”

“G’night mom.”

Ten seconds and a giggle later…

“I farted again.”

I’ve become aware of my larger audience of digital scrapbookers so I’ll share my most recent layout and Nifty Kit. Spring Sorbet was a bit of a stretch for me, still bright and bold but soft at the same time, if that makese any sense. I am quite proud of the two buttons as I wouldn’t quit until they looked “just right”. It’s the simple things that make me happy.

And another layout using a photo that has me dreading Ashleigh’s teenage years. She does NOT look the three years that she is.

I’m aware this is happening in Kansas, nowhere near where I live, but I’m still pissed when I read the article.

I can’t seem to organize my thoughts right now but I can’t leave without wondering. They’re trying to “push through new science standards this summer requiring that Darwin’s theory be challenged in the classroom”. Isn’t everything supposed to be challenged and considered when in a classroom? I can’t tell you how many times Ozilins encouraged us to go read more on the classroom topics, to ask questions…to make up our own mind about things. When studying anthropology you quickly learn that many interpret things differently.

Maybe I’m so frustrated with this because it reminds me of my childhood, JW literature and “doctrine” forced upon me. The hypocritcal suggestion that everyone was encouraged to question things was followed by strict discipline if one actually considered such things.

It’s bullshit. Pisses me off when people think they know what is best for me and think they can tell me what I can think.

I find it extremely frustrating that I asked Ashleigh at least five times since Saturday if her ear hurt and she said no, nothing, nadda. Well, in three-year-old terms, which for Ash is “I told you, my ear doesn’t hurt”, as she took her own temperature for the tenth time in two hours.

I’m sure all parents out there can tell what’s coming…Ashleigh has her first ear infection, her first Amoxicilan prescription. It is obvious she is a rare case, making it to over three years before experiencing an ear infection. I was plagued with them growing up and still get at least one a year. The damn wind hurts my ears, but I am very grateful she hasn’t had to experience this often. Of course, soon as the doctor asked her if her ears hurt she nodded her head and said they did. Nice. Way to make momma look like the clueless mom.

If I were one of those people that always found something good about all the crappy aspects of life I’d say there was one positive moment among the sleepless nights of a whiny mother of a sick child. As Ashleigh slept, it was either restless with the blanket kicked off, so peaceful I had to watch her stomach for movement to ease my “will she just move already” paranoia, or listening to her burst out in song in her sleep. If you want cute, she had cuteness down pat, belting out “hit me with your best shoooot……fly a-waaaaay”, cuddled into the couch cushions.

I have yet to figure out why she continues to sing this song, in the car, in the bath, and in her sleep. And yes, I know, it’s “fire away” but the last time I tried correcting Ashleigh on the lyrics she scowled and said “no, hit me and FLY away, not fire, FLY. I like this music, mom”…..and walked away “flyyyyy awaaaaaay”. Is it any wonder I forget she is three at times?