We’ve been talking about class reunions at work, seeing as how my class of 1995 is planning one for August this year. Of course, I’m the youngin’ in the office, even at 28, and the others have a look on their faces as if they’re thinking “oh, just wait until the 20 year reunion”. I’m still not sure if I’ll make it to Seattle for the reunion, but I may try. I know I’m not as successful as many others, but I am finally beginning to figure out where I’m going in life.

Packing up some things last night I came across my purple box of miscellaneous pictures that have never made it to any form of organization nor a scrapbook just yet. Flipping through I saw pictures of a few exes and plenty of high school shots. I couldn’t help but laugh at the ones of Darren, good ole Darren. Damn, crazy guy, awesome voice, and one of the most real people I’ve ever known. I remember him with so much passion…and the ability to just not give a fuck what other people thought about him. Or at least that’s how he portrayed himself and I imagine that’s just how it was.

I went looking via Google for Darren, and expecting the usual search results for people know, typically nothing of any use, I found him. And not only is he doing something with that awesome musical talent of his…he’s a lead singer and guitar player in an amazing band. Take a listen: The Bradbury Press. His voice is just as good as I remembered it and I’ve found me a new favorite band. Looks like I’ll also be searching for a friend to hit some of his SoCal performances as well.

Ya know, I still have that cassette of his songs he made for me in high school at the school’s studio. All my moves (I think I’m on 13 now), and it still manages to survive without a case, from drawer to desk, to drawer, and now some box, already at the new place.

I can’t even begin to explain the feeling right now…listening to this music brings back so many memories, the good times. Innocent isn’t quite the word…more…not so jaded?

I can’t believe I started this blog thing over five years ago. Amazing. I’ve been so busy I nearly forgot but it does help my blog anniversary is close to my birthday. Hmm. Not that anyone notices this is still around, but I’m not the type to give up. So, even during the lengthy lulls I remain.

Looks like I’m getting the break I’ve needed for some time. At least in most areas of my life. No class this next week, Ash is at her Grandparents’, and hey, for a bonus, my boss is out of town for a couple weeks (not that he’s one to complain about or anything).

Of course, I have things to do, need to put the finishing touches on my Mixed Nuts CD for Cashew Style, need to clean, pack my place up, move next weekend, oh, yeah, and find money to pick up my car that’s being worked on. But…for some reason I’ve gone passed the hyperventilating panic attacks and into the “it’ll work out” mindset I’m so very not used to. It’s like yesterday at the office - the painters had put plastic over the windows so they could spray paint the building. I was fine, didn’t experience any claustrophic feelings…as long as I wasn’t looking out the window. So, I’ll do what needs to be done, and try to ignore the gargantuous bulge of doom hanging over my head. Yeah. Easy.

“I live this life until this life won’t let me live here anymore”
-Big & Rich

I’m doing okay! Really! I know I seem so blah and down and going crazy lately…but I’m just so damn busy and trying to deal with all this crap. Somehow, I’m still pluggin’ away, I still manage to smile and laugh, and cuddle and snuggle with my girl at night. It’s just tough and I can’t lie about it, but at least I’m alive…and as always, it could be worse (so I’m told).

So much for enjoying my birthday today. I’ve a midterm tonight I’m not prepared for and not even sure if I’ll make it.

And my new addition isn’t so wonderful as it needs a new transmission which costs $1500 which I don’t have. So, I’m without a car, supposed to be moving this weekend and really just trying to make it through each anxiety attack as it goes.

Ash is being picked up by John’s parents on Friday, thankfully, so hopefully she won’t have to experience anymore of this crazy mom and when she returns maybe there’ll be some sort of normalcy. Doubt it but I can hope.

I’ll be able to keep my job while she’s gone, since I’ll at least have a ride to work (no way to drop her off at her sitter’s when she’s here otherwise). Not sure about when I’ll get to pick up my stupid car, but guess I’ll deal with that when it happens.

Can’t really function well these days and it’s killing me Ash can tell I’m upset. I’m trying to hide it up but she’s more perceptive than I’d like and I can only do so much.

I’m going back to bed for another hour seeing as how I can’t even concentrate on my English Homework. So much for doing well in this class.

Ah, but of course you know the new addition is a CAR. After nearly dying (only a slight exaggeration), I snagged another car. I swear, that bitch that hit me in December better receive all the karma that’s due her because that’s the only thing that kept me going yesterday. When I should’ve been laying in bed, sleeping my fever and nasty ass cold away, I was sitting in the cold rain for five hours going through complete sensory overload.

Thank goodness for my friend Sarah, suffering along with me. We nearly gave up, and were already walking towards the exit when the car I’d been eyeing came around the corner. Sheesh. If only that’d been the end of it all, but then there was the long wait to pay and get registration, dancing around with full badders and our cooters ready to fall off. Oh, and the drive home when I felt like I was going to die, my eyes watering, burning, throat closing, stomach churning. Turned out I had a fever of 101 when I finally made it home. Nice. Now if I could just find a way to get back to Fontana by Tuesday at 4:30pm to pick up my car I’ll be happy. Not enough complications in my life, I swear.

I’ll have a picture later this week, but it’s a 1993 Mazda Protege in pretty good condition. Of course, I’ll never truly know until I go to drive it off the lot but here’s hoping my money went to a decent cart. The funny tidbit…it’s charcoal grey, the SAME color as my last Mazda. Aaaah, I think this new one is named Junior.

I actually enjoyed the first day of Ashleigh being sick, only because she wasn’t talking to me non-stop. Now, of course, I feel awful, as she’s been sick with this nasty somethingorother and barely getting any better. At least she finally ate at this morning! I was getting worried but really wanted to hold off going to the doctors. Not because I can’t afford one (which I can’t) but because she’s made it this far in life without being fed antibiotics and I really didn’t want to start just yet.

I scrapped again yesterday, hanging out at my kitchen table with Sarah, making a mess. It’s so neat to see her getting into it and it feels so good to get back into the flow. I’ve needed this break from my routine of chaos and I really hope it continues.

The idea of finding a roommate or moving isn’t exactly an appealing though but it seems to creep in whenever I’m not busying myself with tasks. I spent a couple hours rearranging my room today and kept wondering if it was all for nothing, that next month I’d be packing it all up to move. I really hate the unknown.

I can’t seem to speak to John on the phone without feeling such a great amount of anger. Yes, we push each other but it’s not like I had any say in my current situation, left to find a roomie or non-ghetto apartment. Why shouldn’t I be angry? I’m not going to only sit and whine about it - I’ll do what I can, I always do, but ignoring the obvious load of crappiness in front of me is impossible.

I’m frustrated, and my frustration combined with myopic decision making is what lead to this overwhelming anger. No amount of pills could chemically ease it from my system…it’s there and I need to figure out what to do with it. I suppose I should direct it somewhere else, light some hot coals on my heals regarding school or Cashew Style. Possibly.

Completely sidestepping here, as I purposely change the subject, my $1,400 for my car is on the way. It’s time to hunt for a “new” car and start preparing for the widthrawals from the Impala. Ooooh, I will miss this rental car. I haven’t a clue what I’ll find, but I’ll have to find something.

One day I’ll get to lay in bed and let it go; no worrying, stressing, second guessing. Of course I imagine as if it’s a actually possible.

I finished a digital scrapbook layout tonight, the first one in months. I think the last one I did was in October? Oy. I believe it’s been even longer since I paper scrapped. Hopefully that’ll change soon as I received some awesome papers from my secret sister a couple weeks ago and they’re calling me.

Here’s my latest attempt at using one of my own kits, Mother Nature. >>Please mom, can we go to the park?

It’s weird, I can make these things but when it comes to use them I tend to freeze up. I think I’m one of the few, if not only, digital designers out there who isn’t regularly digi-scrapping at the same time. Leave it to me to be different.

Well, and Ash. But no more John. Finally, he left for his flight to Texas and it’s no more butting heads, pushing each other’s buttons, no more frustration from dealing someone more stubborn than myself. And most important, no more feeling like everything is just in my head, all in my head because all he knows is words of denial. Fucker.

My god, why the hell did I put up with these last few years? I did my best to keep our nastiness from exploding onto here and I think I did a good job, but man on man, he will NOT be missed by me.

You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can’t take it
Again and again and again and again

Since you’ve been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Thanks to you
Now I get
I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
Since you’ve been gone
-Kelly Clarkson
(”Since You’ve Been Gone”)