I really can’t do this on my own anymore. Not the taking care of Ash bit, that I can do, but the me, brain san medication. Can not do it. Anymore.

If the Kaiser information would just get here so I could pay my first month and get in to a doctor. I feel like I’m ready to explode…and I’m hovering between low and low enough to feel like giving up. Not good. I can handle mania, but depression is a different thing. At least with mania I get something accomplished, even if their are consequences. This depression…it’s creeping and I am so damn tired. Even when I’ve had sleep, even when I could function in the same situation before. Now, I just think about what I have to do and I’m exhausted.

My new roommate hasn’t been picked yet (still waiting on the two to decide between) and I’m nervous. I couldn’t live with John, he drove me nuts, but I’m afraid I’m one of those that other people just can’t live with either. I hope not, ’cause I’m really not ready to move just yet. I’d love to stay in one place for more than a year…

And so the arthritis begins…and hopefully will end relatively soon.

What the hell is up with this weather in Cali? My hands were so bad this morning I had to pull over because I couldn’t hold the wheel! Where’s the sun I love so dearly?!

Woo hoo! Finally, my new shopping cart is up and ready and working! Yes! I’ve been trying different ways of selling my digital kits and supplies for Cashew Style and until I purchased Sun Shop (thanks Candi), I wasn’t getting anywhere. That free open-source Zen-Cart SUCKS ass and I just didn’t have the time to deal with the wonkiness.

Now, when someone purchases a kit, they pay, and wah lah! Files are available for download RIGHT THEN. Jeeze, I love it. Loveitloveitloveit!

This is perfect, especially with my new Trinket Tint sets, as that would’ve been a major pain in the tush to fill orders for manually.

So, now when I come home from work I can dig into my homework instead of spending an hour filling orders. Very nice.

Today…was a good day. (and yes, good boob day has stretched into days)

John is moving to Texas. While we’re not a couple anymore, he has been living in the other room here, and therefore paying partial rent.

I’m trying not to panic but my head is feeling a bit wobbly already. Time to find a new roomie or a new place to live…by March. This should be fun.

I can’t stop looking at my boobs. I’m not sure what it is, but I keep looking at them, and if I wasn’t at work, I’d be feeling them up.

Maybe it’s the new bra, but all I know is I am feeling sexy, tingly, and if I was alone with someone right now there’d be some trouble happening.

I’m aware it’s a positive thing, this knowledge of my bipolar disorder, but I struggle at the same time. Maybe it’s the idea that I wish I could just do what I feel or want to do and not consider the consequences, similar to when I’m experiencing mania or depression. Yet today, I have fought back tears a few times, lost once, and composed a mental list of pros and cons to just going home and sleeping, crying the night away. Oh, the days of creating havoc within my days and life and not realizing nor experiencing the sour repercussions until days, even weeks later. Nevermind the paper on Natural Selection due tomorrow, the math class I need to attend even though I dread the condescending “teacher”, my daughter who needs the few moments of play time I can give her after work, the CD I’m working on for Cashew Style, or the simple fact that it’s not sleep I need.

It’s something I have a feeling I’ll never experience in the future. Stability. A restful mind. Other than the Webster’s definition, I wouldn’t recognize the concepts.

Today, I wish I could let myself stop, give up on something, but I just don’t seem to have that ability. Not yet.

I think my browser will stay open long enough to type this…retarded computer issues since I upgraded my RAM and installed an internal DVD-R drive. Oy.

I’m alive, though busy. As if that wasn’t too difficult to realize with the lack of entries around here. The odd thing? I’m having awesome Moxie Girl, Christina work on a new design for Panacea (as well as the whole Niftyfingers domain). You’d think I’d be perking up around here! Eh, ’tis the busy life runeth over. Work, school, homework (if I can), chiropractor appointment, work, school…and so on and so forth. Somewhere in there I design my kits for Cashew Style and right now working on the new shopping cart in hopes of lessening the actual workload of mine. Hah.

So, school. School is…difficult. Wednesdays are the toughest as I leave for work at 7am and never make it home until 9:30, after my last class. Long ass day. But the class on Wednesday isn’t too bad, English 101 (yeah, I know…put this one off long enough), the teacher is pretty entertaining, and somehow I’m not frightened by the first paper alright being asigned for this next week.

Anthropology is time consuming, though I may ask my teacher to knock my articles down form four to three. I’m reading his bi-weekly picks from “Conceptual Issues in Modern Human Origins Research” and wow, I’ve had to go back and look some things up as my recollection is not as well as I thought it’d be.

Math, on the other hand, is well, dreaded as always, but more so considering the teacher is obviously not happy teaching the class for whatever reasons. I walked out of class this last Thursday because if his attitude towards some students who where asking questions. After supposedly explaining a problem, he walked back to the front board and said “it’s not that hard”. My blood rushed, I felt like I was going to explode…and I just had to walk out. Couldn’t open my mouth for fear of saying something which would end me in trouble…with someone.

How can he say such a thing?! He’s a teacher, he’s there to TEACH of all things, not JUDGE me or any of the other students. He’s SUPPOSED to answer questions, not make comments all through class. I can’t even count how many times he kept saying “you won’t learn this if you don’t do your homework”. Well, what about people like me and apparently many others, who, even after doing are homework, are completely CLUELESS? Gah, I was so furious it took me hours to calm down at home. Stupid prick feels he can decide if something is hard or not. Hah, I doubt he’s aware of anything particularly hard. Pfffhht.

I got it! Finally, a red stapler of my own.