Emotions suck. Feelings have a way of taking simple things, conversations, laughter, events, and creating meanings of their own.

And now I know why I don’t like to clean my desk. I find things. Things such as my plaid sheet of paper, torn out with frustration, with a few lines scrawled with red Pilot Precise pen (I have bought a 12-pack in 11th grade and will NOT write a poem or serious reflections without one).

I have this way
of laughing at
words on the screen
and animated illustrations
as if I could understand
the language I don’t
see.
-self, unfinished, written sometime in October

Now I know why I need to stay busy, to work, attend class, study subjects that force my brain to occupy itself with other things besides thoughts. Thoughts of another.

And I must stop. Unanswered questions have a way with squeezing my heart, kicking my ego and sending my thoughts running in circles.

How is it possible for one human being to have so much affect on another?

I started work Monday, made it through three full days and am so very thankful I have today off. Lordy, I’m tired. It wouldn’t be so tough on me if I wasn’t going to class afterwords, and then on Tuesday I had a math exam at 5:30 on top of that. December 15th, my last final and I am DONE. Woo hoo! A month off from the craziness of school, only to start back up again. But at least I’m working. I’m so happy to be working.

Well, I’m not heading to Thanksgiving at John’s brother’s but I don’t feel bad at all. Like I need to be dealing with other people right now. I just want to stay in my comfy bed all day! But, alas, I’ll probably actually DO something. Maybe scrap or get ahead on my art homework. Who knows. Don’t care. It’s a good feeling, just enjoying time by myself for once.

I had a hard time sleeping last night but for once it wasn’t because I was uncomfortable. The extremely loud thunder kept waking me up, and it was so loud it scared the crap out of me a few times. And the rain…started falling before I fell asleep but wow, I never expected that much last night. Nor the phone call before 8AM, either. But it’s forgiving as the reasonf or the call? Snow. Yeah. Snow. Outside, in Southern California…Inland Empire. It was 70 a couple days ago Wow.

I took some pictures for proof but it looks like the rain is washing it away now (just like the first snow in Seattle). I’m told just a few minutes away in Murrieta they have three inches. Crazy!

Ah, okay, enough of this crap I’m getting back in bed. Way too cold here. I’m

Earlier today John told his brother that Ash and him would be coming to Thanksgiving dinner and that I hadn’t decided yet. Since he was on his cell phone I heard him pause and after John said something along the lines of it’s a little uncomfortable, his brother then said he understood.

I can see why his brother and his family would expect I’d just go along to the dinner, especially since I literally have NO family down here besides Ashleigh. The thing is, John and I are no longer “together”, and “us”…the whatever we never figured out all these years. Isn’t it completely normal that I’m uncomfortable with showing up at the family dinner? The whole family knows we’re now “Ashleigh’s parents” and no longer a couple (that took a whole ten minutes to travel the cell phones). Is it weird that I wouldn’t want to join everyone for Thanksgiving?

Really, the idea of an evening alone, sans child and ex that I can’t seem to get along with now that I don’t have to, is quite a refreshing and pleasant one. I have enough stress throughout my daily life and I can only imagine myself getting agitated and irritable and transforming into grumpy butt. Not all too appealing.

I’m still considering and debating the options, but it looks like I’ve only a few days left. I get along well with John’s brother and his wife (and family) but really, with an expected party of 30+, when will I actually get a chance to talk with anyone without feeling as if my head is spinning. I can only imagine the chatter chatter noise irritating my ears enough and causing them to ring and I’m just sitting there, looking’ all spacey because the room is sounding lopsided. Not quite an asset to any successful gathering.

I have a job!

I start Monday, good ole 8-5 and working in an office. Nothing major, just simple AP/AR stuff thank goodness. I’m not too sure how I’d be jumping into a high end executive position after being out of the scene for three years. Oy.

Now, there’s the whole babysitting/day care issue and I think it’s figured out. Temporarily, that is. I sure as hell won’t be able to survive on my pay but at least I’ll have a few months to hopefully bump it up before I’m forced to test my financial capability.

I am nervous, but most of all, looking forward to a break from Ashleigh. Yeah, yeah, sounds awful a mother is wishing to spend the day away from their kid, but jeez, Ash is killing me lately. We’re doing better but I’d rather pay someone to deal with her crap right now, thank you. Bah. I’m sure I’ll miss her, especially with my classes going on in the evenings, but eh, ’tis life, no?

Aaaaa, finally. A job. I swore I was never going to find one. Woo hoo! No more cover letters!

I know I’m not an anthropologist yet (such high goals I hold in front of me), but I still read and devour everything I can on the subject. More specifically, physical (genetics & evolution), and my favorite read since I began this new mindset and interest is The Loom, written by Carl Zimmer.

Congratulations to Carl Zimmer, as The Loom has just been named a winner of the American Association for the Advancement of Science’s 2004 Science Journalism Award.

It is good to see a simple blog win out among the big guys. For someone who is such a very talented writer to bring this beginning student back each post, well done!

Now, maybe one of these days I’ll get around to buying one of his books I’ve been eyeing for quite some time.

It is so hard to know it’s happening, coming, just itching up on me and know I need to find some control, find a way to fight it off and I try to and I can’t. And then WHAM it’s here and all I can do is clinch my hands against my head and cry and feel myself spinning, my ears ringing and I can’t do anything but ask for help and hide in my room.

I just want some control. Some fucking control of myself when it matters, when my daughter needs me, yet all I can do is run and leave her to John and hope one day she’ll understand. My room is so confining right now but I’m afraid to leave, afraid to go to the gym which I badly want to…I’m afraid I’ll lose it, scream at someone for no reason. I’m tired, exhausted, my head hurts, my ears won’t stop RINGing, my contacts are plastered to my eyes and I’m WIDE awake. My stupid malfunctioning brain won’t stop twitching and racing and just slow the fuck down.

And so now John comes in and tells me Ash is finally asleep and I feel like crap. I’m so fucked up I can’t even say good night to my baby and tuck her in.

I realize I am the one who made the decision to go back to school, but just because it was my choice does NOT mean I have to be quiet about my discomfort. Oh man, I HATE school. I suck at it. Yes, I enjoy anthropology, and I have greatly appreciated and soaked up the mingling of my History (World Civ to 1500), Cultural Anthropology and Art History courses, but jeez my brain HURTS. I suppose I could have continued on my path of Design or just gone on a path of general studies and side stepped all these painful subjects, but then, honestly, what would be the point? If I’m having difficulty making it through class I actually enjoy or WANT to take, then how would I manage in any other? Such as Math. I am only suffering and selling my soul to the algebra evils to make it to Statistics, required for Anthro majors, and even then I’m told I will wish I’d never heard of Statistics.

I honestly believe it would be just as painful and difficult if I did not have Ashleigh yapping at my heals every second I’m trying to study or write. This school thing apparently is NOT my forte. I will take that thought and hopefully in the years from now as I accept a Degree I will appreciate it even more. Or just be glad I’m done with all this self-induced torture.

And so the last six weeks of cramming to get papers, assignments and studying for tests in has begun. I’m trying not to freak out when I think of Math and what is needed in order to receive a grade high enough to continue on to the next torturous class. I can only hope for a sudden balancing of my chemicals and the ability to remember formulas and which ones to use and when returns. Or…shows up, because I don’t think it’s ever been there before.

To the Getty tomorrow, but that’s not so bad. For once I haven’t put all my homework off until Sunday and should manage okay. This of course doesn’t take in consideration the hellion I have spawned that seems to change any form of plans I ever create.

I’d be heading to the gym now if I knew getting home at 2AM was reasonable in some way but I know it’s pointless. The new wake up time around here is 7AM no matter when Ash falls asleep. Ten, eleven, MIDNIGHT…she still wakes up too damn early for this night owl.

I’m heading to The Getty this Saturday and thought I’d post and see if anyone in the SoCal area would like to join me. This is for my art class but I am very interested in the Coming of Age Exhibit. Yeah, the geeky wannabe anthropologist in me can’t resist.

Admission is free but parking is $7. I would love to meet someone there or hook up and drive out together. I will being going either way, but since I don’t have my favorite observer companions, Donilyn or Genevieve, to drag along, I’d rather some company.

This will be the first museum I’ll have visited. Call me culturally inept, but I’ve never the desire in the past. I’m extremely critical and picky when it comes to what I consider art and I am hoping I will be pleasantly surprised this weekend.

Granted, I know the few who read here probably live on the other side of the country but I figured it couldn’t hurt to ask. Just comment if you’re interested or send me an email.

People ask how I’m doing and I say I manage. When I’m stressed out from homework and looking for a job and keeping up with my design work and I’m asked how I do it I just smile and say “I don’t know, but I have to, so I do”.

I know, I have to keep trying but right now, after John reminds me to apply at this one place, I stare at my pile of textbooks to dig through today, I see my self-imposed deadline circled on the calendar for Cashew Style and I just cry. I’m tired, physically, yes, but mentally for the most part. Reminder lists don’t help as I just sit and stare, listening to numbing music and I long for a closet to lock myself in (that Ash can’t pick).

I’m told it gets better, and I’m sure it does but at this current moment the idea of “better” doesn’t seem plausible. I’m exhausted now and I’m not even working the full-time job I need to survive.

I need to get an A on my next too math exams just to get a C to advance into the next class. I doubt that will happen, but once again, I’ll try. My brain shuts down and no matter how many times I read how to do a problem I don’t understand WHY…and so it shuts off. Click. “Failed to load” or some neurotransmitter crap that’s not working anymore.

Believe me, I try to stay in a decent mood. I try to keep in a decent enough state to make it through each day but damn, I’m tired of trying. But hey, gotta try to get somewhere in life right? Suppose so.

I am having a very difficult time enjoying being a mother today. Really fucking hard time. I just cleaned both bathrooms, which I HATE doing with a passion, but since John doesn’t do the one fucking thing he’s agreed to do, I do it. And? Ash destroyed one after I was cleaning the other…and as I went to do laundry she fucked up the second one with wet toilet paper. Dammit. Today is NOT a good day. Today sucks. And now, she needs to nap so I can make a phone call. Otherwise, she’ll never shut up and it’ll be anything but a professional call.

I can’t wait until class tonight. The joy in walking out the door and not having to deal with Ash for just two hours is such a release.

Yes, I’m in a cranky mood. Trying to fight it but not doing too well. It doesn’t help that everywhere I read online it seems people feel the need to judge people and their intelligence based on their voting and it PISSES me off. Fuck off. Get over yourselves. We all have a right to vote, we did it, so just shut up. You know NOTHING about me because of my choices on my ballot, just as I don’t claim to know anything about you based on your choices. It’s a choice. I made it, you made it. Shut up.