I haven’t looked forward to a night out like I am now in…years?

I burned my hand, I cut my face
Heaven knows how long it’s been
Since I’ve felt so out of place
I’m wonderin’ if I’ll fit in

-Learning to Live Again, Garth Brooks

In high school I took a MIDI class with my favorite music teacher, Greg Boehme. An awesome guy, and though he was balding back in third grade when he played “We are the World” on his synthesizer with our music class, he’s a cool guy. Hey, in piano I learned how to play Johny Be Good, and a few other Beetles songs. Anyhow, back to MIDI. Back when I used to drooool over the Roland catalog and dream, dream, dream of my own recording studio, there was a phrase he used to describe certain “tunes” or songs you heard on the radio. You know, the ones where the beat is so…fake…or repetitious (in an annoying way, not in how a beat should be) and the “artist” attempted to pass off a song that accompanied that beat. He used to say “sounds like someone got a band machine for Christmas!” I use that phrase frequently, even if it’s just in my head. It’s amazing how critical I became of music after that class, lol.

Anyhow, so, the handful of readers I have here know of my newest venture with Cashewstyle.com, where I design and sell digital scrapbooking kits and elements. Fun stuff, tell ya. But what I’ve noticed the past month or so is this huge influx of “designers” showing up in the market. I put designers in quotes because in my very honest and don’t give a crap what other people think opinion, they suck. Or some of them suck…at least partially if not completely. And if it’s bad enough, not only do some of their designs look not so hot but their web sites…oh my. They make me want to run screaming into my closet yelling “kill me now!”

It’s obvious the majority of these are jumping on the digital scrapbooking bandwagon and attempting to squeeze as many ounces out of this trend as possible. I don’t blame them, but at the same time I sit back and wonder what the hell they think people are…stupid? I mean, really? Would they actually buy these things? Or am I just a snob of my own sort? I wonder. Even John, the man I no longer hate but still converse with, feels there is something lacking in many I’ve showed him.

I don’t claim to be the best of the digital scrapbook elements designers but my ego has been fondled enough by people of late that I’m confident enough that I’m worth of the storage and bandwidth I pay Candi for. The four hundred plus in sales doesn’t hurt with my argument, either (over months, so not raking it in, but it’s something). I suppose I’m a bit critical of my competition, but then again, I don’t see many of them in that way. There are a few I’m in awe of, but I see them more as peers.

Anyhow, back to my original line of thought that ran away from me in a frenzy. I look at these “designers” and their ghastly customizations of zen-cart and all I can think is “looks like someone got Photoshop for their birthday”.

One more job interview down and who knows how many more to go. I really, really, hate these things, but at least I have a new pair of comfy slacks for the future from my late night shopping run.

There are times when I’m completely nervous at an interview, feel uncomfortable, wish they would just stop asking the situational conversations. That was not the case this morning. There I was, dressed nicely, sitting as a proper woman should (so I’ve been told), smiling, answering questions…and this woman looked like she had no clue. Quickly glancing at my resume, slouching, a lot of pauses and word wiskers and damn, by the time I left I felt more in control of myself than she was of the interview. Maybe it’s a skewed perspective but I definitely wasn’t nervous with that first impression.

The sad thing, I think my one class I attend for two hours on Monday and Wednesday is going to keep me from getting the job. Tis life.

I got an A on my History midterm! WOOOHOOO!!!!

I am so fucking happy I’m crying. 10 pages and a whole weekend… About time all my effort paid off.

Anyone in the SoCal area that can help this poor soul out? I need some serious Math tutoring and the school tutors are all booked up. I walked out of my Math exam last week after competely spacing…drew a blank. Even on the stuff I knew I knew.

I can’t pay ya, but I could do a portrait for you, or a small painting, or some scrapbook pages or…something! Seriously. I need a math tutor. And it really sucks having to admit that my much desired independence is screwing me over as this internet math class is NOT working.

Please, anyone, math help? If you know someone that might be able to help pass the word. I’m serious about this. I need to get a C in this class to get to the next level of Math…in turn to Statistics and then BE DONE WITH THIS.

So, an A on my last Anthro test and an awesome, amazing, just fabulous Saturday night and I’m doing okay.

Now if I could manage to slide by with a C in my Math and History midterms I’ll be even more content, lol.

Oh, and this grey, cooool weather in So Cali? I’m loving it. Finally, some rest for my eyes and a little drizzle to walk in and tilt my face to.

Good day!

I don’t know why I let what other people write get to me but I do and it does and it hurts. I am completely aware that everyone doesn’t “GET” what it’s like to have a mental disorder. I just don’t understand why people would rather spout their opinions without trying to educate themselves further. Just bothers me and my mind screams in frustration.

To all those that think people who are depressed can just “get over it” or “grow up” please, fuck off. Really. Seriously. Yes, I’m manic depressive, so I don’t just experience depression but when I do, depression is a destroyer. When I feel depression creeping upon me I can sense it and try to do what I can to fight it off but it always wins. Every single fucking time. And until recently, when I went back on my medicine, it was hell. Ever lost a job? Ever been left by a boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse? Ever felt regret for something you’ve done? Do you have a moment when someone put you down and you believed them? Well, take all of these, put them together and multiple tenfold. That is what it’s like for me when I’m depressed. Yes, Ashleigh keeps me going but as I’m going about each day everything is heavier and and more intense. I don’t claim to know how others with depression feel but I understand that it just doesn’t go away when you wish it to.

I would rather deal with the possible dehydration, the shakes or dizziness that happen in the beginning with my lithium than not take it. For myself it is a life saver every single day, even the small amount I’m on now. I know many who take multiple medicines just to find something remotely close to “normal” and if lithium didn’t work, I would be doing the same. For people who experience a general “normal” on a daily basis, I imagine you’ll never understand the mania or depression. I guess that’s just how it is, but don’t expect people to smile and thank you for saying “cheer up”. Those words can be the most damaging said. Image feeling like you should be happier, should “cheer up” and then when you try and try and try and you are unable to, feel even worse because everyone treats you as if you’re broken because you’re not happygofuckingcheerful. Just a heads up as to why those words SUCK.

I can write these words now because I’m not depressed. If I was depressed I would only be able to stare at the screen and cry. Unfortunately, while I’m not depressed, I am falling from a high of the past couple days and this middle ground seems not-so-normal and remotely lower than I’d like. Yeah, I’ll make it through the day and weekend somehow but not easily.

Today is one of those days when I don’t feel so strong, when no upbeat song helps. Today, I’m tired of trying, tired of searching for a job, reading my textbooks, and so damn tired of feeling like I can never do enough, be enough. Today is a day when I wonder why I should should try so hard when the past couple years my trying has left me without a reward, when it seems school will never end and and a job nonexistent.

I feel mania inching around me and I am tired of fighting it off, just want to let it take control but I can’t. Can’t for Ashleigh’s sake, for our sake. So, I’ll sit here and read my chapters, write my papers, curse at algebra and my incapable brain, clean the apartment, feed Ashleigh, and hope that trying my hardest and loving her is enough for today.

The days are flying by faster than I imagined. School is keeping me extremely busy and some days I feel like I’ll never get it done and it’ll be 40 before I get any sort of a degree. But I smile when I go to class and I think hell, at least I’m trying, even if the homework sucks ass.

Many people say children are resilient and I hate that because I’d rather they not be. Why go through so much because they can? Well, Ash is a trooper and has no clue right now, only that mom and dad love her and that’s all that matter’s to me. If I make it to Seattle like I hope I’m not sure how that’ll work out but I can only do my best to make her happy. Our newest thing: Monkey kisses. Hoo hoo!

Last week was full of a lot of back pain but it seems to have dissipated for now. It was bad enough I had a few (okay, five) drinks last Wednesday just to get to sleep. Good to know my tolerance is still up there like getting drunk and stupid days.

I’d sure love to hear back from my doctor on my lithium lab to know if I can increase or not as I seem to be floating on the edge all day long. Not in mania, not depressed, but ready to fly into either one as a result of a word or action. Haven’t yet, and this middle ground is working for now, but it’s a mediocre solution and definitely one I couldn’t bear to experience long term. One a side note, my doctor’s first name is Jesus, undoubtedly the Spanish pronunciation. So, after talking to my Mom the day of my doctor’s visit I said “hey, I saw Jesus today.” What a shame, I didn’t even get a laugh out of her for that one.

10:10, better get us going and out the door for my walk. Another one of my teacher’s kick ya in the ass quizzes tonight in anthro so I need to get back and do some studying. But I love it. A shame tonight’s discussion won’t be as entertaining as the Sex and Marriage session.

It’s pretty sad when I’ve an evening to myself and I’m still at home, getting ready to go read in bed. I have no where to go, no one to visit. This sucks. I can’t wait to move back to Seattle.

Anyone know of a low cost or free (preferred) email formatting program?

Ashleigh photos are now in a new gallery to make like a hell of a lot easier. I’ve been using Coppermine Photo Gallery for my Cashew Style layout gallery but now I have it installed here and full of Ashleigh pics. Woo hoo!

Updated up to September.