It’s amazing how little time it takes to pack when I’m not trying to squeeze in toddler clothes, cups, Pull-ups and toys. My smallest suitcase is ready to go, with my backpack ready and waiting for my Math book and then I’ll be set. Woo hoo! Tomorrow morning I leave for Indianapolis. Note, it’s just me. Not the three of us, not Ash and I…just ME!

I’ll be back to the typical chaos Monday night, but I can not wait to just sit and do NOTHING with my bud. About fucking time.

To those who have been around since I received my first car nearly two years ago, I share with you a recent scrapbook layout:

>First Car

I’ve also completed many other layouts since my last mention on here, so check out Nifty Scrappin’ if you’re interested.

Yes, scrapbooking is addictive, but I tell myself it’s another form of expressing myself with art so I can’t let it go. And it’s fun!

Okay, so it felt like I was dying when I came home. Yes, I realize I’m in Southern California, but come on, it’s SPRING! Can’t we stick to weather that I can actually breathe in? Or how about a temperature that doesn’t make my eyeballs burn? Shit, it was 85 when I arrived at class at 9:30AM and walking from that air conditioned room into the stifling air after class was enough to kick my arthritis in gear.

That 70-80s weather in Indianapolis is looking pretty fucking comfortable come this Thursday when I head over there. (in addition to the “four days without child euphoria that I’ll be experiencing)

I would like to thank the company that manufactured the Graco stroller I just bought for Ashleigh to play with. Finally, a doll stroller that isn’t bright pink or purple. It’s pretty cool, in a nice navy and yellow pattern, so I’m happy. And ya can’t beat $7.99, paid for with a gift card.

It’s official, we’re moving in July. I really hate moving, and this will be my twelfth move since 1995. Ugh.

Unfortunately, the place we’re in now will be raising rent at least $100 and we just can not afford such an increase. We went house hunting a couple weeks ago and it was beyond depressing. Any our price range would be too much once association fees and closing costs were attached to the monthly payment. I guess a house isn’t going to happen for some time, or at until we get out of Cali.

The good thing, we’re already approved for some apartments so I have plenty of time to pack. That, and no last minute, where the hell are we going move to now rush, either. Plus, the new place is literally across the street from my school. Not bad for a daily commute. With $50 less per month for rent and less gas money (at least a tank a week will be saved) things should look a bit easier. Oh, and I’ll get to walk to the store again, just down the street. John thinks I’m a little nutty, but I miss being able to walk to a store when I need something.

The place is brand new, too, so maybe, just maybe we’ll get a dishwasher that will actually WASH our dishes for once.

The most important change with this move? I’ll be back in the boundaries to go to my previous psych doc that I didn’t like, but who at least gave me meds without forcing therapy down my throat. Meds are better than no meds.

We’re over the disappointment of no house for a while, but at least there’s something positive to replace those thoughts.

I just finished watching a Science Channel show about our ancestors. And I took two pages of notes, too. Is that weird? In with our huge list of evening shows to record I have Evolutionary and such shows saved as well. When I was learning about DNA I discovered an awesome PBS series and added it to my season passes. Recently, coinciding with our primate sections and human evolution, I’ve found some other shows. And I enjoy watching them.

Never mind that I’m such a nerd I take notes from a show that isn’t required. I took em, just you know…to help remember this stuff. Too much stuff.

On a side note, just to show how interesting and important I feel this anthropology stuff is to me: I have not missed my Anthro class at all. No skipping, no later than 20 minutes (out of my control), and no “oh crap, homework due, can’t go to class” freak-out moments. I will actually be out of town for one class at the end of this month (visiting Gen in Indy) and am bummed about missing a day.

Oh, and not only have I never missed a day with this class, but this is the FIRST CLASS EVER where that is such the case. EVER. Get it? Three colleges and four program attempts and it takes one lone Anthropology course (and instructor) to keep me in class.

Sleep would be nice right about now.

Of course, I’d actually have to feel tired first.

Wow, it’s amazing how one can forget the “before meds” was like when you’re on meds. This insomnia sucks. Three nights of three to four hours at most was somewhat doable when on my own and just dealing with work, but with a two year old? She doesn’t exactly understand when I tell her “Mommy’s not feeling well, Mommy needs to lay down.”

Meanwhile, I’m thinking “I need to lay down and try to ignore this fucking headache.” I just had to call John because I couldn’t remember if he’d given me some money yesterday. Took me twenty minutes to find it in the laundry as I switched it to the dryer. Gah. I really need to catch up on my sleep if I’m going to even meet my apparent C average on my next Anthro test.

Oh, the days of being able to call in sick to work.

I just got back from my late-night work out at the gym and had an interesting encounter on the way home. As I crossed an intersection a Pepsi truck honked at me, and I dismissed it. Then, as I was driving down the road toward my apartments he started flashing his lights at me. Hmm, so I thought there might be something wrong with my car, but I let it go. STILL, the lights were flashing. What the hell? So, at the next stop sign I pulled over in front of the dealership and parked. If I hadn’t I would’ve been wondering for days what the hell the driver wanted.

Not completely stupid (only partially, as I was actually attempting to talk to the person), I dialed 911 on my cell phone so all I had to do was hit the Send button in case my stupidity won, and waited. A man started walking to the car (not bad looking, mind you, but an unknown, what the hell does he want kind of man), looked somewhat normal (ie: not crazed-killer looking, which is retarded of me to think such a thing since the majority of killers don’t look like they’re psycho), and I cracked my window MAYBE an inch. If that.

I looked at him, waiting for him to say something and he asked “where ya going?” “Uh, why?”

He smiled like a goof and said “well, I was wondering if you wanted to go on a date?” What the fuck? Since when was the side of the road a dating pool?

“Uh, I have someone at home waiting for me, thanks.” Again, what the fuck?

He stuttered “Oh, okay, thanks. Have a good night”.

Jeeze. John said I should take this as a compliment but I’m not too sure. It’s been a couple years since I’ve been out at the bars, fending off the freakazoids, but apparently in California they don’t bother with such things.

12:15AM and asking a chick you drive by for a date. Different alright.

Not exactly going too well these days. I really miss my sister, Donilyn and Gen. Days like today I really hate being in California, but if they were all down here then I’d never want to leave.

I feel like writing a poem but everything is all jumbo mumbo. I hate this “not-fully-manic-not-fully-depressed-not-in-the-middle” crap going on with me right now. And it’s not that I’m in the middle, so-called normal ground that bi-polars tend to strive for. No, it’s the damn mixed-swings again, high then low, a little high, waaay low, high, low, high low, highlowhighlow…augh! All within hours. Just give me some fucking sleep, PLEASE!

I am so very frustrated. I love Anthropology, want to learn and am excited about this class. Yet I can’t seem to pull the info out of my head when it comes to quizzes and tests. I don’t get it. In some other classes I took for general ed requirements and could care less about, such as Psychology, I had no problem with tests and remember stuff.

I’ve never been one who desired to have a high GPA, I just want to do well and succeed. Really, a decent GPA will help me get more grants right now, but in all honestly, I get the grades I get by putting in all possible effort. How is it that I can study for days, typing up notes, reading my index cards, testing myself last night and still forget such basic things as to why fucking Epoch we’re in. Gah!

I’m really trying to remain positive, but after failing my Math test last week it has become quite difficult. It just doesn’t make sense, that as soon as I find my calling so to speak, as soon as I figure out what the hell I want to do with my life school becomes even more of a struggle than before. One would think my enthusiasm would help but apparently it doesn’t.

Some days I just want to quit this school thing, but I know I can’t. So many things in my life are never completed because I give up, I get frustrated and decide to run from the problem. The last thing I want to do is show my daughter how to quit.

At least I have next week off for Spring Break and I will utilize every minute of it. I need to figure out why things are how they are and fix them. I need to make this work, not just for Ash, but for me. It’s one thing to quit because I’m frustrated and don’t think I really need to finish, but it’s another to complete something I love, something that actually has meaning to me. A lifetime of being informed of how I should think, belief and feel and finally I know what I want; it’s refreshing though somewhat daunting.