Fucking withdrawals. Having a hard time typing up my notes at the moment because my hands won’t stop shaking. Considering I know I don’t have Parkinsons (though probably will as I age since it’s on my Mom’s side) I imagine it’s my lack up Lithium in me. At least I’d think that, but who knows, I could be mistaken.

Damn, I could use some real medical insurance but I’m not sure how to go about getting that wouldn’t cost $300/month. Arg. The doc won’t give me another prescription until I get a blood test done (which I understand, Lithium can be toxic, but last checked I was below the normal, explaining why the shit isn’t working), but I don’t exactly have ane extra $100 hanging around. That, and they threatened to drop me because I haven’t attended any group therapy in a couple months. Screw em…school is a little more important, and I can’t help it they don’t have any therapy on the days I’m not in school.

Augh, rambling stuff here, probably shouldn’t complain since everything else is sorta in place, but oh well. Maybe I’m just writing here so I don’t have to concentrate on homework. Yeah, that’s probably it. Typical.

Okay, next time I feel like calling someone a big hairy ape I’ll just call them a pithecus. Jeez, took me long enough to realize why all these words end in pithecus…they’re all freaking apes.

Side note, anyone know where I could get a customized dictionary for Word, one with Anthropology terms so I don’t have to view all the damn red lines in Word? It’s getting really annoying as I type up my notes and really pissing me off.

The new episode of 24 is on tonight and I still have three episodes to watch in order to be caught up. Good thing for Tivo.

I dunno, maybe it’s because I’ve been so spent from studying for school I’m just not as interested in this season. Could be that when they brought Nina back I was put off…can’t stand her in the show, saw no reason to bring the cunt back, and really made the show unbelievable. Not that it was a pillar of truth, but at least things were somewhat plausible. And the whole virus thing…where’d the storyline go? Gah, just seems to be iffy. Or it’s just me and itty bitty attention span these days. I suppose I should catch up now…

Ashleigh’s new favorite snack is peanuts. Which of course sounds a lot like penis. There’s nothing quite like pushing the cart down the grocery aisle and hearing your daughter exclaim “more penis, more penis”. Um, yeah.

So I’ve been doing this journal/blog/online site thingy for four years as of today. Wow. One of the rare things I’ve actually started and followed through on. I’m not an every day poster like others, but then again, I never was; sporadic seems to describe me plenty.

To the few who have continued to read, thank you. I’m not sure who has been here from the beginning, but Laura is the only other one I recall being around when I started. Amazing how much has happened in these four years. And I’ll be 27 tomorrow…weird. I don’t recall much since 23. You’d think I’d forget the partying days and remember after that, but nope, it’s been a blur (well, accept the having a baby thing, can’t forget that). I suppose I could do some reading if my memory needs a little help.

I can feel myself withdrawing from everything. I love Ash but have NO desire to be around her lately. I told John last night that if I didn’t have responsibilities, such as Ash and school, I’d be in bed for the next two weeks. It’s not healthy, I know I’m falling, but a part of me WANTS to.

I’ve been playing WEBlogger off and on all morning because I can’t combine enough energy to do shit around here. I guess it’s okay as long as I’m dressed by the time John is home so we can take Ash for her TB reading. Until then, it’s Diet Code Red, some raisons, all five Collective Soul albums on shuffle play, and Ashleigh napping. Thank goodness for naps.

I’m assuming everyone does this, but maybe it’s just me. When study, I think of things to help me remember terms, such as Bracheators…walk on branches, branches break…sounds like Brach-eators. With New World, Old World monkeys I used the concept that one term is earlier in the alphabet, so therfore platyrrhini and catarrhini …the Old World guys were here first…earlier…earlier in the alphabet, so Old world are catarrhini, New World platyrrhini. Anyhow.

So…there was this one tidbit of info in my notes about which species births twins and I used the fact it has two “l”s in it…twins, two…okay. I was right in thinking that would be just the thing my processor would use for extra credit, especially since he only mentioned it once…and he did. And I forgot the fucking term. All I could remember was two “l”s. Buggers.

I still can’t find it in my notes…will not rest until I do. And now I’m kicking myself because of all the things to fuck up on a test and I just noticed I missed the one on Hominoids…you know the damn super family we, us humans, are a part of. So much for the “increased comlexity in brain”. Sheesh.

ADDED: Okay, so I need to work on my studying…it’s the callitrichidae…but marmasets and tamarines. Definitely need to perfect this technique a bit more.

Shitty day. And I REALLY hate stupid people but am really glad I don’t live in Murrieta anymore because the traffic SUCKS donkey ass.

I think I did well on my test even though I was late (Ash refused to let me dress her so I put her in the car seat with just a Pull-up). Would be nice to have something positive to dwell on come Tuesday.

After 45 minutes on the elliptical and 30 in the pool I’m feeling a little better. Nothing like some good exercise to burn off some frustrations. Not back to feeling “good and all” but okay. Now, if I remember all this anthro stuff and pass the exam tomorrow I’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Side note, any swimmers that read here? I’m having trouble keeping my legs straight, and they keep flopping around. Any suggestions?

Off to go dream of spider monkeys and banobo chimps (who utilize sex as humans do, if not more frequent)

I am zapped. Fried. I’m tired of trying so hard and feeling like I’m getting nowhere. Homework, Ash, John, this fucking apartment, family, medical stuff, everything…it’s just mingling around in my head and I want it all to stop.

Why the hell are some people able to work, take care of a home, manage multiple kids and are just peachy and I’m struggling to take a breath without screaming? I’m tired of meds not working, I’m tired of thinking I don’t have enough will power, I hate that I feel like I have have a reason for being upset even when I have no fucking clue, I wish I didn’t feel like I should stop crying even when I’m the only one home, I need to stop comparing myself to my dad but I can’t.

I’m unable to focus. Not my my physical and mental needs, not Ashleigh, not John, and not school. Each thought or concern is followed by another, overshadowed and I never know where I am in my process of anything. Oh how I wish I could complete a tenth of the grandiose ideas and projects I’ve created druing my manic episodes. Even one?

I wish I could be the independent person that’s inside, cussing at me for being so reliant on others, for needing someone besides myself.

I wish I could tell people how I really feel, how much I pain I have, without feeling as if I’m making excuses when I’m not.

Well, here I am…my brain is fizzled out for the night. I can see why people study primates because they’re interesting, but for the life of me I can’t remember the differences between Old World, New World Monkeys, Hominoids, Hominids. Phhhhfffffft!

My professor, barely 30 I swear, is always in front of the classroom spewing all these terms and classifications as if they’re the alphabet. Gah, he’s probably laughing at me, knowing his first convert is his first sucka. Tell me to map traits down ten generations, but this is driving me nuts!!!!

John is asleep on the couch and Ash actually put herself to bed before 11PM today. Just me and my headphones trying not to go blind reading my quickly written scrawl.

I may have looked like an idiot, but the smile on Ashleigh’s face as we danced around the living room to my music was all I needed. What a natural high. This is the part about having a kid that ROCKS. I love these moments.

I just listed a few scrapbooking items on eBay, anything to get a few extra bucks these days. I also have my Aaron Brothers Canvases up if anyone is interested.

My Ebay Items

Scrappy Items include:

Daisy Hill Rivets and Word Charms
a Close to My Heart Marker
2 Creative Imaginations aphabet sticker sheets
Lego border stickers

WOW, that was fast! Looks like Liz will be enjoying my goodies soon. I’ll be sure to give you a chance next time I list things, Cheryl.

Yesterday was a good day, really. It’s just the late night, early hours that sucked.

Ash woke up around midnight crying and while I was holding her she threw up all over me. Oh god, I am so glad John was awake. See, we’ve been spoiled. Ash has only been sick a few times in her two years and those were only roseola and minor colds. Nothing big, and definitely NO puking.

I guess she made up for it last night. She seems fine today, just a fever, though I can’t tell how high since I can’t find the thermometer. I feel bad for not knowing she had a temp yesterday, but she’s always been warm to the touch. I just figured it was the 85+ temperatures outside that what the problem.

Oh well, at least I think she’ll be okay and everything is back to normal. Me, I get sick and stay that way for days, Ash she’s sick and done with it. I’d rather be sick than her, though. Breaks a momma’s heart.

I just got the call from the local scrapbook store and they want me as one of their Design Team Members. Woo hoo!

It’s only until June (they change every four months) but I’m so excited! I actually didn’t think I’d get it but I couldn’t resist at least trying.

This store is amazing! It’s in Riverside, California, the name is Two Peas Scrapbooking (no ties to the online site thank goodness). They have a wonderfully large children’s area with a tv, vcr, and oodles of toys and an even larger scrapping area with the perfect tables (IKEA, I want them). They have all the new papers I’ve wanted to try out and I’ll get 15% off anything in the store.

I just have to come in at least once a month and make two layouts with store product. Very, very cool. I can definitely handle it and can’t wait to try the new stuff.

I’ve submitted for a couple different sites online for their Design Teams, and as much as I would love to be on one, at least I can try this out and see what it’s like. Nothing like a good ego boost to make a day of cleaning and homework much better.