The only thing keeping me from going online and dropping my English and Math classes is the idea of having to pay financial aid back. Fuck.

I feel like a dumbass, unable to figure out problems my 12 year old nephew is learning in school. What the hell?! Did my brain just dump that ability over the years when it realized I wasn’t utilizing it? Needed more space for me to remember the term “wolf pack” from 10th grade drivers ed as I’m flying down the 215, so out went all the numbers shit. Ugh.

I can only try to explain to John or anyone else how devastated I feel, how defeating this is. My AA degree seems nearly impossible, let alone the Marketing BA I long for down the road. I’m beginning to think I’m just not made to do this school thing, that this struggle isn’t just a fabrication, that my chemicals have fucked with the pathways that let “the smarts” out to be usefull.

So I’m analyzing one of my poems instead of some random one, in the off chance it’ll be easier to figure out what I meant a few years ago, than what some romantic period dude meant ages ago. Heh, fat chance. How am I suppose to analyze a poem about me sitting in Starbucks for the first time before starting a new job? WTF? I’m supposed to state how it’s an argument…yet I fail to see an argument.

Yes, it’s late, 2:52 AM at the moment, but compared to last night/morning, it’s nothing. I didn’t get to sleep until 3:40AM or something like that courtesy of my current rapid cycling ride on “I feel like I don’t need sleep and I’m feeling just peachy, three hours of sleep is enough, oh shit, why won’t Ash take a nap, I’m exhausted, must sit still long enough to do homework after buzzing around the apartment cleeeaaaaning of all things, then slamming into the thunk, stickey eyelids, only partially done with homework but just don’t fucking care anymore” coaster.

Goodnight.

Each day I live I understand my Dad more and more. They know what’s up with him now, he’s on meds, and my parents are the happiest they’ve been in 42 years. All those years I cried and begged my Mom to leave Dad for the crazy shit he yelled, the things he threw, the hysterical mutterings, I remember. I’m glad they’re still together, and I keep asking myself how John still stays around, how he can deal with me, and I hope he’ll be as patient as my Mother has been.

I know I shouldn’t, and I know I won’t, but I feel like giving up on school. When I can’t fucking concentrate long enough to remember how to multiply or divide signed numbers, I’m fucked. And now I’ve broken my headphones during my frustrated moment of rage and have to share the annoying interactive voices with the rest of the apartment. If I could just glue everything down…

But then I’d end up hurting myself in my determined way to throw something, anything.

I miss stability, though I’m not sure if I’ve really know it in its purest form. I’ve tackled our files, my scrapbooking supplies, my school folders, and just about anything that could be labeled. Ah, the sound of my P-touch printing; it’s quite euphoric, actually.

My upstairs neighbor is doing a before and after thingy for her Mary Kay consulting. Friday morning I’ll be wearing make-up for the first time in…ten years? Yeah, I think the last time I attempted the stuff was for my friend (no longer) at her wedding, April 1994. Heh, the day I spent three hours spiral curling my hair only to have it flat again after 20 minutes of dancing.

So, I’ll try to get copies of the before and after pictures. You know, from naturally pale Norwegian skin to just enough makeup to give me “the natural look”. *snort*

Time to hit the gym and drink some more water. Damn medicine dehydrates me beyond caffeine’s own talents and it’s not even doing a thing. At least the water can’t hurt me, right?

Anyone know how to get car oil out of clothes? Ash found the small puddle of oil in a parking space and sat down in it. I’m pissed because it was a new pair of pants I just bought her yesterday. Yeah, I picked them up 50% off, but that’s not the point.

The past two days (since yesterday afternoon) I’ve been hit with panic attacks. Not my usual hypermania episodes of restlessness and such, but real, I can’t breathe, can’t think, can’t do more than one thing at a time, my head is going to explode attacks. Just when I was starting to feel positive about school and everything else, this shit happens.

Deep breathing can only help so much, and all I want to do is stay away from anybody…Ash, John, anyone who is talking (I don’t seem to hear their voices in real time anymore).

The pounding in my head will not stop, and it’s not a headache. Can I just curl up in a ball now, and scream?

I just finished my two and half page paper on myself as a writer, and I feel satisfied. For once, a paper for a class that isn’t part BS. I actually meant what I said! Amazing.

Mmm, enjoying my time without Ash, oh yeah. On to online math lectures before I pick her up in a little over an hour. I really hope I feel this calm and relaxed about school beyond this week.

I just finished reading over my portfolio from my English Comp. class in 1998. One of my favorite pieces is a poem I wrote in tribute to e. e. cummings. Out of the other writing samples I wrote a short story based on a events in my life (Code 146), and a very short story (Baggage). Our first assignment in Eng 101 this semester is to write a paper on ourselves as a writer, our history and such. So I started flipping through old poems, my short stories, and then the ones I mentioned already.

There are so many things I would love to change about them, as some of my writing seems somewhat juvenile, but I’ll let it be…was 19. I can’t find these on my computer or disks anywhere, and I may just have to type them up again, but I might add them to my Ramblings section. Kinda bold for me, as one of them is of a personal matter, but they’re doing no good tucked in a folder in my memories tub. In time, I suppose.

Just because one has endorphins from a kick-ass work out racing within does NOT mean that stop signs no longer exist. Oy. Good thing is was almost midnight and no one was on the road.

I’m not sure how I did it, but my elliptical mile dropped from my steady 14:00 to 12:00 tonight. The past few weeks I’d improved from 14:30 to 14:00, but this was crazy. I guess working out to Erasure is a good thing.

Damn, I love this feeling. A handful of peanuts, some water, and now I’m off to bed. I drop Ash off at day care by 9AM, but with no classes, I have nearly five hours all to my self to do homework and well, be without child. Aaah, what joy. Love the girl, but her attitude and inability to walk by something without grabbing is really getting to me. Hard to believe something regarding school will be refreshing.

Okay, i’m not going to panic, I’m not going to panic…really, I’m not going to. But damn, as nice as my English Comp teacher is, the syllubus is scaring the shit out of me.

I need this class, not just to graduate, because I know I won’t be very successfull in my courses down the road if I don’t do well in this one. It’s not the writing that’s freaking me out…it’s the paper and essay thing. AUGH! Once I know what I’m writing I’m fine, but the researching and picking what is needed is just not a forte of mine. And to think I used to want to be a Legal Secretary because I loved research. Hahahhaha. Obviously, I have changed in the past ten years.

My physical anthropology professor is pretty cool. He looks like one of the guys in Office Space (will have to look it up on my DVD later) and says “m’kay” a lot. Not enough to annoy me, thank goodness, but enough to be funny and keep me smiling.

Ash took a nap for her sitter today at 11:30AM. Why the hell can’t she do that for me? It’s gotta be the “I’m not your mommy so you actually do what I want” priviledge.

Remember the Communications class I wasn’t able to get into? Looks like they added waitlist capabilities last minute, so I’m on the waitlist. Oy. I’ll probably get in, with the new drop rules for online courses, but we’ll see. I’d probably be better taking the class next semester and sticking with four classes, but who knows.

I’m trying not to feel overwhelmed, reading over different plans for classes, all the assignments due and such, but it’s inevitable. All I can do is stay organized, stay ahead, do NOT get anywhere near behind, and focus. And Math, lordy, my first math class in ten years. This should be interesting.

Now, I’m just itching for John’s bonus check so I can purchase my textbooks. Of course, a new binder, and some folders so everything has it’s place.

I’m really trying hard to not panic, and so far so good. But school hasn’t even started, so be forwarned.

Why can’t web developers make their sites at least visible/usable with Mozilla Firebird? I have IE, I have Netscape, but prefer Firebird, but I’m sick and tired of people telling me to download IE or upgrade Netscape. What ever happened to making a happy customer?

Two online stores lost my interest today because they wouldn’t even let me into their site. I guess they won’t get any of my money come next month when I actually have it. Really fucking annoying.

Just after 2AM and I only finished up a scrap layout. Ugh. What is wrong with me? I’m tired, exhausted, but my mind won’t stop. So much for my plans to hit the gym tonight.

Things have been rough these days. I swear, it’s as if I’m not even swallowing my damn pills. I do not feel…right. Things seem out of sort and I’m finding myself full of anger and rage I didn’t know I had inside of me. I realize hours later many harsh words have escaped my mouth and then I’m frustrated, unable to control what I’m feeling.

I don’t believe I’ve been this close to the bottom since I was on my own in the University apartment, over four years ago. I’m not suicidal, can’t even consider such a thought, but damn, a nice hypermania episode is sounding pretty tempting right now.

Tomorrow I’ll be calling around to a few places about clinical trials for those with Bipolar disorder. I’m especially interested in the ones which specify they’re looking for those who are experiencing a major depressive mood. Um, yeah. That’d be me right now. Anything besides this Lithium must work better and I’m on a mission to find it.

I’d love to share the details of yesterday’s car running out of gas and I didn’t have John’s or the babysitter’s phone number because I left the cell phone at home and was stranded for two hours ordeal, but I just don’t feel like typing that much shit.

For some reason, I’m actually looking forward to school again. Maybe I just want to get back to a schedule, something my mind seems to require in order to function. Dunno, but it sure sucks waiting three weeks for the $100+ from selling textbooks on Half.com to be deposited in my account. I need it now, but no, I must wait. Bleh.

Suppose I should crash, attempt some sleep, but will most likely study the ceiling for hours. Sure wish it’d warm up here because my hair is flying everywhere and the air has my skin itching like a damn disease.

I can’t even begin to explain how good it felt last night to get out. Even with Ash tagging along I had blast. The best part was the adult interaction. Finally. It’s been way too long.

The three of us headed over to John’s brother’s place, along with my crate-o-alcohol that been lugged from apartment to apartment the past few years. My stash hadn’t really really been touched since months before I became pregnant, but I couldn’t see tossing the stuff. The only thing I’ve had these days is an Absolut and crans at the end of a rough day.

I remember my days of getting stupid-drunk and can’t see myself doing that anymore. Besides, Ash somehow managed to stay up past midnight, so it’s not like I really had a choice. Everyone had a few drinks and we played a game of electronic Taboo. I’m always dying to play games, even have tons of them at home, but it’s just not John’s thing. With everyone slightly inebriated the game was pretty entertaining, and I did a lot better than I thought.

Considering Christmas was a dud for the most part, with Ash getting a bag of PullUps from her Grandparents, and all we got was token food gifts, (except for what I got from my sister, she new just what I needed), New Years was an improvement. I’m feeling a lot better, less discouraged, and ready to tackle the year.

I’m so ready, I took the item on my to-do list to upload new Ash pictures and redesigned her site as well. Colors were based on a recent layout and I just went with it. There are tons of new December shots, but they include her birthday, Christmas, and New Years Eve.

I’m off to put my new contacts in for a new month, heading to pick up a surprise package at UPS, and then will be tackling the laundry and “stuff that really needs to be put in it’s place” issue. I hope everyone had a pleasant, if uneventful, New Year. 2004, wow, I barely got used to 2003.