I have to wait until 3:30PM to register online for my Spring 2004 classes. This is killing me. Possibly my last semester, I just want to get this started, so I can get it over with. I’ll be taking day-time courses for the first time, so hopefully things will be a tad easier.

Augh, I hate waiting.

Earlier tonight I discovered that someone I knew is very much like me, though one would never guess by looking at the two of us. I don’t care how many times I run into someone with bipolar disorder, each one means so much to me.

It is reassuring so much it’s therapeutic, knowing I’m not the only one who spends oodles of time in stores, just looking. I’m not the only one who’s been under suspicion, as I walk up and down each aisle, no matter if I need the contents. She used to buy cleaning goods, I bought art supplies (then videos, then furniture, then candles…it goes on).

Her love of vodka and cran was like a tickle. I felt as a little kid, giggling with her new playground friend over the shared interest in a current trendy doll.

I don’t bond with many, and even if I don’t stay in touch with this one, I know there are others. My few select confidants know me and my quirks, my passions, and my weaknesses. Yes, I close myself off from the world at times, from people often, but I’m content with such a situation. Many days I despise my disorder, and then there are days like today. I remember who I am and how so much of my life would exist differently if it weren’t for my “blemish”.

I’m kind of scrambling my thoughts, but I maybe there’s something understandable in there somewhere. I know I’m not existing in singularity, but even now that I’m aware of why I’m so whacked, there are times I feel I’m the only one in the world who exists as I do.

I have a few large canvases, a couple different sizes, that are still in their shrinkwrap from one of my manic shopping sprees a few years ago. They’re from Aaron Brothers, and I’m willing to sell them for half their current going price. If you’re in the SoCal area or know someone who is and would be interested, please email me and I’ll give the exact details (and pictures later when I have the camera tonight).

I’ve been taking them with each move I’ve made but it’s been over two years, almost three, since I used the paint brush. The last painting to be completed is the one you see within this current layout. I know the only time I’ve ever been filled with enough creativity and passion to paint was during major hypermania periods. This is of course one thing I no longer experience thanks to my lovely Lithium, but I guess I have to “take the bad with the good” as everyone who doesn’t know shit always says.

Anyhoo, canvas for sale, email me if you are interested.

UPDATE: (still waiting on camera, will have picture tonight) I have five (5) Stretched Canvas items. Four (2 24×30, 2 18×24) are The Artist’s Studios Heavy Duty, purchased from Aaron Brother’s. The Artist’s Studio canvases are natural cotton duck, archival quality, with staple free edges, and are suitable for Oil or Acrylic Painting. The forth canvas was purchased at the University of Washington Bookstore and is 14×18 (it does have staple edges). ALL FOUR are in their original shrinkwrap and in new condition (one 18×24 has two slits in the shrinkwrap but the canvas is not damaged at all).

The current price for the Aaron Brother’s items are $24.99 for 18×24 and $32.99 for 24×30 (total $115.96 for all four) and I’m willing to sell for half the amount.

We picked the car up Friday afternoon, and not only is everything fixed, but the car was washed AND our dome light was working. Of course, we didn’t tell the dealer it’s never worked in the time we’ve owned it, but hey, the blown fuse could’ve affected it, right? Heh.

I seem to be doing extremely well, mood wise, that is. As I said to John while watching TV last night “I think I’m back”. Egads, the last month or so has completely sucked. I find it ultra spiffy that I can be in a decent mood even when it’s raining outside and my toes are freezing. I didn’t lose it when Ash dumped water all over herself earlier, and I went to the family gathering yesterday without anxiety. I really do enjoy feeling good, it’s amazing.

Now, off to clean an apartment that has suffered the bulk of my negative energy. While I know John could care less about the clutter and mess, I’m very much done with tripping over things and hurting myself.

Side note, I’m retaking my Math Assessment test at the school so I don’t have to enroll in four classes just to get my degree. It’s been ten years since I approached algebra of any kind and according to my last assessment it’s pretty much been released from my memory storage. I’ve found a couple study sites, but if anyone knows of a good Algebra/Math study site, please send the link my way. Thanks!

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. I know I’ve been quiet with the comments, but I have been reading.

So. We bought a battery and had it installed at Walmart on Tuesday (don’t start with the Wally/Target shit, when you’re flat ass broke and you really can’t afford anything, let alone a needed battery, you go cheap). Normally, shouldn’t have been a problem, but normally there wouldn’t be an idiot installing batteries who doesn’t know you shouldn’t cross the damn wires. Yeah.

We get the battery in, try to start the car and nothing. Not even a click, nadda. Fuck. So they look and discover that when the other dude had crossed the wires, he blew the main fuse. They didn’t have the exact fuse, so one was sent from AutoZone and replaced. Ugh. Everything should have been spiffy. Should.

Finally, we start the car without hesitation (we put off buying this battery way too long), and not only does the car start just fine, but it won’t shut up. The “door is ajar” warning beep wouldn’t stop, the clock wasn’t working, the radio was nill. Oh, but I can put the emergency greak on and the beeping will stop, which is not an option when driving. Sigh.

Wallmart couldn’t do shit, figured it was more blown fuses they couldn’t find, said to come back Thursday when the Manager would be there and could do the paperwork to have the repair taken care of. I went in today, we talked, decided the Mazda dealer is the best way to go (as we all know my car is one giant quirk beyond being special). After making it to the dealer, we just came home, planning to drop the car off tomorrow morning. Sucky sucky.

Meanwhile, I have a headache from a constant beeping and no damn radio to drown it out. Every few minutes of driving I get this quick panic, wondering “what’d I leave open” until I remember once again “nope, it’s nothing, just a fucked up car”. Ugh.

Of course, my music-obsessed daughter isn’t phased and just starts rocking out to the beeps each time, bobbing her head as if the radio was playing. Which, it is not.

It was months ago when I first mentioned Ashleigh’s ability to take off her diaper. For a while we used Pull-Ups as a preventative measure, but recently she started taking those off, too. A couple times, she’s peed or pooped (ugh) and then taken her diaper off.

Tonight, my wonderful little girl thought she had it figure out. Not only did she take her diaper off, and then pooped, but she put her diaper back on. I refrained from calling her many things and settled on doodyhead.

Little does she know she’s proven to us she has the ability to start the potty training process now, not down the road. No fucking excuse. ‘Cause dammit, I’m getting tired of cleaning up shit.

Dang, the one time I’m running late on monthy updates, and just don’t feel like doing ANYthing, people are asking for Ashliegh pictures. Well, here ya go, October pics.

I did my best to get some Dorothy pics of Ash, but as you can tell in the ones I managed, she wasn’t too thrilled. I suppose the fact that this was the first time she’d worn tights and was grabbing at them all night had something to do with that.

We’ve decided to do the Dorothy thing next year but this time hunt down a blue gingham dress and a furry little Toto. Last week, it was either the little puppy you see in the pictures or a barking and growling stuffed pitbull.

Not doing so well these days. That really doesn’t begin to describe the shit that’s been happening lately, but I don’t believe that word has been created yet.

I think I understand my dad more so than I used to. My years as a child were often spent afraid of his anger, never knowing when it would explode. Now, I try to make it through each day without experiencing my own sudden fireworks. Some days I wish I could stay in bed and have Ash in her room the whole time, just to provide the perfect, non-stimulating, non-frustrating, non-anger-inducing environment.

I have no fucking idea how John is managing, and I hate knowing how difficult this must be for him. I remember the waiting, wondering if I would do something to set my dad off, and I can only imagine John is thinking the same.

Meds aren’t doing shit, and I’m supposed to start some retarded, group-hug “life management” therapy on Tuesday (every week, for added torture). I don’t do therapy very well. In high school it was paid for after a wonderful event and I finally gave in so the high school counselor would leave me alone. We ended up talking about “the real me” one time, and bullshitting the rest of the sessions.

The therapist did hit me on the spot, right on target last Thursday, stating my coping strategy is “avoidance”. No shit. Now, to figure out what I need to do, without avoiding the damn steps as I go.

We all have our own ways of getting through each day and I’m sure some of you all know avoiding things is only a temporary solution. These days, I have completely realized such a concept, as my world seems to be collapsing more so each morning I open my eyes.

We’re up in the mountains right now, enjoying the nippy 35 degree weather. Lovely. At least now the warm clothes that have been sitting in Ashleigh’s drawers are finally getting used. There was even some snow last night, and I’ll post soon as I get home. It’s cold, but there’s nothing like hanging out in front of a log fire, smelling chocolate chip cookie baking. Yummy.

Originally we weren’t planning on doing anything with Ash for Halloween, but a last minute trip provided me with a great costume idea. Last night, we had our own Dorothy, with ruby red slippers and braids. No Toto looking dog, but her little puppy worked. I’ve taken pictures, and will share those soon, too. I felt so proud of myself, coming up with a costume idea at such a last minute, but I guess that’s the fun part of being a parent.

Off to play dominoes and get all toasty. I definitely needed a break and this is working just peachy.