Last night I had one of my moments. Not my freak out “I can’t handle my life right now I’m going to lose it” moments, but one where I wanted to run for my life.

My Political Science teacher let us out at 10PM, the last possible minute of class. Exhausted, but chatting up with a classmate about financial aid and how much we were sucking in the class, we walked toward the middle of the campus. I was parked in one lot, and she was in another I didn’t even know existed until last night.

It had been at least five minutes since we paused and gabbed in the one spot, and eventually we split up, freezing (I know, awful 60 degree weather here, shut up). As I started walking toward the parking lot on the edge of the campus, I realized how loud my shoes were, and how quiet everything else was. I hadn’t worn my shoes much, so they still made a loud noise as if I was wearing high heals. Each step seemed louder and more deafening and I just wanted to run, only I knew I’d fall on my ass, my slippery as hell soles sealing my fate.

I panicked. I began hugging my notebook and text to my chest, glancing around the buildings and bushes, and trying oh so very hard to not pick up and run to my car. You know the moment I’m talking about. We’ve all seen a horror movie with some chick innocently going about her thing, completely alone, with the dooming music escalating. How many times have you yelled at the TV “get out of there, you idiot! He’s gonna get you!” But it never fails, either she finds out the noises heard are just her cat or boyfriend, or she’s slaughtered with obnoxious gore.

Some not-so-pleasant thoughts ran though my mind in the minute it took me to reach my car. I’ve always been one to carry my keys strategically through my knuckles, anticipating an eyeball or two. I just haven’t felt so petrified in years, and I know if someone had actually been there, they’d have sensed it like any canine.

Shit has happened to me, and obviously I survived. I’ve learned to be strong, walk like I know where the fuck I’m going, and I’ve discovered I can defend myself with even a T-square. It has been a long time and while I am paranoid as any parent about my daughter, it seems as if I have been lax in sensitivity to my surroundings. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I hung around my Astrology classroom tonight, waiting for the chick I jabber with during the hours. My Thursday parking lot is well-lit, and adjacent to my classroom, but I was still hesitant to be my usual independent, confident self. I think I looked in the back seat at least three times, and refused to check my rear-view mirror on the way home.

I guess it’s back to reality and just because it’s a different state doesn’t mean there aren’t fucked up weirdos out there.

Most won’t think it’s crazy, but for me to finish three layouts in one month, two of them two-pagers, it’s an amazing thing.

Check out Friends (from Seattle), So expressive, so pretty, and All tuckered out. It’s going to be a while before I do anymore (need to get the photos printed).

I do believe if I had psychotic tendencies (aside from being bipolar of course) my crime of choice would be arson. Not that I would actually do such a thing, as we all know I’m not pyschotic, but it’s a thought.

I was one of the awful gawkers on the 60 on the way to and from school, and just now the gym, doing my best to catch a glimpse of the fire a few miles over the hill. No, I don’t like knowing some homes were ruined, and over a 1,000 acres have already burned. Considering how much fire radiates a glow within me, it’s hard to not watch the flames as they climb the hill.

It’s amazing I never burned down the woods behind the place I grew up in. I used to pick a leaf and light it with a match to watch it burn and crinkle up, blowing it out just before my fingertips. Stupid, yes, especially since I did it often, but it was exciting, and full of warmth (I bet a psych doc would have a ball trying to analyze that).

Unfortunately, the air outside is now stifling, smelling worse than unwashed camping gear three weeks afterwards. The sky was nearly black when I left for class at 6:30PM, and parts of the road required high beams just to make it through in a safe manner. Flames seemed to have died down one my way home from the gym, and I do hope the firefighters are able to get beyond 15% contained tonight. Ashleigh loves playing outside, but just two minutes in this air is sickening to me, let alone what it’d do to her.

Time to go try and sleep. I’m proud of myself, in that I fought the insomnia and boredom demons at the same time. Making a trip to the gym and ceremoniously kicking my own ass has proved far more rewarding than driving to the gas station and buying Hostess Cupcakes.

Excuse me while I laugh at Brett Boone in the box. Fox brings him in for commentary (can’t be any worse the other two guys) only because Aaron Boone is playing and he doesn’t say a fucking word. Aaron wins the game, sends Boston home, and he’s speechless. Now that is priceless. We’re flipping over to YES post game coverage soon as we can so we don’t have to listen to the Fox crap.

Thank you Rivera, you rock. See everybody on the 18th.

Today has been one of those days I wish I was the babysitter and getting paid to put up with this shit. It must be because I have a midterm tonight, as kids can always sense stuff like that (you know, they’re silent…until the phone rings).

The President is about five miles from where I live and it pisses me off that I don’t even get a glimpse. John just paid our bill…across the street from him. Oh well. One day.

Off to deal with child and reading. Joy.

I’m alive, I’m justy busy with school and feel like crap. Still trying to figure out why I’m feeling this way, and struggling to keep myself motivated.

I have discovered Ash has is even more like me than I thought. She has no patience, gets frustrated and irritated if she doesn’t do something right the first time, or we don’t respond instantly, and is already showing a nifty fucking temper. Not just a toddler, fit-throwing ability, either. Scary. I just need to stay away from her on my bad days I think.

Anyone out there order from Schwans? First time for me today, and I had the two friendliest delivery guys I have EVER had from any company. Heh, the food’s pretty good, too. (Somehow I managed to not order any of their ice cream, go figure).

And in case you hadn’t noticed, I posted this without a title, people. Just because the field is there does not mean you have to fill it in. Really.

Looks like my comments are working now. About time. Anyone, please let me know if you experience any quirkiness. Thanks.

September photos of Ashleigh are up on her site. Nothing too exciting, but at least I took some last month.