I am surrounding myself with organizing our bills, the apartment, and my computer. All of course, because even though I’m half-way through my second week of school, I only have one book (for my Monday class), a “hope the check shows up in the mail today so I can buy the rest” mantra, and a quiz tonight.

I DO NOT do well “just wingin’ it”. While John seems to thrive on such a way, my life is complete chaos and full of hot flashes and a churning stomach when in this situation. I NEED structure, I must have schedules, my perfect stack of textbooks, my pile of notebooks with color coded folders.

My car is in getting the transmission rebuilt (longer warranty and only a tad more than a used one because of COURSE all the shit on my car is unique to that one year), which means John must drop me off and pick me up from class. I HATE relying on other people for things like that. Oh man, I grew up in a household with no car, and even though I hated the monotonous JW meetings with a passion, I despised our need as a family to get rides with others. The waiting around, ready in my damn pantyhose and “good girl” clothes with my book bag, waiting for the doorbell to ring. It drove me nuts that there I was ready, and I couldn’t go, couldn’t leave for the meeting to get it over with and come home. I had to wait.

I want my car back, the check needs to show it’s ass up in the mail TODAY, I want my books, and believe it or not, I want my scheduled time to sit and soak up my boring ass topics, so I can NOT get behind this semester.

I am also still recovering from my near massive panic attack I suffered yesterday morning when I woke up only to discover Ashleigh was NOT inside the apartment. Oh my LORD. Apparently John forgot to lock the door on his way out and Ash had escaped. Luckily, she was just outside the door sitting on the ground, happily babbling away. The thoughts that ran through my mind during those few seconds should never be thought of by any parent. All I could do was squeeze Ash and laugh, knowing she was definitely keeping me on my toes, always the curious one.

Thanks to everyone for your comments and suggestions regarding Ash and her yelling. We don’t have a specific area to place her for time-outs, but we have found somewhat of a solution for now. Telling her we won’t listen if she’s screaming helps a lot, as well as placing her in her room with the gate up. It’s still somewhat of a guessing game, but it’s going a lot smoother than before. Either what we’re doing is helping, or she’s just not having as much fun trying us so.

Ash’s vocabulary is increasing each day, with her two newest words being “food” and “mamma” (for grandma). Of course, she’s a smartass and when I ask her what she wants to eat she says with a smile “food”. Nice to know she has her sense of humor from the beginning. Also, she wowed us last night by responding to our good night loves with “wudaboo” (I love you). Others are right, these times are the best moments of their lives, as she is learning and doing so many things.

Somehow, I made it through the first week of school. John drove me to and from class each evening because my car needs some work, and I have no books yet as I’m waiting on grant money, but I made it. Granted, I missed Tuesday’s Astronomy class because I went to the wrong campus, but that worked out since the class met again last night.

Psychology, Astronomy, Geography, and American Government. This should be very interesting. For some reason I have yet to figure out, I don’t feel too stressed about this semester. True, I was nearly wiggin’ out about getting to classes on time but that’s me, afraid of walking into class late (yes, still, at age 26). The three teachers I’ve met seem pretty cool, easy to talk to, and ALL have a great sense of humor (a must or my attention is gone relatively soon). I am really appreciating the fact that the only paper I have to do is in Geography, my online course, which is completely manageable for (though I’ll probably put it off as usual).

I learned the past year that my memory from high school is no longer in existance. I discovered that if I am to do any reading I need to do it the night before or day of my class or it’s like I never read. Long-term memory, what the hell is that?

I’m sure I’ll find something to bitch about (like the white trash woman in my Astro class that needs to shut the hell up, it’s astronomy, not philosophy), but I’m hoping it’ll only be topics, not work load. And no pyscho trips into hell due to extended Lithium withdrawals, because I have enough refills to last until the new year. Whew. I can actually do this. Only three more years to go.

It’s been a long, hot and frustrating day. And the ants have moved in. Ugh. The wait until the Tuesday “death to ants” appointment is going to be pure suckage. Tiny ass fuckers where coming out of our garbage disposal. Completely not fair.

But the cashier at the 76 down the street were smiling and gave me some free soda a bit a go, so at least the day is ending on a good note. I’ve been eating well and doing my regular walks all week, so figured I deserved my Sour Cream and Onion Lays and some Code Red. Funny, it was a bit too sweet for me after a week of diet crap, so of course it didn’t taste as good. That’s just not right.

Now, a question for all the parents how there who are dealing with or have raised their toddlers. What the hell do I do when all Ashleigh does is scream? Not whine, that I can deal with and manage, but this constant screaming is killing me. I thought I had it figured out, as the walk calmed her down, but no, halfway through, she was screaming again. Over stupid shit, wanting food and water that happened to be in her lap! It was so frustrating and my tolerance level so low I just wanted to leave her in the stroller on the sidewalk. Gah, of course I didn’t, but aaaaugh.

I try to ignore her, not give her the attention she’s supposedly aiming for and it doesn’t work, she just gets louder, or if she’s in her room, she throws things. Anyhow, I’m sick of the Parenting and Parents mags and their attitudes, so I’m asking you guys. My mom just says “sounds like you when you were a kid” and leaves it at that. Thanks, Mom.

Every minute isn’t so tragic with Ash. We spent a good out at the pool this afternoon, and I had such a pleasant time. No annoying ass kids jumping over and on us, always a bonus. She swam the majority of the time, though we had to keep her from leaving the pool (always wants to head to the hot tub, even during the day). Ash is such a water baby, floating on her back while showing off her toes, or swimming from the stairs to John, to me again. It amazes me how well she can swim and move within the water, as such a young age, so tiny it seems. One of these days I’ll remember to take pictures at night, when it’s so calm and beautiful out.

I’m off to bed before midnight for a first this week. I can only hope they fix our A/C tomorrow, or the positive attitude will be difficult to retain.

There is something so relaxing and calming about watching Harold and the Purple Crayon. Maybe it’s his ability to draw whatever he needs, or maybe it’s Sharon Stone’s narrative voice. Either way, I believe I am enjoying this more so than Ashleigh, lost in my own little dream world.

Funk. I’m in another funk, also known as rapid-cycling, moody-ass momma who stares at the screen until all to be heard is a steady hum and then she races around the apartment doing everything but nothing at the same time, frantic to keep the pessimistic buggers out of her head.

The demons have visited me this weekend, my dad, childhood, struggles, anger, defiance, helplessness, determination, the two headed twelve-horned (no thanks to years of JW Revelations analogies) beast wagging it’s pointy tongue at me.

I am so frightened of the possibility Ashleigh will become bipolar or is already. I am trying not to freak out and imagine what isn’t but it’s there. Will she become obsessive, a perfectionist in every aspect of her life, even Matchbox cars? She reminds me so much of me and it scares me. Now is when I want her to have her father’s attributes. She has my hair, my pug nose, but please, spare her my hell.

I’m exhausted, but can’t sleep. My stomach is grumbling, requesting sustenance, but I refuse it. That would require getting up out of this chair, and then who knows what I would find to do, to put away, to clean, to wash, to throw because it’s not placed as it should be.

I shouldn’t be drinking Mike’s right now, but at least it’s not Vodka or Jack or Dreyer’s. Self-medication bad, I know, alcohol bad with meds, I know, but caffeine just fucks me up even more, dehydrating me. My drug of choice, legal. Heh.

We made our last trip from the old apartment to this new one, today. Tossed the last few flattened boxes, dumped the moldy green beans down the disposal, and did the best half-assed cleaning job I could do in this deflating weather. Inspection is on the 19th, and considering the place looked pretty crappy when we moved in, I’m not doing anything else unless they say we need to. I will miss Murrieta, but definitely not that complex.

Tomorrow John will teach me how to drive a stick shift. Well, he’ll attempt. I don’t exactly have much confidence in my ability to learn the procedure considering I get all flustered and phooey when the damn fan blows my papers, let a lone a obnoxious toddler screaming in the back of a vehicle. Should be interesting.

Just took a five-minute break, leaned back (still haven’t left the chair), and enjoyed the non-white walls in this new place. I have never been so pleased with an apartment as I have this one, and even though it’s not a house, I dream of the many things to buy to make it our home. One day, a grill, a patio set, a ride-on for Ash, a couple large area rugs for her room and our dining room/office, some bubble bath to finally enjoy the scrumptious oval tub. Simple pleasures, really.

Eh, the contacts are protesting, so it looks like I must give in and leave this chair. Might as well, pee and go to bed after that, even (and take meds, I know, I know, don’t need no more babies and rapid-cycling without a bike).

Before I forget, a few pictures of Ash were uploaded recently. Not many for July as this relocation made life somewhat chaotic and the camera as a paper weight.

Last thought: Yes, I’m aware there are such things as Extended Entry and “read more here” links. I just happen to despise those features and feel that if I have something worthwhile to say I’m not going to hide the damn thing. So enjoy the long post of multiple paragraphs without having to click a second time. On me this time.

Okay, so I’m not completely bored, it’s just the lack of John’s presence which has left me feeling pretty lost. I remember thinking I need a break from John, since we’d been arguing lately, but now I realize it wasn’t him I needed to be away from. It’s the moving. Like when we were putting up shelves while I was pregnant, the tension everywhere, and I’ve been a hell of a lot snippier. Ugh, I hate that.

Seems to have died down and not be an issue anymore, but we’ll see when John is back on Thursday. His company flew everybody to South Carolina for this product info, team building, strategy week, plus, they’re giving him Friday and Monday off for a four-day weekend. Nice. Heh, and he’ll be returning with lots of tools, a hand vac, and have his truck delivered shortly thereafter.

Until then, I just wait. Like I mentioned, I’ve been doing some scrapbooking, but that’s been difficult with Ash curious in everything but her toys (hence why it took four hours for a page last night). Now, when she grabs or does something she’s not supposed to and gets in trouble, she runs away, holding whatever toy up to her ear calling “daddy, daddy”. I think I want John home more just to shut her up.

My tolerance level is much higher, though, thanks to an increase in meds. Finally, the little shrunk of mine believed me. Sadly, I feels it’s only because I had John tag along on the appointment. Now, he knows why I don’t like the guy, AND I have the approval to take more (we’re up to 1200mg, the level I recall working just peachy when I was in Seattle, going to the UDub, but of course the fucker didn’t trust my memory). Anyhow, I don’t have to see the lil twit anymore because I moved out of his area, and I swear, anyone could be better than that mumbling asshat.

One thing I’ve noticed the past few days is my cleaning habits. Or shall I say the “who the fuck cares” cleaning. Seems that all those times I was stressing about keeping the apartment clean and thinking John really cared if the clothes were in one pile instead of four, or dishes in the dishwasher instead of on all surfaces were all pointless. I’m not sure what part of me forgot he could live surrounded by trash or clothes and it wouldn’t faze him; after all, he was once a bachelor. Why the hell I was creating ulcers I have no idea, but thank god I figured this out before I had a damn heart attack. Of course I’m going to clean, it’ll bother me before it’ll bother John. But I’m not going to worry, fret, or concern myself over where the laundry is sitting (as long as it’s not wet), nor how fast dishes are collected. No shit, they’ll get cleaned, but I realize Ashleigh and her dad deserve more time with me, and I need more time with them. That, and I’ll be starting classes in a couple of weeks and there won’t be time to stress about anything but school.

Now, excuse me while I go make myself a margarita and enjoy some time to myself on the first night in over a week Ash has fallen asleep before 10PM.

There is a list of things to talk about, and hopefully I will be able to do that sometime today. A new layout is up on Nifty Scrappin’. I managed that one in less than two hours, a record for me, though I suppose I was making up for the four hours I spent on a different one last night (will scan eventually).

For a while now I’ve been wanting to learn PHP but I’ve been afraid. Silly, I know. Well, I found some help from the MT forums about portal pages and it took me just a few minutes to set up my main page for including my most recent Panacea, AKA, and Scrappin’ entries. Not too shabby.

Now I just want to read and learn some more, even though I have no clue what I need to know PHP for. But I’ll find something, I’m sure.