Somehow, I made it back home. So, I’m here, but I’m sick, of course. I’ll have oodles to say once my eyes stop watering and my nose stops running. Oh yes, and pictures. I’ll have those, too.

Today is hopefully going to be non-stressful. That is if I stop thinking about the awful idea of carrying Ash on my lap (hoping for an open seat big time). Anyhow, we’re heading off to the gym in a few, then a MOMS Club BBQ, and then home to relax before driving to the airport. Wish me luck! I’m looking forward to just picking up our rental car and crashing at my parents’ tonight. Without any hiccups is preferred.

I might have some chances to get online, but not much. So, be back in a week. Take care everyone!

Recently I mentioned a site design I was working on, and I finally had the time to complete it a couple days ago. Now I don’t claim to be the best, but I’m proud of the MOMS Club redesign (very perky), and my Living Bipolar ring (made for school, keeping it up in case anyone out there desides to join). I’ve also done a bare bones one-pager for a friend of a friend, a challenge for me since it was supposed to be girlie. Yeah, from miss simplicity, there’s pink, flowers, and buttlerflies. Who’d of thunk.

Anyhow, just a note on what I’ve been doing lately when I’m not busting my ass at the gym or keeping my daughter out of mischief. Now if I could just get some more paying customers I’d be good to go. For now, looks like I’m stuck with maintenance fees, which is better than nothing.

Forty-eight hours and I’ll be in Seattle. I am trying so very hard to not wig out, but the thought of a full flight with no opportunity to use the car seat is a pretty scary thought right now.

And John most certainly will. Two weeks ago his current fuckwad of an employer messed with him, and now they are pissing their pants because they have lost the best man they could have. That’s right, my man starts a new job on the 30th, with a company truck, gas card, and other goodies, so now the previous asshats will soon be out of our lives.

It has taken great restraint to keep from talking about this opportunity, but the last thing I wanted to do was jinx it. Considering he sent off his resume yesterday, interviewed today, and was offered the job tonight, I think he’s off to a damn good start. I am so excited and happy for him I cried happy tears today, something I’ve never done except for when Ash was born. It’s about time life turned upward.

Sigh. I just found the perfect toddler bed set for Ashleigh. A handmade Rolie Polie Olie bedding set. We don’t even have her toddler bed yet, but man, this is just what I wanted.

Okay, so I think I like Rolie Polie Olie more than Ash, but still. This is so much better than Blue, Dora, or Power Puff Girls since Ash doesn’t even know they exist. I’ve seen a Clifford set, but she has a big fluffy stuffed Clifford, and I don’t want the overkill.

Silly, I know, but I’m keeping an eye on this seller’s items for when we do have money and the whole neighborhood isn’t bidding at the same time.

ARGH, sometimes it is very frustrating not having extra money around for times like this. Okie dokie, heading to the gym now.

At least she’s not in that annoying baby float anymore. Didn’t take long to figure out she was ready to move on when she was attempting to climb out of the damn thing. So we picked up some arm floaties. At first we thought they were too cheap to work, but yesterday Ashleigh finally learned to relax in the water and she’s doing great.

Technically she’s not swimming, but for an 18 month old, not bad all. She has floating down to an art, but has also realized that kicking will get her everywhere. Before we left the pool today Ash was just beginning to guide herself with her arms.

This is such a cool thing. Anyone there could see John and I just ready to explode with pride. Ashleigh is so determined, she just glares at the other kids splashing her and turns the other way. I’ve never seen a kid chill like she does. Amazing.

I finished a recipe swap this morning, my first one. Not exactly what I wanted to do, but I didn’t have the energy to do anything else. Banging eyelets for an hour was enough, thank you.

http://www.niftyfingers.com/scrappin/index.htm

(still messing with my Nifty Scrappin’ area)

A quick note to let all those out there with Wanderlust images and links on their site that it is no more. Didn’t seem like anyone noticed, so thought I’d bring it up.

Okay, any of you reading this happen to be in Canada? If so, I will PAY you to send me down some 222’s. I can’t believe I didn’t even think about that earlier. Now that shit works. At least they did a few years ago when I had somewhat easy access to them. It’s sad, but I am considering taking a trip across the border when I make it to Seattle later this month. Not sure if I feel like making the drive, though. Ah, but the relief…I’m still thinking about it.

We’ve been scrambling around here, finding anything and everything to sell for a few bucks. The other day we went through our CD’s and decided to get rid of just about all of them. It was hard to decide, because it seemed as if each album had a distinct memory linked with it. But that is how I hold my past inside, with music. To some it’s smells, photos, special items, for me it’s music.

I need music. It gets me going during a workout, pumps me up while cleaning, and pulls me up when I’m falling. To put it bluntly, all the shittiness of my life has been survived only with my friend, music. I sing along when no one is around, loud, and proud, not giving a crap. It’s the words that someone else wrote, that somehow say just what I’ve been thinking. It’s the CD playing in the truck that I’ll never forget, and the weekend I’ll always remember. And it’s the Dennis Leary case, flying across the room in anger, a wonder it still works today. I find it difficult to enjoy some of my favorite songs at times, as negative history come with them, but I don’t let it get to me too long. I still savor what I can. I am unable to forget what I’d like to erase, but at least the music can be heard and I can sing; eventually it just fades, behind vellum.

I finally realized I didn’t have to live without all my memories and their sidekicks and started ripping each and every last one of them today. Mm, Better than Ezra, senior year, moving to Virginia, leaving that hellhole, luckily leaving someone unworthy behind. Collective Soul (Hints & Allegations), my first job, my very own psychopath stalker, my will to survive. Indigo Girls (Swamp Ophelia), oh, such vivid images, and just from written words; Paula Volsky’s “Illusions” engulfed me on my bus rides, I remember Adam (where are you buddy?), eating at the Pancake House after work and school, doing my shorthand homework.

Megadeth, “I’ll get even” was and still is the song I blast when I’m pissed, when I want to scream and throw everything in site. When I hate the world, myself and everything about everyone. I can get pretty dark and unreachable but never so much I can’t find reality.

Okie dokie, I need to find the albums from the good days, the non-psychotic-induced-days. Looks like They Might Be Giants it is. Much better now.

I’m a bit off right now, so should probably head to bed. Most likely I’ll lay there and toss and turn for at least an hour, but at least I can close my eyes. Time to go piss out the kid sized Gatorade I downed after the gym. I leave you with a favorite song which has been running ’round and ’round in my mind the past few days. I could sing for hours, so therapeutic.

It makes sense that it should happen this way
That the sky should break, and the earth should shake
As if to say: Sure it all matters but in such an
unimportant way
As if to say:

It makes sense that it should feel just this way
That you slowly fade and yet still remain
As if to say: Everything matter in such an invisible way
As if to say: It’s O.K.
Fly…away

“Fly Away” - Poe

I kicked some ass tonight at the gym. Oh yeah. Of course, that means I’m wired and no where near going to sleep but who cares. Another pound down.

I’m also pretty pumped up because someone came up to me and asked lil’ ole me how I went so long on the cardio machine. It’s a big deal to me because here was some skinny (okay, not bones, looks just how I want to look, lol) woman looking at me like I knew something. I told her it was hard, and I either have to have music, or a book to read to keep me preoccupied. What I didn’t say was how difficult it was because every minute it hurts; didn’t think she needed to know that.

So we chatted a bit while using the abduction and aduction machines (is it wrong for me to feel smug about my 100 pounds and she only used 30?) Her boyfriend finished cardio and they started working out together on the machines. Or, shall I say, they attempted to. The poor people didn’t know what to do. Silly me, of course I stepped in and explained that if the one chest machine was hard, try the Nitro, since it was pushing forward, not up, and blah blah blah.

It felt so damn good to know what I was doing and to have someone else ask for and accept my help. She even admitted to working out at night because she doesn’t want others to see her. Dang, I thought only us fat people thought that. Wow. Anyhow…they were pretty cool. I managed everything tonight and felt better than I thought I would. Now, off to a much needed shower.

In case you hadn’t heard, there’s a weight loss competition going on and it’s all happening over at The Biggest Losers in the Blogosphere. As you’ve read, I’m already losing some weight and participating in this is just one more incintive for me. As if Ash, being healthy, and plain feeling better isn’t enough.

I am a competitive person, so it will be interesting to see how this either helps or hinders my progress. Good luck to everyone!

Eh, doing better. At least I’m not in such a crankyass mood today. John is at work, but luckily he’s working locally and not in the the desert or Orange County, so Ash and I are just passing time. Ash is camped out on our bed watching Monster’s Inc. and I’m taking a break from a redesign at the moment. No plans for the rest of the day, but we’ll probably hit the park in the late afternoon and I’ll most likely take some pictures. SSDD.

We made a trip to the gym last night, even though I felt like crap. The only thing that got me out the door was the thougth of using the hot tub, but I’m glad I went. My twenty minutes cardio did wonders. Even though it wasn’t my usual thirty, it warmed me up and loosened my joints enough to lessen the pain. Some ab work and a try at a different back machine and it was off to the pool.

Aaaah. Damn I needed that. After some laps we hung out in the hot tub for a while. I would’ve stayed longer, but at last, I had to get ready and pick up Ash when the Kid’s Klub closed at 9pm. The trip was so worth it, and I actually came home feeling rested and slept well.

Of course, my wrists hurt like hell this morning, big surprise there. But John helped me out with Ash and surprised me with breakfast, so I was able to rest the hands, and they’re doing much better now. I’m even back to normal typing speed, something I haven’t been at for days.

Ashleigh is amazing me everyday. I remember someone telling me the difference between 17 months and 18 months is huge, and man, they weren’t kidding. Not only is Ash talking more, but we can understand her, and she understands us. She still loves going on walks with me, and she has a ball at the Kid’s Klub (walks in like it’s her own room, lol). She’s also pointing at things, asking for help (instead of throwing a fit), and climbing, climbing, climbing. My favorite thing is when I’m talking to John on the phone and she waves and says “hi, daddy”. And right now she’s jumping on the bed and waving at Boo “hi, hi, hi”.

It’s things like that which make it easier to be the mom I need to be for her. No shit, it’s tough, but she’s my monkey, and all little monkeys need the best mommy they can get.

I’m not exactly in the greatest mood this morning. More accurately, I’m in a pretty pissy way and fear for anyone who crosses my path relatively soon.

First off, let me explain how difficult it was for me to get up, get myself dressed, get Ash dressed and get out the fucking door by 8AM. It was hell. I’m not talking about inconvenience, I’m mean it was a hellish time, trying to ignore and get past the serious pain I was (and still am) in. Yesterday was even worse, but let’s just talk about today.

Okay, so it’s hurts to walk. Literally, every step I take sends jolts of pain up my legs. Pushing up off the floor just to get up sends even more pain and spasms. Taking Ash out of her crib was an event as I didn’t even have enough strength in my hands and wrists to pick her up. I had to convince her to come closer and lean into the crook up my elbow, the only part of me that wasn’t screaming. Of course, getting her into the high chair is easier, but still difficult as I am limited by my lack of strength. She ended up nearly falling into the seat as I had no grip and control.

Getting dressed. *snort* Yeah, that was fun. Try putting a bra on when you have no grip, or strength in your hands, and your wrists just flop back and forth. Tying my shoes didn’t go too bad, but they were lose because I was unable to really tighten them. Getting Ashleigh changed and dressed was chaos, as I didn’t even have the strength to hold her down and she kept running away from me.

But even with all that hassle, with all the pain, I got us out the door and at our meeting spot for our walk. There was NO phone call to let me know she wouldn’t be walking, so, silly me, I assumed she’d actually be there. And I waited; I waited ten minutes, considered heading home without walking, but decided to walk.

Home, I realize that because I waited around that ten minutes, I would never make it to playgroup on time. You know, because I just can’t pick up all my shit and go like some other people.

So I called to cancel playgroup because I just couldn’t make it, and I find out she’s not even going to be there because her and another mom are doing something. What the fuck?! Last time I checked this was a playgroup, we meet EVERY Friday at 9AM. Oh wait, that’s right, this is the woman who doesn’t know how to actually live up to what she says. She is constantly canceling, even though plans have been made in advance, and it’s always some lame-ass excuse “I’m going to my moms”. Well, shit, can’t they wait another two hours? It’s not like you don’t see them every fucking week!

Earlier this week I didn’t get a call from her until AFTER she and that other snatch were on the way to the fucking zoo. Thanks for asking if I wanted to go, thanks for not giving a shit about how I have to plan things differently than most because of the oh so minor inconvenient pain.

When it comes time for John and I to move, either Florida, or wherever he gets a job, I’m gone. I used to think I’d miss the friends I’d made here but obviously I haven’t made any at all. People suck.

Note: In case you didn’t know my history, this pain is from my osteoarthritis that I’ve had since I was twelve. And please, no “you can get medicine” crap, because I can’t, since I have no insurance, and before you say “there’s public health insurance” I say not in my case because even though I don’t fucking work apparently MediCal thinks I’m not poor or minority enough and doesn’t wish to approve me. So I have Advil. That’s it. G’day.

A good chunk of one dresser drawer holds stuff I wore before pregnancy and well, haven’t been able to wear since. Until today. It is such a good feeling to fit into my sexy bras again, especially since they’re the most comfortable of them all. Now, my workout bras can be used for just that, working out. This is a very, very cool thing.

I am so frustrated. No, frustrated doesn’t even begin to come close to how much I want to rip the heads off of some people.

John is my support, he’s my stronghold, he keeps me as sane as I’m going to get and he reminds me nearly everyday that “things will work out”. So when I see him upset, see him weaken, I am lost and I am in pain. And I do only what I know to do and that is become furious. How dare someone fuck with John? How dare such a peon of a brain treat him as if he is shit when John is so much greater and better than them? John busts his ass for these people, he looks good when he goes to work, he works more than the standard eight hours, he saves that white ass of his boss multiple times a week, and he has proved himself beyond what is needed in the last year.

I am so pissed and I can’t do a damn thing about the situation so I’m straining. Struggling from calling up the penny hugging bastard and telling him what I really think of him. Yeah, an $80 check might not mean much to that selfish goat, but it sure as hell means a lot to us. It feeds our fucking daughter, it buys lunches, and it puts gas in the truck that takes John to work so he can be underappreciated yet another day in the life of shitty-suckie-suckie job.

Soon as my butt returns from Seattle I’ll be getting a job. If I have to step down to $10 and hour so be it. This is so not right, and John deserves much better. The least I can do is drop my fears of working and make John’s dreams come true for once.

I have a shitload to say, but I am going to do my best to calm down before I attempt anything. But before I do, one thing: When people are in a crappy situation, having a hard time, are depressed, or something happened to them, the LAST thing they want to hear is “been there, done that”. SHUT THE FUCK UP. If that’s all you have to say, just keep your piehole clamped shut and learn how not to say anything if you don’t have anything useful to say at all. Minimizing someone’s life is not the thing to do. A simple “I’m here if you need me” or “I hope things work out” will suffice just fine, thank you.

Just wanted to make a quick one to wish John a happy birthday. He thinks he’s old, turning 30, but I just snort at the thought. I told him “you’re only old if you act old” and I believe it. Considering he makes me feel young, he isn’t going to have any problems.

I’m looking forward to doing the celebrating at Hooters tomorrow; boobies, curly fries and hot hot hot wings. Mmmm mmmm!

Am I lucky or what? A good man, an even better dad. Happy Birthday, John.

I am in complete mania right now, unable to sit still, trying really hard to fight the urge to whip out the Simple Green and clean the kitchen and bathroom. Back from the gym a half hour ago, I need a shower, but if I’m going to do a non-stop cleaning fest I might as well wait until I’m done. And boy do I want some Gatorade right now but I don’t think I have enough change to pick a cold one up.

Aaaaah. School is done (yeah, I know, I already said that yesterday), and after waiting in line forever I am now considered a California Resident, had the BOG Waiver approved, and was able to register for my Fall classes. Right fucking on.

I have a feeling I’m experiencing this high due to my workout tonight. See, a few trips ago I discovered that it was pointless to bring my radio to listen to while working out because there is NO reception, seeing as how the gym is in the building next to a radio station. Go figure. And since the only station they have on the TV’s there is CNN, I had to bring some music in. I brought in my Smashmouth CD last night, and while it’s all full of pump, it got old real quick. So today I burned a CD and it definitely did the job. I only listened to half of it tonight while doing cardio, but can’t wait to listen tomorrow. Beats the retarded muffin music that oozes from the gym speakers. Woo hoo!

Now this is going to give away some of those “guilty pleasures” by posting the title list, but here goes:

• “Lose Yourself” - Eminem
• “Stronger” - Britney Spears
• “Everybody” - Backstreet Boys
• “Wasting My Time - Default
• “Where the Blacktop Ends - Keith Urban
• “Who’s Your Daddy?” - Toby Keith
• “Do Without” - Blanket
• “When I’m Gone” - 3 Doors Down
• “19 Something” - Mark Willis
• “Run to the Water - Live
• “Hero” - Chad Kroeger
• “I Don’t Have to Be Me (’till Monday)” - Steve Azaar
• “I’m With You” - Avril Lavigne
• “Home” - Staind
• “What a Beautiful Day” - Chris Cagle
• “Chrome” - Trace Adkins (this song makes me sooo horny, it’s a shame John doesn’t like Country, though he still gets the benefits)
• “Got You Where I Want You” - The Flys (side note, the first MP3 I ever downloaded)
• “Dumb Girls” - Lucy Woodward
• “Bring Me to Life” - Evanescence
• “Anyway” - Dynamite Hack (the more mellow version of this song by Emily Kate is a good one, too, just not workout material for obvious reasions)

Now, to make some more. I do believe these workout CD’s are going to be the key to keep the cardio up and kickin’. The hardest part is narrowing down what songs to pick.

La lalal la laaaaaaaaaa. My toes will not stop dancing to the music in my headphones.

Hard to believe Ash is already 17 1/2 months old. Wow, those months went by quick. The first picture is of her at 6 months, the second is from this last month. What a difference, but still the same spunky girl. I know, same swimsuit from last year, but at now it’s not big on her, fits just right.

This last week we picked up some arm floaties and Ash has been doing really good kicking and staying up in the water. Most of the time she holds on to my swimsuit with one hand and then kicks and swims. I’m sure she’ll get it down eventually, but at least she loves the water. These days it’s the only thing to cool us down in this Southern California heat.

So, of course, there are May photos, most of them outdoors. She is growing way too fast for me, but that is okay. I look forward to taking her to the wading pool at Green Lake in Seattle, and showing off my lil’ monkey to everyone.

Finally, I am free from school…for another two and a half months. I am proud of the work I did in my javascript and info design classes. In fact, I have a new love, Director. Hard to believe I was so afraid of it at the beginning of the semester, and now I have a blast typing Lingo and working with sprites.

Things are going pretty good right now, especially without the daily stress of school. I even took a whopping three hour break from the computer today to watch The Wire, and then Life Or Something Like It on HBO. Considering I was beginning to hate my computer, the break was very much needed. I even went to the gym (just got in), and so far I’ve lost 12 pounds in the last month. And that’s with a trip to Chili’s for some Chicken Crispers!

I’m looking forward to my trip Seattle, but at the same time I’m trying not to stress about having the funds to rent the car and eat while up there. Yeah, John says “it’ll work out” but the thought of lugging Ash, stroller and bags around Seattle on the busses is not very appealing. I have become somewhat spoiled with my 15 year old car that looks like it went through a bug forest. Yes, I still walk on a daily basis, but because I want to, not because I have to catch a bus. Much different.

I suppose this is the damn eustress my Healthy Living book wouldn’t shut up about. Good stuff…but stressful at the same time. Better than distress, I imagine.

Totally off tune, I am looking to sell my “Blue” painting that you see to the right on this layout. The image you see is only a partial of it, a full shot can be found here. I can take a picture of it soon as I get the camera in my hands, as the full shot cuts off her hand on the shoulder. Anyhow, if you are interested in the painting (acrylic on 12×16 canvas), please email me. Also, with no school at the moment, I have plenty of time to do any personalized portraits as well. You know, just in case you were thinking about it.