I’m a bit sore today, but at least in a good way. My arms are nice and tight, but they’re not hurting, which is a very good thing. See, while I was slightly ticked I only lost one pound in the past two weeks (walking every day even), I made up for it by increasing my upper body weigts by five pounds.

It is a wonderful thing to realize what used to be difficult to do two sets of, has become easy. Of course, the first time after increasing my weights I always get a little sore, but I keep reminding myself I’m growing muscle. Big (somewhat, don’t want to look all nasty), strong muscles to help me lift stuff. Yee haw. I busted my ass on the eliptical on Saturday so my thighs and calves are feeling nice and tight, a feeling I thrive on.

Ashleigh is thriving, very much so, and last time we weighed her at the gym she finall reached the 21 pounds mark. She has discovered the tantrum and utilizes it often, and will not stop moving or getting into everything. Man oh man is she keeping me busy! With all she’s doing lately, she has made me a very proud mamma, especially last week. I’ve been doing the ASL sign for “more” for the past month, but she finally started using it on Thursday. Very, very cool. Now, she does “all done” and “more”, two very important signs for us, as it saves me from trying to figure out if she wants more food or just out of her high chair. Now just need to flip through the book and pick a couple more words to use.

To those who are interested, here’s my first try at scrapbooking. I won’t be putting up a cool section like Cheryl, so if you want to see any future layouts of mine, you’ll find them at Pure Sugar Crafts Forum

ADDED:

Okay, one of the current discussion board assignments for my JavaScript class is frustrating me. It’s not really the assignment itself, but the inability to find what she’s asking for. We’re supposed to find poor, good, and awesome examples of JavaScript rollovers. I have the good, and some awesome, but am having a difficult time with the shitty use of rollovers.

This is difficult, as many people have switched from using JS rollovers to the slick CSS usage. Now, the pickings are few. I’ve tried randlomly looking at Angelfire and Geocities sites, but no such luck. Plenty of tacky mouse trails and overbearing bright-ass collors, but not crappy use of rollovers. Please, I need help here!

Take this as a compliment to my readers that you have well-designed sites I don’t consider crappy, hehe.

Hard to believe today is the mark of three years of doing this journal/blog/psychobabble thing. My first post wasn’t much worth reading then, but I didn’t have anyone to read it but myself, so it served it’s purchase. Originally started so I could show my doc how I was doing, my words have become a part of my life and such I have a difficult time imagining without.

Interesting even more so, I turn 26 tomorrow. I fill out the birthdate field multiple times a month, yet it snuck up and surprised me once again. I remember turning 23. Vividly. 24, and 25 are blurry scenery outside of moving train. It happened, but where the hell it went I can’t seem to recall. Wait, I take that back. I remember turning 24…that’s where Ashleigh came from. The years since then are filled with a pregnancy, birth, and daily discoveries that will never end.

A lot has been on my mind lately, but not in a negative way. The past couple weeks I’ve been listening to my music more often, something I haven’t done for quite some time. Incidently, nearly every song that isn’t a recent one brings back memories. I know some people relate certain smells, objects, or places with events or people. Myself, it is the music that my mind conects with the world around. Most likely this is due to music’s ability to medicate my aches, pains, transitions, and losses more than any pain killer or bowl of gooey ice cream.

Peter Gabriel’s music sent me back to high school, to my friend Jay, someone I have only seen face to face for a few hours. We met while utilizing the ancient community of Prodigy, back in 1992 I believe it was. Back when you had to pay 25 cents per email if you went over the measly allottment. The hours we spent on the phone drove my parents insane, but we continued to talk and share just about everything for those few years. He rocked. Never had I laughed so much in my life. I’m not sure if I ever told him how beneficial our conversations about our dating lives, disfunctional families, school, and music were to me. I can still hear us singing/screaming into the phone “Whistling tunes we’re kissing baboons in the jungle” (Games without Frontiers by Peter Gabriel)

Last I heard Jay Miller was married and with a daughter and still living in or near Parkersburg, WV. From what I recall his parents owned a nursing home, too. If anyone out there knows him, give him a message: Hey buddy, if you’re out there or Googling yourself, I’m looking for you Jay.

“When everything seems planned out
when everything seems nicely planned out
well the human race will come and smack your face”
-How Does a Duck Know, Crash Test Dummies

I dreaded the Puyalup Circuit Assemblies with a passion my whole life, but one year, things became brighter. Then muddled, dull, and very, very complicated. I met a boy, who I thought a man. Mr rebellious, he said what he wanted to say, he had an asshat for a step-dad, kicked my shy self out the door, and introduced me to outgoing, “stop telling me what to do” person. He put up with my wacky family, and became the subject of my first painting. He helped me through some hellish months of stalking and after being attacked. And then we parted. Thank you, Adrian. (Oddly enough John met him while in college and I’ve discovered the two are completely opposite of each other. People separate for a reason)

I wonder how my buddy Jeremy Kerns is doing. He sent me the song “Leaving on a Jet Plane” sung by Beth Hart, a couple years ago when he was leaving to join the Navy. His assignment was the Carl Vincent when I left Seattle, but I’m not sure if he’s still on the ship. I hope not, seeing as it’s in the middle of things now, but if he is, I wish him the best. If anything, he’ll be getting some good photos of the happenings.

We grew up together in the same culdesac type area. His mom always had the flowers in the yard (which I’d picked when they weren’t home), and I remember playing baseball and his back porch serving as second base. Two years younger than me Jeremey was always “the bratty kid I borrowed tape from”, and then he grew up. When he was a freshman in high school our friendship grew, and dammit, I miss it. I remember walking over to his back porch window and telling him and his mom I was moving to Virginia. And wolves…he loves wolves. He sent me that song, and I saw all his wolf stuff he was taking with him. I listen to the song right now and hope all is well. Take some beautiful pictures for the world today, Jer.

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb, that was us, Genevieve and I. Stupid JW “we don’t celebrate holidays so we’re going to pretend a costume party is just as good” party. I think we wanted to go as sexy French maids or stewardesses or something, but of course that never would’ve flown.

So many songs, so many memories. Playing basketball with rocks and our purses (I have pictures, will have to dig them out), her Subaru, walking to Mountlake Terrace High and then calling a cab back home. Heh, we were inseparable. “Cleopatra Queen of Denial”, all Chicago songs, but mostly “Bubba Shot the Jukebox” by Mark Chestnutt brings back a crapper load of good and crazy times. Eventually I became Bubba incarnate, hahaha.

There were a few years we weren’t in contact but thank goodness the missunderstandings were cleared up and we started up like nothing happened. She wasn’t thrilled when I left Seattle last year, but at least there’s email and chatting, and cell phone calls of exclamation upon discovering the Skate Deck had evaporated.

“Bubba ain’t never been accused,
Of being mentally stable.”

That pretty much sums it all up.

Another day has almost come and gone
Can’t imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes I’d like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war

-Jo Dee Messina with Tim McGraw

This is one of the songs that has comforted me through the past few weeks of craziness. The rain came and now, just like the sunny skies outside, the day after the storm is looking good. I even danced around the living room with Ash this morning (at 6:30AM that’s an amazing accomplishment), and giggled and sang without thinking about it.

It may seem weird to some, but when I had my first dose in my hand, I actually hesitated. I know I need the Lithium, but as always, I hate being dependant on someone or something else. It’s something I struggle with constantly, and gradually I’ve leared as long as I have some control in my life, I’ll feel comfortable.

There was also a nagging voice in my head telling me not to take the meds because I knew, just knew my current burst of creativity would fade as it always has when medicated. Frustrating, but something I’ll have to manage I suppose.

I have to commend those who are able to go without medication, as I am not able to myself. I have tried to manage this disorder minus the drugs and it is pretty near impossible, definitely not for lack of want or trying. I miss the days when I could go party or just have fun with a few friends, but then again, there was no control then, either.

I can tell Ashleigh is enjoying having her real mamma back, as she’s more playful and just wants to be around me more. Always a good sign.

The rain was here all weekend and now the skies are brighter than I’ve seen in days, so we’re going to head out for a walk. The rain came, and now it’s gone. I am not afraid of today or tomorrow; time to enjoy “the day after” and move on.

The archives are working now, finally. One should be able to view them by category, month, or their title. I’m still working on renaming the hundreds of entries to have actual titles, but it’s all good now. On to my next project.

Again, glad to be back. Sure feels good to be me again.

We made it to the gym this morning and I kicked butt. I feel so damn good, full of energy, rested, and positive. Sure feels great to be back.

One thing I learned from this last week of being flat-ass broke…I lost four pounds. I ate enough to get myself going, but nothing extra, and wahlah, some poundage is gone. Definitely a good feeling. I know some of that four pounds is muscle, but I hope there won’t too much of it going since I mix the weight training in with cardio. I’m so proud of the strength in my arms and legs, now I just need to tone it down so you can actually see the muscles. Hehe. Can you tell I’m thrilled?

At the family barbeque yesterday Ashleigh manage to accomplish another milestone and I had no idea she was on the way. The first chance she could escape from the adults she ran to the stairs and before I could even get to her she was half-way up them. Damn. We don’t have any stairs in our apartment so I was extremely surprised. I guess it’s one of the skills that are natural. She seems so tiny compared to all the other kids her age, so it amazes me to see her zooming up the stairs with such little legs.

On a slightly different note, is anyone else out there irritated with the kids clothes makers and their inability to size them appropriately? Come on, they should know by now the torsos grow faster than the legs. Apparenlty they don’t care,and I’m stuck having to by size 24 months or 2T for Ashleigh in shirts, yet she’s still in 12-18 months for pants. Another gripe is the lack of simple, solid color shirts. I don’t want butterflies, flowers, or sparkly thingies on Ash’s shirt. Just purple, blue, white even. Thank god for Kohl’s yesterday because all the other stores I tried didn’t have just plain white shirts. Simple concept. I realize they want us to buy more, so they make shirts and pants that have to be worn together, but it’s pissing me off. Don’t even get me started on the non-existent plain white sandals. (Gen, I am dying to get those Saltwaters!)

Time to go fix my archives. I realize they haven’t really worked from the beginning with MT, but I’m actually doing to do something about it now.

Good news…I picked up my Lithium today.

Bad news…the car ran out of gas on the way home.

I’d like to start over please.

Yesterday I was doing pretty good, even managed to fall asleep before 1AM. Yesterday. Today was…hell. Well, the morning was fine, but as soon as I arrived home from the MOMS Club meeting my world smacked into chaos.

Let me just say that to many of you reading the following experiences, you may wonder what the big deal was today. Keep in mind I haven’t swallowed a dose of Lithium in over two weeks. Therefore, I am majorly sleep deprived, extremely short-tempered, irritable, unreasonable, and devastatingly emotional. Add the caffeine withdrawals, which include no less than massive pounding headaches. Okay.

After the meeting I fed Ash, then put her down for a nap. Five minutes later the damn apartment started to vibrate. Boom boom boom boom went the walls, courtesy of our back-to-back neighbors and their very capable stereo.

Less than a minute later Ashleigh was crying. I checked on her and she was nowhere near heading back to sleep. We played in the living room for a few minutes, but Ash kept whining, like she was irritated with something, and every now and then would pat the dining room wall and scowl. Since that was the wall I shared with the boom-heads, I guessed that’s what was bothering her. Bastards.

After a little while longer I ventured out to the other apartment and knocked on the door. Then banged on their door. Nothing. I stomped back to my apartment and called the office. Apparently they couldn’t do anything but put a note on their door. Nitwits.

Back in the apartment, we camped out farthest from the boom-wall. I could tell it was still bothering Ash, and my headache had increased to massive-throbbing-hurting so bad it was making my stomach queasy-pain, I just wanted out of there. Away from the madness.

Figuring maybe some Code Red would at least lessen the headache, I scrounged some coins, put them in my wallet, grabbed the child, and headed out. First, to the mail box, I snatched the damn ads, struggled to keep Ash on the hip since I forgot to put shoes on her (for a two-minute trip, didn’t think it was necessary), and loaded us in the car. Yee haw.

Half-way out of the complex I realized I didn’t have my damn wallet. I sure as hell remembered taking it out of the diaper bag, then placing it on top of the car when putting Ash in the carseat, so I knew what had happened. I left it on the top of the car. Stupid stupid stupid. I swung around the circle-jerk at the entrance and park, find no wallet in the car, none on the roof. Shit. I drove back to my parking spot without seeing my wallet. In the less than one minute it took me to back out, turn the corner and drive a block, my wallet had fallen and someone snatched it up. Asswipe.

I freaked, of course. Lugging Ash on the hip (shoes would’ve been nice at this time) I walked up and down the street looking for my wallet. Nothing. The group of lawnmowers and blowers (snort) looked at me and laughed, chittering in their jabber I didn’t understand and I still swear one of them took it. I gave up, checked the car again, and made a frantic call to John (not sure what I thought he could accomplish over 70 miles away).

The walls were still grooving to the music and I only lasted another half hour. Figuring I could walk up and down the street again and see my wallet, I planned to head out again. Just in case. One problem. Those shoes I had wished I’d put on Ashleigh earlier could not be found. No, one could be found. Feeling panicked (not sure why), I raced around the apartment yelling at Ash “Where’s your shoe? Where’s the damn shoe?!”, looking for the damn shoe. NOTHING.

This is when I started slipping. Not on my ass, but further from sanity and deeper into confusion, feeling lost, helpless, deeper deeper and I was on the floor, crying. I remember cursing at the stupid carpet for being itchy, yelling at the lost shoe, and yelling at Ashleigh. She started crying, and I cried harder, wishing I could just stop and I couldn’t. I don’t remember her crawling in my lap, but she was there, giving me her big, slobbery open-mouth kisses all over my face. Screw the shoe, I had my baby.

We sat on the floor for at least five minutes, leaning against the recliner, sniffling, talking Ashleigh-jabber, and eventually tickling each other.

I called John again, he asked if I was okay and I told him I wasn’t. No point in lying, because the man had to deal with it when he made it home. Eventually, I put Ash in her room with the gate up because I didn’t trust myself, didn’t feel sure enough that I wouldn’t respond or react in such a way as earlier. I crashed on the bed and tried to feel normal, but was unsuccessful.

Hours later, I’m much calmer, but I don’t feel steady or in control. It’s as if I’m one of those tokens waiting to be nudged over the edge by the mechanical bulldozer. Waiting.

A kind lady returned the wallet later in the evening, after someone had apparently discarded it. At least I don’t have to stand in a sweaty line for hours to get another license.

I have lists of things to do, but it’s happening in slow motion. For the past few weeks I have struggled to finish my homework but I reread, rescript, and find my assignment being turned in days late. The ability to compose this lengthy narrative is only from the adrenaline still rushing through my veins. I am proud of a real estate site I’m working on, and anxious to finish a memory book for John’s neice this weekend, but I am still feeling deflated.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a local used children’s store to sell the clothes and toys Ash has grown out of. Hopefully I’ll make enough to buy my Lithium refill, three months of medicated normalcy.

I just spent the last thirty minutes hunting down my mouse just so I could use my computer. So far, the only downside to having a wireless mouse. Add a toddler to the equation and it’s a bit inconvenient. This is the second time I’ve had to go searching for the thing, which is pretty good since Ash is obsessed with it. She used to bring it to me, but apparently that got old quick.

I guess hiding behind the bedroom TV in the corner and not making a sound for twenty minutes while I freaked wasn’t enough to fuck with Momma.

A quick thank you to those who have commented and/or sent me emails of encouragment. It’s been a crazy ride but has finally slowed down to somewhat “normal” for now. I apologize if I haven’t responded to everyone, but I do appreciate your words and they have helped make things easier.

New month, new pictures. Not many, but there are a some February shots up on Ashleigh’s site. Considering we were sick the majority of the month, not bad.

This past week has been pretty hellish, but even when I’m upset Ashleigh manages to keep me going. She is always handing out kisses and hugs, or giving high fives, as if she knows each one helps more than anything. John says she’s starting to look more and more like me and I agree. Not only does she look like me, but her actions mimic mine so much more each day. I keep saying it, but it’s true, she is no longer a baby, but a toddler, a little person of her own. Granted, I’m not enjoying the daily battles we have because she all of a sudden knows what she wants and knows how to say so. But when I tell her to go play in her room and she does, she amazes me more than ever.

She is clueless to our daily struggles, and I am greatful for that. I am so proud to be her Mom and I hope one day she’ll be know how much her Mom and Dad love her.