Our spray bottle of Orange Fantastik sits next to my monitor, as the ants have now invaded my office. I am not thrilled. In fact I am so pissed off at these creatures that I slept in the living room last night, since my computer is on the edges of our bedroom. The damn rain brought these guys out and they’re making my life hell. Three of the other moms in our playgroup are having the same problems with their houses, but it doesn’t make me feel better.

I’m doing okay, sitting in here, though I’m glancing around every couple minutes and spraying any stray ant to death. If it gets to me I might just ditch the computer until Tuesday, or move to John’s if need be. I’m just glad that Ashleigh doesn’t sleep in here anymore or I’d be a freaked out momma (more so than I am already).

Have I mentioned how much I hate ants?

I’m doing a little better, though I don’t quite feel like myself yet. I crashed at 8pm and slept until 5AM this morning, so I finally caught up on some of my sleep. Of course, I woke up with a headache and have had one since, but I’m managing.

Finally, my brain has slowed some and I was able to concentrate long enough to finish my homework. It took twice as long, but at least I didn’t have to reread everything in order to comprehend, like the past couple days.

I’m still experiencing the “leave me alone” funk, and have had to fight the desire to sit in the Lazyboy with the heater on and zone in front of the tv. At time I feel like so many things are happening and I’m in my own little world. Ashleigh was playing with an empty water bottle, and I could hear the crinkle and pop but it wasn’t there, it was out of focus, like the background of a picture. I knew what she had and what she was doing, but I was looking elsewhere and my mind was thinking “what is that noise, where is it, why won’t it be quiet, it’s annoying”. When I finally looked at her and she held the bottle out to me I knew what it all was, but it was way too weird for me.

The damn ants are back and now they’re in our bathroom. Of course I freaked out, running around the bathroom spraying cleanser on them, my pitiful crying going on. Ugh. And I have to wait until Tuesday for the bugkillers to come out and spray. Nothing like a constant itchy, crawly feeling to keep a panic on the surface.

Just two more days of this, or maybe less if the intensity of withdrawal fades. I remember (now) how I went through this a couple years ago, but I don’t recall how long it lasted or what I did. At least it’s stopped raining.

Not exactly something I want to admit, but we’re so broke right now we can’t afford my Lithium refill. Shelves are stocked (somewhat) of food, and John has gas money for work, and I just ran out of Lithium a couple days ago.

One may not think this too much of an issue, and I’ve already been told by someone “oh, just wait, you’ll get your meds, start taking them again, no biggie”. Um, yeah. Wish it were so easy. Similar to some anti-depressants, and what many doctor’s and drug companies fail to disclose, there are some serious withdrawals symptoms when you stop taking Lithium. If I had remembered this, and if I had realized ahead of time and noticed I was running low, I would’ve spread my last week’s supply out.

I am so completely drained. The past week I have been unable to get a decent night’s sleep (six hours is all I’m asking, really), thanks to the sudden insomnia that has taken over. The worst part, it’s not even a productive one, where I can work on sites, work on homework, clean, whatnot. It’s a frantic, panicky feeling that just won’t go away until I collapse with exhaustion around 2 or 3 in the morning. I’m unable to concentrate on anything, and when I do read a book, I have to reread everything a couple times.

Then there’s the crying fits for no reason, for stupid reasons, and constant. My patience is non-existent with Ash. And it kills me when she’s looking at me puzzled, because I’m crying, when two seconds before I was tickling her and laughing. I feel like I’m going crazy. I’ve been told in the past that it’s all in my head, and lately I wish it was. I try so hard to stop all this, to force myself to go to bed, to stop crying, to feel sane, but it comes right back again.

It’s times like this when I realize and despise my need for Lithium. I hate being dependant on anything, but it’d be stupid to struggle without it. Damn, give me caffeine headaches any day of this crap.

You know what I hate? I hate it when a program insists I’m doing something wrong when I know I’m NOT doing it wrong because I’ve done it zillions of times before. What I hate even more is when I throw a hissyfit because I just want to throw the computer instead and usually end of throwing my cordless mouse, and then John tells me to just restart the computer and everything will be fine. And then I restart the computer and everything is fine. Damn it, everything is fine. I hate it when he’s right.

Ash has been saying some words for a bit, but this week she has said more and her pronunciation even clearer. I mean, shoot, we can actually understand her now. Today, it was faucet. Bath time and I as usual babbly about everything she looks at or touches. I wish I could’ve recorded that because it was way beyond cute.

Then there’s diaper, thank you (when she gives us something back, but not every time), buh bye (or just bye sometimes), bubba (a nickname we gave her), yeah (accompanied by big grin), mou (mouse….when she’s running off with my wireless one) and the sign for “done”. There’s probably more I’m not even thinking of at the moment.

Now if I could just understand her pointed babbles when she’s pissed off at me we’d be good. Ash will definitely not hesitate to tell us her opinion about things, at least that’s what it sounds like, with the tone of her voice and facial expressions. Plus, the babbles are including more sounds that I don’t recall being there.

My baby is growing up and well, isn’t really a baby anymore.

Looks like Ash has the flu that I had hoped we missed out on. Already down two loads of wash and two baths. Yuck. I just want to throw up, the smells make me gag. I can look at nasty stuff, but it’s the smells that’ll knock me down.

At least Ashleigh’s in a good mood, tearing up her room, but a part of me wished she didn’t want to play, so I could have a break. So much for going to the gym this morning.

For those who inquired about my other artwork, some of it can be found in the Graphical section of Niftyfingers. It’s a mix of rough sketches to detailed portraits from the past five years.

Thanks to a manic high a couple years ago I also have three unfinished paintings and a couple drawings waiting to be completed. One day I’ll have them done and will share.

Reading a post on Liz’s site not only pissed me off because of someone’s attitude and ignorance, but it also reminded me of yesterday’s visit to the post office.

Down here in California the place is NOT built for rain. I’ve been cracking up at the weather men on channel 7 who are just about jizzing themselves because they can finally use that Doppler 7000 they tout. Meanwhile, I’m not enjoying the affects this weather has had on John and myself, though I have listened to the rain outside our windows with glee. But, silly me, who obviously wasn’t watching the news or paying attention to the local issues on the radio, decided to head off to the post office to ship an eBay package. (I found out when I got home the recipient was leaving for India for a month so I could’ve waited. Figures.)

No biggie, until I cross Jefferson into “Old Town” (the older, LOWER part of this city). Before I could change lanes, I was driving over flooded roads. For six blocks. The damn fire engine almost got stuck for goodness sake and my little 626 made it. Lordy.

So I finally make it to the post office and park, thinking, cool, tons of spots. Yeah, because other people were smart. I grab my package, step out of my car, and my jaw drops. The post office was literally surrounded by five feet of flood water in all directions. As I’m standing there, looking, scouting for a possible opening (it was so flooded there were waves and if I planned, an area would only be two feet wide), all I could think of was that movie Needful Things. Ya know, the one based on the book, with Ed Harris and an ending with lots and lots of rain and people carrying guns around. Nice.

Not sure why I thought of that movie, other than the rain. Anyhow, I finally catch a wave, hehe, and ship the package. As I’m pulling out of the lot, waiting for an opening on the street, I glance at the next building over. Oh yeah, a gun shop.

Everything seemed to stop and that sloooow down dealio in the movies happened to my windshield wipers and I got a flash of that movie again with some menacing dude in a slicker, snarling, and holding a gun.

There is a gun shop next door to the post office. Oh my lord.

See, there was a point to this. And I wasn’t kidding about that paranoia thing either.

Apparently I’m in a creative mode.

Antonio Banderas, the man, is the one pictured above if you couldn’t tell. Again, a piece I started a couple years ago and just now managed to finish. The original picture had smoke coming out of his mouth, looking ultra cool.

My dumbass sprayed workable fixative on the drawing before I was done and found out it wasn’t quite so workable. I was unable to erase away existing pencil to create the smoke effect, so I just scratched that and finished his mouth the best I could. Not bad, but as usual, not up to my own personal standards. I’ll probably go back and darken some areas and touch it up in the future. Always my worst critic.

I’ll admit I can get pretty paranoid. When it comes to the safety of Ashleigh, or someone breaking into my apartment, my “freaking out” level is sky high. Chalk it up to being stalked as a teenager, or hearing about children taken from their apartments not twenty minutes from me, but if I hear something, or think I hear or see something, I’m screwed. My mind goes wild, and while I attempt the “it’s nothing, try to ignore it” thing, I end up scrambling for my glasses and struggling to see down the dark hallways. My heart races, my head pounds. I freak.

At least last night I had John to go check on things. Part of me hates having to ask him to go make sure the doors on the porch are shut, or to turn on a light, but last night I didn’t give a crap about my pride. So we heard this noise for a couple hours, while we watched Joe Millionaire and CSI: Miami. John checked the doors, shut them, came back. Still heard the noise. Then I thought maybe it was the Coke bottle we have filled with oil from the fryer, since it’d been sucking the air in all day. Dunno. The things you think of when you can’t think.

CSI over, and we hadn’t heard the noise…click click. It was back. So John stands in the hallway with the lights on to “catch” the noise the next time. Anyone wanna guess what it was? Haha, I bet NO one would’ve guessed. The George Foreman Grill was left on from dinner and was clicking loudly. Sheesh. Yeah, the grill’s gonna come and get me. Snort. That’s something ya just can’t make up. Oy.

The good news: the scale said I finally lost 2.5 pounds, plus I was able to increase my arm, chest and shoulder weights by five, and my back weights by ten. Proof the water aerobics classes are doing their thing.

The not so great news: my eyes have been burning all day, and I know it’s from the chlorine. It was so bad I had to pull over on the way home the gym this morning so I could wipe my eyes to see again. I’m not sure how I would’ve dealt if it had been sunny, not cloudy and grey like it was.

On to something else…I finally bought some scrapbooking supplies and am waiting impatiently for them. I know, like I don’t have enough hobbies, but at least I can have some fun with Ashleigh’s pictures. A friend of mine is starting her Close to My Heart business and I am so in trouble. Five minutes to walk to her house to look at the catalog…aaaaah. There are also some stamps I want to buy for making family and holiday cards, but I’ll have to wait until next month. I’m in love with this one snowman and I will get him, I have to; he’s calling out to me.

As you can see, Panacea, as well as the whole Niftyfingers domain, is now wearing a new look. The artwork on the right is a slice of an actual painting I recently finished.

We’ll see how long this lasts, since the blue is already getting tiring.

I am dying to get back in the gym. The past few days I’ve used my ten pounders at home and some abwork but nothing beats sweating in the gym and a refreshing swim afterwords. Maybe I’ll get in tonight, but only if John is home early enough.

Poor Ashleigh is sick again, so I can’t bring her into the Kids Club at the gym. Granted, she’s in a decent mood, but her snot is everywhere and she has a cough this time. It was so sad to hear her coughing throughout the night last night. Broke my heart. And it’s just not right when my baby doesn’t want to play.

Hopefully she’ll be better soon. John is improving from his nasty cold, so Ash should be right behind him. At least I’m not sick with everyone else, though I’ll probably get something as soon as they’re over it. Murphy’s Law ya know.

On another note, anyone know JAVA out there? I must’ve been nutso to sign up for a JAVA class when I haven’t even taken programming at all before. Not even that stuff in high school. Ugh. Scary stuff, and all in two months time. You may read cries for help in the near future.