New pictures of Ashleigh up, month 8, and month 9. It took us a while but we finally managed a couple showing off her bottom teeth, though it took longer to get ones of her crawling. See, she’ll be crawling along, but as soon as she sees the camera, Ash’ll sit up and smile. Great, when you’re looking for that kind of picture, but annoying when you’re actually trying for the impromtu, crawling, look-how-cute-I-am-when-I’m-making-a-mess type shot. She is such a poser.

So I told my doctor that everything was going great. Hah. The first thing I did when I got home was chew John out for something I couldn’t even remember five minutes later. You’d think that a Psychologist would know that when I say I’m doing just spiffy, that yes, at that moment I’m just peachy. The two weeks prior with my ups an downs and all arounds are completely forgotten in my head, just like any one who is bi-polar. When you’re having the grand ole time in mania, all the other shit in your life just doesn’t exist. So of course I told my doc I was doing great.

Now why can’t I have an appointment where I’m experiencing a low, so he really gets to hear how I’m doing? Or why doesn’t he ask me? I dunno. I was just frustrated when I got home, realizing all I got out of that appointment was a prescription.

On a different note, we found out there won’t be any harsh penalties if we break our lease before March. We’re figuring November for a move, but it all depends on this crappy financial aid and what I get. These apartments we’re looking at are just awesome and unlike this place, I would be proud to say I lived there. Three bedrooms, with a gigantic deck, and these really nifty electronic keys. Oh, and an important thing to me, they do criminal background checks on those who apply. Now, I know that doesn’t cover everyone, and my gaurd won’t go down, but that will definitely be a comforting thought. We drooled over this place, so I really hope we can get it. First month free, too.

Anyhow, Ashleigh is now crawling like crazy, though she hasn’t escaped the living room yet. She was sick last night, vomiting a couple times, and dry heaving, but she’s back to her normal spunky self today, thank goodness. I’d say we’ve been lucky, since this is the first time she’s every been sick, and it was only for a couple hours. Not bad.

I made it through my first day of school. Yesterday was a tad crazy, but when class let out at 9:30PM all was good. It felt weird, sitting in a classroom again, my butt numbing on the stool. But at least the one teacher is pretty cool, and he informed us that after the first few weeks, the Wednesday class isn’t required if we can do the work at home. Oh yeah, nothing like having permission to not go to class.

Another class tonight, but at least this time I’ll get there on time. Yeah, I was good ole Alicia and showed up to my first class late. Completely underestimated how many people took evening classes and though the parking lot would actually have parking spaces. Pffft.

On another note, but still part of the chaos, Ashleigh is now crawling. Blink, and she’s under the coffee tables, sitting up, banging her head, then screaming. Blink, and she’s under the end table, grabbing the chords we thought were hidden. Yeah, I’m going to have to be alert now. Phewy. I already miss the days of plopping Ash down, surrounded with toys and her ability to stay entertained for at least an hour. Maybe it’ll take her four months to walk. Really, I don’t mind. I need all the time just to prepare for it.

Dang, my girl is growing just a bit too fast for me. At her checkup today (yes, we’re behind, but chalk that up to Medi-cal’s slow ass way of processing papers and no one telling me I could take Ash in without having to pay), Ash got three shots, weighed 18 pounds 5 ounces, and is now 25 1/2 inches long. Oh yeah, and yesterday, her third tooth came in.

Ashleigh is trying so hard to crawl, yet only succeeds in moving backwards. She loves to stand up, and especially enjoys bouncing on my legs as she tries to yank on my hair. Lately she’s been going down for naps without a fuss and we were beginning to wonder if she was our daugther or not, but I guess she finally figured it won’t get her anything. One of these days I’ll take a picture of her and her little red and white worm, tucked in the crook of her arm. Beyond cute.

Okay, so I let this go the first two times it happened to me, but tonight was it. What the hell is up with grocery stores down here in California blocking the damn aisles so I can’t get what I came to get?! See, I’m used to living in Seattle and the surrounding areas where not only are most stores open 24 hours, when they stock their shelves, they leave room for the customer to shop. Well, apparently, things are different in Cali and I’m sick and tired of it.

Tonight I had to grab a half gallon of milk, along with the other fun items like baby food, shampoo, diet Code Red, and other stuff. After picking up the soda, I made a right into the dairy aisle to pick up the milk. Except there was only about one-third of the aisle open, with the rest of it filled with stacks of boxes. Everywhere. And guess what part of the aisle was completely blocked? Yup, my milk. No, they didn’t even leave a path, just enough room for the two people working on the unpacking of the boxes.

I figured, hey, no biggie, I’ll just ask one of them to hand me my milk. Heh, not so easy. I asked the man “excuse me, could you help me get some milk?” He looks up with a blank stare. So I explain. “The milk I need is blocked by the boxes, could you grab one for me?” Still blank. He then ignors me and starts working on a different item with his back turned.

So I turn to the woman and ask her to help. Finally, something is working up there. “Sure, what do you need?” I explain “the 1% half gallon carton, the green one, with the latest date”. Pause. “Oh, I can’t do that.” What the hell?! “Um, why?” “Well, I can just grab it for you, but I don’t have time to go looking through them to pick one for you.”

Ooooooh, that was it. “Well, if you hadn’t put all your damn boxes in front of the milk aisle then I’d be able to looking through the milk myself. Last time I checked this was a grocery store and let me see if I have it correct. I think you’re supposed to SHOP in the grocery store. So if you won’t let me shop then you better get what I need. And if you can’t do that then you better move your sorry ass and your fucking boxes out of my way so I can do it myself.”

I got my milk.

Keep in mind this was 10:30PM. The store closes at 11:00PM. If you don’t want me to buy any damn groceries, then why the fuck do you keep the store open? I understand the shelves need to be stocked at one point, and yes, possibly, the workers want to get a head start, but shit. Don’t fucking tell me I can’t have something that is on the damn shelf. AAARGGH!!!!!

On a somewhat different note, a lovely “fuck you” goes out to the mother gabbing on her cell phone the 45 minutes we were in the pool with Ashleigh tonight. Not once did she ask her obnoxious sons to stop jumping into the pool just inches from me and Ash. She did nothing when her sons were blocking the exit stairs out of the pool and John had to carefully manuever his way out. Of course, she acted like I was just the worst person in the world when I had to use my left hip to bump her kid’s sorry ass out of my way so I could actually get to the steps. I was so hoping her kids would knock her phone into the water, or better yet, her dumb ass would do it herself. People just piss me off sometimes.

Oh well, I tried. I’m usually not one to follow along with “the new thing” in blog/journaling-dom but the Blog Tree bit sounded interesting. UntiI tried to find the only person I could remember being around when I started, swallowingtacks.com. Apparently they’re not able to list those which don’t exist anymore. Bummer.

But then I started thinking and realized, wait, I started this journal before I read or even knew of the whole “blogging” concept. Back in March 2000, not many blogs existed. I wouldn’t consider any of them my parent, though, especially when the whole concept is that they are supposed to be the one by which you’re inspired. Well, last time I checked, my Psychologist didn’t have a journal online. See, he’s the one that suggested I start a journal to track my moods and how I was doing with my bi-polar issues. I don’t think he had in mind that I would do it online, but it didn’t really matter.

I’m glad he made the suggestion, as this really has become a place for me to heal, to deal with my emotional ups and downs, and really is my panacea. When I created my online presence in 1999 I had no idea how much about myself I would be sharing with the few who stumble upon it. It will be interesting if someone considers me a Parent, though I highly doubt it. From my crazy partying days in the University District, through pregnancy, and now as a new mom, I think I’ve entertained myself more than anyone.

I always wondered how I would be as a mom. Would I be one of the crazed looking, messy hair, constantly forgetting things mom, or would I be the on-track, no probs, I can handle my possessed kid without a blink mom? Well, after yesterday, I’m leaning more toward the first one.

All day long when it came time to find my keys I would dig in pockets, looking in bags, and under cusions, but all I ever came up with was Ashleigh’s set of plastic keys. Somehow I made it through the day, and it wasn’t until this morning when I went to grab my keys to help John that I noticed something. Apparently, after my final trip home last night, these plastic keys had become such a part of my existence, I’d placed them on their own key hook. Right next to mine.

I love my daughter but she is annoying the hell out of me today. While I appreciate Ashleigh’s ability to be a perfect angel when we’re out in public, the sudden switch to hellion at home is not going over well with me. But I have a feeling it’s not all Ash’s fault, and more my irritable way lately.

I’ve been taking my Lithium regularly, and though I’ve forgotten a few here and there, I don’t think that’s why I’m feeling so out of control and unable to stay in "the middle ground". When I switched to taking two at night, one in the morning, my up an down issues lessened, yet lately I’m ready to accuse John of anything, and I’ve felt helpless more often than I should.

This whole school thing, jumping through hoops with the Financial Aid and Enrollment offices is driving me near insane. My appointment with the Dean of Enrollment went over great, until I realized I had to make the first of my payments today. Um, thanks for telling me, guys. So we’re scrambling to find it and may payment by 7PM or else I’ll be dropped from my classes. I just find this so ridiculous, that here I am, SO completely in need of financial aid, and yet I have to wait two weeks to get the damn grant money and loan checks. So in the meantime I deal with the bullshit payment plan and hope to whoever that the aid is in my school account by September before I have to pay another $462. Ugh. I just want to go to school, dammit.

And then there’s more bs with the whole MOMS Club I joined a few months ago. Nothing wrong with the playgroup Ash and I go to every Friday morning, but some of the moms are just annoying me. I dunno, maybe it’s because I usually get along with men, and honestly don’t have much in common with most women out there. It just seems like I don’t have much to say unless it’s about Ashleigh.

I swear, all they ever do is bash their husbands and bitch about those who are working. And when I don’t have anything bad to say about John (really, we have our small issues, but he’s the best I could every ask for, shit, he cooks dinner), it’s as if I become invisible, or they treat me like I don’t know anything, or "that’ll change". And THEN they complain at the group meeting each month how so many members aren’t showing up at the park days or different calendars events. Well, yeah, wonder why.

At the last meeting I finally remembered to bring up the MOMS Club web site I created. I’d done it in my spare time because I had been hit with an idea and also wanted to test new things out. I swear, I barely had the idea of a site of my mouth and I was interrupted and told "Denise is already working on one, check with her", and she started talking to someone else. Can we say how fucking rude? I didn’t expect a great response, because I didn’t know how many moms were online, but for the president to treat me like that I was surprised. I could feel my body shaking and getting warmer when I brought it up, but I just wanted to leave after that.

Luckily, I talked with Denise, we switched emails, and we both sent our ideas to the board members. Oh, yeah, they were surprised that I’d actually researched what was allowed and not allowed on the sites (no actual locations, phone numbers, etc.). Pfft. Just because I’m a mom doesn’t mean I can’t think. ARGH!!!

So maybe I overreacted to the situation, something I’ve been doing lately. It’s just been so hard to remain in the positive mind set. Things are working out for us, but only have a shit load of stress. There’s nothing more that drives me nuts when John tells me not to worry about something, that "it’ll work out", and I have a conniption fit…and then everything works out. Sigh.

I’m beginning to think this is just my mind freaking out about the upcoming changes and I just don’t know how to handle it yet. There was a time when stress in my life meant sleepless nights, crying moments, total feeling of being lost, and the inability to just relax. Then, once I started my meds I could actually handle stress. Stress was nothing. Just another thing in my life that I dealt with and moved right by. Where the hell did that go?!

Not sure where this is going. I just needed to vent and I really feel better now. Going on a two mile walk (our daily routine now), definitely helped cool my off in a sense that I don’t feel like throwing something.

The fact that I designed and rolled out my whole Niftyfingers site in two days is completely amazing, and such is what keeps me going right now. I can do something. Maybe I just need to learn when and what is right at the moment and go from there.

Who knows. I started this post this afternoon, and since then I’ve made the payment for classes, and soon I’ll be able to pick up my books. Finally, I’m going back to school. Heh, and I’m a mommy.

Just in case you couldn’t tell, heh, I’ve put up a new design for Niftyfingers.

For some reason I’m craving a creamsicle, and I hate those things.