For those that have inquired about a picture of my “new” car, I’ve finally scanned a shot. Keep in mind this picture was taken in the Costco parking lot on the way to get the roll developed. Talk about doing things last minute.

It’s not an official name, but in my mind I’ve started thinking of the car as “Cole” (charcoal…coal…cole). Is that normal, to name your car?

If you have the patience to wait for them to download, check out Ashleigh kicking the hell out of her chair toys (16 seconds) and Ashleigh talking to her nutty parents (12 seconds). I apologize for the low volume on the wav file, so you’ll have to turn your volume up a bit to hear her gabbing. It’s worth it, I promise. (Of course, I’m the mom, so I could be wrong in thinking other people actually care about the noises coming out of Ash.)

Not even a week after having a car and I manage to lose the the gas cap. Sheesh. I think I need the doc to up the meds because I nearly lost it and was crying all the way home…because of a gas cap.

I believe I actually have a life now. Last week was spent walking everywhere, including a MOMS Club meeting at the park, and a walk with a new friend. It feels refreshing to get out of the apartment and meet other people. Sure was getting lonely down here without my friends.

The greatest thing that’s happened lately, took place today. John got up at 6 AM on his day off to ride with his dad and a friend to a car auction, eyeing cars for me. And now I have a car. This is my FIRST car, ever. I’ve driven vehicles many times before but they were never mine, nor one I could use whenever, wherever. Talk about being excited. While I’ll still walk to the park with my new friend, or walk to the bank because I’m bored, at least now I don’t have to walk thirty minutes just to get to the bus if I have an appointment.

It’s an ‘87 Charcoal Mazda 626 but is in wonderful shape with only a few scratches on the paint and runs remarkably well. I drove it home from John’s parents’ this evening and am already in love. Finally, a little of my independence has returned.

Here’s the current episode of
Blogger Insider questions from Jen over at Deep
Blue Day.

1. What prompted you to start
a weblog? Is there anything you’d do differently if you had to do it over?

I already had my site up, with my art, poetry, and
other tidbits. When the doctor who was treating me for my Bi Polar disorder suggested
I keep a journal of my moods, I start a blog. I hadn’t even heard of the whole
“blog” idea, and considered it just my wacky way of tracking my crazy days. Heh,
my original title was “Amalgamated Goobers” (another form of Mixed Nuts), but
as I started my Lithium, I changed it to “Panacea”. Seemed more appropriate. I
think the only thing I would’ve done different if I could do it over would be
to let myself write more freely at the beginning. It wasn’t until after a few
months, even more maybe, that I started writing the real feelings and thoughts.

2. Looking back now that you have your little one,
do you think you were ever ready for it? What’s the one thing that surprised you
most?
I really don’t think I was ever ready
for Ashleigh. Especially since I was on birth control because I knew I wasn’t
ready and she was completely unplanned. What was most surprising about the pregnancy
was my moodiness. I was a cranky bitch. Just ask John, lol. About the birth, what
surprised me the most was how easy my labor and delivery was. Twenty minutes of
pushing and she popped out. The most surprising thing about Ashleigh now is how
I can be in the worst mood, angry, sad, whatever, and she will always find a way
to make me smile.

3. What is your favorite
story to tell about Ashleigh so far?
No real
specific one, but I’ll talk about how we "talk" back and forth with
each other. She gets so excited!

4 If you
could vacation in one spot for two weeks, all expenses paid, where would you go?

I would go back to Cancuun, Mexico. The Summer after
I graduated I went there and I fell in love with the place. I just want to play
in the waves and swim in the pools. Oh, yeah, and those scrumptious breakfast
buffets wouldn’t hurt either.

5. What’s your
most embarassing moment?
Egads, there are way
too many of those. No details for your readers, but I’d say the MOST embarassing
moment has to do with me going to the bathroom in a bar, drunk off my ass, and
waking up the next morning at my friend’s apartment. I am not even going to repeat
what happened while I was passed out.

6.
Which medium do you prefer - web or paper?
If
it’s art, definitely paper, or canvas, but if it’s writing, I’d go for web. For
some reason it’s easier for me to express myself a hell of a lot more online than
on paper. Besides, ever since I started using the computer my handwriting just
sucks.

7. What’s the strangest reffering
search result you’ve gotten?
Hard to say since
I’ve had so many odd ones. Most memorable would be "dick shaped speakers".
Talk about a conversation piece.

8. What’s
the craziest thing you’ve ever done? Would you still do it today?
Let’s
just say that the bubble on top of the Smith Tower in Seattle holds two people
in a cosy way. There’s a blue light up there now, but it wasn’t there years ago.
I imagine if I was presented with a similar opportunity I’d do it again.

9.
What’s the last thing that you usually think about before you drift off to sleep?

Either Ashleigh, or what’s on TV. I supposed it doesn’t
help when I fall asleep to the sounds of "FBI Files".

10.
Who has been the biggest influence in your life until now and why?
I
would say my dad, though not in a positive way. He’s the one that taught me yelling
was the only way to communicate, and he sure knew what to say that would cause
me to feel like nothing. He’s been the greatest influence because what I learned
from him stuck with me for years, but I’ve been able to get past it and "become
a better person" as they say. In a round of a bought way I learned how to
control my temper (for the most part, lol), and how to look in the mirror and
realize I am a decent human being no matter what anyone says. I will also give
my dad credit in that he lived a hypocritical life when it came to the Jehovah’s
Witness way. It is through watching him as I grew up that I realized the JW’s
didn’t have "the truth" and I was able to think for myself.

11.
What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?
My three
month crappy job as a Secretary for the Director of the United Airlines Dulles
Reservations office. I worked for a cranky, nasty, smelly bitch who had the nurve
to fire me when I turned down her advance. Blech. Just thinking about it gives
me the cooties.

12. If you could change
anything about your past - but only one thing - what would it be and why?
I
would sing in chior during junior high and high school. Singing makes me happy.
I only joined chior the last semester of senior year.

Yesterday was a good day. I hadn’t expected anything from John regarding Mother’s Day, but I had a nice surprise. After a nummy lunch we headed down to San Diego and one of the beaches. Beautiful. We spent a couple hours of walking up and down the coast, taking pictures, and watching the waves crash. For someone who’s last and only time at a beach was seven years ago in Mexico, this was just what I needed. Edmonds Beach in Seattle doesn’t count…it’s gravel. With maybe two inch waves.

It was weird, celebrating Mother’s Day for the first time in my life. I look forward to the little surprises Ash will create for me, and I can’t imagine how anyone wouldn’t want to celebrate. Obviously moms should be appreciated everyday of the year, but just like birthdays, having a specific day set aside is special. I remember being in elementary school and the art project of the Friday before Mother’s Day would be to make a card, or something for our Mom. What I’ll never forget is the way my Mom reacted the first time I brought my hand-made creation home to her. She didn’t even say thank you. She just took it from me and said “Oh, we don’t do these things, Alicia. Mother’s day is bad.”

I believe that was my Kindergarten year. I learned from that situation and didn’t even dare bring one home for Father’s Day. Every year after that I always made something for them but found a way to throw it out on the way home from school. And for years I never really understood why it was so “wrong” to celebrate my mother or my father. Eventually as I grew older I “understood” that, also like birthdays and Christmas, Mothers and Fathers Days were considered “Pagan Holidays” to JW’s and pretty much evil. Nice, huh?

I am so grateful my eyes opened up in the past years and that I’m now able to share such a simple thing in life with my daughter. Parents really don’t get enough credit and thanks as it is, so I just can’t imagine why people could accept the lack of celebration. It just baffles me.

I thought the Depo shot was supposed cancel out the damn monthly curse. Apparently not in my case. So while I sat in the recliner today, wishing I’d plugged the power in so I could turn on the heated vibrating chair, cramps kicked my butt, and I had to fight the urge to throw up. And my arthritis messed with my hands, arms, legs, and I couldn’t stop twitching. I guess it’s not enough for me to have the monthly, but my osteoarthritis had to join in, along with the flu. Just lovely.

I’m doing better at the moment but I can only hope Ash doesn’t pick up this flu bit. I treasure the fact she only poops once a day and the thought of anything else…eh, no thank you. Luckily, Ash has been an angel, keeping herself content, kicking widely with her foot rattles (thanks again, Melly). Just naked baby having a good time.

Many thanks to the makers of Lithobid. Just two days after taking my Lithium both John and I noticed the difference. Basically, I don’t freak out over any little thing. I’m able to hang out with John’s parents and not want to burst, and I no longer cry out of the blue or over miniscule things. It is amazing to feel this
way. For once, I have a calmness in my life. Yeah, I periodically have a few tingles in my hands and feet, and I’m constantly going to the bathroom due to the gallons of water I have to drink, but oh, it is completely worth it.

I have to say, I really think Ashleigh can feel the difference, too. She seems to want to be held a little more, more willing to put up with me. I figure it’s because I’m not as tense as before, and I’m grateful this change is happening.

A few weeks ago I had voiced my concern about Ash not yet grasping toys or pulling things to her mouth. Well, she just had to prove to me what a smartie she is. She is holding things, doing all she can to shove them in her mouth, and has even come close to putting her pacifier back in herself. Amazing. A couple days ago I handed her a rattle and she wouldn’t let it go for at least
five hours. Hopefully she’ll be able to hold her own teether soon.

We recently purchased the handles you can pop onto the Avent bottles, and she’s been holding then on a regular basis. Sometimes she makes it hard to feed her, since she’ll be yanking the bottle out of her mouth, but that’s okay. Eventually, she’ll have it down.

I told myself I would write more about myself than about Ash, but looks like I did it again. It never fails to amaze me how much Ashleigh is a part of my life. I always knew things would change and was prepared for them, but it’s still very new to me.

Once my days consists of more than just walks to the store and taking care of Ash I’ll let you know.

So John and I couldn’t resist this picture. Heh, the joys of being a parent. I can hear her now “Mo-ooom! How embarassing!”

There are tons of new pictures of Ashleigh up and ready to look at. By tons, I mean way more than previously because there were too many pictures to pick from.

Month 4 & Month 5.

Today is the first day back on Lithium and so far so good. No shakes yet, though last night and this morning I’ve been feeling some tightness in the hands. I vaguely remember this stuff happening to me the first time I started this stuff but it’s still a little freaky.

This morning out of habit I picked up Ash, sat down in the comfy recliner, and popped the boob in her mouth. And then I freaked out and put her down and scrambled to make a bottle. Dang, I was so used to not having to think in the morning. I don’t think Ash will miss the breastfeeding much, but I will. Now I actually have to use my hands at 7:45am to measure scoops of formula, and water, and egads, manage to put the lid on correctly. Never a problem during the day, but in the morning I don’t exactly wake up quickly. But I’ll do this because the last thing Ashleigh needs in her is Lithium. Lordy, I’m glad I stopped before she was able to suck anything out.

So this is “Step 1″ of becoming a real person again.