My usually energetic and bouncy little girl is asleep…again. She’s had three naps today, and is now down for the night. I know she needs the rest to recouperate from the nasty cold and teething, but sheesh. I miss her! I don’t think she was awake for more than five hours today. Crazy.

I’m doing pretty good today. In fact, two days in a row my moods have been in check for the most part. I’m not exactly energetic like I used to be, but I’ve enjoyed the past 48 hours. A rarity in my life lately.

I finally finished the basic layout with John’s site and will be tweaking with Moveable Type some until it works (use him as the guinea pig). Hopefully that will be done and then I can do another revamp with Niftyfingers. I am so completely tired of purple and need something refreshing and remotely cheerful.

We bought a little swimsuit and floatie thingy for Ash the other day and took her swimming. She acted like it was nothing special…just sat back and chilled in the water like she did it all the time. Soon as we can develop the roll, we’ll be sharing some pictures.

I know, scattered thoughts today, but at least they’re thoughts.

Last night felt like the worst night in my life. Poor Ashleigh has a cold, and isn’t keeping much down. Luckily today is better, with a little help of Pedialyte, but last night she just cried and cried and cried. She wouldn’t take the boob, and when she did take the bottle, it came up ten minutes later. I think she was crying because she was so hungry it hurt.

I’ve never felt so helpless before. Here was this four month old girl, counting on momma to make everything all better and I didn’t know what to do. The worst was when she had finally fallen asleep in my arms, and we had an hour nap, she woke up screaming louder than before. Again, nothing would calm her until she finally gave into the boob.

I am so damn exhausted, and to top it off I only have one contact in (other one is torn), so I’m completely disoriented. I’ve already had to go back and correct so many typing errors it’s pathetic. Ash is sleeping at the moment, the first time since seven this morning, but I’m unable to sleep. The struggle to stay out of this extreme low is wearing me out because I have to fight the urge to eat everything on the shelves, and I have to fight these damn tears again and again.

I’m so tired of being depressed. I try my best to think positive, feel good about myself, but when a simple word spirals me down, I feel like a failure.

I’m sick of people telling me to “cheer up” because, believe me, if it was that fucking easy, I would already be a freaky clown, make-up grin, funky clothes and all. So many people don’t realize how much of a difference there is between being bi-polar, and having a small case of depression. With depression alone you at least have some form of normalicy that returns…a nuetral zone. With bi-polar (manic-depression), I want to rise out of the depression, but a part of me knows that once I do I’ll skyrocket into a manic high, and who knows what will happen. Will I go on a shopping spree and spend more money than I have, unaware of what I’ve done until I come down? Or will I get so ecstatic and go go go, clean, clean, exercise, exercise, exercise, or start too many projects, causing me to feel completely out of control once I fall into a low again. See, there is no win-win situation here, even though I feel nearly invinceable while manic.

People ask why I’m not taking any meds and I have to explain I stopped taking them when I ran out, just before I was pregnant. And since then I’ve been either pregnant or nursing, two reasons why I can’t take Lithium. I have an appointment May 1st and I’ve never looked forward to seeing a psychiatrist like I do now. If there are no drugs I can take and breastfeed then well, full-time formula it is. Because, really, I think Ashleigh needs her mom to be there for her completely. At the rate I’m going, that won’t happen without some chemical interaction. I wonder what it’s like to be a mom without a mental illness. Is it really easier, or is it just as tough, but in different ways?

So we’re at the Lake Elsinore Storm game last night and one of the players’ name is flashed on the board. JJ Furmaniak. Tell me it’s not just me who snorts with laughter when they read that.

He asks me
"Why are you crying?"
and I imagine being invisible.
The imbalance
which presses the buttons
    (jump high,
       swim low)
lives these days I
once knew as my own.

I apologize for the
overreactions,
sensitivity
beyond normalcy.
I deny myself posession
of color-flooded moments;
any prolonged enjoyment
becomes forbidden.
An inevitable plunge is
all I know.

Less than a month
until fabricated resolution
is digested
and day by day
I will recreate who
I believe I am.

-amah 04/11/02 10:05pm

Oh, the look on the maintenance dude when I asked him if he would like any of the Playboy and Stuff magazines we were getting rid of (there’s just too many to stack on the toilet).

My god, is it that unheard of for a woman to actually not give a shit about her man having Playboy? Heh, it’s in my name, so obviously I’m not the one with jealousy issues, but it always does crack me up, the reactions I get. Sheesh, women, get over it, men look at women, they love tits, they love pussy (especially shaved), and they’re going to look whether you “allow” it or not.

I type this with one hand as Ash is in leaning on my other arm, sucking slobbering like there is nothing else in the world. I need a shower, but a drool shower was not exactly what I had in mind. My luck, this new tooth is going to take its sweet ass time breaking in and there’ll be a permanent puddle of drool through the whole apartment. She’s adorable, I love her, and she knocks em dead in her styling Old Navy dress and baseball cap, but damn, some sleep would be extra special nifty right now.

It didn’t help that my neighbor below me was blasting her music at 1am last night. Pre-mommyhood it wouldn’t have been a problem, as my night most likely would be starting. But I have a child now and believe me, a throbbing bedroom floor is not what you want to hear at 1am. What amazes me about last night is the person below me works in the rental office. She’s the one who did up our rental agreement! This of course did not keep me from throwing on some clothes and banging on her front door (I did this after laying down on the floor just to make sure the music was coming from her place, not in my head or next door). Of course, no answer, so I stormed back up to my apartment and proceeded to stomp quite a few times on the floor, doing my best imitation of an elephant dancing on hot coals. Thankfullly the music stopped.

So a grumpy, zombie-looking thing holding a sleepyhead Ashleigh walked to the rental office this afternoon. I informed the women working today their wonderful little coworker (who conveniently had the day off today) had kept a new already-sleep-deprived mommy up. I’ve put in so many work orders in the month we’ve lived here it’s not funny anymore (not that is was funny ever), so they know me well. Our dishwasher presents our dishes dirtier than when they go in, our screen door was non-existent when we moved in, vertical blinds were mixed and matched colors and stuck, a couple kitchen drawers look like they’re from Chernoble, and some more than retarted blinds in our bedroom. I think the only reason things got worked on this afternoon is because when I was in the office the maintenance guys were too, so they were stuck having to “please the lady” to get me to leave them alone. Damn fuckwads taking up valuable space on this planet.

I’m hoping John shows up from work soon because I could really use a shower. Ashleigh has the five-minute “I tricked you” nap down, so I can never get one in during the day. Yet, when John gets home he’s usually so worn out from work, and we’re both so happy to just chill for a bit, I end up forgetting to take a shower. Lovely, eh? Need I say more about the joys of motherhood?

I am sick and tired of people commenting on life of motherhood when they don’t have a fucking child. Enough! What do people think, that I actually am going to consider their opinion when they don’t have any experience? Hah!

It happens a lot, and it just happened two minutes ago. I was talking about Ashleigh’s schedule, or lack thereof, and I was told “yeah, she’ll get used to it and then it’ll change again. Welcome to motherhood.” Excuse me, but how the fuck would you know? I don’t CARE if you’ve babysat up the yinyang, you wouldn’t know. Shit. Shut up people.

It’s taken a few days, but I’ve finally answered my first Blogger Insider questions. Wonderful questions from Melanie at Stars in Her Eyes. Enjoy

1.) Your daughter, Ashleigh Erin, was born this
year. How did you choose her name, and does it have any special significance?
It might seem weird, but John picked out Ashleigh’s name.
Well, the first one. For years I’d always wanted a boy and could never really
think of any female names anyhow. So, when it came time, John had Ashleigh Nicole
picked. I didn’t like Nicole, so suggested Erin and that was that. It took me
a bit to get used to, but by the time she was born it just rolled off my tongue
and boy, does it fit Ash just perfect.

2.)
How did you and John meet? In a round about way
we met online. My close friend was talking to him online and she just didn’t want
to anymore and passed him off to me. Turns out we clicked and became extremely
good friends. Eventually he drove over from Spokane to Seattle one weekend, which
became a regular thing until he moved over the next year.

3.)
What is the best part about being a mom, for you? Worst part? The
best part of being a mom is when Ashleigh smiles at me, and when I’m feeding her
and she looks right at me. The worst is when I’m not getting any sleep, in turn
causing me to become grumpy and irritable. Sleep deprivation sucks donkey ass.

4.)
Tell me a bit about your family. Do you have any siblings and are you close to
them? My mom and dad are still married, though
I wish they had separated or divorced years and years ago. Long story there. I
have two older sisters, one eight years old, Karolyn, who I get along with great.
The other sister, ten years old, disapproves of me so we rarely talk, and if so
just about our medical issues.. Her loss. I think Karolyn and I have always been
the closest because Kathy was alway throwing religion in our faces, saying everything
we did was wrong, so we had to stick together.

5.)
Looking through your pages, I could hardly miss your passion for hockey. You had
to learn to skate, start working out, etc. With all of the obstacles in the way,
may I ask - why hockey? Sometimes I wonder, too.
Until two years ago I really had no interest in it. I believe it was John’s passion
with the sport that got me hooked. That, and the first game I went to was just
intriguing, and out of all the sports out there it actually made sense to me.
I love watching the puck fly from stick to stick and I can get lost in the movements
of the players’ blades on the ice. It’s such a crisp sound.

When I think
about it for a few minutes, to me, hockey is an art (yet I can’t explain how I
see it as such), and that is most likely how and why I fell in love with the game
so quickly.

6.) You’ve lived in Seattle
WA and are now living in California, right? Have you lived in any other US states
or Canadian provinces, and if so, which was your favorite? The
only places I’ve lived is in Seattle and surrounding areas, Dumfries, Virginia,
and now Murrieta, California. I loved Seattle, and I do still like it, but I needed
a change. I always thought I’d never like California, but it has definitely grown
on me and I now love it here. I feel at home. So far my favorite is where I am,
Southern California.

7.) You mentioned
wanting to go to college. What do you want to take? I
swear, the day I become an official California State resident I will be enrolling
in a college for Web Design and Development. I do design on the side but what
I really want to learn is the programming, ASP, JavaScript, SQL, and all the other
languages. I want to take my passion for art and design and make it useful. I’ve
been trying to do this for the past couple years but finances have been so low
it’s been impossible. Luckily, once a resident in Cali it’s costs nearly next
to nothing nto attent a community college, so I know I’ll be starting next year.
Yeah!!

8.) As someone else who loves
words, I had to chuckle when I found your aka page and realized I knew many of
the words you had listed. Two of my particular favorites (aglet, defenestrate)
weren’t on your list though. Can you trace your love of words back to any particular
time or incident in your life? Don’t worry, I’ll
be putting those on the list. They’re perfect! Can’t believe I hadn’t picked them
yet. I’d trace my love of words back to fourth grade, to my sudden interest in
reading. My teacher use to reward us and our reading with ice cream parties and
I got hooked. Since then I am an avid reader. That love of reading expanded into
the actual language factor, creating a love of writing and just words in general.

9.)
I know that babies and husbands don’t leave us moms with much free time. But when
you have it, what do you do with it? I draw when
I can, I do a lot of messing around with web design, and read when possible. Oh,
and I do a lot of "you can do it, get off your ass, go walking, that’s it,
see you did it, woo hoo!" in my head.

10.)
What would you say is your biggest achievement in your life so far? Learning
how to make it through the tough stuff. I could’ve given in to despairity and
given up over the years, but I’ve kicked and screamed and pushed my way through.
No one is going to stop me, not even myself. Because yeah, life is tough, but
death sucks, so you have to live the best way you can. You have to start someway,
somehow. I’m not rich, I don’t have a huge house, or a house at all, but I have
a child, and if I can raise this little one then that is all that matters.