Written 11/27
Those who visit here regularly KNOW I don’t normally do these things, but well, shit, I’m bored. Yes, I have a
Spokane Chiefs hockey game blaring from my computer, and some NHL game muted on my TV, but I’m still bored. Poor John has heard me say “I’m bored” at least ten times today so I finally just kept my mouth shut. It’s not like he
couldn’t tell from the look on my face I would rather be doing laundry if I physically could (tried it last week, and after bending over one too many times and a sore back, that job is his for now)

So, again, I’m bored, and here goes. (Snagged from LaLaGirl, who knows who else has posted it as well.)

How often do you cry?
Hmm, let me see, I’m pregnant, so that’d be at least once a day. Non-pregnancy I would go weeks without a tear, but if my bi-polar issues sent me downward I’d cry myself to sleep for days.

What makes you cry the easiest most easily?
Currently, thinking about how I’m going to make it as a mom, wondering if I’ll ever get a job again, scared because I’m still not sure if I want to breastfeed or bottle feed. And anytime I spill or bump into anything (very sensitive
during these months, as most would expect). Of course, non-pregnancy not much would make me cry. In fact, I know of a couple people that probably consider me insensitive because certain things don’t upset me, or I don’t show it.

What makes you really really happy?
John, when he’s being silly

Has anyone close to you ever died?
Too many. The hardest was my Grandma (dad’s mom). Though she never once spelled my name correctly on the envelopes of money and cards she gave me, I feel she was the only one who really considered me for who I was, not what everyone else wanted me to be.

Has anyone close to you ever committed suicide?
Yes.

How many funerals have you been to?
Again, too many. None are easy, of course, but again my Grandma’s comes to mind when I think of the gathering at Barnaby’s afterwards. I was sixteen at the time and the bartender brought me an alcoholic margarita instead of a
virgin one. Knowing my Grandma would’ve laughed and let me enjoy it without saying a word lightened the day up.

Have you ever cried over the death of a celebrity?
Nope. I imagine I would if I knew one personally, but that’s the only reason why. Then again, I never cried when my Grandma died, but I was very, very, very upset. Seems like the serious stuff I just keep in more.

What would be the scariest way to die (in your opinion)?
Oi, gruesome topic still…well, any death that would be a gradual process would be scary to me.

What do you do in your spare time?
Browse my favorite sites, watch Discovery Channel, play Minesweeper (it’s the simple games that I’m addicted to), watch and listen to hockey, act silly and go for neighborhood walks with John, work out at the gym, draw, work on this site,
troubleshoot my friend’s computer since she has my old Mac, reading when I can find a decent book, and other things but with my memory these days I can’t remember all I do.

What are some of your favorite restaurants?
I don’t get to eat out much, but when I do a trip to Red Robin or Billy McHale’s will always make my day. Oh, and Olive Garden, because oh yeah, I am definitely a pasta lover.

What time do you wake up in the morning?
4am (to pee), 8am (to pee), 10something (grab some cereal of muffin and head back to sleep), usually up by 12:30 or 1pm.

What is your natural sleeping pattern?
I’m usually up until 1am or 2am. Depends what shows are on Discovery Channel as I’m going to bed. See previous question for when I get up. I’m a night owl and definitely not a morning person, so I’m wondering how in the hell I’m going to handle the transition with the little on in a couple months.

What made you decide to have sex for the first time?
I wanted to and well, was tired of waiting, lol. Apparently having a full leg cast didn’t stop me…

Were you in love?
Hell no, I was 17. But at least it was good and I was in an actual “relationship”.

What’s your preferred method of birth control?
I WAS doing the birth control pill but seeing as how that didn’t seem to work well enough, I’m getting the Depo Shot before I leave the hospital after the baby is born.

Have you ever had a one-night stand?
Heh, let’s just say I was a busy young woman from age 21 to 23 and I’m glad I got it out of my system.

How many rooms does your house have?
Correction, it’s an apartment. Two bedrooms with a long L-shaped hallway from the entrance. Thank goodness we have two bathrooms

What would be your ideal living arrangement?
Oh, to dream. As long as my daughter is near her daddy and we have a roof over all of our heads is all that matters to me. Yes, a nice spacious house with my own sports bar (complete with an air hockey and pool tables) and a hot tub to ease my pains would be ideal, but not happening anytime soon.

How many times have you moved in your life?
Eh…ten times.

North Seattle to Dumfries, VA of all fucking places - December 1995
VA back to North Seattle (with the parents in Lake Forest Park) - December 1996 LFP to Belltown (Downtown Seattle) - January 1998
Belltown to Shoreline (North Seattle) - May 1998
Shoreline to Lynnwood (15 minutes north) - November 1998
Lynnwood to UDistrict (Seattle) apt 9 - May 1999
UDistrict apt 9 studio to apt 10 1 bedroom down the hall - June 1999
UDistrict to North Seattle (LFP with the parents again, ugh) - October 2000
LFP to Shoreline one bedroom - April 2001
Shoreline one bedroom to two bedroom in the next building - October 2001

And all this in only six years. I am so sick and tired of moving.

What city/state would like to live in?
I like the area I’m in, especially Shoreline, since the school district is the best in the state. Eventually I’d like to move, though, maybe to New York (not the city), but who knows.

Have you ever lived on your own?
Yup! Finally, in Lynnwood, I had my own place (Downtown was with a wacko roommate). Besides the few months back with the parents recently, I’ve lived on my own until this last June when John moved in. I don’t mind it, since I only have to think about myself, but I’m not complaining about my company now.

What do you do on weekends?
Not much, really. Sometimes we hit a WHL hockey game when they Chiefs are in town or hang out with our friends downstairs for
a movie. Woo hoo, we’re so exciting.

Do you enjoy alone time?
Very! Too much will drive me bonkers, though.

If you were stranded at home for a weekend without a computer or a TV, what would you do to entertain yourself?
Read, go hang out with Gen and her two year old, sit around and talk about stuff with John, listen to the radio, or draw if I’m so inclined at the time.

What is one thing you would love to learn? (It doesn’t have to be school-related.)
How to control my temper better.

What are you really good at? (Writing, art, music, acting, etc.)
Drawing and painting realistic portraits, singing, making banana bread, and writing.

If there were a book about your life, what would it be called?
I tried

What word or phrase best describes your sense of style?
Comfortable

What’s your favorite article of clothing?
My red fake silk pj bottoms…yeah, they still fit at 8 months pregnant, woo hoo!

Describe a typical outfit you’d wear to work/school.
Black preggo slacks (no stretchy panel thank goodness), simple preggo or v-neck shirt, black leather slip-ons. Pre-pregnancy, replace slacks with some Old Navy jeans and basic black shoes.

What fashion “season” are you?
I haven’t a fucking clue, since I vary so much.

How long does it take you to get ready to go out on the weekend?
If I need a shower, 30 minutes, no shower, 10 minutes. No frills, no makeup here.

Sum up your life right now in 5-10 words:
Just when you think you can’t make it, you realize you can

Woo hoo it’s snowing outside! Big fluffy flakes at the moment, and about an inch on the ground. I better enjoy looking at it now, because the usual Seattle rain will come in this afternoon and wash it away as always. At least we’ve seen snow before March this winter.

I can’t wait until my little girl is old enough to be playing in the snow, or at least able to enjoy watching the flakes fall. I can just see her her rosy cheeks and squeals of delight as she claps her mitted hands. Must I wait so long? Sigh…

Ok, back to snuggle with the comforter.

Please note the new location for Panacea - http://www.niftyfingers.com/panacea.

Also, you’ll see a new nifty layout. Not exactly what I wanted to do but it will suffice, seeing as how my patience levels are nonexistent these days. The rest of my pages will gradually be completed, as I switch them over, so that would explain some broken links in navigation to the left.

Well it looks like I finally have the cold that John and everyone else had. Fun stuff. It seems like it’ll pass quickly, but who knows. I’m just concerned about my ears, and as long as they don’t get all fucked up this time I’ll be happy.

Not a whole lot happening these days, just the countdown until the due date. We’ve been a bit more successful in getting into the gym and going for walks, but I still feel lethargic. Just eight more weeks of this, lovely.

Aaah, we made it back to Seattle okay. I know I’m only seven months pregnant, but there’s always that nagging thought I’d need to find a hospital because I’m having pains or bleeding, or something crazy that only expecting mothers think of. Yeah, fancy that, finding anything between Seattle and Cheney. I think I’d have to drive to Spokane to make it to a hospital.

Anyhow, we left Friday morning so we could make it to his brother’s place in time for dinner and then out to Spokane for a Chiefs‘ game. Unfortunately they lost on Friday, but kicked some mighty butt on Saturday. Watching hockey in the Spokane Arena beats the shitty seating and lighting in the Key Arena in a heartbeat. Makes me wish John could find a job out there so I could watch some decent hockey on a regular basis. You can bet I’d have season tickets.

Nothing too exciting on our end, especially now that we’re back home. We just caught the replay of George Carlin’s show on HBO and nearly peed our pants we laughed so hard. I definitely needed that comedy.

Gonna go attempt to sleep. I hate that I didn’t really write much but what I’ve done, but I’m sure something will set me off soon and I’ll be writing away.

Lovely, more crap from my mom about the AA airplaine crash being a “sign of the times” and now it “really shows how it’s the time of the end”. Oh, bullhonkey. I knew she was going to say something of the sort and of course, she never lets me down. What sickens me is how my mom can’t hide it, and many other JW’s, and they’re probably excited about things like these because it supposedly means the end is coming. Yeah, woo-hoo, dead people as a sign of an impending global slaughter. What a joyous thing. Sheesh. Some people can be so skewed.

I doubt this has anything to do with the previous terrorist attacks, but even so, it’s a tragic happening. Am I afraid to fly now? No. I wasn’t before, and I’m not now. But that’s me, and I can understand why others aren’t exactly confident. John and I were considering flying down to California and visiting his family in a couple weeks, and from what I understand, that’s still a go.

As I was telling John before he left this morning, it’s that the plane crashed in a residential area that makes this feel so unusual and different from typical airplane crashes.

I didn’t fall asleep until actually 3am this morning, and it’s because I’d left the tv on Northwest Cable News that I woke up to this mess. Four hours of sleep and my eyes are getting droopy again. Time to attempt sleep…with the TV off.

BTW, if ANYONE who visits Panacea would like to chat with me on MSN, go ahead and add me (saltyjackass@hotmail.com). I could use the distraction, and definitely a decent conversation. It’s not like I’m really going anywhere during the weekdays anymore…

Besides, you guys crack me up and rarely fail to bring a smile to my face.

I started my 33rd week this last Thursday, I’m unemployed, and I am bored. Very, very, very bored. Our fridge, freezer, and cupboards are stocked with stuff, but none of it sounds good. I’m able to watch all the Baby Story and ABC soap episodes I want, yet they don’t thrill me anymore.

John and I worked through our budget yesterday morning and to say it nicely, it doesn’t look that peachy keen. Bills suck. We’ll manage, like we always do, but I hate not knowing what’s going to happen. Me, the one who makes lists, checks my account balance online religiously, and hates not waiting, will “just have to wait and see”. Argh!

Those first two paragraphs were written Saturday morning and I have to say I’m glad I’m not quite as bored anymore. A part of me wants to chalk it up to the “nesting” that everyone seems to claim happens during the third trimester. Great, except that’s not the case, and I just know it’s a manic period once again. Been a while, and sometimes it’s a bit scary when I see ‘em coming, but hopefully this one will be more beneficial and less harmful.

So the kitchen is spotless (only because I’m now wiping the counters and washing dishes with any chance I get), and I’ve organized John’s metal bin of paperwork. I’m finding myself sitting (laying, really, soaking up the heated massage) in the recliner until two in the morning, wide-awake, completely unaware of the chunks of time that have slipped by. John and I have been walking an hour everyday, something I wouldn’t have squeezed out of me just last week. Plus, I made it to the gym last Monday and I’ll be in there regularly this coming week. With the combination of endorphins from exercising, and the chemical imbalance within my head, I’ve had quite a boost.

I’m working on taking advantage of the current situation, but it is still frustrating. To a point I’m able to control my outbursts of emotions, but there are limitations. Before my pregnancy I could pretty much force my mouth shut, keep myself in the “neutral zone” (non-manic, non-depressive state) when I felt myself changing. This ability of course became a capability after my first diagnosis, a year on Lithium, and then a gradual withdrawal of that magic drug. My stubborn fight to remain independent included no meds and so I learned the ways of battling the hazardous manic times, and annoying droopy and down days. Then I became pregnant and all forms of mental self-control went out the door.

I’ve snapped at John, started screaming about something, and as soon as I finish, realize I was upset over something so minor and can’t recall why I was angry or pissed off. My sixth month consisted of lots of candy, Mountain Dew, and a lethargic body. Yes, I know, emotional ups and downs are to be expected, according to the books and docs, and not to worry. And then they proceed to list all the fucking symptoms I’m having as warnings for depression. No shit, guys. What sucks? Other than dealing with all this crap as if comes and goes, there’s really nothing else I can do. Lithium is the LAST thing I should be taking while pregnant, and since I’m planning on breastfeeding, scratch out about six more months as well.

I keep wondering how I will be once Ashleigh is born. Other than the physical part, which I try not to think about (I have an upcoming post on the subject), I can’t help but be afraid of my mental state. There are days when I just break down and can’t deal with anyone can’t eat, can’t smile, and crying myself to sleep is the only way I get rest.

I wonder if I’ll be able to handle the cries, the constant demands for feeding, playing, diaper changing, the lack of sleep, and much more. John is always encouraging me, especially when I voice my concerns, yet it is a struggle to remain positive. Yes, even today, as I’m buzzing around the apartment, I may be very active and energetic, but not all my thoughts are.

I suppose there’s no need to worry or think about the future when I have little control over it, and so I try not to. But it’s the lack of control that makes it tough. Maybe, just once, I’ll pass my own expectations by a long shot, who knows. I imagine that’s possible.

After some talking with John for a bit, we’ve pretty much decided we’re better off financially with my losing this job. I know, probably makes no sense, but here’s how it is. My two months severance pay will cover me until January, and once the unemployment kicks in it should last me until the end of March, about when I was planning on going back to work. The thing with the unemployment…I’ll be bringing in more than what I would’ve with my 60% disability pay for leave. So…that’ll help some.

Granted, I will have to look for a job after the first three months, but I was considering it this morning anyways, and there’s always some temp thing to do if need be. Besides, now I’ll be getting the sleep my body has been screaming at me to have for weeks. Of course, I’ll be pretty stir-crazy in a week or so, but at least I’ll have thoughts of the little one to preoccupy myself with.

I’ll never understand how someone can consciously let a 7 month pregnant woman go and not feel like shit, but oh well. Guess that’s why I’m not a supervisor, huh? I wasn’t really in the mood for a lawsuit, so it’s a good thing they saved theirs asses with my severance and medical insurance. Oy…the joys of life.

Looks like I don’t have to worry about the incompetent people anymore. At least not at this company. Nothing like getting laid off to make your pissy mood even pissier.

Ok, what part of “I must have them by the end of Today, (Thursday)” do these guys NOT UNDERSTAND?!?!! Jesus fucking Christ I am sick and tired of dealing with incompetent people. Thank goodness I stayed home yesterday, or the pain of juggling theses idiots would’ve added to my physical pain. I am SO ready for my leave to start NOW.