Well, I’m in the new place! Of course, there’s still plenty to be moved in from the other apartment, but at least cable and internet is good to go. Our fridge contains a gallon of milk, two cans of Lipton’s Raspberry Ice Tee, four cans of Coke, and one container of Yoplait. Yup, still nowhere near done…and we have to be out by the end of the day.

No heavy lifting on my part, but I’ve been stuffing suitcases with clothes and rolling them back and forth between apartments. I may be pregnant, and I know I can’t lift anything, but dammit, I’m not going to sit on my ass and do nothing.

My 25th week starts today. Wow. Hard to imagine I’ve made it this far and I really only have 15 more weeks to go. They say the little one is about 12 inches now and I’d believe it with the kicks and moves I’ve felt lately. I’ve been singing more while at home, or humming at the bus stops. Many resources have mentioned the baby’s ability to hear and feel my singing and I definitely want to give her something to listen to.

I’ve been having some weird dreams these days, though none regarding the baby as they predict pregnant mothers have frequently. I’ll wake up, startled, or really disoriented and jumpy. Then, I’ll feel some moving around and some light taps, like the baby is saying “It’s okay, mom, I’m here, you’re fine” and I’m able to go right back to sleep. I’ve always wondered if I’ll bond well with my child, but it’s moments like that where I feel so connected with her, and I’m reassured I won’t have any problems.

John and I signed the rental agreement and received the keys to our new apartment last night. I’m pretty excited, but of course everything still has to be shuffled from one building to the next. It’s frustrating not being able to help move the furniture, since that’s the stuff I love doing, but don’t worry, though, no lifting for me. Just the clothes, blankets, pillows, and kitchen stuff. I just want to get in there and set up the cradle and everything for the baby. Having it all stashed away in storage is driving me nuts.

Yesterday I spoke with my mom again about the baby shower. I guess I shouldn’t have told her I understood the first time, ’cause she had brushed it off and wasn’t thinking I would be bothered. Glad I said something yesterday, to let her know.

She told me it wasn’t anything about me. ARGH! Of course, it’s about me! It’s my shower, dammit. I told her that of course I’m taking it personal, ’cause not only is this my baby shower, but since I’m not planning on have any other children, this is going to be my only shower. She really didn’t have much to say, and then I said I was quite offended she was thinking more about her and not about the chance to share a moment with her daughter.

I’m just so irritated with her lately. I know all Jehovah’s Witnesses around the world (or at least the US) had a “special meeting” they attended recently, and I can’t help but wonder what in the hell they said there. Mom seems so different since then. My sister mentioned her friend’s cousin all of a sudden turning on her after attending that meeting, and now I feel like my mom is doing the same thing. Maybe I’m just jumping to conclusions, but really, I know what type of things they say at these meetings, especially the “special” ones. It’s not like I didn’t plod to the Kingdom Hall three times a week for 18 years to sit on my ass and count the ceiling tiles and listen to their preachy, flapping mouths. I don’t know how many times I came away from some meetings feeling so low, so pathetic, for befriending someone “outside the Truth” as they called it. They specialize in guilt trips.

It just pisses me off that my mom cares more about how she feels than about how I feel. I didn’t get much of a chance to tell her something else, ’cause she found some reason to get off the phone. What I wanted to say, and will next time we talk, is if she doesn’t come to my baby shower, I’m hurt. That of all the times growing up I thought I felt pain when she was just being a parent, I’ll really be hurt this time. You don’t just turn your back on your child. Plain and simple. And that’s what she’d be doing.

I can’t really tell her she won’t get to see my kid as often because of this, ’cause I’d hate to punish my child for my mom’s ridiculous views, but it’s tempting. Either she supports me or she doesn’t. To use one of the JW’s favorite analogies…it’s either one or the other, there’s no sitting on the fence in the middle. Back at you mom.

I did bring my new pillow in to work today and what a difference it has made. My main pain the past few weeks has been the pelvic area. It feels like someone socked me hard, and makes it difficult to walk with out the side-to-side waddlying. Well, today…no waddling thanks to the pillow. This is cause for celebration, people.

I’ve been looking closer at my spider bites since last night. Either this spider bit me ten times in a half inch space, or the lil guy is actually a huge fucker, as these bites are looking to be in pairs. Imagining a spider big enough to go with the fangs…ugh. What a wonderful thought.

At least the major puffiness and redness has lessened, so maybe they’ll pop, ooze, then start healing today. I keep wanting to put a band-aid on my pinkie to save myself some pain, but then I also know I need the bites out in the open. Such fun I’m having.

My left pinkie finger was attacked by a spider a couple days ago. What I thought was just some soreness from banging the finger against something has turned out to be a cluster of spider bites near my pinkie nail. Lovely. They look to be healing some but they hurt like hell, especially when I forget and brush it against something.

The fact they’re spider bites don’t really phase me, as I am used to being feasted on by spider, it’s the location. How odd. But they love me. Mosquitos and and other little bugs rarely bite, yet I can’t go through a Summer/Fall without my usual spider bites. At least these on my pinkie aren’t itching…just throbbing.

Looks like I’ll be sending my hockey jersey back to Spokane. My boy Matt Keith , [19], is now an Alternate Captain. So, I’ll have to have the new WHL logo, the “A” and an American flag sown on my jersey. Gotta keep up with these guys…

Keith was moved up because Lynn Loyns agreed to terms with the San Jose Sharks. Ah, my boys are moving on.

John caught the Chief’s opener this last Saturday (they won, of course), and while I didn’t get to go, at least he brought home a magnet schedule for me. Luckily, they’ll be playing in Seattle October 26th so I’ll get my first hockey game in. Withdrawals…I am so going through withdrawals. You should’ve seen me the second I tuned into a game online this last weekend. Hearing the announcer call the plays…it was like the first smoke after a long time from a cigarette. I was buzzing. I love my Yankees, but baseball is nothing to me compared to hockey.

Just when I needed a pick-me up the most, I showed up at work and had a package waiting for me. Something from Old Navy. Hmmm…I didn’t order anything.

Turns out it’s a gift from a friend of mine back East and I was so happy I nearly cried. A couple outfits for the little one coming soon. He knows me so well, too! No girlie girly stuff for this one…some kackis and a white, long-sleeves, snap-bottom with the Old Navy baby chick, plus a pair of red track pants, and a thermal snap-bottom.

I just had to share…everything is just too cute. I can’t even begin to describe how grateful I am for these gifts…

Last night I went to bed, worn out from frustration, and my inability to relay to John how worried I was. He’s back working another temp job, but ever since the bus incident I’ve really been thinking about getting a car. I know I could make it without one, in fact, I’ll most likely have to for a while. Call it paranoia, but I just can’t stop thinking about it.

I fell asleep wondering how we’re going to manage to save enough for a deposit, and then I remembered we need to save for while I’m on maternity leave, and THEN I remember I need to think about child care once I return to work. Ugh. Luckily I’ll be getting 60% pay through short-term disability during my 13 weeks of leave, but we’re still going to need money saved for the other 40% we’re used to coming in. Double ugh.

I don’t know how other families make it with one parent home with the child, though I have much respect for those that do. I’d do anything to be able to stay home with my baby, but I also know that’s just about impossible with our finances now. Thinking about going back to work after the 13 weeks of leave…it’s scary. I’m hoping my boss will let me work at home Tuesdays and Thursdays, and if so, at least I’ll have more time with the lil one, plus, day care will cost less. Here’s hoping.

I know it drives John nuts that I’m always thinking so far ahead, but I’ve always been that way. Me, that planner, the “I hate to do things last minute” lady. I don’t blame him, and while one of the things I like about him is his ability to be calm, and not plan things, it’s still frustrating. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one thinking about the future, though he does let me know it’s on his mind. He just doesn’t show it like I do, the stress-out chick. I’m gradually getting used to him in that matter and it is getting easier, but it’s nights like last night I just felt lost.

My mom keeps reminding me that I was always the most independent one of her three girls, and while that’s a good thing, it can also be a lot tougher. No kidding! I’m definitely finding that one out lately.

“do you like my baby?“

Of all the money making opportunities on the web, I’ve never really found any where I actually saw a decent amount heading my way. Until recently. My Points kicks ass. In the past I’ve earned a $20 gift certificate to Target, and this last month, another $5 certificate for Babies R Us showed up in the mail. The coolest thing? I have $30 showing up in the next month, and $80 within the month after. So, $115 for Babies R Us, and all through MyPoints. I’m saving them until the after Christmas sale and hoping to find us a damn good stroller and/or carseat with these certificates. My sister was always telling me about her certificates she earned, but until I started up I had no idea. Sure glad I did…free money, works for me.

Anyhow, check it out. If you want to use me as a referral, post a comment and I’ll give you my ID, but I don’t care if you don’t. Either way, try it out and see. For someone who’s pretty tight with money, it’s a nice extra surprise when the points add up and you actually earn something.

I’m pretty frustrated and disappointed with my mom. We talked last night, about a lot of things, and nearly everything was fine. When I mentioned the baby shower Gen and my sister are throwing for me late October she said “I’m still not sure if I’ll go or not”. I wanted to scream “WHAT?!?! It’s your daughter’s baby shower!!!” but I didn’t. I figured it had something to do with my sister and my friend Jenny, both who are disfellowshipped, and both planning on being there. Didn’t take long before my mom made clear I was right, and yes, she had issues with the shower mainly because Jenny was going to be there. I told her I would understand her decision, ’cause really, what else am I supposed to say?

Many of those reading Panacea may not understand what the big deal with Jehovah’s Witnesses and disfellowshipping, so let me try to clarify somewhat. Never underestimate a JW and their ability to shun someone in two seconds. This has happened to my middle sister, the one I get along with. Apparently they viewed her marriage to someone inappropriate because he wasn’t a true, Watchtower law-abiding Witness. In their eyes, that is. This has also happened to a friend of mine I’ve recently got in contact with.

Keep in mind the ones doing the shunning have generally acted as the closest of friends, but as soon as the announcement is made at the meeting, all things change. Not a word is spoken to them, barely even a smile or glance of acknowledgement. When I was in high school and this happened to my very close friend it hurt for me to not talk to her. I wanted to yell at everybody, what’s the big deal? It’s not like she’s killed anyone! She’s still my friend. But I ignored her because if I didn’t, then everyone would look at me and see something wrong with me and then, well, eventually they wouldn’t talk to me as well. No one has really experience “peer pressure” until they’ve been within a JW congregation.

Okay, obviously I’m no longer considering myself a JW, nor have I attended a meeting for nearly six years. I love my mom and dad, and have of course stayed in contact with them. And with my sister being disfellowshipped, well, I don’t give a damn. She’s my sister for goodness sake. In fact, we’ve become closer since she’s been disfellowshipped. Screw everyone else.

For years I hesitated to contact Jenny again, unsure how she’d react to my lack of connection with the whole JW thing. I was hesitant because my sister had recently contacted a different good friend of ours from way back. After pretty much being discarded once she’s mentioned she didn’t agree with everything taught by the JW’s and was no longer considering herself a Witness, I didn’t bother with that “friend”. Something in me told me Jenny would be different and I’m glad I listened to that part of my brain. We’d been friends since my birth, and I just couldn’t fathom losing touch with someone I’d spent so many years with. Well, earlier this year we talked forever on the phone (had to catch up) and off and on gone out together. This last weekend Jenny, Gen, and myself had lunch together.

My point in all this rambling is I can’t understand why my mom would not come to my baby shower because one of those attending is someone she “isn’t allowed to talk to” or is “bad association”. Bah. It’s not like she’ll have to LOOK at her (ok, that’s a bad joke, her being blind, but really, it’s true). I’ve been to parties where some of those I didn’t like or they didn’t like me, or whatever, but get this…we just chose not to talk to each other. Amazing concept.

I realize my mom wouldn’t know what to do if she didn’t have the Congregation as support and that is fine. It’s been her life growing up and I accept that. I will never understand, though, how she can let some elders decide whether or not she can talk to her daughter, or go to her other daughter’s baby shower. It’s absurd in my eyes and makes no sense.

I’m hoping she’ll get past the label and realize that yes, I’m her daughter and most likely I won’t be a having another baby shower anytime soon. I can hope, but I’m not counting on it.

Some days I should just never get out of bed. Today was one of them.

I managed to make the bus this morning, but really, I wish I hadn’t. Fifteen minutes down the road, just about to Northgate, this messed-up freak started yelling at passengers in the back of the bus. Really, not much of an issue, if he would have stayed in his seat and left everyone else alone. It’s just one of those things you put up with when riding Metro, especially on my route. Well, he didn’t stay put and he got louder and was moving up and down the aisle, his right fist flying with emphasis on the absurdities he was throwing about.

Before my pregnancy none of this would’ve bothered me. I would’ve closed my eyes and leaned against the window to try and ignore the dude. Like I said, crazy things happen on the bus, it’s not an abnormal occurrence. You get the riders who reek of alcohol or days on the street, and even obnoxious teenagers who throw things around. Shoot, I wasn’t even scared when a bus went over the Aurora Bridge a few years ago. It’s just life without a car and you get used to it.

But everything is different now. Hormones rushed, heart raced, and all I wanted to do was get off the bus. I hesitated for a minute, while the guy stayed in the part of the bus behind the accordion middle. Still yelling, still swinging his arm, but nowhere near me, up in front of the bus because I just didn’t feel like walking to my usual seat in the rear.

I don’t think the bus driver could really hear the guy, so thankfully two young men (I feel so old when I use that phrase, but really, they’re not boys) informed her of the situation when they took their stop at Northgate Way. On the phone with Metro headquarters I hear her asking for Police and then she announces over the speaker “sorry for the delay, we’ll be waiting here until the Police officer shows up. For those going to Northgate, there’s a 68 coming around the corner if you want to run for it.” Ugh. Me, run for a bus these days? Doesn’t happen. I just wanted off the bus, more uncomfortable than scared, yet I stayed put.
Then some lady screeches and I look back and see a small pocket knife in the guys hand. Lovely. Didn’t take me more than five seconds to be up and off that bus. I headed to the pay phone and called John to come rescue me and take me to work. Even if I we weren’t held up any longer I would’ve already missed my connection downtown.

A police car pulls up as I’m talking to John and I’m so frustrated, tired, and upset I start crying. I HATE it when I do that. Darn pregnancy, making me so emotional. Ugh. So, I hang up with John, who’s now on his way, and walk to the bus driver. She says they’ll be pulling up to the Transit Center and taking everyone’s police report, blah blah blah. I tell her I have someone picking me up and can’t I just fill it out later? The officer says it’s okay, since I wasn’t one of the guys he threatened I could go and not worry about it. Good thing.

John picked me up a few minutes later, but I was still stressing out. I’m fine now, but want a car more so than ever before. Looks like I’ll be getting a ride home tonight, ‘cause I just can’t deal with the bus today. Can’t imagine why…

To get this out of the way, I’m not going back to my daily life and ways of my journal because I don’t care about what’s happened. I just can’t keep thinking about everything because when I do, my stress level goes up and stress, well, isn’t exactly the best thing for my growing baby.

Tuesday morning at work, with all the pictures, headlines, everything running through my head, my insides were so tangled, and the lil one was flipping around and kicking like she’d never done before. The poor thing had no idea why mom was in such turmoil and that’s why I have to move on now.

Scenes from “War Games”, the 1980’s movie with Matthew Broderick, keep popping in my head. I see the X’s and O’x frantically flashing on the screen, the tracking lines flying from one city on the map to another, with green flashes signifying attacks. Most of all, I remember someone saying “It’s not a game”.

It feels so wrong being at work, going about my normal business.

John’s dad called and woke us up at 6:55am, when we already should’ve been on our way to work. The Pentagon, the World Trade Center, everything, just seems a blur to me. Something like this, as important as it is, wouldn’t have bothered me much before. I would’ve figured whatever happens will happen. But I have a kid on the way, so my whole world is different now. I just don’t know what to think right now.

Many thanks to the person who sent the baby soothing rocker. I’m pretty sure I know who it is, but still, thank you, thank you, thank you! I wasn’t really looking for a bouncer, since Gen was planning on giving mine hers, but looks like this rocker will server two purposes and be very usefull. Thanks! Anything is extremely helpful for us, and is very much appreciated.

Woo hoo! We have ourselves a new 2 bedroom apartment. So, next month by the 15th we’ll be in our new place. Heh, now we’ll be in the same building as Gen and her family, cool, cool. Yeah, a big move…from one building to another. We’re on the second floor, but it’s the same amount of stairs we walk down to our first floor, so not a biggie there.

The nifty thing about this move, and really, the only thing making a move plausible at this time, is how little we’ll have to pay. Only $75 to transfer, since that’s the non-refundable part of our original deposit. Plus, the manager isn’t asking for the full increased rent, but letting us pay our normal $650 and then we’ll figure out the difference to pay later.

I’m so excited I’m sure I’m driving John nuts, but I can’t help it.

Just when I think I’ve got John down he goes and throws me one of his curve balls. Saturday, after being out with Gen at the Farmer’s Market in the U District I come home to find this O’Sullivan Workcenter set up and my computer ready to go. Thanks to John and Gen’s husband, they’d managed to run to Office Depot, bring it back, and hook everything up. I believe I’ve been glowing ever since.

The funny thing about this desk is I was looking for one last week online and came across it on the OD site. I was stunned at the price, $49.88 and had to tell John. I figured I’d just buy with my next check, or the IRS check, whichever came first. For that price, hell yeah. Well, luckily, when John went into the store he had a print out of the item from online so he was able to get the price. Guess what? Now, it’s showing as $119.00. Heh, we slipped one by Office Depot, no doubt.

Well, I told my parents today. I think it’ll be quite a bit before they’re over the shock. The main part is because John and I aren’t getting married, I know. But at least they’re both being supportive. Oi, it was driving me nuts not being able to talk to my mom about all these things happening to me.

BTW, we’ve pretty much decided it’ll be Ashleigh Erin if it’s a girl (what the ultrasound pointed to). If she turns out to be a he, it’ll be Andrew…still working on the middle name.