This last week has just been frustrating…no other way to put it. My bi-polar symptoms have returned and they’re not only driving me nuts, but I believe John as well. I’ll see my doctor September 4th, and I plan on letting her know then. Lithium isn’t an option now, but if she could prescribe something, even if a very small dosage, I think it would help. I know a lot of my ups and downs are due to the drastic hormonal changes of this pregnancy, but I also recognize the not-so-subtle ways of my manic depression. I’m grateful John understands this and is being more supportive than I would’ve expected anyone. I try to let him know how much I appreciate everything he’s doing, but somehow I don’t feel I’m doing enough.

Still no job for John yet, but at least he’s doing some temp work, and had a few interviews this week. A possible permanent position available, so here’s hoping. It’s hard to relax a lot of the time with all these financial concerns running through my head. I know I shouldn’t worry, just let things happen, but not really so easy. Hard to be positive when I feel like I won’t be able to have everything for the baby when she gets here. We have a cradle, some clothes from friends, and will probably get plenty clothes from John’s brother, but there’s still bedding, diapers, blankets, stroller, car seat, and at least something to entertain the baby. I’ve never really felt so helpless as I do now.

Gen and I were at Fred Meyer’s last night and of course we had to look at the baby section. It really sucked not even able to buy something on clearance for $4. A major blow to any confidence I had before.

Some good news, I felt the little one for the first time this last week. Sometimes it feels like I’m being knuckled in the gut, other times, like last night, was more of an “Aliens” feeling. I called John in just in case he could actually feel it, but he didn’t make it in time and I doubt he would’ve felt anything yet. I got a feeling it’d really mean something when he can feel her for the first time, and I can’t wait to see his reaction when he does.

I finally have my cable router, but AT&T’s web site isn’t letting me order another IP Address, so I’m waiting on them. One of these days my new computer will be hooked up to cable access and I’ll be content online again. Which will mean more posts, since the whole dial-up annoys me and I tend to just not get online at all.

My boss gave me the ok to work at home one day a week, so Wednesdays will be the day for me. Staying home yesterday helped big time, especially since I was able to put my feet up while working at my computer. Made more of a difference than I had originally thought. Plus, the work week has been cut in two…big bonus.

A couple of nights ago I had one of those nightmares that wakes you up and you’re sitting there, heart pounding faster that you thought imaginable. It’s been a while since I’ve had one that made it difficult to fall back asleep, but I suppose this one made up for it. The nightmare was an odd one for me, as it was somewhat based (ok, thinly based) on the character Hannibal, from well, Hannibal and Silence of the Lambs. Odd, because of all the horror movies I’ve seen, I’ve never been affected by them in my sleep.

The main idea of the dream turned nightmare was John and I were looking for a new place to live. It was a long process, checking different apartments and houses out, walking through the rooms, talking with many people. All this I remember doing. And then there is this huge gap between the looking and when I’m opening some tool box of our new roommate. Upon opening, I see all these blades and knives and funky tools. It’s then I hear “Alicia” in that same freaky voice Hannibal says it to whatshername, and I look up and see his face, floating in the air. It’s at this moment when I woke up, and the only reason I didn’t scream was because I had to catch my breath.

They say pregnant women dream more, but really, I think it seems like that because we’re always getting up to pee, so we remember them clearer. I don’t think I would’ve had any problems remembering this one any other day of my life, either. I even had to call John from the living room to come lay with me so I could fall back asleep. Every time I closed my eyes my mind would go crazy with scenarios from the movie Hannibal, and my heart would race wildly. And I STILL remember the dream as of now…

I’m doing a lot better today. John has been amazing the past few days, plus he’s now working a temp job, with an interview next week. So, the majority of my stress has been eased.

I did get my new computer on Tuesday. We were both like little kids (me more so, of course), peeking outside in search of the UPS truck. Most is hooked up, though the printer should be arriving today. After some major frustrations with my wireless mouse (I no longer fling it on to the floor by accident when I get up), I’m managing. Having to dial up for internet access sucks ass, but as soon as the shipment with the router arrives, I’ll be good to go.

Last night I had issues with removing my USB card from my old Mac 8500, but I’ll put that in my computer today so I’m able to have my cam and scanner plugged in at the same time. Finally, the ability to scan pictures again! The scanner is so tiny, though, compared to my ancient scanner of before. Not even a couple pounds, I don’t think.

Hopefully I’ll be able to find some decent desk setup next month, as I’m feeling quit cramped in area next to John’s computer. Luckily my monitor stand is in fine shape, but with my keyboard on a wood tv tray in front of it, the scanner on my wheelio file cabinet, with the speaker box as the mouse surface, my annoying office choice just tops it off. That I have to move the tv tray to insert any disk is going to get to me very soon.

I burned my first cd last night, and popped in a DVD to check out the quality. So far it’s all working. It’ll be a little bit before I feel at home with everything, when I reach the point of calling my new computer “my baby”. I think its name will be Zeke. Something about that name.

Tuesday and Wednesday I worked from home, and I’m definitely thinking that’ll work for me. Obviously, when I’m further along, I might even work two days a week regularly, but for now, it helped. Sometimes the noise and buzz of the office just piles the stress on and makes it worse.

Well, I’m showing. I’ve been able to feel the difference, but I didn’t really notice until I looked in the mirror today. Gen says she’s noticed lately, but then again, she’s got a different perspective, and sees me all the time. She thinks many people wouldn’t notice, since it looks like I’ve just added a few pounds, but I’m sure in a month there’ll be no doubting I’m pregnant. A relief, because yeah, I know I’m pregnant, but it doesn’t feel like it sometimes…feels more like a dream.

Looks like the baby shower my sister and Gen are having for me will be at the end of October. Most of my friends are males, so it’s been interesting trying to come up with a list of female friends to come. I think we have about ten right now. Gen and picked out the papers at Ben Franklin last weekend and I’m looking forward to the final invitations. Store bought just wouldn’t cut it for us, lol. I hope Karolyn and Gen come up with some fun ideas, though it’ll be my baby shower, so I doubt it will matter…it’ll just be exciting. I know how much I love buying and wrapping gifts for other expectant mothers, but for once I’ll be on the other end.

My sister, Karolyn and my nephew, Jordan, will be up that weekend, while John is in Cheney for his EWU Alumni stuff, so it’ll be a packed couple of days. It’s been forever since I’ve seen the two of them, and I’m looking forward to staying up with Karolyn, talking until we fall asleep. My current place is much larger than the last one, so at least there’s more room for everybody. More space in the living room for Jordan to spread his :eggos and extensive setups he creates.

My mom kept bringing up babies and all that stuff Tuesday and it was driving me nuts. I’m sure hoping John gets a good job soon, otherwise, I’m just going to tell her in September. I know she won’t be able to see the changes, even if I become huge, but my dad’s eyesight isn’t that bad, and my mom can usually pick up on changes with me. She’s been really concerned with me being sick and tired so much lately, I feel bad not telling her why it’s happening. It doesn’t help that John’s pulling the “I’m not going to meet your parents until the latest possible”.

The office is so quiet, it feels like a weekend in here. Just today and tomorrow, then weekend, finally. Last weekend was so busy, I’m hoping to just chill, lay in bed, and tinker with my computer. I need to find some way to prop my feet up before they start swelling, so maybe I’ll experiment with that.

I keep forgetting to bring a pillow into work…my damn butt is so sore!

I’m just not happy right now. I don’t even feel comfortable in my own apartment for goodness sake. And I feel like I must be emitting vibes online and in person that scream “I’m pregnant, don’t talk to me, I’m not a person anymore.” UGH.

I’m beginning to really dislike non-pregnant people. Or at least those who think they know more about me and my body than I do.

Earlier today I stepped on the elevator to go down to floor four (I’m on five, yet the bathrooms up here are STILL being remodeled). Two of my co-workers were on there and one said “You can take the stairs, you shouldn’t need the elevator”. She said it in a joking manner, but I could see both of them looking at each other at the absurdity of me taking the elevator for one flight. AUGH!

I didn’t say anything because whenever I mention my arthritis, fibromyalgia, or knee injuries I sound like I’m making excuses. But it pissed me off! Both these women have kids, so they know what it’s like to have joints loosen up on them. I shouldn’t have to explain to them I could take the stairs, but if I did, I’d have to go one stair at a time, clinging to the railing, fearful my knee would dislocate. My usual iffy knees are even more so these days with this wonderful pregnancy thing. I feel like a lazy person already, taking the elevator all the time, but it’s necessary. The last thing that needs to happen is for me to take a fall down cement stairs.

Just another saga about people who won’t keep their mouths shut and their suggestions/opinions to themselves. And to think I have just under five more months of dealing with these idiots.

Yesterday morning I saw how gorgeous it was outside, realized I was feeling just fine, no grumpies, not pregnant feelings, and no lingering cold stuff, so I called Gen and suggested Green Lake. I was not going to let a perfectly good sunny day go by, ’cause who knows when the next “perfect” non-moody day would happen. So Gen picked me up from work and we headed over to Greenlake.

We piled some stuff and her two-year old into the stroller and headed around the lake towards the wading pool. Teylor was such a cutie, sitting with her legs dangling, smiling as the wind blew her hair from her face, and chanting “water, water, water” until we actually made it to the wading pool. We parked on the other side of the lake from the pool, so in the whole trip we had the full three miles walked. Other than being extremely hungry as soon as we started walking (taken care of with the Ceasar Wrap I grabbed from World Wraps across the street), we did fine walking. Oh, well, okay, so I couldn’t stear the stroller straight by the time we got to the car, but that was from the sun headache I’d aquired.

Teylor did the mad dash into the pool as soon as she was down to her swimsuit, fell down, and then ran back to us crying. After that, just fine, floating around, playing with kids, and running from one side to Auntie Shala (me), and back.

We ran into someone who went to school with us and saw her little girl. It was very relaxing, dangling my feet in the water. I couldn’t help but think of a year from now with my little one. Gen had this little Ralph Lauren swimsuit given to her for Teylor that was never used, so it’s sitting in my pile of clothes, ready…hopefully it’ll fit mine okay next summer. Wow, just the thought…next year at this time I’ll be a mother of a 6-7 month old.

Augh! I’m so excited! I have a nifty new computer on the way, along with a new scanner, so I’ll be able to put up the most recent Ultrasound pic, and scan some others, too. John, of course, now feels the need to upgrade his computer since I’ve a newer one. As if his 40 gig isn’t enough, lol. Heh, after using my five year old Apple PowerPC 8500 to its limit (and it’s now moved on to my friends’ place), I will be in a giddy state once my new baby arrives next week. Yowsers.

They put the candy basket back up at the front desk. I am so in trouble…how can I possibly resist Starburst?!

Remember way back when everyone was claiming one day we’d have a paperless society? Well, after a minimum of six hours in front of the copier the past few days at work all I have to say is “Paperless society my ass”.

I am trying to ignore this excruciating pain in my ears, but it’s pretty much impossible. I went to sleep a few hours ago with some aching in my ears, only to wake up two hours later in massive pain. I don’t recall having an ear infection or ache this powerful since I was younger. The shitty thing…I know if I had been able to take some allergy medicine the past couple days this would even be an issue. But, since I’m pregnant, only Tylenol is allowed, so therefore all this extra mucous and stuff has drained into my ears. Fuck, this hurts. Here’s hoping the four Tylenol are effective in some way, but not counting on it. Dr. Burdick will definitely be hearing from me tomorrow…she’s gonna have to be creative and think of something I can take to ease this crap.

It’s times like these I just want to call my mom…