Someone needs to invent something so you can just scream into it but it’ll suck all the volume out…so you can let your frustrations out without startling everyone. Fuck, I am not liking my job today. Communication…it’s helpful guys!

I was about read to fall asleep last night when my mom gave me a call. At 10:30pm, I knew something was up. Unfortunately, my dad is back in the hospital. I guess he was having some pains. Mom says he should be coming home today, but who knows. I really wish they’d keep him in there to make sure he really is okay. According to Mom he really isn’t taking very good care of himself, so I just want someone to help. Very frustrating.

And my Mom keeps asking how I’m doing which is gradually driving me nuts because I just want to blurt out “I’m pregnant.” but I haven’t yet. As soon as John has a job then I’ll tell her…the last thing she needs is one more thing to worry about. I wish I didn’t feel so crappy all the time, that I had enough energy to make a trip over to my parents’. Maybe if this second trimester were to lighten up even just a little bit, I’d be able. Soon, I hope.

Policeman Kills Armed Black Man in Cincinnati

Why can’t they just leave the word “Black” out of the headline? The article doesn’t touch on any racial issue but just a little bit so why was it necessary to include it in the headline? Even so…I hate the media.

To all those out there doing the blog-o-thon or sponsoring someone…I have the fucking choice to support someone or not. And right now…I chose to support myself and this baby growing in me. I’m sick and tired of a majority of those saying to their readers “You should” sponsor someone, blah blah blah blah, fuck. Just because you feel you’re obligated to do something does NOT make such an obligation mine. So back off. Go ahead, feel proud for what you’re doing, donating money to whatever organization, but stop pulling the guilt trip bit. Besides, it’s not working for me anyway, it’s just annoying the hell out of me.

Suddenly, M’s struggle

Of course, I’m happier than most Seattle residents with this happening. Shoot, I was ecstatic when Ichiro Susuki went into a 22 game hitting slump. Made my day. But anyways, I find it quite hilarious how upset Seattle and the media have been over a two-game loss. I’m not defending the Mariners, but hello, supposed great Mariners fans…where’s the faith? Seriously.

My point is, really, if you’re such good fans, why are you creating such a big deal about two games lost? If you’re really the fans you claim to be you’d just shrug your shoulders and brush it off, declaring “this is nothing”.

Surely everyone has their down moments as a team, and it was bound to happen for the Mariners. Shit, the Yankees have lost many games lately but I still have my faith and believe in them. Chin up people…your Mariners will win another game again, no doubt, but if you expect them to make it further than last year, you need to stay positive and stop with the negativity. It just doesn’t work if you want a successful team in any sport.

I keep looking up and seeing the most recent ultrasound picture on my wall. Sometimes I smile, other moments I sigh.

I have framed pictures of my nephew Jordan and Gen’s daughter on my desk. In just a few months I’ll have pictures of my own kid up. Weird to think about it like that.

I remember my last job and I had all sorts of toys and conference give-aways and a large assortment of pictures all over. Now, other than the pages and post-its for the job, I don’t have much around me. Just enough to make me smile when I’m hating the day.

To the left I have a card from Gen that says: “Thought for the Day - Every morning, all the stupid people you know get together and plan way to make your life more difficult…just thought you’d like to know.” Next to it is a black and white picture of James Gandolfini (Tony, from The Sopranos), a partial profile with him smiling, and holding a ducking up close to his face. I plan on drawing this one day myself. On the right I have: a couple pairs of Spokane Chiefs hockey game tickets; My NHL’s Greatest Hits 2001 calendar; a picture of the HAWK-tuey! poster Gen and I worked on, along with a pic of me with T-Bird (I’m not a fan of the Seattle T-Birds, but it was the night and the fun of the game I remember); the ultrasound from 7/6 that shows our baby’s profile; the picture of my nephew, standing tall; Gen’s daughter, Teylor, with a big grin, and a jack-o-lantern painted on her cheek, framed in green; a picture of me while in Taluum, Mexico, 1995; and a piece of black paper that say I “heart” U and then a scrunchy face in the glow pen, drawn by my nephew.

I have a strong feeling as soon as my kid is born and I’ve taken pictures, there’ll be regular updates on my walls. I wonder if it’ll make it easier for me to be at work, or if I’ll just want to be at home with him or her.

Well, no Chiefs job. Bummer. We’re still looking

BTW, in response to the anonymous person who emailed me this morning, I did not post the links to my Target and Babies ‘R Us baby registeries because I’m greedy and expect everyone to buy someone for me. I listed them because I’ve been asked by numerous people online and in my everyday life what John and I will be needing or would like. Instead of having to repeat the answer over and over again I decided to make it easier for everyone to take a look for themselves. Besides, it’s a reminder for myself as well.

I don’t expect anything from anyone. Period. I believe there’s a song lyric for this “If you don’t expect too much, you might not be let down”.

Okay, I’ve something I’ve been meaning to bring up on here, but until yesterday when I read my sister’s post about me and John’s situation, I didn’t really feel the need. I ended up telling my sister pretty much what I’m writing…but I feel it’d help to tell everyone. Now, well, here goes.

I felt a little defensive when I read her comments, though I think was from a combination of everything happening lately. I’ve been bombarded by all the women here at work who feel their knowledge of pregnancy is more important than what my doctor has instructed. Plus, no matter what I say, no one seems to understand that John and I are friends, and to us it’s more important to stay friends than to get married when we weren’t even considering it beforehand. So, really, I’m tired of having to defend myself and my decisions as if I’m on trial.

I’m sure many feel their ideas are in my best interests, but they’re not. Right now I just need someone to be there, and not someone to suggest this, pick me apart about this, or question that. I’m still the same person I was before I became pregnant, and I wish someone would remember that. The relief of having a conversation that doesn’t consist of pregnancy or baby stuff would be a welcome change for once. Granted, I bring the topic up on my own, but that’s when I’m excited. But such a rare occasion when I’m feeling excited about the whole situation. Everyone just assumes I’m excited and happy and joyful about everything, so when they get all excited and I’m not feeling to up on the subject…I start feeling like I’m doing something wrong.

I appreciate the support from everyone, I do. But, really, when someone dies, do you advise them on how they should feel, what they should do? No, usually (or I’d hope) one would be there by someone’s side to listen. So far…only a couple people have really shown me that type of support and it’s really frustrating.

It’s no wonder I don’t feel like hanging out with many people anymore, and a book while surrounded by piles of pillows is my favorite thing lately.

How difficult is it to pay a few bucks for a Dr. Grip pen for someone with Arthritis? Sheesh. And those little add-on rubbery things for pens and pencils…they don’t help worth crap.

At least today is pretty relaxing. Just about everything for work was completely by yesterday evening, so I’ve just little things to do today.

I managed to fit into one of my favorite pairs of shorts this morning. An amazing task, especially since they don’t have an elastic waist band. Probably the last week I’ll be able to wear them until this baby is born.

John’s doing some temp work this weekend, so at least he’ll have some extra cash to cover a few things. Unfortunately, no progress or status report with the Chiefs yet, but hopefully we’ll know on Monday. I’m confident he’ll find something good, but it’s just a matter of when.

Of course, I still can’t help but think about the different possibilities with my job. There’s a big part of me which knows I’m going to stick with this current job for quite a while. Mainly, because I hate looking for a job, hate the interviewing and wondering if you’ll ever get it, and all that crap. I believe I learned my lesson this last year.

It is still very tempting to find another job, something somewhat lazy, just so I can work at something less taxing. Gen has mentioned going in and seeing about getting on DSHS for medical and I just can’t do it. Granted, that’d be a way to move from one place to another and not be concerned about medical coverage, but still…not my kind of thing. Especially when I know I don’t NEED the help. I’m fully capable of supporting myself and the baby, though tough it may seem. So, again, as I couldn’t stay with a job without fully doing my job, I couldn’t take assistance when I know I can do it on my own. Personally, I don’t understand how other people can do it. Lack of conscience most likely.

(a side thought, it was mentioned on the Howard Stern show this morning how in some city or state, welfare will be cut off past the third child. Sounds good to me, though I hope they’d take into consideration those parents left by their husband or wife with four or more children to support)

After a conversation with my mom the other day, I’m very tempted to clue her in on the baby situation. I’m sure she didn’t quite understand why I was so upset by a topic, and I hate her not knowing what’s going on. Yet, I’m waiting, because I’d like John to have a job before I spill it. It’ll make the whole ten-trillion questions issue a lot easier I would think.

I called AT&T earlier to lower our Digital Cable package, and will be investigating lower phone package in a few. Anything to help with monthly expenses. It’s a bummer there’s no way to lower our internet bill down, since the package we have is the only cable internet package by AT@T. And lord help me if I ever have to experience DSL in my life again. I can’t think of anything else to cut down or out, but something is better than nothing. Once John has a job it’ll be easier, ’cause then at least rent will be split, leaving money open for a car and insurance for myself. One can hope

Some good news today…I came into work to read an email from my long lost bud, Adam. I’ve been looking for him the past year or so, and even though I talked with his brother I felt like I wasn’t going to see him anytime soon. Then, I found out I was pregnant. I couldn’t help but remember when we talked in high school and the year after…about life, family, children, and such stuff. He figured himself the “Uncle” type. So here I am, expecting in January. Luckily he’ll be back in Seattle in May and then he’ll have someone to be an uncle too. I’m excited. Of all those from school and years before he was the last one I was really wanting to catch up to.

Heh, btw, it’s thanks to him this site was name “Mixed Nuts”. One day during a lunch conversation against the lockers of Shorecrest High School, we discussed how everyone was just nuts. Seems he felt I was more than a regular nut, and since I loved cashews so much, I was then on known as “Cashews”. We dubbed Adam “Almonds”. I would sign yearbooks “live a salty life” (the things ya do in high school…) All of us, we’re just a group of mixed nuts. Or so we felt then. Therefore, the name of my site.

I believe I have some pictures scanned of him from five years ago…I’ll post one or two if I can find the right zip disk. I really miss the guy.

I’m getting to the point to where I just want to give up. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to make it through six more months AND work. Okay, I can make it through the day, but I am so scatterbrained it’s annoying. And it’s making doing my work adequately very difficult. Over the past couple weeks I’ve discovered numerous BIG mistakes I made through this last month.

I realize I should be feeling better during the second trimester, but I’m not. Nausea is gone, but I can’t think, I can’t breathe, and I can’t sleep. I ache and ache, and all around feel like crap. Plus, I’m told the 2nd semester is a break between the 1st and 3rd, so great, what the hell are the last few months going to be like?! I just feel awful. I feel like I’m letting everyone down, especially my boss, since I’m not able to work at my usual capabilities.

We’re hoping John gets the new job with the Spokane Chiefs, but who knows. We’ll find out the progress on Friday. Only thing…whereas I originally didn’t think much about him being there, and me here, and eventually it all working out, now it’s different. I’m ready to up and move over there with him if he gets the job. And it’s because I’m not strong enough to stay here and with this job. But how am I supposed to keep working my position when I don’t feel like I’m doing it as well as I should be. I’m not one of those who can do a crappy job even if no one notices or cares. I know my potential; I know my capabilities and fooling others doesn’t fool myself.

I found out yesterday that Pregnancy isn’t considered a “pre-existing condition” with health insurance. This, of course, makes it easier for me to think ‘hey, I can just find some job in Spokane and still be covered’. But whom am I kidding? Even if I were to find a job doing exactly what I’m doing here I’d make a few bucks less and hour. So, if I were to get an easy-going job, I’d make even less. Shitty, ‘cause bills wouldn’t be able to get paid, I wouldn’t be able to afford a car, and well, it just wouldn’t work. Rent may be a few hundred bucks less, but not enough to make a difference.

I’ll probably end up staying in Seattle. If he were to get the job, I don’t consider that an ideal situation, but take whatcha can get I suppose. I just don’t want the kid to only see its dad on weekends or less often than that…not because he doesn’t want to, but because of the distance. ARGH!

Of course, all this speculation and who knows if John even has this job. But how can I NOT think about stuff? It’s fucking impossible to ignore the possibilities and questions running around in my jumbled head. When I wake up in the morning and just want to roll back over and scream “fuck work” it’s hard to ignore anything.

The only positive thing I can think of lately is how much financial aid I’ll get when the kid is born and I’m able to go back to school. Selfish, huh?

—

Another hiring note from my office. Keep in mind, any of you apply and make it 90’s with Insightful I will adore you even more so for the $1,000 that’ll come my way. So, if you are interested or know someone who might be, please pass this along:

Wanted:
Senior Accountant, Seattle office

Aliases:
Bean Counter, Number Cruncher, Actuary “wanna-be”

Wanted for:
General ledger, auditing of financials, reports, statements and special
projects/assignments as necessary.

Distinguishing characteristics:
CPA, 2-3 years public accounting experience (preferably with a Big 5 firm).

Sense of humor is mandatory.

Salary: D.O.E.

Contact David Nova, Human Resources Mng.
Insightful Corporation
1700 Westlake Avenue North, Suite 500
Seattle, WA 98109-3044
206-283-8802×244
dnova@insightful.com

I’ve been here a whopping thirty minutes and now John is on his way to come pick me up. I feel like crap. Wish I never got up this morning. Why won’t these awful pregnant feelings just go away? How in the hell am I supposed to get work or anything done?! ARGH!

Going home…

Some people can just piss off. It’s like no one has ever heard of common fucking curteousy! I’ve been trying to heat up my damn Hot-Pocket for the past 15 minutes, yet no success. You’d think putting it next to the microwave on its plate would say hey, I’m next, ya know? Shit, everyone else puts their stuff in a “waiting line” and I fucking wait for them to take their whatever minutes to cook their meals. But everytime I turned my fucking back someone had put theirs in before I even got a fucking chance. So yeah, I’m fucking pissed. I’m pregnant and I’m hungry. There’s a part of me that hopes when I get bigger and people realize I’m pregnant that they feel like shit for being assholes. Doubt they’d even feel bad, but it’s a hope of mine.

In clearing out my email I found an email trail regarding our toaster oven here at work. It was funny then, and it’s still funny now. If you follow the links you’ll understand why I was laughing…

Subject: Re: Dangerous Toaster-Oven at 4th floor kitchen

First Email:
“I happened to find it was very hot and no one was using that before I get the power plug out. It could lead to fire. Please take the plug out if you finish using it, or we should have a brand new one. ”

Second Email:
“This happens only because people fail to TURN IT OFF. There are TWO control knobs. It is not necessary to unplug it.”

Third Email:
“I think we should get a new one. What would it cost us if we had a fire? A new toaster oven costs from $50 to $200. That seems a minimal price to pay for safety.”

Fourth Email:
“I’m for that. How about an actual toaster, rather than a stupid toaster-oven?”

Fifth Email:
“Imagine the email thread debating cost/benefit analysis of toaster vs. toaster oven. What about Sourdough bread? Wouldn’t a toaster oven be more reasonably accommodating? In the interests of safety, fire prevention and the Pop Tart Fan Club, I’ll look into a replacement.”

Sixth Email:
“Here’s a great link for your toaster challenge:

toastercentral.com/tom2.htm

Maybe a barter could be in order? Good luck!”

Seventh Email:
“And just in case anyone is unconvinced of the incendiary potential of pop tarts and toasters:

www.sci.tamucc.edu/~pmichaud/toast/

I’m okay. And thanks for the concern, Tracy. I called my Dr. Thursday and she had me come in for an ultrasound Friday. Everything looked fine. In fact, once I get around to it, I’ll have a picture of the u/s up for everyone to see. He (I can’t shake the feeling it’ll be a boy) kept flailing his arms around during the majority of the ultrasound. Too cute. But they looked and looked and everyone didn’t see anything of concern.

I’m figuring the doc will say cool off on the deep penetration during sex. Hmm. That’s gonna suck. But we’ll see what she says.

I’ve just been lazing around lately. Haven’t had much energy at all. John’s in the kitchen being superman with all four burners going for dinner. A lot more on my mind, but I’m just not up much for being at the computer. Eventually I’ll write some more…

Hockey game lasts 24 hours

Damn, now that’s a hockey game I would’ve loved to watch. I can never get enough of hockey. Never.

My speakers are doing their thing again, only one of them working. Ugh. Next time I’ll use my stereo they’ll be fine…until they decide to mess with me again. I love this Aiwa stereo, but I need to do something about the speaker wires. Fun.

Listening to Better Than Ezra right now. One of my favorite albums, yet it brings back a lot of memories of ‘95 and ‘96. The year I lived in Virginia, my ex played bass in a band. I sang a few Cranberries and Alannis songs for them every now and then, but “Good” by Better Than Ezra was everyone’s favorite, mine as well.

I just love how I can not listen to something for years but have the ability to still know all the words to every song.

“it was good, a-living with you, uh-ho, it was good,” …(taking a break to dance around the living room)…”Maybe I’ll call or write you a letter or maybe we’ll see on the 4th of July, but I’m not too sure, and I’m not too proud…to say uh-ho it was good, living with you…so good. Yeah, you were so good…”

Looks like I won a pri-ize. And a pretty nifty one, too.

I received a FedEx saying I won 1st place prize in the Nokia Ride the Light 2001 Sweepstakes. Apparently the prize is an Official Autographed Fender Squier guitar signed by Collective Soul and Fastball. Right fucking on.

The cool think about this, other than winning, is I actually remember entering this contest. I found out about the Collective Soul concert in Seattle a week after it happened. Seeing as how they’re pretty darn near my favorite group I was quite pissed off. But I did enter the contest on the same page as well, shit, anything signed by them or music related would be a cool prize. Hehe, no kidding.

I’ll take a picture once it shows up…