Anti-Adrian Goes Pro-Tobacco

Adrian (an ex) and I used to disagree on many things, and I’m sure we still do. “If you have a problem with “Big Tobacco,” you have two options: one is to practice moderation and grow your own tobacco plants. It can’t be harder than growing marijuana or tomatoes. The other option is to not smoke. You will not suffer if you don’t.”

As I said before when I commented on Debbie, I couldn’t agree more.

“But the fact is that whether or not they realize it, Americans adore Japanese creations.”

Most Americans would have been more appropriate. From the list “of what they’ve brought to our pop culture, from A to Z” the only thing that romotely interests me is Karaoke. This is only because I love to sing…long before they brought the idea over here. I’d do just fine without sushi bars, noodle houses, Hello Kitty, and anime, and I’m tired of hearing about Ichiro Suzuki with every news cast and in every paper I see.

Sitting here enjoying my Stretch Island Fruit Leather. Ever had em? I fell in love with them last year sometime when they were on sale at Safeway 10 for $1.00. Couldn’t pass that up. These things are grub…no extra sugars or nothing. Here’s the ingredients for my Rare Raspberry: apples, pears, raspberries, lemon juice. Right on. Nummers.

btw, I’m in a much better mood now. I had a damn good workout, feel better than I’ve felt in a long time. Maybe it’s because when I got home and was tired…I just planted myself on the couch and did nothing. Rested this body of mine. Anyhow, good night and here’s hoping I don’t have anymore messed up dreams (not like I really had to think hard to pull apart the one last night).

Did it EVER occur to these assholes I might actually have to PAY RENT?!?!?! Yes, I owe them money, I don’t deny that, but to claim I’ve been given notice and received a copy of the damn garnishment in the mail is pure fucking bullshit. ‘Cause I never received it. Ever call to double-check? Nooooo, didn’t thing so. I know I can’t fight a garnishment, and I don’t plan on it, it’s my debt, but jesus fucking christ people, at least let a person know so they have time to get money to pay their god damn fucking rent.

Yes, I’m upset. REALLY hate people today.

I’m really hating people this morning. Very much so. Not only did the fucking bus come early AGAIN (therefore I missed it), I missed the connection at Northgate. When I did get on a bus I was stuck behind some freak that smelled worse the what I cleaned out of my fridge this weekend. Which of COURSE triggered my nausea and it was all I could do to keep from retching on this dude’s backpack. So much for the cheerful fucking sun.

Here’s my lil grain of rice and its heartbeat. Gen says it’ll be a boy because of the slow and steady beat, but leave it to me to prove her theory wrong after five babies.

AUGH! I just wanted my watermelon! All I can think of is my plump melon at home chillin’ on the fridge shelf waiting to be sliced open. Stupid stupid delies didn’t have any fruit for me. Nitwits.

I wanted to tell the cashier at Safeway last night “I’m pregnant, okay? I usually don’t eat all this stuff, I don’t even know why half of it’s in my cart”. But I didn’t. Soon enough they’ll notice…they see me everyday. How could I resist the watermelon on sale, my bag of Popsicles (finished all of Gen’s), and the chocolate chip mint ice cream (at least it was the Healthy Choice stuff that caught my eye). I probably confused em with the green peppers and cucumbers.

I joke, laugh about it, but really I’m just scared. Having a baby at this point in my life is the last thing I expected to happen, and the last thing I really needed. Granted, my trip to the doctor explained why I’d been feeling so crappy, been so damn emotional, and tired, tired, tired. Five weeks along was the guesstimate last night with the ultrasound. Itty bitty. “About the size of a grain of rice” claimed the doc, and all I could do was laugh. John hates rice. Lovely.

For the most part I’m not all that excited, still somewhat numb, but I have pre-registered with Target; couldn’t help myself. It was one of the first things I did just because…because I didn’t know how else to react, and still don’t. I think Genevieve is more excited than John and I combined.

It’s frustrating knowing many of my plans will have to be put on hold for a while, if not years. The last thing I should be doing is ice skating and playing hockey, so scratch that. With my passion for the sport, though, I hope it won’t fade from my goals down the road. School…well, I was about to take three courses this Spring quarter, but looks like I’ll have to save the money for later, or pay off bills. I guess I just don’t see it reasonable I’ll be up for finishing the degree while working full-time and taking care of a little one. Oh how I wish I had such strength and energy, but in the past I haven’t even been able to work and do school at the same time. Reality sucks sometimes.

One positive bit is I don’t have to say goodbye to the gym and working out. Of course, I have to be extra careful, watch the loose joints and body temperature, but I’ll manage. Right now I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t work out. I’d feel lost.

In some way I feel cheated, and a little bitter, life being so unfair: now that I’m finally losing the weight I’ve worked so hard to fight, now that I’m seeing the loss, feeling the added strength…it won’t matter. Yeah, it’ll be less to lose afterwards, and my added muscle strength will help in labor, but still. Why can’t I have one fucking summer where I look decent in a damn swimsuit?! So yeah, just a tad bitter about that.

I’m sure I’ll be happy later. And I did smile when I heard the heartbeat last night. I’m just scared.

Here’s the new layout I’ve been working on for my whole site. It’s now been kicked into gear on Panacea before I’ve finished all the other pages…because my jackass self fucked up my blogger template and doesn’t feel like messing with it for now. Phfft.

I’m amazed it took so long for it all to “click” into place. Genevieve was probably entertained by my ignorance and sat back and laughed. Now…I just have to keep telling everyone at work “I’m fine, I’m fine” for the next few months, even though I feel like I just ran into a wall a couple times. Damn morning sickness is all-day for me. (7-up, Pop Tarts, and Zoo crackers are my new best friends. Popsicles are sounding nummy too.)

I’ve finally found a pair of shoes I’m sticking with. The Reebok Aurora DMX are perfect. Originally I bought a pair of New Balance cross trainers, yet after one day of wear, the snug fit turned into confining and my feet lost circulation. Plus, the left heel had already lost its oomph. So, earlier this week I purchased some Nikes, but didn’t even wear them before they were returned. They just didn’t cut it. Maybe I’m just too picky. Anyhow, so now I have my shoes, and I’m loving them.

This never used to be an issue with me. I rarely wore anything but nice casual shoes, generally black. Yet last night…I was biking, stretching, and working out with these babies on. Oooh yeah.

Speaking of working out…Last week I asked John to help me get into shape, work with me at the gym. I knew I could do it on my own, but I needed the extra push, someone to help me with the last rep so I could go further. First, I have no clue why I’ve been so emotional lately, so I was quite surprised the first couple days go so smoothly. I enjoyed the free weights…I was doing something new, could feel the muscles working, appreciated John’s help. And then for some reason I got so frustrated with the Precor. My knees were weak, John pumping away on the bike pissed me off and I just wanted to go home. I felt like a stranger in the gym, once my second home.

Friday was even more ridiculous with my moodiness rearing its nasty bugger head. What the hell was wrong with me? I get competitive sometimes with John, but between us it’s usually a healthy bit. Finally, I gave up trying to push myself and said fuck it, wait a couple days, start over. So yesterday we tackled the gym and everything was fine. Maybe I just needed a few days to get used to working out with someone. More likely, I needed to realize he’s just trying to help and I need to tell him how my body feels, what works for me instead of expecting him to read my mind. Last night was amazing. I even discovered the bike gives my legs a damn good workout, though I’d tried to deny it to his face before. Sometimes I hate how stubborn I am. I know it hinders my progress at times, but it’s who I am. I work on it, but really, I don’t want to give in to everyone, everything, so trying to find a happy medium somewhere.

Obsessive-conpulsive? I’d bet you money if I had any the obsessive conpulsiveness is rooted from manic-depression. Just betcha.

Ah, nothing quite like receiving email from Maxim while at work. Check out your new hockey name. Me, Gordie McHansendyk, finds this quite entertaining, especially after just watching Slap Shot recently. As Don says here at the office “be nice or she might check ya into the wall”.

I miss Donilyn. It�s been over a month since I�ve talked to or seen my bud and I�m kicking myself in the ass. Idiotic me lost my cell phone right after it was disconnected (at least no one can use it, right?)�therefore losing most phone numbers. Crazy thing�I live at most four blocks away from her parents�, where she drops off and picks up her kid every weekday. Whenever I walk down the street her car is never there, so I walk away, frustrated�for some reason I can�t find it in me to knock on their door and ask for her damn number. Stupid, huh? I�m probably a five minute drive away, yet I don�t have a car, and I know she�d never be home if I were to bus it up there. I�d have Genevieve or John take me by�but Donnie is highly annoyed by Gen and well, she also can�t stand John (why she passed him on to me�thanks again!)

For a couple weeks I just didn�t try to find her, knowing the three things in my life I cared to talk about, John, hockey and working out, she would care less about. I miss our hours of phone conversations, stupid stupid stupid nights out at the bars, the trips to Monroe for the Saturday races, and just driving around trying to think of where to eat, where to go. Dammit, if we could make it through 8th and 9th grade orchestra with Mr. Boyd, surely we can manage the relationship bullshit, right?

John leaves Monday, so I�ll try to get home in time to stop by her parents�. I guess I�m living up to the negative meaning of �Jackass� if I do nothing. For once, a Mademoiselle article was actually useful in my life.

Vagina washing antibacterial shower rod - Damn, this looks fun.

I’ve some real talent, folks. I managed to miss my bus this morning…twice. Oh yes, sometimes I just love what I can do.

Even though I was late for work, my morning is definitely going good. Not one, but two men talked with me, said I was pretty and asked me out for dinner sometime. One even gave up his seat on the extremely pack bus so I wouldn’t have to hold the bar all the way downtown. Those two made my morning, especially when all I wanted to do was cry in frustration because it seemed like I’d never get to work.

Most of all, they reminded me how much I missed John, and how much he means to me. I know, I saw him two weeks ago, will be seeing him tonight, and we talk everyday, but I still miss him. This morning I was reminded why John and I get along so well, why my life is better when he’s included. Many haven’t been able to put up with my quirks, my independence, my bi-polar moods, my desires, and my intermittent need to push away at times. John does…but he makes me feel good about myself, reminds me of the positive aspect of things, and encourages me more than anyone ever has. I could go on and on, but really, it all sums up to him meaning a lot to me. Yet both of us and our inability to commit keeps us from admitting what we’re actually feeling; or at least what I feel.

Ichiro or Suzuki?

An opinion article discussing the issues of tradition and the one being broken by the current Mariner. I agree…what’s with the special treatment, why should he be the only one with his first name on his jersey? A great ball player, yes, but tradition is tradition. Leave it alone.

Last night I made a quick stop by Safeway to pick up some of their China Express crab rangoons I’m so completely in love with. After a moment I decided what the hell, I’ll get a lil bit of something else. So, I ask for a half pound of Sweet and Sour Chicken (beats pork ANY day). The lady filled the small container with pieces, weighed it, and slapped the label on, then hands it to me. Thinking she was about to get a scoop of sauce I wait a minute. Nope, she just stands there…”Anything else?” Um, is it me, or did she forget something? “Could I get some sauce please?” She replies “What kind…” long pause as I stare at her dumbfounded…she continues “maybe some sweet and sour?” I blinked. “Uh, yeah, that’d be great. Would be kind of plain otherwise.” And she just smiles, dishes out a bitty cup of sauce and wishes me a nice day. Completely oblivious to her idiocy. I just walked off with my goodies, shaking my head, smiling, thinking at least I knew what was going on, even if she didn’t have a clue.

‘Smoking stole my voice… my dreams’

Really, it wasn’t the smoking that stole her dreams, it was her lack of self-control or effort to stop smoking. Sounds harsh, but who cares. I’m saying this as a non-smoker who used to smoke a pack a day. Quiting wasn’t the easiest thing in the world, but I did it. It can be done…look at all the others out there who’ve quit. Yes, it is can become an addiction, but so can caffeine, cocaine, prescription drugs, or many others.

I was a real bitch when I stopped smoking, and this last Saturday I suffered a nasty headache from caffeine withdrawals, but you know what? I take FULL responsibility for what I did, and what I do. Yes, it’s good the tobacco companies are now required to make us aware of the hazards, and I’m glad those annoying Debbie commercials have encouraged some to quit. But ‘truth’ is…you don’t haveto buy the ciggerettes, you don’t have to light em up, and you don’t have to give into a craving by sucking that nicotine in. Use your strength to NOT give in. ’cause really, it’s just a matter of strength and saying “I’m going to be in control of my life”.