“Life is cycles.

The key is understanding that.

So, when things are bad, you realize that it’s NOT that life sucks.

It’s that life sucks right now.

And the cycle will come around again.”

thanks. I believe that is the easiest way to explain it all…

…I’m back. Restless body, inability to sleep even though I’ve only had a couple hours, if that, in the last 48 hours. Restless mind.

More than anything, I’m infuriated with myself, and how I’ve second guessed my own opinions of myself because of someone else. That I let someone who had little faith in me create enough hurt I didn’t know how to react to but by throwing my phone across the room.

The small box that was his present sits on top my monitor, the wrapping torn from it and crumpled in the trash within minutes of the argument. I may read too much into things, but I though it the perfect gift, small, simple, and to the point. A 4WD Police Cruiser Lego set. All I wanted to do was let Phil know I’d been listening to him, wasn’t bored with talk of his goals, and I was hoping to see that smile of his…the one that included the eyes that shot me dead each time.

I’ve considered giving the Lego set to my nephew for his birthday next month, but that just doesn’t seem right. I can’t quite return it either, since in my excitement and wrapping last week I’d tossed the receipt. Most likely I’ll open it and put it together and it’ll find its place upon my monitor for a while. Would hate to see Legos go to waste, though.

I’m looking forward to a nice long walk tomorrow, with the icy air, lip-reading as cars fly by while I wear my headphones, grooving. It’s been over five years since I’ve walked my route, my high school escape from anyone and everything. I wonder if I’ll find a stone to kick along the way, spending two hours in my company. I still have this Koala Springs bottle cap from eight years ago, taped in my teenage scrapbook, a memoire of some eventful walk. Or so it was at that time.

Tomorrow being New Years Eve, precursor to the beginning of the new Millenium, I still have no plans. I’d like to head to the club, finally get around to starting my membership, or at least a temporary one. I’m sure I’d have much agression and emotions to pump out with weights. Possibly I’ll end up at Genevieve and Aaron’s, though there hasn’t been a verbal plan. Better yet, I may just pull out my bottle of Jack Daniels, take a swig, and go to sleep. I think the most important thing for me to celebrate this New Years is me, that I made it one more year without killing anyone, and I’ve survived what seemed some most unpassible moments.

I was going to post some hunky dory thing about my x-mas…what I got, how everyone liked their stuff, blah blah blah. Fuck it.

This journal, blog, whateverthefuckitisnow is just bringing trouble. I just started this to let me feelings out, but over time realized that if this IS public I really can’t say EXACTLY what is on my mind because anyone and exactly that person would be reading and I’m only lying to myself by saying that I don’t care if they read it. So yeah, I’ve written thoughts, but hid the real ones, wrote what I thought people would enjoy (more like an embelishment on minute thoughts) and kept my honest feelings, dreams, and emotions to myself.

A lot of good that did me.

Now, what I write in this collection of 0’s and 1’s is trusted more than what I actually say. Not what was supposed to happen and not what I wanted, but is so. Farewell for a while, or at least until I sort myself out and even if I want to do this anymore. I have a feeling I’ll be back.

Unlike what I was hoping for, my clumsiness curse wasn’t lifted at midnight. Still going strong…

About to head out of Cheney, with the bus from Spokane at least two hours late. Big surprise there. My shower was extremely relaxing this morning, so I won’t have a problem hooking up with a good nap on the way home. Well, on the way to Seattle, then for a ride down to Shelton to spend Christmas with my sister and nephew.

I pulled a good one about ten minutes ago in Safeway, the Fruit Punch Gatoraid slipping out of my hand and kurplatting on the floor by the register. John’s “Um, we have a spill here” just added to the whole scene. Heh, it was in slow motion, the bottle falling, then wham, red liquid everywhere, oozing, quickly taking over what tile square footage it could. Yeah, jackass jackass jackass. Maybe a nap will do me some good.

I’m in Cheney, WA right now…after a long ass eight hour bus ride from Seattle. But I made it. And John is cooking up some grubbing Hooters so all is good to go. Catcha later when I get back.

I’m wishing I had a box of colored push pins. The red, green, yellow, and blue variety ones. To my back, or my right side, depending on where at my desk I’m sitting, there is a wall of corkboard. Nicest corkboad I’ve ever seen or felt, but corkboard nonetheless.

What I really want to do is make a giant smiley face on the dark brown and black patterned cubic foot squares of this wall. Considering that this is an office filled with Razor Scooters and Nerf Blasters and multiple-dart shooter thingies, I’m sure it wouldn’t be a bit deal. Then there’s the point that I’m not quite hired yet and it wouldn’t exactly help with the impression that I’m a serious worker.

I see the circle in yellow, eyes in green, blue nose, and a big ass red open-mouth smile.

I’m wishing I had a box of colored push pins. The red, green, yellow, and blue variety ones. To my back, or my right side, depending on where at my desk I’m sitting, there is a wall of corkboard. Nicest corkboad I’ve ever seen or felt, but corkboard nonetheless.

What I really want to do is make a giant smiley face on the dark brown and black patterned cubic foot squares on this wall. Considering that this is an office filled with Razor Scooters and Nerf Blasters and multiple-dart shooter thingies, I’m sure it wouldn’t be a bit deal. Then there’s the point that I’m not quite hired yet and it wouldn’t exactly help with the impression that I’m a serious worker.

I see the circle in yellow, eyes in green, blue nose, and a big ass red open-mouth smile.

He’s still on my mind, there’s no denying that. I joke of how he has me wrapped around his finger, but know it’s true. At least I’m aware…

“You’re the best listener that I’ve ever met
You’re my best friend
Best friend with benefits…
I’ve never felt this healthy before
I’ve never wanted something rational
I am aware now

You’ve already won me over in spite of me
Don’t be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don’t be surprised if I love you for all
that you are
I couldn’t help it
It’s all your fault”

Ah, screw it. I’ve made the mistake before, heading into something with some expectations and just ended up with disappointment.

I don’t know what it is with me and relationships…I’m really enjoying being single now, reall. Yet there’s always a part that’s struggling to find the attachment. Enough. We get along wonderfully, talk more on the phone than we should, understand each other beyond what could be expected of close friends, and share more about our real selves than to others. I’ll stick with that and forget the hoping for something serious. In fact, right now is likely the most inopportune time for that type of thing.

Now, all I need is a personal “pat myself on the back” thingamabobber and I’m set. Amazing when the smog clears up in my head how clear my thinking finally becomes.

“If you don’t expect too much, you might not be let down”.

frigid, bitter, biting, niveous, cutting, nipping, piercing, pinching

No, I’m not a cruel one…it’s just really fucking cold in the office today. Even with my newly acquired heather-gray InfoSpace sweatshirt the shivers are seaping through. I know I prefer Winter over Summer, but I only mean that in reference to the ability to bundle up. Right now my two comforters and four king size blankets are keeping my bed nice and toasty. I think a quick nap after work will be necessary. All that heat…would be such a waste to not utilize. Hmmm, warmth…..

I hear rapid Nerf ball fire down the hall. Most likely Trent and his Rapid Fire Bazooka. I want one.

On a side note…I love my Mac, yes I do…the ancient 8500/120 PowerPC has done wonders. It’s been shipped across country and moved six times after that and still plugs along. Nonetheless, I know I’ll be purchasing a PC for my next home computer. After that it’ll be a separate Linux box (love that penguin). As much as what is easier to use…at the moment, I’m more for the challenge anyhow. I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere in this whole market anyhow.

One thing I’ve noticed in the past couple weeks, while working on my new Mixed Nuts 6.0 layout, is no matter what you do on the mac, it always shows up differently on the pc. I’ve been lucky to check my site in progress out while at work (last job was a mac office, so obviously that wasn’t an option), and I’m grateful for the kick in the ass. It’s frustrating, yes, but awakening, and now when I’m working on my colors, font size, etc, my mind is a bit more perked to how it’ll actually be viewed to 90% of the viewers.

“I want one bourbon, one scotch, and one beeeeeeeeer”

Many thanks to John for passing on the link to MyPlay. This has truly been a savior the past couple days here at work. The deal…you get a locker to store mp3’s that you can listen to anywhere…wherever you can access them from a computer. So far, the only time I experience any break in the play is when I’m uploading to MyPlay, playing from MyPlay and downloading from Napster…all at the same time. Expected.

Granted, you do have to upload your songs individually, but it is completely worth it. You can select all to play at once, use the Playlist option, or “Mixes” as they’re known on MyPlay and save and listen to just the ones ya want. Pretty much like any other player out there….

The work day is inching slower than usual. The mango pit that I’m in right now (just a funky shaped office away from everyone…a plus) must know we’re in the Pacific Northwest. Ten minutes ago I was wish I’d worn a t-shirt, and now I’ve just slipped on my fleece jacket. These ventilation systems create more heating/cooling issues than ever imagined, I’m sure. Not to mention that it wreaks havoc on my arthritis, presently a very noticeable throb in my elbows and forearms.

Yet I drink my complementary can of ice cold Mountain Dew while holding it in my stiff and creaky, red-tinged, and permanently curled fingers.

This countdown to leaving for Cheney is extraordinarily frustrating.

I was pretty talkative last night. Pair that with his night of quiet and it was for the most part a relaxing last night. I don’t think he realizes I admire him…even his jackass ways. Though not in a worshipping way. He just never ceases to amaze me and each day I look forward to what he’ll say/do next that’ll make me laugh aloud or smile until the dimple crinkles next to my right eye.

We talk every night now. Either I call him, or he calls me, and I’m feeling the regular progression from casual aquaintance through a friend of mine to an overtly sexual, and pretentious relationship. Insert hockey discussions, weekend excersions, porn site sharing and debt consolidation hopefulness, and I dare say I’ve found something I’m quite content with.

Content. A word used often, many a times by me, I know. It’s a hard one to use, though, since it should be done in a moment of complete and utter…satisfaction. No bitterness, negativity, sadness, or being lost.

The work day is near its end and I look forward to the cramped 550 bus ride across I-90 to Downtown Seattle. More accurately, purchasing the round trip ticket to Cheney to visit the Jackass that invades my yellow-walled days and nights.

Just remembered a conversation from a few months ago (September? Guy from Tacoma was pulling the mind game business oh so well). John asked why I didn’t think we would ever last as a relationship (this was in a off-hand, like it’d ever happen type of conversation). First, a stumper. Then, miss I’ve convinced myself, Alicia, said something about past relationships, blah blah blah…

I didn’t want to admit that in reality I wouldn’t mind something happening and lasting, but I was too chicken to break down my barriers for him. How selfish.

And I listen to my songs, and read into ones he plays and I pull a conversation towards one thing on my mind, yet we’re still in this medium, inbetween loophole that I haven’t figured out. A few days up a head…I certainly hope for somewhat of an answer, if not someone to act like a jackass around and still be held later that night.

“While you were sleeping, I was listening to the radio and wondering what you’re dreaming and it came to mind I didn’t care. I thought ‘Hell, if it’s over, I had better end it it quick or I’ll lose my nerve’”

This song sends me on a trip I haven’t wanted to take, and I’m remembering four years ago, when I never said anything, and now the credit report that showed up in the mail yesterday with his name on it. A few times in the past years I’ve wondered how he’s doing, wondered if he ever got his degree, wondered if he ever left the grasps of his parents, wondered if he stopped acting like an immature, selfish, lazy BOY. I don’t miss him now. And when I moved back to Seattle from Virginia, I didn’t miss him then, even though we were supposedly still together.

So, yeah, this song…ah, well, enough of that. No need to waste any more time on him…

And I’m back, because I can’t help it, I DO want to waste time on him, this man that was a part of my life for just over two years. It feels funny…the sideways glance in the mirror and I see the year in Virginia, camping with the guys, falling in love with fishing, my steady progression only casting to yanking the catfish off the hook, and the increased space between the one I’d planned to marry. Seems more like a joke, the ones that my Uncle tells…so pathetically corny you can’t help but laugh. And I’m laughing now.

And I’m only 23.

It’s amazing how every damn song applies to a situation when you’re in it..

I miss him dammit.

Until this last May, I wasn’t too keen on the idea of eating at any Hooters Establishment. For some reason I thought I’d be uncomfortable. Well, hell, I was definitely off on that one. When John and I stopped in at the Lake Union one I felt more comfortable there than I’ve felt at any other restaurant. And the food, well, shoot, it’s just the best around. I admit, I’m hooked on the Hooters Hot Chicken Strips and curly fries (stepped up from wings, strips are a lot easier to eat…less effort). And I’ll even admit that I’m looking forward to living less than a mile from the Lynnwood Hooters, once I move in a month or so.

I’ve heard a lot of women complain about the idea of chicks running around in short shorts and tiny shirt and selling their souls to the drooling men. In reality, they’re more covered than some of the people I see when I go out to bars, and they’re the only waitresses I see having fun, smiling. Come on…wouldn’t you love having the requirement of being somewhat obnoxious for your job? Yeah, me too. Also, I know one main reason a lot of women don’t like the idea of Hooters is because they’re either jealous of the ladies, or just very self-conscious. Hey, I know I’m not skinny, but at least I know I can look good, and love myself for who I am. Why ruin a shot at the best chicken around just because you’re afraid your boyfried will drool over a Hooters girl. If he doesn’t, he’s gay. Deal with it. He’s going there with you, right?

Anyhow, I bring this up because I just treated myself to a take-out lunch from the Bellevue Hooters, right behind my building. Damn, I needed that. Picked up a shirt and bottle opener keychain too, so it was a good hour. Oh yeah…there’s nothing quite like walking into a Hooter’s by yourself and making the guys wonder…