I see the rain as a backdrop to the building that displays our reflection. It’s a new thing, to see rain from up here, 11th floor…like a solid sheet, falling…Wow. But egads, only just after 3pm and it looks like evening. Looks like I’ll be soaked on the way from the bus stop home. Maybe I’ll do some dancing in the puddles.

Just a minor frustration that I came across a minute ago….a page with a web log and tons of links to other resources. But, please, tell where else I couldn’t have gotten the same information? A site that’s just a blog and links…no matter how well written and designed is such a waste. At least surround it with some content. Content, people…content!

Looking forward to my fun in the snow this Saturday. Not exactly what we’re going to do, but I know there’s tons of snow in the mountains. Traffic will be abundant, thanks to all the resorts opening, but even if I’m stuck in the Jeep…I’ll be fine. I’ve never really gone to the mountains to just play, not plan, do whatever. I”m sure my spontanuity wil strike at the most inopportune times (on a hill?) but that’s what layers of clothing is for, right?

I don’t doubt this weekend will be enjoyed…I had a wonderful time Sunday night, and a day of his company would just be even better

The brightess of outside hasn’t changed much except for when the sun actually came up. Looks like it’ll even be brightening up as it takes its rest this evening….

Just trying to make it through the last couple hours of work. My mind is chasing after every little thought in hopes it’lll keep me busy in a fog for a few. I’m ready to go home, but want to at least make eight hours today, so it’s 4:30 for me. I have all these things I’d like to do with my new layout I’m working on, but I think I’m going to have to force myself to make some soup for dinner, then take a nap until 10ish or so. Tuesday night crunch time with John’s html assignment as usual, so any sleep will help. Shouldn’t be such a long night as the previous few (please?!).

This fixed assets stuff is just so much fun.

I think I need to kick myself a little harder next time. Can’t believe I’ve forgotten to take my Lithium for three days straight now. Combine that with my brand new full blown period that started yesterday and lemme tell ya, this scowl seems to be permanent. Really, I’m just tired, but tell the chemicals in my body that.

I’m confused right now, interested in someone…a lot. And he actually seems interested too. The confusion is there thanks to this person in my life that still gives me a non-painful jolt whenever I talk to him, get a message, or even think of him. That all I have to hear is the word “Spokane”, and I smile.

Ok, the thing I don’t get is how much I’m pulling myself away from him. I know how I am…if I like someone I call, I try to do things with them, anything, to spend time together. So here I am forcing myself to be somewhat distant, determined not to get even remotely clingy. I’ve never even took this much effort before to really be a decent person….I haven’t hidden the Jackass I am, he knows that definitely, but I’ve made sure he knows the damn goodin aspect of me, too. And WHY do I care now? Hell if I know. I’m sure everyone thinks he’s a jerk, in fact, I know someone who does.

I wrote another poem today…at work of all places. It’ll be posted, though maybe not until I finish my new layout of Mixed Nuts. ARGH…here he has me spoutin off poetry (thank goodness I don’t write sappy rhyming blabbering love poems).

And in comes…mr “I swear we have way too much in common”….I recall saying I was enjoying this being single thing, right? Hah.

I just got done talking with my sister for a couple hours after watching “Boiler Room”. Talked about quite a bit, mostly relationship, lot about the past…

In a way I wish I wouldn’t mention his name that much, wouldn’t talk about him, but I’m also glad I do. At least I’m not keeping it in and hiding what I’m thinking, ya know? Nothing’ll happen with him, I’m sure…we’ll keep our whole “situation” going on, but somehow I just can’t see him getting into a serious thing with me. Maybe that’s fine, though? I’m kinda liking the distance but still could use something a little closer to Seattle….

Just rambling some more…miss him, dammit. Hate that, but I’m sure he loves it. Maybe one day he’ll surprise me and prove me wrong in some areas. I hope so.

It’s always an overwhelming feeling of warmth to talk with someone that you just “click” with. No struggle for what to talk about, usually agreeing on most, but not the end of the world if ya vary. It’s been quite a while since I’ve been able to produce a decent conversation out of a stranger and I am grateful for this chance. I may have suffered annoying pop-up boxes from perverts and observed obnoxious conversations in a chat room, but one…just one…seems to qualify as a decent human being.

Ever jammed a piece of cardboard in between your nail and finger? If you have, you know what I’m talking about…if not, well, some advice. Don’t do it. Hurts. and lingers…and lingers. Is still throbbing, twelve hours later.

“I wish you knew what I meant to say”

Oh, I was not going to say a damn thing about this indescribable election but I digress. But this is all I have to say: If a person can’t take a few extra seconds to make sure they’ve poked the the “chad” all the way through then their vote shouldn’t count. When paper wins that’s when we need to step back and consider what’s wrong.

I have this overwhelming urge to analyze my emotions, twitches, reasons for someone doing something, and why Starbucks is now sounding rejuvinating verus the usual regurgitating. The fact that I’m analyzing why I’m so analytical is beyond being piteous, yet I continue in my nonpliant ways.

somewhat on the same path but a tad lost in the woods…

Odd, that the one portrait I claim my “pride and joy” is the one I had originally thought as beyond reality, miles of lead I’d never complete. Old Man Dare was indefinitely put off, though it was finished, and I don’t recall how. I blocked redundant and high pitched transit passengers from acknowledgement as I drew, lined, blended. An old man became the putrid suggestion of someone breathing upon my neck; and I squinted, tilted, sighed. TV sitcoms and revered Hollywood productions acted as background while I perfected wrinkles, tweaked greying hair, and shaded shirt collars.

Yes, I’m looking at this portrait, in a sketchbook, but not a sketch. This man pushed me, kicked me, made me grovel in anticipation of a final redemption in my accomplished 2b against bristol. Determined to make the last mark and close the pages on those eyes…

lost…my mind is wandering so much today, vaseline has been injected into my whatevers and I fly with this…sense of carelessness covered in cloak of anticipation. Of what I haven’t the faintest. I want this, I want that, don’t, do, lie to myself, sing loudly with a song, curse it the next second. I do believe my world has been tossed and shaken up the past few weeks, and I look forward to the next occurance, as I think it will actually balance all this rubble flat to the ground. If not, well, at least the rocks will be up in the air ready for me to throw at the next annoyance in my way.

Talk about a small world. John reminded me to go check out The Easterner online, and then take a look at the Staff page. Didn’t think anything of it…saw his picture, a very good one…and then scrolled down a bit. Figured, what the hell, check out who he works with. Then I see a name that looks way too familiar…and then the personal information about him is just too much. Turns out John has known an ex of mine for over a year now and neither one of us knew about it. Jeeze, talk about just plain weird. Of all people for John to know? oi….

So, that was my excitement for yesterday. And then of course I stayed up until 5:15AM helping John with his html assignment….managed 30 minutes of sleep. Was fucking freezing when I woke up. Shit, couldn’t stop shivering even in the hot shower and once I had a shirt, sweater and heavy jacket with gloves. Crazy. Think I’m leaving the heat on tonight, and will just have to put some lotion on my face in the morning to combat the annoying dry skin that is back for a nother winter.

I only lasted until 1:00pm at work today, finding myself nodding off as I looked at the screen, wishing the damn numbers and windows would stop moving. Had me a tripple mint mocha this morning [grin] though it only lasted an hour or so. I was way too cold to enjoy the complimentary Mt Dew, and only drank some bottled water to fight the battle of thirst.

I’m a bit annoyed with someone I know, their closed mind is really getting to me, especially on this one thing. Not sure why comments are said over and over, but even though it is a minor topic I’m sorta ticked. Not petty enough to verally approach the topic again, but if someone else starts…I’ll definitely speak my mind.

I’m remembering a camping trip of years ago…in Fall City I think it was? Wow, memories. Think I even wrote a poem while in a cramped space with little annoying dogs.. (or not so little?)

Wow, I really miss him. Don’t want to admit it, and even couldn’t keep myself from talking about him to Donnie, knowing she doesn’t really like him, but couldn’t help it! I miss his voice…and I just wanted to talk about some hockey, hear how he’s doing, what’s going on, let him know how I’m doing…yeah, really miss him. Ugh…no more weekend visits from him for a while…shitty.

hehe, the stamp on my hand from the bar says “STUD”

I can tell ya now I will be doing what I can to get out of here as soon as able. This extra stress is going to kill me. And if my parents interupt me one more time when I’m trying to talk to them, the cops just may have to head on over. OOOh, I’m so inferiated, and I hate that.

Ok, I changed my mind, the previously posted poem is now up in the Ramblings area. I wasn’t going to post this poem because there’s something that made it more personal than all the others I’ve written in the past year or so. Most likely others reading won’t understand or see why, but then again, I’m not sure why either. But there was this feeling of completeness and release once I finished, as if the sublity of my conscience was working overtime.

Bah, I never know why I let myself get worked up about things or let stuff hover above my mind for hours and days. But, speaking of day, I’m waaay behind on posting a “Pick of Whenever” in my Honor section so I’m off to do that.

Because I can’t decide if this will go on my Ramblings page, here’s a poem I just wrote since my last poem. Damn, I love myself sometimes, though I’d dare never to force this spirmy creativity of the present.

Dig

It’s nice to know my overwhelming
need to hear hockey through the
radio originated with an interest in
you, yet I’ll be listening to
and watching games for years
without your presence if I
must. Sports
were never my passion,
though neighborhood baseball with

porches, and marathon pinecone fights
may qualify. I like knowing
my complete interest in you spired
fresh evolvement in
daily interests. At least
I let emotion exist,
pulling, shoving,
nudging a life that wouldn’t
be quite the same without
statistics, player information
and the shiver (not from the
cold)
as I watch you
watch them.

(btw, the hockey term “dig” means to attempt to gain possession of the puck in the corners of the rink….get it now?)

I’m here…and well, let’s just say it sure is going to take some time getting used to this situation. Stocking up on pain killers is definitely going to be a no-brainer.

Well, I’m calling my eye doctor tomorrow and ordering some more contacts. I really wasn’t planning on doing that for another two weeks, seeing as how I just put in a new set of them at the beginning of the month. Unfortunately, my dad saw them in the cup on my desk (in water and cup because in my packing rush I forgot my contact goodies), and proceeded to toss them out. I just realized this, as I’ve been wearing my glasses all day and they finally started to annoy me. Guess it’s sweating glasses for the rest of the move. Ugh.

This whole “I have a new phone number but NOT a new phone line” just isn’t hitting home with my parents either. Maybe I should’ve just paid a little extra to have the extra phone line. Might be worth the extra few and save the damn hassle. Guess I’ll price and see how much of a difference it’ll make…the fewer headaches I have, the better.

Dr Dagger never showed up for my 11am MRI appointment so I had an early day. Off from work for the apt I just headed to my old place, humored myself in it by sorta cleaning it up, then headed home (still feels weird to call this place such…). Cable modem is working just spiffy and I hope it continues to do so. I’m sure @home will have its share of inconveniences and problems, but in reality they don’t have much to live up to…USWest (is NOW Qwest, duh) sucked pure and simple.Kinda like starting out with an “A” like some classes in high school.

Off to bed, though I do miss mine. I’ll probably sleep good, I just hope I don’t sleep through his call. Yeah, I miss the Jackass, but here’s hoping he misses the bi-polar babe.

Well, last post in this apartment. Definitely won’t miss it. The being on my own part, yes, my screwy manager and stuffy basement apt, hell no.

Cable modem should be all hunky dory tomorrow, so here’s hoping that when I get home from work I’m up and running. Wish me that good stuff.

hehe, his “guest” brought one of her own. I did my best not to sound so damn happy when he mentioned that. And he called me…of course. Gotta love his free weekend minutes.

My fingers are permanently curled, I’m feeling just completely nasty…so instead of doing the bath/shower thing I really need to do, it’s off to veg on the couch for a few then go back to sleep. Five hours of sleep and all this exhertion is overloading my system already. Plus, I plan on getting a full night of sleep tonight…so I can be all perky and awake in the morning. Can’t wait to wear my new clothes….

He’s having a “guest” at the hockey game tonight. I kinda chuckled when he told me and he questioned “what, I’m not allowed to have a guest?!” and then I laughed even harder. Jeeze, so defensive? “What’s so funny, then?” I claimed ‘guest’ was such an impersonal word and that’s why I found it so humorous. “Well, we’ll see if she’s decides to be personal tomorrow night.” I chuckled again, smirked through the phone receiver…and my heart, stomach, brain, whatever, did a dangerous acrobatic act.

I listen to the Chiefs game through their web site and the conversation from last night runs through my mind. So much for my usual call from him after the game. I’m used to ‘em but as much as I’m kicking myself for being jealous of this mystery guest, it’s for the better. Last thing I really need is to get too attached to this guy. Though “this guy” is quite unrepresentable of the real thing. I miss him. Dammit.

I am counting on the fact I didn’t freak out with him on the phone about his guest and hope my non-reaction lingers on his mind and makes him wonder why I wasn’t too concerned. Ha ha ha…fuckernut, I’m not as whipped as you’d like. (so I lie to us all….)