You probably don’t read this, in fact I’m sure you’re not online much, even looked at this lil site of mine…but I’m thinking of you, miss your voice, your presence…miss you.

Boss sent me to get two more Palm VIIx’s today…now we all have em but him. Guess he’s waiting until we’re all set up. Nifty little things…and just read that there’s a program for Palm OS for updating blogs…which would just kick ass in my eyes. I just activated the wireless plan, but not so sure how it all works together. Too busy working on the FileMaker Database tonight to worry about that.

Took a few minutes off to create some poetry with the magnets residing on my fridge. Such a fun release. And creations I’d never think of without the magnets, too.

My apt is still clean…this sure feels weird…

Whew, okay…definitely getting a new alarm clock. That is one thing I don’t like…waking up to a call from my boss asking if everything is ok. I can’t believe that! I never sleep through my alarm…never. I always call, and it’s driving me nuts that I did this morning. But, at least I had a good night’s sleep after the loooong work day. (didn’t leave work until 11pm last night) ugh…back to work

A good friend of mine said this to me today “Every moment we spend with someone is a slice of eternal”. He said this in regards to my life at the moment…when I said that I’m probably going to end up getting hurt. So my take on this is that I should enjoy it while I can and not dwell on possible negativity. And I agree…gotta love friends

Just opened my fortune cookie: “Time is the wisest counselor”. I think that is just about the best summary of my last couple weeks….

I’m sitting at my desk eating a huge bowl of cereal so I can take my 222’s and banish the excruciating pain in my right ankle. I’ve been awake since 5AM, tossing around, trying to ignore it but no such luck. Figured the best would be to just try and battle it, get it over with or work would just be hell. Must be raining out there…

It’s as if I’m not allowed a decent night sleep anymore, even when I go to bed at a decent time…

I’m in a good mood…yet depressed. Does that make any sense at all? I hope so. It’s that image of a woman looking up, tears in her eyes, though she’s smiling. Contradictory, but still possible at the same time.

Tired, I’m very tired…I didn’t sleep well last night. Most of the time I lay there watching him sleep, some of the time wondering if I should nudge him a bit to wake him since he seemed to be struggling to breathe (never did). When I did sleep, it wasn’t really restful…just some scattered nightmares (flashbacks). My mind has been racing so much lately that it’s pulling whatever it can out of the realm of my memory. That’d explain the flashbacks, I think. Also, it seems as if they come back whenever I feel close to someone. Not sure of the reasoning behind that.

Maybe it’s my desire to be near him at all times that drives me crazy when I’m not. And there are waaaaay too many love songs out there…makes it difficult for me to finish this darn painting when I pause to feel each song.

A little bit of painting and off to bed possibly…a though of telling him how much I really feel, all that I’ve written here the past few days and then I must shrug it off. No need to scare the guy away by being too clingy…but can I help it if I need someone so bad my body physically aches when I’m not with him?

I don’t mind the rain usually, but on some days it can annoy me. Yet today when I got off the bus I didn’t rush to get inside my apt. I walked slowly and felt the rain on my skin, felt so sexy, so sensual….

I don’t ever want to lose these feelings, this…pleasure in life I am enjoying…it’s as if I’ve just woken up from a long slumber or my foggy vision has miraculously become 20/20. Please don’t let this be a mistake, something that will end soon…because I don’t know what it would feel like to not have the most amazing person to look forward to…

“Can you take me places I’ve never known?”….naw, babe, you already have. Thank you……

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so good in the morning before. Here I sit smiling at the screen when I’m sure co-workers are wondering what’s up. That, and seeing a huge nasty spider on the wall by my area didn’t even phase me…I needed this, I really did.

I don’t even know how to let him know what I’m feeling, what I’m thinking. Just being in his presence….it’s amazing. And as he was watching me prepare dinner (at 10pm) I didn’t mind, wasn’t self-conscious. I feel good. And nobody is going to take it away from me….

Did it ever occur to me that he might not have my phone numbers?! UGH! I can be such an idiot sometimes. I called him today and he lost my numbers…something so simple. I think I need to stop being such a paranoid freak.

I better hear from him again. ’cause if not, every time I start dancing in my living room, I’ll remember that night I danced for hours with him just sitting there smiling. And I dance a lot!

I’m going to bed in a few, but my mind is still so restless, unable to decide on a “side” to be on…I’m pissed, thoroughly pissed off that someone could just completely NOT SHOW UP when planned, and the next minute I can’t help but wonder what happened, what’s wrong, is he hurt, is he okay? And after that I start thinking what the hell did I do to scare him away? Did he meet someone in New York? What happened to me being the missing piece of them (not everyone says that to you after one date). Finally, I’m feeling completely paranoid and idiotic because I’m acting so loony over someone I’ve barely known.

You know what gets to me? The fact that I was talking to him last year on Messenger and then over time we never talked, so I deleted him from my list. I am so glad he messaged me a couple weeks ago….though until I find out if every thing is ok, I’m not quite sure anymore. Actually, no, even for the weekend we met it was worth it. Even if I never see him again, he did something to me I’ll never be able to explain…

Time to crash…don’t think my gut has ever felt so empty, my head so confused. We’ll see if sleep happens…

Well, I do have to say that three hours or so of frustration did wonders for my painting. I started this portrait of Michael Peterson about a year ago…and never really got that far over this past year. I made more progress tonight than throughout the whole year! At least there was some benefit to my not knowing what the hell is going on!!!!!!

I’m ready to cry…but I won’t let myself. I will not have myself crying over someone I’ve only spend two days and a couple hours with. But, dammit, I was so looking forward to spending time with him…

He could be stuck at home (yet he knows my number) or still in NY for some crazy reason I couldn’t even fathom, but right now it’s really easy for me to believe he’s home, and somehow he doesn’t wish to see him. ARGH! paranoid…yes…but my paranoia is base on experience, people.

I just don’t understand…want to scream, but can’t because I’m still sick, so I’ll blast Denis Leary’s “Asshole” which should suffice as I continue to give my current painting a face lift (literally).

If I cry, then that’s when I denounce myself pathetic.

Okay, this is where the analytical Alicia comes in. I know he needs time to get baggage, go home then come up here…but I’m dying up here! I had a hard enough time trying to fall asleep at 6am this morning with my apt manager out in the hall banging and clanging around; throw in my anxiety, and how I’m so anxious to see him again…oh yeah, it took me a while to fall asleep.

Deal with the glasses and give my eyes some more rest, or attempt the contacts that I haven’t worn since Wednesday morning. Hmmm….think I’ll do the contact thing since I’m going to give a shot at painting today.

What a good breakfast I had: a Bosc pear, Red Raspberry Yoplait lite, piece of toast and a glass of water. Breakfast at 2:30pm, but that’s besides the point. I didn’t even have to think about it…wow…something is wrong with me. Aside from actually eatting a breakfast, something I usually only get at Denny’s at night, but eatting a healthy one? When did I grow up?

It’s as if these spiders KNOW I won’t kill them even though I have a major fear of em. They scurry scurry scurry then stop….taunting me to clobber them. Where did they learn how to play these mind games, hmm?

Next spider that I see is going to be caught and flung out the door so fast that if it doesn’t land safely, not my problem. Seeing as how they learned how to mess with me so well, they can learn from a cat how to land. Hmmph.

It occurred to me that the reason I’m not sniffling as much is that I’ve managed to sweat most of my cold out of me in the past twelve hours. It all started with an obnoxious slaughtering of a seedless watermelon. Both me and my worn out dad agree: I need a real knife.

I’m not sure where I started…think it was the laundry…nah, ’cause I put that in around 5ish. Just finished about ten minutes ago…BUT…that also included all my sheets and my comforter cover, as well as the sheet and cover out on my couch. It’s a good thing I’d planned ahead and had plenty of quarters in my Beer Money pot. I must reiterate a rant of mine…I hate pay-per-load washer and dryers. At least the small greedy ones in my apartment!

So, anyhow, I’ve been cleaning all day…did the dishes, cleaned the bathroom, kitchen, bedroom closet, even swept in my computer area. And tons more or at least it feels like I did tons more. But I sweated…and I’m not as pissed off about it, but ruined a new tank top. Not brand new, but new enough. When using the Clorox cleaner with bleach I took off my tank top, wearing my bra (major benefit of living by myself!) Well, I had to put it on to go to the laundry room and came back…forgot it was on and started cleaning again. Now, unless I want an orange spotted burgundy tank top, it’s a goner. Though I could bleach it all the way and then die it dark again. Always a possibility, though I’ll ever get around to it, I doubt it.

I’m excited about later today…by the time his flight arrives, he heads home, then here…wow, just can’t wait to see him. This week has been way too slow. I think that’s why I did so much today, just to pass the time.

It amazes me that with the first hug in the hallway…I could feel there was something. And after the first kiss…I KNEW…the electricity….damn, I want him here now.

Sigh….I can’t stop thinking about him!!! He’s off in New York and here I am killing my heart because I can’t forget his endless eyes, his smile, the intensity when we just look at each other. AUGH!!!! Just over 24 hours and he’ll be back in town and soon after I’ll see him. Man, I hope I haven’t scared him away.

I’m not sad. I just have this overwhelming desire to give up every single thing I have and leave, move, start over. Though I’m not sure where I’d go, what I’d do, and even why.

Maybe wearing my glasses the past few days because of my cold has helped me in some way. Isn’t it true that you get so used to one way of life that just one small change can send you for a loop, put it all in another perspective? Well…a far reach, but glasses? mm, yeah, I can see it.

10am on a Saturday morning…and I’m awake? wow. This is rare. Time to get movin….

Someone care to tell me where all this snot comes from? Seems endless! Nose isn’t red yet, but give me another day and you bet…even with aloe tissue, it never fails. Lovely.

I don’t know what to do!!! I’m so HAPPY! I have had this feeling in ages….I’ve walked around the office this morning, said hello to everyone instead of going straight to my desk….wow.This is amazing…so who honestly feels this everyday? I’m getting pretty close to bliss…