This day has been interesting…I am so surprised I’ve made it this far…without crashing of sleep deprivation. You want more details on why I’m so damn tired? Give me until Sunday, and I should have not only the last two weekends (so I’m behind…shush), but I’ll include a bit on last night…with this weekend of course. patience…(so I keep telling myself as the minutes tick by slower and slower….

This is so frustrating!!!!!!!!!!!! It seems like I’m the one that doesn’t agree with the majority about our new IS Manager candidates. I just want a new boss…I’m tired of the interim pushover idiot. Normalcy? What? never heard of that here…

I hate spiders!!! hate em hate em hate em! I woke up this morning with a few more love bites from my “friends” the local spider. One that is driving nuts, where my sandal strap rubs, and two more, one on each leg, where my shorts rub against. Just great. One more irritant…and now I’m paranoid about anything touching my skin, thinking it’s a spider. ARGH! It is SO hard not to scratch…

Another day, and damn, what a good day so far. Not even 9am yet, either I just got done talking with someone I’ve known for a little under four years but haven’t talked to in quite some time. Missed him!!! Now I’ve a decent high going…wow…missed that voice. Sigh…

Well, I’ve made it this far, though I’m surprised and not sure how. It’s been an effort, that’s for sure. I dread going home just because I can’t stand the thought of dealing with my apartment manager. She just makes me feel like shit, like everything is my fault. And she always puts me on the defense, even when I know I’ve done nothing wrong. That’s just her way…and I’m not really looking forward to it right now. But, seeing as how my locks were changed (due to losing my keys) I kinda sorta hafta deal with the evil thing. Oh joy.

Hm, even though I started out the day a bit groggy, and I’m somewhat tired, I’m doing pretty good mood wise. When I stepped off the bus at work I could smell the salty air from the Sound. That was refreshing and perked me up a bit.

It’s going to be a long day, but at least it’s sunny out…

Well, it feels like I never left work, even though I was outta here at 4pm. But, all I did was go home, make dinner, then go to sleep. Well, I did a lot of tossing around in my bed, trying to get comfortable, but at least I managed some sleep. I’m still quite out of it, but I figue that’s due to only one contact. Looking forward to getting my contacts on Thursday, and hopefully I won’t be as out of it as much. Heh, yeah right. I’m still very very weak…

Mmm, still debating on if I should stay or not. I just haven’t felt very productive is all…though I’m dying to go home. Shoot, I even have the approval to do the overtime thing…

And my buddy the office fly has found me again. Fun.

Okay, my sister and I talked some more last night…I needed to talk to someone so I got back online and apologized. She’d been going for the humor thing when she’d said what she’d said before. Ugh. Just not the thing for me yesterday…nor today.

I’m feeling very out of it today…a little dizzy and disoriented. Also, through in weak and lightheaded adn that should cover it. What fun. I’m going to try and amke it through the day but I don’t know if that will happen.

Now I feel even worse than shit. For the first time since high school, I feel like why bother, why the fuck be here?! I sent a message to my sister telling her I feel so ashamed about all that happened. And the first thing I get back is “you should!” Well, thanks!!! Appreciate the fucking empathy. I wasn’t asking her to say no I shouldn’t be ashamed, but I also wasn’t asking her to say what she said. I was hoping I’d be able to just let it out and tell her why I felt that way, you know…deal with this whole situation.

I can’t stop crying now, I’m so upset. Damn, I wish for once in my life I could be normal, and didn’t have so many abnormalties. But NOoo, I forget one dose last night, one of my high’s kicked in and I felt invincible, drank too much, and ended up in the hospital.

I need someone here with me right now, I’m scared of myself.

I’m feeling ashamed of myself today. I know part of my screw up last night was due to not taking my Lithium, but I still feel like an idiot and that I could’ve had control over how much I drank. Also, occurred to me a little bit ago that we hadn’t eaten before picking up Jeremie.. I’m sure that made a big time difference.

I’m tired, but just can’t get to bed right now…and I know I need the sleep too. Making myself finish this 1 liter of water I have in front of me since I didn’t have much through the day.

I am a Jackass. I did a dumb ass move last night. I never took my prescribed Lithium and I drank waaaay too much. My two best buds took me to the hospital. Not everyday the people you’re with are that considerate and concerned about ya…I’m just feeling so completely stupid and like an idiot. Leave it to me to do something of the sort and just ruin a night like that. Typical.

Sigh. I’m running to get some 7-up and then will be going to walk with my dad. Here’s hoping I manage ok….gonna drink lots and lots and lots of water, too

Okay, I just went and checked my mail, and I found an envelope from Taco Bell. Allright, I’m thinking, since I’ve been waiting for my coupons for a while…since I’d called up and complained about the nightmarish experience a few weeks ago. So, what do I get? A coupon for “Three Free Items of You Choice (Excludes Grande Meals & Combos)”

What the HELL is that? Three free items of my choice EXCLUDING Combo Meals? How ridiculous and inconsiderate of Taco Bell. I called 1-800-Taco-Bell because 45 minutes of my time was wasted and I never received the right food. This measely coupon is barely anything towards making up for the atrociously lousy service my friend and I received that day.

I’m going to go grab myself a lunch at Taco Bell, with my coupon. Thing is…the coupon won’t even cover the meal that I had purchased the other night. UGH! Frustrating. So off to lunch I go and hopefully all will go well.

Some people just piss me off. And Kevin has succeeded in doing such a wonderful job. Um, forget something, Kevin? Maybe an 11:30 lunch? or maybe I’m just imagining things…

If someone doesn’t show of real soon I’m going to be quite irritated. 11:50, I’m up and waiting when I could be sleeping. Sure, there was probably traffic, seeing as how everything is happening in Seattle this weekend. But I don’t care! I’m impatient and I’m hungry now that I’m up and ready. I’ve even done a quick cleaning of my place, so unless I wish to get down on my knees and scrub, that’s pretty much taken care of. (would do dishes, but heh, what a surprise, I forgot to call about my garbage disposal).

la la la la LA!

It’s 3AM and I’m still up. Wouldn’t be anything odd if I was out, drunk and doing whatever…but it’s just me, at home, all by me lonesome. And as I waited for this page I had a lil spell of dizziness…vertigo, or something like that.

Now, I know there’s the possibility that it’s from the lack of sleep, not just from last night, but from the whole last week. Somehow, though, I doubt that the reason. My hands are a teeny-weeny trembly, so I’d logically guess I’m getting some kind of reaction to my meds. I’m not too sure how this whole time-release form of Lithium does its release thingy, but usually it’s pretty stable and regular. Or shall I say, for the first few weeks it’d been fine. This last week I wouldn’t call anything about me or my medicine or body normal.

I went into a minute panic earlier tonight as I was munching on my mini carrots during my ride to Monroe. Now that I’ve stepped into this role of a healthy (or trying to be healthy) person, I couldn’t stand the thought that…oh no, I was out of carrots. What the hell is she thinking, it’s not that big of a deal, you’re wondering, right? Well, I’m someone that loves to plan. That includes planning ahead for what food I’m going to need. Not just in general (oh, some chicken, some salad stuff), no, I figure out how many apples I’ll nmeed, how many carrots ( or in this case, how many bags of miny-carrots that can be split into four baggies). Then I spent the rest of the bus ride calculating in my head what I had in money, when I get my paycheck, what I’ll have then, etc etc. ARGH! Can’t get those damn carrots off my mind!

Where the hell did all this energy come from anyhow? I’m supposed to be tired, exhausted and laying asleep in bed. I’ve a planned lunch for 11:30AM…this will be interesting.

Boredom…leads to strange behavior. In fact, so strange and crazy and unpredictable as tonight. I’ve…oh, how can I say this…fine. I’ve logged in to the Seattle Chat room. I know I know…why has come over me you ask? Sigh…

Heh, I joke about it, but really, for me to touch the chat rooms, it’s a sure sign I need something to do…really bad. I don’t do a lot of interaction within the rooms unless it’s with a friend and we’re purposely causing trouble and wreaking havoc among the sensitive. Generally I chat with a few people via Messenger and that’s that. So here I am, talking with my sister, updating this thingy, just make a lunch appointment for 11:30AM, and fending off someone that wants a one-nighter. The things I do.

I seem to have way too much energy for 1:12AM…

As if my life isn’t complicated enough, my right knee felt like it had to go out on me as soon as I stepped out of bed this morning. What fun. I tried to walk, but scratch that. So I got back in bed and massaged my my knee for the next hour, and was able to hobble around and get ready for work. I just wanted to scream! Still do actually, ’cause it hurts quite a bit, but I’ll refrain. And my knee feels so wobbly, as if it’ll go out any second when I’m not thinking about it.

What a way to start a Friday, eh? At least it’s sunny, and so far no side effects to the increased dosage of Lithium. Woo hoo!

I hate my garbage disposal. For no apparent reason, it decided to quit on me last week. And before you even think it…YES, I’ve tried the reset button. Each time, knowing it isn’t gonna work, but not beyond giving something another chance, even if it’s a fifteenth one.

This is not the first time my garbage disposal has wreaked havoc on my life. It pulled this stunt about six months ago. Also, every now and then when I flip the switch, the whole circuit just blows. Wouldn’t be so much of a problem, but when it’s the same circuit that my whole computer system is plugged into (I didn’t do the apt wiring…) it becomes more than a small annoyance.

So here I am, waiting for the sink to drain, periodically flip-flopping over to run a cup of water down the sides to rinse the gunk down. All because I thought I’d do something really unlike me and do my dirty dishes before going to bed. Hey, I figured I’d be busy this weekend and wouldn’t wanna touch em. And this way I’d have the dishes all clean and out of the way so when I FINALLY remember to call the apartment evil person thingy, at least the kitchen area would be presentable. But no, I sit and wait…and wait…and wait. There’s still a few more things to wash, and miss anal that I am wants it all done TONIGHT.

My system is so out of wack, I shouldn’t even be up and wide awake at midnight and 34. Damn, I was doing so good about getting to bed before midnight…and then this last Sunday my whole mind and body did a turn. I know for years I was doing the stay up until two or three, get a few hours sleep then go to work thing. And even though that helped me get quite a bit done (including this web site), I was greatful when I started Lithium and I was no longer manic or depressed. To have it just happen again like on Sunday was just so weird. I guess I had this false sense that once I started and got used to the Lithium it’s be smooth sailing. Apparently not.

Right now I have this nagging feeling of being tired…around my eyes, and in my lower back. I also know that if I were to go lay down on my couch, my bed, or even lower my head to my wrist rest, I’d fall asleep easily. Yet there’s this energy I can’t shake off. This part of me that is alert and ready to tackle the next project, that sees my drawing pad and pencils and wants to finish the current drawing and even start another one. Each night in this last week I’ve had at the most three and a half hours of sleep. Though, as I think of the next day, all that comes to mind is the tired feeling and oh, how I dread that. Sometimes I’ve stayed up all through the night just to put off that feeling. Crazy, I know.

Anyhow, time to go wash a few more dishes before the sink fills up. I’m hoping the new 900mg on Odd days and 1200mg on Even days does something for my sudden highs and lows. Some more normalcy would be welcome.

Okay, so the day went by quicker than expected. And…looks like we’ve found the next IS manager. Woo hoo!

Staying late at work to make up for coming after a dr’s appointment…I still can’t get over how much more productive I am when no one is in the office. My balloon keeps bobbing up and down thanks to the AC system so its reflection on my monitor keeps making look up as if someone is there. But the balloon is still flying high and strong. Wish I could say that for myself….just less than an hour and I’m outta here.