Breath
These sudden drops never get easier and I think each time is more difficult, more of a fight to survive in the darkest of holes. I know just hours ago I was feeling euphoric, flying with restless energy after an extensive workout but it seems unreachable at this hour.
If only I could cease caring about others, if I could flick off the switch of devastation that no one else can see. I ache at the idea of being anyone but myself, but am sickened at the notion of not being what I am. To want, enjoy, laugh, be made happy, I am a fucking mess and I just wish to say exactly what is on my mind, what I want, but I am unable. Oh, to discard filters and a conscience so I could experience what it’s like not to hesitate, to question every thought, each emotion. I am human, I want, but why do I think I can’t have?
I am withdrawing, inching back against pillows, the wall, the world and feel helpless to resist. I want to exclaim to all why I am this way but I can’t, because I don’t know, more accurately, don’t understand. I wish to explain to one why, what, but I can’t, self-mutilation of my tongue by a mental sword.
I am so cold, my insides a solid block of questions, doubt.
Show me what it’s like
to dream in black and white
so I can leave this world tonight.
-Unknown Soldier, Breaking Benjamin
Rest is what I need, my mind is deafening and in the darkest place I can recall and I want out.
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