Monster
I can be calculative, so a coworker has stated, analyzing a situation and playing the appropriate persona. Growing up as a Jehovah’s Witness honed my abilities as I learned to survive in a world with hypocrites and falsities. Adaptation has been the key over the years and I have also sidestepped my prior introverted nature. Many don’t see the outgoing and aggressive personality I have but I also don’t share it with everyone. At the same time, I don’t purposely mislead anyone; I share truths. When I tell others what I think of them, I speak realistically, though at times unable to keep my thoughts and voice contained when I should.
Betrayal, lying, dishonesty, all words used to describe anything but the truth and apparently I am quite successful in these actions. It is amazing how each time I catch myself, I suffer, I wake up from the shock, the realization that I have hidden feelings from my own mind, I continue to deceive. No subconscious or purposeful repeated mental mantras of “you don’t care” can ever prepare me for the “I do care” that eventually slams the gut and tear ducts, surpassing any physical pain.
Reality is never quite as perceived. I can speak of indifference, think “it doesn’t matter” but indeed it does.
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D said,
September 21, 2006 @ 11:01 am
wow. couldn’t have said it better myself. we are so much on the same emotional plane. “slams the gut and tear ducts” is the best description of what i go through constantly and what i hate most about myself..continue to connect…i’m here to listen….
Niftyfingers » let’s play “Pin the tail on the Idiot!” said,
April 13, 2007 @ 12:30 am
[…] I did it again, lied to myself, didn’t even realize it until tonight, and when I did, it was as if poisonous afterthought. Foolish, to even believe actions don’t mean anything, that I have the ability to separate feelings from touch. […]