I exist
I couldn’t sleep last night, tossing and rolling around in my sheet, flopping face down on pillows, eventually flinging half of them across the room. Music annoyed me, lacking the usual reassurance.
The fact that I am completely aware I’m no longer flying high in the world of sexual desire and creative ambition does not make today any easier. I am quite sure I’ll be messed up for a bit, thanks to my missing eight dosages (back on track, including the nagging gagging feeling before and after each swallow). Still sucks.
The fog which surrounds me is relentless, and my thoughts interrupt all others “supposed to dos” with ideas of sleep. On the lobby couch, my stuffy car, anywhere, I would love to lie down and nap, curling my body against the surface.
But I doesn’t matter what energy drink or amount of caffeine I drink, I need to cry. The battle to refrain is painful and only tiring me out more so each minute. I will make my round at the gym after work, but I can’t help but wonder if I’ll physically be able to punch my bag, or push each leg through a revolution on the bike.
Ash returns on the 13th and I hope by then I’ve returned to some form of stability. She brings such life to my days with our phone conversations with the silliness we both seem to thrive on. I will have a tickle partner once again; someone to sing and draw with, and most importantly, an imaginative mind to share fascinating dreamscapes and intricate plans of conquering with.
Meanwhile, I’ll manage the rest of today in some format, my mind constantly returning to an image which soothes me; a face that always encourages a smile, even if a half one.
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Karolyn said,
July 28, 2006 @ 12:26 am
Hey, sis, hang in there - I hope a good cry helps.
I always had hopes that one of us would get around to it. My motivation may kick in yet. 
I admire you so much for working out like you do
Talk to ya later.
-Karolyn