slipping
I didn’t realize I was edging into the unknown sadness until Ash said “see, it made you smile” after one of her crazy antics. To have a four-year-old notice and attempt to shake the mood from me was too much of reality but now I am trying to do so myself, though unsuccessful thus far.
My weekend was exciting, full or drunken kareoke Friday night, anticipation and playfulness on Saturday, and some outdoor time with Ash and the roommates earlier. I was feeling so damn spiffy that the three and a half hours to drop Ash off as well as the over four hours home didn’t bother me too much. Yet right now I want to chuck my philosophy text out the window, tell Ashleigh to leave me alone and lock myself in the room. I’ve tried calling friends but can’t follow through…I feel disconnected but unsure of the reason. I miss people, smells, feelings, laughter, exhaustion, smiles, and simultaneously wish to remain in a personal bubble away from it all for days.
I’m on track with my meds, or so I thought, so I’m only left to wonder what’s brought this drastic change. As I hear myself snap at Ash, I cringe, apologize and turn away, determined to refrain from crying. I enjoy living where I do but can’t help but question whether my roommates view me as I see myself. Do they see the lack of control I feel or is it just me, ultra-sensitive and overreacting?
I question myself, my thoughts, movements, actions, and it’s not right, because I’m confident, I smile, I do what I do because I want to…except for today. And I hate this, the second-guessing. Nothing seems right, everything seems off, a miss-step, and I’m all wibble-wobbly, struggling for balance.
And I’m using “I” too much, a higher ratio of sentences starting with “I”, but I can’t help it. It’s all me, my mind, my thoughts on how I am running around in my head and the rest of the world is an afterthought, meaningless at this moment.
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Stacie said,
May 18, 2006 @ 8:35 am
Your comments about using “I” too much are very familiar to me. I, too, go through times when I feel like I’m using “I” too much. I always wondered if others ever felt that way, or if I was just a goon. Good to see there’s another goon out there with me.
On a similar note of four year olds calling it like they see it…I’ve been having a really hard time with migraines-finally took myself to the doctor after spending Easter morning in the hospital trying to get over one. The other day I laid down in bed after taking a shower (feeling fine, just tired from being pregnant) and, much to my horror, Michael came in and started crying outrageously and saying “I don’t want you to feel sick, I want you to be better.” What a heartbreaker, especially when I’ve already been feeling guilty for ‘having a headache’ all the time. I don’t want Michael to remember his childhood as ‘Mommy had a headache’. Ok, I’m rambling on YOUR blog, sorry. What I meant by all this was, I can relate to how you were feeling.