I feel my head just wanting to shut down, like this morning when I looked at the quiz. All those lines going every which way, I knew, but I had to cover the page and gradually move my hand to see them, one by one completing the quiz. This afternoon at work I have to keep getting up and walking to the kitchen, the bathroom, somewhere, to separate myself from the deposit slip, listings and statements.
I’m writing in hopes of clearing the chaos some but more to calm me down. I am so irritated, frustrated with something that I didn’t do, had no control over and I need to just start slowly. One, by one, check, check, check, ignore the laughing coworkers, the obnoxious vendors that won’t shut up and the phones ringing. One, by one, cleared, cleared, cleared.

I’ve taken my player out of the usb port and plugged the headphones in, blatantly ignoring the rest of the office. Is it so odd that I have certain procedures done in a specific way? Each deposit should match the day, print the listing in property consecutive order, staple the listing on top of the check copies…and so on. I don’t think it’s abnormal to have all these “ways” in which I carry out my day, my job, but apparently it’s not so normal to the coworkers. I’m trying to grasp the idea of doing this shit randomly and I just can NOT fathom, can not even imagine doing it any other way.
Everything in my life isn’t so exact, though I have some things organized enough to ignite laughter over my labeling fixation, my containers and trays for specifics, and my inability to finish something until I do it the right way.

I appreciate the help others try to give me when we’re busy but I don’t think they quite understand how it actually creates more difficulties. The five minutes someone saved me by doing the deposit has created a day’s worth of double-checking and screaming at my brain for hours.