I’m a strong believer in karma as well as taking responsibility for your actions. Raised in a household of religious beliefs that blamed an ominous evil being for the wrong in the world, I never understood why people couldn’t just admit and deal with their own actions. It also didn’t bode well with me that when something good and positive happened in my life it wasn’t because of my hard work and effort, it was because another being had allowed or deemed it so. I’ve fucked up many times, especially the first five years out on my own, but I dealt with the consequences, did my best to make it through and hopefully improve my situation as I went.

People annoy me, and many times I arrive at the conclusion when confronted with the idiots of the world that I hate people in general. It’s not quite true, but I don’t deal with people well, don’t like the egocentric attitudes displayed within a majority of this species (not just men, I think there are more female egos which exist). And I am much more content when I make it through a day without experiencing the idiocy of the world.

So here I am, somehow still surviving after the whole accident bit, already missing atrocious amount of money due to getting myself back to some form of normalcy as I had before the accident. I’m attempting this single mother thing (until Ash visits her dad for three months…soon, soon), and still recovering from a move I had two weeks to prepare for.

But I woke up this morning, took my shower, got online, sent a quote to potential new design client, woke up Ash, got her ready and continued with the rest of my day until now. Tonight, I’ll finish up one web project, start my June kit for Cashew Style, start working on some mock ups for a new client, and all that after spending some time with Ash, making dinner, eating at our big ass table I don’t ever want to part with, and helping her call her daddy a minimum of five times. Somewhere in there before I go to bed I’ll get in my dumbell reps and squats and I might even get a few hours sleep.

Yet I do it each day, varying of some sorts, but the level of “things to do” stays the same. I stopped apologizing to people for not calling or emailing because I’m not sorry for what I’m doing. I’m surviving, I’m doing every damn thing I can to keep life on kicking and give Ash the knowledge that I love her and would do anything for her. It’s called sacrifice and many mothers and fathers do it every day. I may complain here and there, comment on how tired I am, crack a joke about Ashleigh’s inability to shut up, but it’s life. Even if I didn’t create every little step that added up to this particular moment of my life, I can’t exactly go back and change anything either. I do struggle with the lack of control in my life. It is one thing to suffer from stupid mistakes on my part, but to have my life in chaos due to actions of other people, is different and at times I have a difficult time grasping. Most of the time it’s a huge pit of anger that resides in me and working it out can be quite mentally exhausting.

I’ve kind of lost my focus some, but it really is all about being responsible. I hear and read so many people, bitching and moaning, splashing around in their murky puddle of misery and “poor me” and I am so very tired of it. Yah, shit seems to happen to me, but as John always said (and irritates me ’cause he’s usually right), I get through it, things work out. But the thing is…it all doesn’t work out unless I do something to help it along. Sitting around, blaming someone else for my problems or ignoring the stupid mistakes I’ve made will get me nowhere.

We could change the future with every move we make
We create tomorrow with every breath we take
Every choice is a domino. Each one effects the rest
Work through one decision, fall upon the next
In this dance of the blind, each person plays their part while reeling through the dark
-Domino, The Bradbury Press