This sucks (took me four tries to spell sucks right…)
The only thing keeping me from going online and dropping my English and Math classes is the idea of having to pay financial aid back. Fuck.
I feel like a dumbass, unable to figure out problems my 12 year old nephew is learning in school. What the hell?! Did my brain just dump that ability over the years when it realized I wasn’t utilizing it? Needed more space for me to remember the term “wolf pack” from 10th grade drivers ed as I’m flying down the 215, so out went all the numbers shit. Ugh.
I can only try to explain to John or anyone else how devastated I feel, how defeating this is. My AA degree seems nearly impossible, let alone the Marketing BA I long for down the road. I’m beginning to think I’m just not made to do this school thing, that this struggle isn’t just a fabrication, that my chemicals have fucked with the pathways that let “the smarts” out to be usefull.
So I’m analyzing one of my poems instead of some random one, in the off chance it’ll be easier to figure out what I meant a few years ago, than what some romantic period dude meant ages ago. Heh, fat chance. How am I suppose to analyze a poem about me sitting in Starbucks for the first time before starting a new job? WTF? I’m supposed to state how it’s an argument…yet I fail to see an argument.
Yes, it’s late, 2:52 AM at the moment, but compared to last night/morning, it’s nothing. I didn’t get to sleep until 3:40AM or something like that courtesy of my current rapid cycling ride on “I feel like I don’t need sleep and I’m feeling just peachy, three hours of sleep is enough, oh shit, why won’t Ash take a nap, I’m exhausted, must sit still long enough to do homework after buzzing around the apartment cleeeaaaaning of all things, then slamming into the thunk, stickey eyelids, only partially done with homework but just don’t fucking care anymore” coaster.
Goodnight.
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Genevieve said,
January 29, 2004 @ 12:13 pm
Honey, I’m sorry you’re having trouble. Maybe it’s you telepathically keeping me up. I can’t seem to get to sleep before midnight…if I’m lucky…and I have to get up at 6 to go to my damn J-O-B. Or maybe it’s me keeping you up…who knows. Figures though.
I know school seems like a lost hope, but believe me, when you have that hot little degree in your hand, it is all worth it. You may want to take a little time off before you start on your BA. Not much, just a semester or something. Some time to unfry your brain. YOU’RE ALMOST THERE! You will have your AA. It will be worth it.
linda said,
February 16, 2004 @ 5:43 am
Hang in there. Math and composition skills are the first to deteriorate, but they do come back. Don’t give up on the math - a B or a C is still worth it. In fact, too many women give up on higher level math when they get a lower grade than they would in a liberal arts class. Screw the GPA - keep taking the math. If you don’t have it, there are so many options that you don’t have, career-wise.