Last night felt like the worst night in my life. Poor Ashleigh has a cold, and isn’t keeping much down. Luckily today is better, with a little help of Pedialyte, but last night she just cried and cried and cried. She wouldn’t take the boob, and when she did take the bottle, it came up ten minutes later. I think she was crying because she was so hungry it hurt.

I’ve never felt so helpless before. Here was this four month old girl, counting on momma to make everything all better and I didn’t know what to do. The worst was when she had finally fallen asleep in my arms, and we had an hour nap, she woke up screaming louder than before. Again, nothing would calm her until she finally gave into the boob.

I am so damn exhausted, and to top it off I only have one contact in (other one is torn), so I’m completely disoriented. I’ve already had to go back and correct so many typing errors it’s pathetic. Ash is sleeping at the moment, the first time since seven this morning, but I’m unable to sleep. The struggle to stay out of this extreme low is wearing me out because I have to fight the urge to eat everything on the shelves, and I have to fight these damn tears again and again.

I’m so tired of being depressed. I try my best to think positive, feel good about myself, but when a simple word spirals me down, I feel like a failure.

I’m sick of people telling me to “cheer up” because, believe me, if it was that fucking easy, I would already be a freaky clown, make-up grin, funky clothes and all. So many people don’t realize how much of a difference there is between being bi-polar, and having a small case of depression. With depression alone you at least have some form of normalicy that returns…a nuetral zone. With bi-polar (manic-depression), I want to rise out of the depression, but a part of me knows that once I do I’ll skyrocket into a manic high, and who knows what will happen. Will I go on a shopping spree and spend more money than I have, unaware of what I’ve done until I come down? Or will I get so ecstatic and go go go, clean, clean, exercise, exercise, exercise, or start too many projects, causing me to feel completely out of control once I fall into a low again. See, there is no win-win situation here, even though I feel nearly invinceable while manic.

People ask why I’m not taking any meds and I have to explain I stopped taking them when I ran out, just before I was pregnant. And since then I’ve been either pregnant or nursing, two reasons why I can’t take Lithium. I have an appointment May 1st and I’ve never looked forward to seeing a psychiatrist like I do now. If there are no drugs I can take and breastfeed then well, full-time formula it is. Because, really, I think Ashleigh needs her mom to be there for her completely. At the rate I’m going, that won’t happen without some chemical interaction. I wonder what it’s like to be a mom without a mental illness. Is it really easier, or is it just as tough, but in different ways?