…I’m back. Restless body, inability to sleep even though I’ve only had a couple hours, if that, in the last 48 hours. Restless mind.

More than anything, I’m infuriated with myself, and how I’ve second guessed my own opinions of myself because of someone else. That I let someone who had little faith in me create enough hurt I didn’t know how to react to but by throwing my phone across the room.

The small box that was his present sits on top my monitor, the wrapping torn from it and crumpled in the trash within minutes of the argument. I may read too much into things, but I though it the perfect gift, small, simple, and to the point. A 4WD Police Cruiser Lego set. All I wanted to do was let Phil know I’d been listening to him, wasn’t bored with talk of his goals, and I was hoping to see that smile of his…the one that included the eyes that shot me dead each time.

I’ve considered giving the Lego set to my nephew for his birthday next month, but that just doesn’t seem right. I can’t quite return it either, since in my excitement and wrapping last week I’d tossed the receipt. Most likely I’ll open it and put it together and it’ll find its place upon my monitor for a while. Would hate to see Legos go to waste, though.

I’m looking forward to a nice long walk tomorrow, with the icy air, lip-reading as cars fly by while I wear my headphones, grooving. It’s been over five years since I’ve walked my route, my high school escape from anyone and everything. I wonder if I’ll find a stone to kick along the way, spending two hours in my company. I still have this Koala Springs bottle cap from eight years ago, taped in my teenage scrapbook, a memoire of some eventful walk. Or so it was at that time.

Tomorrow being New Years Eve, precursor to the beginning of the new Millenium, I still have no plans. I’d like to head to the club, finally get around to starting my membership, or at least a temporary one. I’m sure I’d have much agression and emotions to pump out with weights. Possibly I’ll end up at Genevieve and Aaron’s, though there hasn’t been a verbal plan. Better yet, I may just pull out my bottle of Jack Daniels, take a swig, and go to sleep. I think the most important thing for me to celebrate this New Years is me, that I made it one more year without killing anyone, and I’ve survived what seemed some most unpassible moments.