A little something to let everyone know I’m still alive and doing well. This is of Ash and I at her birthday during her visit over the holidays. Once again, she picked Hooters, so my sister, nephew and I did our best to celebrate with Ash. Poor girl was still a bit sick and out of it from her cold meds but she managed.

I am happy. With a job I truly love and look forward to and enjoy the people I work with, a family feeling, how could I not? I’d say the pay is the only thing lagging but I know in time that will catch up to my needs. I would rather be struggling financially and love my job than financially set and hating my 8-5 daily life. Additionally, I get to use my skills and interests that I am passionate about and highly appreciated.

Sure, I miss Ash. Of course I do! As we discussed in our conversation yesterday, it’ll be months before I see her again (I just can’t afford a spring break ticket of $600 for her to come over a week when I’d have to work and only see her in the evenings). Yet she is so positive about our time apart, so it makes it much easier for me to remain positive. She plans what she wants to do, talks about things in details, but she also tells me about her time at school, what she’s learning, even singing the songs from her music class.

It is difficult knowing she’s growing and changing and I’m unable to see the majority of it, but I also know there will come a time when she will return to me. Ash reminded me that at least when she’s with me we can have more fun, less “non fun, boring tough things like school to worry about”. So that’s what we do! When things are right, I will fight for her return but until then, life must go on.

And it does! I have a new friend I’ve been spending most of my free time with, coffee at Starbucks, going dancing, watching movies. Sure beats staying online and in my room all the time, but I still enjoy my quiet time. Just not as often. In the past I’ve hesitated to write about what’s going on because they’re new to me, or I’m unsure how to start or what direction to go. Looks like I’m going to have to push myself and smack my own ass into action and writing.

I will give some periodic updates with a few pictures here and there, but if you’d like to read more on me, my struggles and well, anything else, please email your request and I will share my new location (but do understand I am still very selective as to who knows). Those who have followed me over the years, I know you, so don’t hesitate. It’s been nearly eight years, and as the ones who said it, they were right…I can’t stop writing.

It’s that time of year again, and for my second time, I will be participating in the NAMIWalks for the Mind of America. This is NAMI’s signature walkathon event and is being held in Hemet, CA at Diamond Valley Lake Marina on October 27th, 2006. I will be walking with the same friend as last time and one more I convinced to come along, so our team (Panacea) will be a whopping three members. No matter, I know we’ll have a good time just like last year and I have a feeling there will be a much larger group of walkers this year.

Please support me in this walk, if not financially, then with encouragement and humor. . If you’re interested, visit the (very basic) Panacea Team Site where you can see who else is walking with me. There is also a link so you can donate online. Donating online is fast and secure, and I’ll get immediate notification via e-mail of your donation. Although the page will update how many donations have been received, I will also post updates on here periodically if I receive any.

I’ve never been one to ask for donations, sponsors and such, but I think I finally have a cause which interests me and actually affects me directly. The most important thing for someone with mental illness is medical care as I have found out far too many times over the years. I have my medication, but even still I pay for it out of pocket due to lack of resources. For those that don’t have access to help, I can’t even imagine how difficult it must be. A judge may see me as weak, or lesser than another because of this illness, but it has created a stronger and more determined soul out of me. So I will walk, to prove to myself I can, to show Ashleigh what her mother can do, and to do my part in bringing help to those who need it.

I’m still around…adjusting, and dealing with a broken heart everyday. Thank goodness for work and for some new friends that have kept me going the last few weeks.

I am working on setting up a new domain to continue writing but it will be done anonymously. Those who requested or received my password earlier will get an email once it’s set up. For others who didn’t, write me and let me know who you are and I’ll consider. Please understand I do this because I no longer feel safe writing here, as I feel even my most deepest feelings could possibly be used against me in the future.

Losing a job because of a blog…that’s nothing. Losing your child? That’s just fucked up.  I will walk in the NAMI Walk this October, and I will continue to show how being bipolar is not a curse, it is not something which makes me “unfit”. My bipolar disorder and this site has brought me closer to so many people I never would’ve imagined meeting in person. Panacea HAS been my cure-all and has helped me greatly over its seven and a half years in existence.

The okay part…Ash is with me until the 23rd. The crappy news…I was not awarded primary custody of Ashleigh, her dad was. Yeah. Needless to say I’m not in the greatest mood in my head, but I’m enjoying my time with Ash.

This blog was used against me as well as my bipolar disorder, both which I think have contributed and helped me in becoming a better mother for Ashleigh. Unfortunately, I have no heart left in my writing so will most likely take Panacea offline, as well as all pictures of Ash. I will not delete the domain, but any writing I do will be password protected so as to prevent any further use against me.

I am so very empty right now, I feel like everything I say here is in monotone and that’s because I have very little left in me. Thank you to everyone who supported me during this awful time and hopefully one day I’ll be as vibrant as I once was.

I have so much on my mind lately but I don’t feel the need to share it with everyone at this time. For those of you who are regulars and wish to read, just comment or email me and I’ll forward the password to future locked posts.

This is my place, has been for seven years and then some, so what made me think I could let it go, even temporarily, I don’t know.

No matter, I’ll be exploding in words relatively soon…

As mentioned in my last post, Ashleigh’s dad is fighting for complete custody of her in Texas. Unfortunately, this means she might not return in July like I’d planned, but I am hopeful everything works out for Ashleigh’s best interest and that she will return soon enough. Until then, I will most likely remain silent on here until the custody is settled. Yeah, I know, it’s not as if I was a regular writer as of late, so you won’t be missing much. Just know, I am around, can read comments, can be reached on MySpace, or Yahoo IM.

Meanwhile, I will be enjoying the most amazing job ever, working with two people that rock, and spending an exorbitant amount of time at the gym to soothe my mind.

Thank you all who have sent me supportive emails…it is very much appreciated.

I love my job…it is what I’ve wanted for so long and I look forward to going to work each day. And yet today is hell, as I try to keep my focus. There’s nothing quite like waking up at 7am to someone knocking on your door and then serving papers. Ashleigh’s dad is going for full custody in Texas; apparently he thinks I can’t provide enough for her.

I don’t have it in me right now to say exactly what’s on my mind…I am so stunned and just trying to make it through the work day. Perhaps tonight I’ll have the energy but I have a feeling I’ll only collapse.

Thanks go out to the makers of Puffs with Aloe, my savior for the day.

Jeeze, took long enough! I am still studying for my final tomorrow, so can’t write much now, but fuck if I’m not going to find a way to celebrate this weekend.

The pay is less than what I wanted, but the opportunity is very much worth it. A small (two people) advertising firm, fifteen minutes away (no freeway!!), and a chance to use my Photoshop skills. They were looking for someone who wanted to grow and hell yeah, I want to. No more dead-end front desk crap for me. Kick ass!

Next order of business, find a way to get Ash back to Southern Cali because five months is way too long for her to be without her mom. (holy cow, just checked airline prices…yikes!)

Concentration is going to be difficult tonight and tomorrow but really, I would still be smiling if I failed all my classes. A job, a jobby job that will get me out of this fucking house. Yes!

I am sooo very tired. Maybe not tired, so much as unable to get my ass going. Two days of popping the dreaded pills (no knee-jerk nausea reaction as before, only a hint of it) and all I can think of is water…water…and water. Of course, on two of the hottest days down here in Southern California.

But…aside from having to rest my head and eyes every ten minutes and drinking more water than I have in forever (that hydration pack needs to get here ASAP), it’s not so bad. I did get plenty of sleep last night, though perhaps, it was too much.

Regarding my medication and finally being able to afford it. I have to state how thrilled, ecstatic and giddy I was when the pharmacists told me my prescription was $4. Considering a month of lithium used to cost me a minimum of $40, usually closer to $50, I had difficulty in refraining from hopping the counter to give her hug. Damn, I would’ve paid twice that much ON insurance!
Additionally, right before I lost my insurance I found a doctor who I adored. Not only was the office all techie gadgety (weee, I felt right at home) he spoke to me like I was human, not some “thing” that needed to be coddled.  He was blunt, but asked for my thoughts on treatments, and even investigated things he admittedly wasn’t aware of (it is rare to have a doctor that knows of my family’s Stickler Syndrome).  When I last saw him he was hesitant to help me out with my lithium because he knew I would be losing my insurance and said the lab work would cost too much and he wouldn’t be able to continue to prescribe for fear of damage to my kidneys and liver. Also, he was afraid I’d start lithium but then not be able to afford them and then I would be making things worse for myself, going on and off lith, creating further issues. This made sense to me, but recently I realized it was worth paying for a visit, labs and meds to get “LEVEL” again (and level is still not without differences from the “norm”). So, thankfully, he is only $40 per visit. Not free, but not unbearable. He was also very kind enough to hook me up with a private lab that cost a fraction of what the gigantic corporation lab that most medical offices use. By paying in cash, I only had to pay $104 for complete chem work and two other labs. Nice! Sure, sounds like a lot, but considering I have no insurance, $150 is little pay for some sanity.

I realize most have little interest in what I just wrote, but for the fellow readers tied to their medication in order to function in this world, I thought it’d be helpful to share. Besides, saving money…is always a good thing in my dog-eared book.

I have my lithium, after forking over too much money for labs and a doctor’s visit, but dammit, I have my meds!

I don’t expect everything to be peachy now that I’m taking them again, but I certainly hope over time I’ll level out and each day won’t be such a struggle to survive.

Not much, minor update, I know but it’s better than nothing.  Now, back to the GIS theory and site stuff.  When I manage a breather I’ll be writing some more.

Oh my, if you were to look at my mood chart of the last two weeks you’d see what looked like a heart beat monitor. Today has been a peach compared to earlier this week, but who is to say how I’ll be tomorrow. My “things-to-do” and “people-who-annoy-me” lists have increased tenfold. My only vice is exercise and the little sleep I get…and the sun shining in my wide window during the day.

I haven’t written much about Ash lately because she’s still in Texas, I miss her more and more each day. And each day I feel less and less a part of her life and it kills me. We no longer have our conversations like before, no web cam goof ball sessions, which saddens me.  I feel like everyone thinks I’m an awful mother, but hell, I’m doing the best I can. No one seems to realize the reason Ash is with her dad so long is because I don’t want to be the mom that pitches a fit, that doesn’t cooperate or think of her own child before herself. So here I am, “cooperating”, thinking of Ash, but hell, I wish it could be all about me.

That confidence I had yesterday?  Yeah, not so much today.

I’m pretty much in a state of panic today, unable to focus on diddlysquat.   Still kicking myself for not getting the phone number of any GIS classmates because holy crapola, nothing makes sense!!

Give me a the computer program (ArcGIS Suite), I can learn, easily, but this textbook, the “theory” part of the class…just not clicking.  I am not used to this!  All other courses I’ve had difficulty with have been because of time, not understanding or knowing how to do something.  This is the first time I’ve read questions over and over again and still, little comprehension.  And they’re due tomorrow and I fucked up by waiting last minute, so no help from the professor.

I’ve calculated how much it’ll affect my grade if I don’t do these, and I’ll pass, even with a B, but that’s a total cop out and I’m going to at least attempt.  Even if I fry my brain in the process.

I can feel it, the slight hummm as my brain races along and somehow, I am still in control. For now. Yet I know my trigger, I know a heavy workload with tons of deadlines can send me sliding into hypomania and skyrocketing to mania with little grace period or warning. I can DO this! That’s what I keep telling myself…

…as I make mental lists (rarely around paper or laptop to when they’re created) of papers to write, doctors to call, friends to remind I’m still alive, chapters to read, laundry to put away, resumes to send.

I have been a bit irritable lately, my road rage somewhat exaggerated, but the key thing of slowing my progression has been making myself decompress. If I didn’t close the laptop up for a few hours here and there, read a non-textbook, or do something creative, my brain would certainly explode, overheat.

So, wish me luck as I venture through the next and last month of this torturous semester, sans medication and complete with two full moons. This is when personal warning signs would be appropriate for public.

Looks like the culprit to my exhaustion is my extreme amount of time studying, doing homework and being creative. Apparently, major system overload.

So, I’m taking a much needed break from today’s studying and sharing two of my favorite sites that keep me sane or help with survival. I’d include more but I’ll be lucky if I make it through these without my brain skipping elsewhere.

• Quizlet - I hate flashcards. Mostly, because I have little restraint and tend to “cheat” and second-guess, defeating the whole studying technique. Quizlet rocks on this subject matter! Create sets of words/terminology, enter the definitions, learn, then test yourself. The testing is the key thing for me! This would’ve come in handy with all my anthropology courses but oh well, now I know (and knowing is half the battle…).
• Kaboodle - I discovered this wishlist site last year, but Bree reminded me of it again last month. Oooh, so helpful, especially since Amazon definitely doesn’t have everything I covet. Cue Kaboodle, a site where you can create as many wish lists as you want (or one, I suppose), with products from any site you wish. Add comments, priorities, tags and even comment on other members’ lists. Sure, I’ll never buy or get everything on these lists, but as many people know, organizing things calms me down, it makes me happy. Really. Plus, I’m a bookmark freak, especially when I obsess over something until I’m on to the next topic (boxing…hiking…and so on). Oh, another aspect, is the shopping or traveling feature, where you can post polls for other peoples’ input, or collect tons of info on possibilities, such as hotels, activities and such. Of course, you can also make some lists private, for your eyes only, like my sex goodies one. (view my oodles of lists)

Something is going on in this body of mine and I can’t figure just what…yet. I am so very tired! And here I sit, so exhausted, but my mind is running, still going. Sadly, even when I do fall asleep, my body wakes up long before the necessary amount of sleep has passed.

I completely missed my Saturday class and it didn’t occur to me until late last night. There were no “oh, crap, I missed class” thoughts at all throughout yesterday…very odd. But then, my attention span is dwindling. How I managed to squeeze out a paper in a few hours I’ll never know. The brick wall has been so prevalent in my mind this last week; when I attempt to concentrate there’s a silence, “static”, nothing. All those times I wished for the rapid thoughts and endless thoughts to cease I had no idea what I was requesting.

Even with the wall of nothingness I managed to accomplish multiple things this last week, some which seemed beyond possible. Amazing what I can do when I focus on how I feel, and what I want for myself, not others.

Now, someone, please, take this fucking rain and gray weather from Southern California. This is the coldest it’s been in the five years I’ve lived here. I don’t mind the cold so much but the clouds have got to go…I need my sun!

As I was about to close up here I realized my dreams are back lately. Hmm, perhaps they are the reason I am not receiving much rest in my sleep. They have been very blunt…

A person pulls a spider’s leg out
To watch it keep on moving and twitching.
-Crash Test Dummies, How Does a Duck Know?

I’m shaking my head at myself right now, wondering when I’ll ever learn to listen to the nagging voice screaming in my head “don’t say it!” One day, perhaps. But obviously, it wasn’t tonight.

I try so hard to express how I feel, what I’m thinking of but it seems all that comes out is insensitive or I completely miss the general idea. Or, as a couple times in the past, I’ve said exactly what’s on my mind and then wasn’t taken seriously.

I did it again, lied to myself, didn’t even realize it until tonight, and when I did, it was as if poisonous afterthought. Foolish, to even believe actions don’t mean anything, that I have the ability to separate feelings from touch.

It seems odd, only discovering now that the little things I’ve looked forward to, that make me smile and laugh are just that, little things; I don’t really know him. And I feel ashamed, for thinking I did, that the chit chat was enough, when really, I didn’t even know how to be honest, so I let it remain as it was.

I feel like an idiot and it sucks when I’m the only one at fault.

I sure wish I could understand what it’s like for other people who don’t have to experience the normal emotions of life in such a magnified way as I do.  Until then, I’m going back to hating my brain, my heart, and while I’m at it, my libido, because good god, that sure seems to fuck everything up when thrown into the bowl of mush.

(btw, that’s my head, banging against the wall)