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Mar 08
Days, weeks, and months have passed and still the words ran through my tangled mess of neurons. I attempted a protected version of my thoughts but even then I couldn’t find the passion to move forward. It’s not quite easy to shrug off the fear of losing your daughter, nor the accusations of failure. As the pain faded and Ash and I embraced the moments we had, the silliness and inside jokes, the beaches and bubbles, life continued on; the pain remained but subdued.
Last December was beyond hectic, scrambling to get Ash here, doing everything possible to keep the tears free of the phone conversations. During our last minute move that had so rudely interrupted our few days together, I apologized to her for having to move, that we didn’t have so much time together and she rolled her eyes and said “I don’t care where we live as long as I’m with you”. As we unpacked our boxes and clothes in the new home, our new roommates and a familiar city, I felt all the doubt and fear I had carried for so long dissipate.
I am thrilled to feel the creative juices throughout, unfortunately, they still have to battle each other. From writing, painting, drawing, designing…I am still torn. The music continues to play in my head, pounding through the headphones, even my body as I work out and my heart continues to fight the battle of need vs. desire and make some sense of my obsessions. It’s just a matter of taming what I can to eek out each moment of passion.
Read more No Comments Jan 12
It’s been a long year. More like a long 18 months. An attempt to catch up on everything which has happened would exhaust me, but I will definitely try to update on the most current aspects. Most important, I’m feeling like myself again, and looking forward to expressing my thoughts once agan without fear.
Meanwhile, I’m working on making this domain pretty and working properly. Patience. But if you’re reading this, then you truly have been patient after this long.
Read more 1 Comment Feb 10
[thumb:1805:l] A little something to let everyone know I’m still alive and doing well. This is of Ash and I at her birthday during her visit over the holidays. Once again, she picked Hooters, so my sister, nephew and I did our best to celebrate with Ash. Poor girl was still a bit sick and out of it from her cold meds but she managed.
I am happy. With a job I truly love and look forward to and enjoy the people I work with, a family feeling, how could I not? I’d say the pay is the only thing lagging but I know in time that will catch up to my needs. I would rather be struggling financially and love my job than financially set and hating my 8-5 daily life. Additionally, I get to use my skills and interests that I am passionate about and highly appreciated.
Sure, I miss Ash. Of course I do! As we discussed in our conversation yesterday, it’ll be months before I see her again (I just can’t afford a spring break ticket of $600 for her to come over a week when I’d have to work and only see her in the evenings). Yet she is so positive about our time apart, so it makes it much easier for me to remain positive. She plans what she wants to do, talks about things in details, but she also tells me about her time at school, what she’s learning, even singing the songs from her music class.
It is difficult knowing she’s growing and changing and I’m unable to see the majority of it, but I also know there will come a time when she will return to me. Ash reminded me that at least when she’s with me we can have more fun, less “non fun, boring tough things like school to worry about”. So that’s what we do! When things are right, I will fight for her return but until then, life must go on.
And it does! I have a new friend I’ve been spending most of my free time with, coffee at Starbucks, going dancing, watching movies. Sure beats staying online and in my room all the time, but I still enjoy my quiet time. Just not as often. In the past I’ve hesitated to write about what’s going on because they’re new to me, or I’m unsure how to start or what direction to go. Looks like I’m going to have to push myself and smack my own ass into action and writing.
I will give some periodic updates with a few pictures here and there, but if you’d like to read more on me, my struggles and well, anything else, please email your request and I will share my new location (but do understand I am still very selective as to who knows). Those who have followed me over the years, I know you, so don’t hesitate. It’s been nearly eight years, and as the ones who said it, they were right…I can’t stop writing.
Read more 1 Comment Sep 21
It’s that time of year again, and for my second time, I will be participating in the NAMIWalks for the Mind of America. This is NAMI’s signature walkathon event and is being held in Hemet, CA at Diamond Valley Lake Marina on October 27th, 2006. I will be walking with the same friend as last time and one more I convinced to come along, so our team (Panacea) will be a whopping three members. No matter, I know we’ll have a good time just like last year and I have a feeling there will be a much larger group of walkers this year.
Please support me in this walk, if not financially, then with encouragement and humor. . If you’re interested, visit the (very basic) Panacea Team Site where you can see who else is walking with me. There is also a link so you can donate online. Donating online is fast and secure, and I’ll get immediate notification via e-mail of your donation. Although the page will update how many donations have been received, I will also post updates on here periodically if I receive any.
I’ve never been one to ask for donations, sponsors and such, but I think I finally have a cause which interests me and actually affects me directly. The most important thing for someone with mental illness is medical care as I have found out far too many times over the years. I have my medication, but even still I pay for it out of pocket due to lack of resources. For those that don’t have access to help, I can’t even imagine how difficult it must be. A judge may see me as weak, or lesser than another because of this illness, but it has created a stronger and more determined soul out of me. So I will walk, to prove to myself I can, to show Ashleigh what her mother can do, and to do my part in bringing help to those who need it.
Read more No Comments Sep 05
I’m still around…adjusting, and dealing with a broken heart everyday. Thank goodness for work and for some new friends that have kept me going the last few weeks.
I am working on setting up a new domain to continue writing but it will be done anonymously. Those who requested or received my password earlier will get an email once it’s set up. For others who didn’t, write me and let me know who you are and I’ll consider. Please understand I do this because I no longer feel safe writing here, as I feel even my most deepest feelings could possibly be used against me in the future.
Losing a job because of a blog…that’s nothing. Losing your child? That’s just fucked up. I will walk in the NAMI Walk this October, and I will continue to show how being bipolar is not a curse, it is not something which makes me “unfit”. My bipolar disorder and this site has brought me closer to so many people I never would’ve imagined meeting in person. Panacea HAS been my cure-all and has helped me greatly over its seven and a half years in existence.
Read more 3 Comments Aug 13
The okay part…Ash is with me until the 23rd. The crappy news…I was not awarded primary custody of Ashleigh, her dad was. Yeah. Needless to say I’m not in the greatest mood in my head, but I’m enjoying my time with Ash.
This blog was used against me as well as my bipolar disorder, both which I think have contributed and helped me in becoming a better mother for Ashleigh. Unfortunately, I have no heart left in my writing so will most likely take Panacea offline, as well as all pictures of Ash. I will not delete the domain, but any writing I do will be password protected so as to prevent any further use against me.
I am so very empty right now, I feel like everything I say here is in monotone and that’s because I have very little left in me. Thank you to everyone who supported me during this awful time and hopefully one day I’ll be as vibrant as I once was.
Read more 6 Comments Aug 02
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I have so much on my mind lately but I don’t feel the need to share it with everyone at this time. For those of you who are regulars and wish to read, just comment or email me and I’ll forward the password to future locked posts.
This is my place, has been for seven years and then some, so what made me think I could let it go, even temporarily, I don’t know.
No matter, I’ll be exploding in words relatively soon…
Read more 5 Comments 